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OfflineGreenHorns
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When is it too late to consider having more children?
    #26941639 - 09/18/20 02:38 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

I've was dating a girl for a while who I seemed to connect with in a really cool way but recently we decided to just be friends. She wants to have a child at some point whereas my daughter is already 16 and I have no interest in having any more kids. We're both mid 30s and it just doesn't seem like this is a good age or time to be thinking about having kids. Especially imagining from my daughters perspective being an adult with an infant sibling seems odd to me. Thoughts? First hand advice?


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OfflineBrian Jones
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Re: When is it too late to consider having more children? [Re: GreenHorns]
    #26941696 - 09/18/20 04:53 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

The age difference, and your current age, should be no concern. I would say your current ages are preferable to having a kid, than when younger people do it.

Here's the only place I see concerns. "We decided we just want to be friends". It's possible, but very unlikely you two could have some ideal parenting relationship. Here's the likely outcome. Do you want to support a child you see every other weekend. I also look at this from the kid's point of view. Who wants to be a kid with every other weekend's activities dictated to them.

Here's another scenario. You two decide to get married or some non-legalized equivalent. This most likely leads to divorce or the non-legalized equivalent, and the latter gives you less rights.

I really doubt your 16 year old daughter has a problem with this one way or another. It might be a shocker at first, but she would most likely quickly come around, unless she can't stand the women you're discussing this with.


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"The Rolling Stones will break up over Brian Jones' dead body"    John Lennon

I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.

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OfflineGreenHorns
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Re: When is it too late to consider having more children? [Re: Brian Jones]
    #26941741 - 09/18/20 05:38 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks for the insight. Yeah we stopped the romance and are just friends now because as she put it "I don't think we're on the same page" in regards to children. She's got that nurturing instinct she wants to use which I completely understand. I've felt pretty strongly about not having another child but am now second guessing myself as my rigidness on the topic may be compromising an otherwise fulfilling relationship.

Idk it would be years down the road regardless just can't help thinking about how things may have gone between us if I canged my way of thinking.


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Invisiblelarry.fisherman
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Re: When is it too late to consider having more children? [Re: GreenHorns] * 1
    #26941794 - 09/18/20 06:25 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

You're going to be mid-50's when the kid is out of the house, whereas you got the parenting "out of the way" and now you have the rest of your life to put your time and effort in to something else defining and worthwhile. I have kid's. I had them young for this purpose. Don't squander your free time because someone else wants you to burden a large responsibility to make themselves feel better. I love my kids. I'd never change having them. But one must have a life after the kids.


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OfflineTight Lunchbox
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Re: When is it too late to consider having more children? [Re: larry.fisherman]
    #26949592 - 09/22/20 03:27 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

If you have zero interest in having a child and she wants one of her own then I don't see how it would work out.

I never wanted kids until I was in a long term relationship with a woman who had a child. That little girl is fucking amazing dude. I still have the kid over once every two or three months and we go do super fun shit like amusement parks and play video games and shit like that. They are poor and the father of the kid isn't really involved so I have a really hard time just completely forgetting about her, and when she goes back home I feel super fucking empty for like three days.

Finding a person to have a kid with is pretty difficult for me so I'm literally in the exact opposite situation as you OP.


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Re: When is it too late to consider having more children? [Re: Tight Lunchbox]
    #26950781 - 09/23/20 09:36 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

My brother is 14 years my senior, same mother different fathers. Mother and his father were early 20's when they had him, and mother and my father were early-mid 30's for me. His father was a bipolar mechanic who took his own life when my brother was 21, i was 7. My father is an emotionally unavailable engineer. Needless to say, with our wildly different backgrounds, we are very different people. This is not a bad thing and i don't mean to imply that at all, but because we are too different (both in development and background) we don't talk. We get along fine whenever we're around each other and we certainly CAN hang out, but we just don't. We are in different stages mentally and emotionally, unfortunately i'm further along than he is, which i think is the biggest factor.

Him being my mom's first kid, she obviously treated him differently than me, not to mention how our respective fathers treated us. Plus our parents were in varying stages when we were born. His father wasn't very educated, but he certainly wasn't stupid. They were young and broke, struggled a lot. My father is basically the opposite, incredibly book smart but emotionally blind, financially well-off and stable.

I suppose my point is that it's been clear to me that the nature vs nurture argument is pretty equally balanced. My brother and i have a good relationship, but again, limited contact unintentionally. I hope this helps.

As for your situation specifically, there's a lot to unpack. She only has a few years (maybe less) left until she cannot consider children anymore, so that could be contributing to the push. If you did decide to have a child, you would be way more comfortable because you've already been through it, so it would be easier on you than her. That is one scenario where i would think a child may strengthen the relationship because you can help guide her. But i suppose it comes down to who is more rigid and who is willing to compromise. Also have you asked your daughter about it? How does she feel? Does she like the woman you're with? Her opinion matters as well.

Personally, i will not be having children, mine or otherwise, and i'm trying to not let this color my words.


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OfflineBuckomcdoogle
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Re: When is it too late to consider having more children? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26952053 - 09/23/20 11:55 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

I had a friend growing up, he was 14, his dad was 75!

Dad had a another family in the 60s.


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"Nothing is more dangerous to your creativity than comfort and familiarity"

"Nihilism is the most basic truth in existence,
the only consistency throughout the world, and the universe is
chaos and decay"
"Logic leads to nihilism"



Edited by Buckomcdoogle (09/23/20 11:56 PM)


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
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Re: When is it too late to consider having more children? [Re: GreenHorns]
    #26954139 - 09/25/20 09:29 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

I go back and forth on this, myself.
Growing up, I always thought I'd be early-mid 30's when having kids.
Then I got older and saw it all as it is, and I question the ethics of bringing a child into this world.

I am starkly pro-choice, and also feel like kids don't have the same upbringings as generations long gone, and that people have kids they can't/won't take care of.
Children are being raised by the internet and are becoming hypnotized by screens before their brains are even fully formed.
/rant

So I think being older has perks as your own maturity level has been refined, your morals are hopefully in order and a better parenting experience will be delivered..

On the other hand, I had a friend growing up with a father in his 60s, he couldn't keep up with the kids.

If I can be brutally honest, the fact that you are unsure, potentially feeling pressure from her or yourself- seems like a good reason not to.
That's where I'm at, personally.


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From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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OfflineGreenHorns
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Re: When is it too late to consider having more children? [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #26955291 - 09/25/20 11:54 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks for all the perspective everyone. Yeah it's just not a good idea for me in life right now to be procreating anymore. I've still got a rad friend from the would be relationship and that's awesome enough.


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OfflineJewstress
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Re: When is it too late to consider having more children? [Re: GreenHorns]
    #26955657 - 09/26/20 07:04 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

A womans pregnancy is considered geriatric after 35.


The risks of down syndrome sky rocket around that age and do not get any better with age.



I would research older pregnancy in women and the risks for her and the baby.


My sister-in-law just had her first baby at 37, she had a lot of complications, bedrest, ended up with a c-section because they were considered about her age and delivery.



I love babies.  I have two.


I said after 30 I will NEVER have a kid, simply to protect them from potential genetic issues or risks of carry for both of us.  So I got fixed.



I'm not the type to wanna rush kids young either, I thought I was ready and I wasn't.



But this is where I wish it was taught in society that not having kids is ok, a lot of people do not think about the risks from every angle.  I wish people were taught more than book knowledge, bring in the people that had kids at 14, 18, 22, 24, 26, 30, 34, 40.... to speak to teenagers about babies in various stages of life.


BUT THAT AIN'T HOW IT JIVEs.


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