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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Ramblings about dating as an adult * 1
    #26935381 - 09/14/20 03:13 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

The last time I started a new relationship, I was 22 years old. I guess I was technically an adult at that point, but not by much. I had just finished college and had this awkward year where I was living with my parents while I looked for a job. Eventually, I found a job and moved away to a new town to start my life as an adult. She walked into my life unexpectedly, and we hit it off easily enough. I had plenty of relationship experience before meeting her, so I knew a fair amount about myself and what I was looking for. Nevertheless, we had some obvious incompatibilities when it came to the directions we were heading with our lives. I was just starting my life as an adult, and I wasn't thinking too much about the future, but we both started to as we grew together. In particular, I think she really wanted to start a family with someone, and I don't really feel like doing that any time in the near future (still don't). We broke up. She's a wonderful person, there's no hard feelings about it, but it's for the best.

Long story short, it's five years later now, that relationship has been over for about two years, and I'm starting to get back into the dating game again, and it's just been weird. I can't figure out why, but the grief I feel over the loss of that last relationship still stings like hell. At first, I would always idealize the relationship whenever I looked back: focusing on all the positive things and happy memories we built together while ignoring the difficulties, the disagreements, the incompatibilities, and the pain. At this point, I have a more balanced perspective on it, and that perspective has actually shown me some of the things that I am and am not willing to put up with in a relationship. Once I had reached that perspective (which feels healthy), I felt like I was capable of putting myself back out there again, armed with some new knowledge about what I was looking for in a relationship.

I met someone recently, and we hit it off pretty well. There's mutual attraction, she likes doing a lot of the same stuff I like doing, she has a healthy relationship with psychedelics (pretty important to me). We haven't had sex, but we've made out a few times. Nevertheless, there are some definite issues. I realize that no person is perfect, but there are a few things about her that I'm just not equipped to deal with. After a few dates, she revealed to me that she has a serious, specific mental health problem that, coincidentally, my last girlfriend also had. During my last relationship, I thought that it would be something that I would be able to put up with, but when I look back at the relationship with the perspective I have now, I realize just how draining it was on me to be in that situation. I don't know if I have the strength to go through this again, especially considering that my last girlfriend had been seeking out treatment for her issue for several years prior to our relationship, while this new woman has sought out no treatment for it.

Additionally, she's a very negative person. She doesn't compartmentalize the negative experiences of her day very well. I'm a very patient listener, and I tend to do a lot less talking than my partner does in relationships in general. I think that can be one of my strengths in a lot of situations, but in this particular situation it kind of backfires. I would venture to say that at least 50% of what this woman talks about with me are complaints about her day-to-day experiences. She doesn't have a lot of faith in humanity and doesn't generally seem to be happy to be alive. I wouldn't consider myself an optimist, but I'm not a pessimist, either. I believe even the worst day of your life still has something you can appreciate, and nothing is absolutely hopeless or negative. I don't know if this woman shares that perspective with me. I think that all of the negativity she complains about to me indicates a tendency towards a generally hopeless perspective on life. When people complain to me about things, I tend to be the sort of person who just ends up being a shoulder you can lean on. I'm not one to come back with advice, and I don't like telling people what to do. I like being there for people in that way, but in this situation, I sometimes walk away from spending time with her feeling a bit hopeless myself, which kind of sucks.

I think this woman really likes me, and I think she's interested in pursuing a more long-term relationship with me. That idea gives me some pause, though, mostly because of my last relationship. There were things I noticed at the beginning of my last relationship that gave me pause right at the beginning, and it wasn't until three years later that I ended that relationship and began the healing process. I'm noticing incompatibilities between us, and I don't want to wait another three years for those incompatibilities to reach a boiling point. So, I'm just going to tell her that it's probably best if we don't see each other anymore the next time we get in touch.

On the one hand, it totally feels like the right decision. Putting a stop to a relationship that I don't feel totally jazzed about feels like an act of respect (both for myself and for her). On the other hand, I can't help but feel like I'm maybe being too rash about it. Nobody is perfect, and I'm never going to meet a person that I feel 100% compatible with. Being in a healthy relationship isn't about finding a perfect person, it's about finding a person who's imperfections are things you're capable of appreciating and dealing with in the long term. If I had to summarize what I'm looking for in a relationship into a single sentence, I'd probably say that I just want to be with someone who helps cultivate growth (both within myself and within the other person). This whole experience I've had with her so far has helped me grow a little bit because of the new perspective it's given me, so I can't call the situation a failure even though I'm not going to be seeing her anymore. Still, I can't help but wonder if there could have been more personal growth if I just stick it out. I'm not going to do that, though, so I guess it'll always be a mystery.

Overall, I think this whole experience points to a bigger point about adult relationships in general. I'm getting pretty close to the age where people run the risk of settling for someone. It's easy to start feeling like you're not getting any younger (I know, I know, 27 is still pretty young), and that you have to find someone before you get too old. With that in mind, I think a lot of people my age are willing to settle for things that they wouldn't be willing to put up with if they had all the time in the world to date. I don't want to live that way. I don't want to settle for someone who is just good enough for me to want to be with them. If I'm going to commit to a long term relationship, I want it to be with someone that I feel just jazzed about being with.

That feels like a healthy perspective to have, but it's always followed up with a little bit of fear: is this tendency to avoid settling for someone just going to end up pushing wonderful people away? Am I going to miss out on what life is really all about if I continue politely refusing any relationship that raises a red flag early on? I don't know if these questions have answers at all, but they're definitely things I think about whenever I find myself in moments of self reflection.

Feel free to add on or to chip in with whatever you wanna say. Thanks for reading some of my personal ramblings, and have a wonderful day.


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Offlinepslyke
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Re: Ramblings about dating as an adult [Re: Nonagon Infinity] * 1
    #26935538 - 09/14/20 04:37 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Do you think you have an unusually significant need to feel needed? The part that resonated with me is that your previous partner and your current love interest both suffer from the same mental health diagnosis. Unless it is something very common like anxiety or depression it's hard to chalk your partner selection up to randomness.

People with bipolar or borderline personality disorder often seek out people that fit you self-described character/demeanor. You need to decide whether partners that fall into certain mental health challenges scratch a subconscious itch that you might have. If this is the case it might not be all bad. Certainly people with mental illness are deserving of love from a patient partner that is willing to lend a shoulder to cry on. Just make sure in advance that you are up for the task.


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"What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein

"The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante


:kratom:


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Registered: 06/02/20
Posts: 756
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Re: Ramblings about dating as an adult [Re: pslyke]
    #26936049 - 09/14/20 10:14 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

pslyke said:
Do you think you have an unusually significant need to feel needed? The part that resonated with me is that your previous partner and your current love interest both suffer from the same mental health diagnosis. Unless it is something very common like anxiety or depression it's hard to chalk your partner selection up to randomness.




Nah, I don't feel a need to feel needed (at least, not consciously - might be worth reflecting on, though). I've had other long-term relationships before any of the events I described here that weren't of that nature at all. As far as the mental illness thing goes, I think it really is just a coincidence. Specifically, the mental health problem is bulimia nervosa. It's more common with women than with men, but it's also not terribly common overall, and it's not something you can tell about a person easily. Often times, bulimia presents itself as other, less physically-dangerous mental problems like depression or anxiety, and it thrives on secrecy. In both cases, I found out about it because they reached a point where they felt comfortable enough with me to share that about themselves. Maybe in the future, I could see myself developing the qualities required to be a loving partner for someone with this sort of problem, but for right now, I just feel drained from the last relationship. There's nothing obvious to me about myself that would attract someone with this problem, but it's happened to me twice now, so I guess it's worth reflecting on.

Quote:

pslyke said:
People with bipolar or borderline personality disorder often seek out people that fit you self-described character/demeanor. You need to decide whether partners that fall into certain mental health challenges scratch a subconscious itch that you might have. If this is the case it might not be all bad. Certainly people with mental illness are deserving of love from a patient partner that is willing to lend a shoulder to cry on. Just make sure in advance that you are up for the task.



That's a good way of looking at things. At least from where I'm standing right now, it doesn't feel like I'm scratching any sort of subconscious itch. Being with a partner who has these sorts of issues doesn't feel like something in my life that's missing. Being a mental health support isn't really what I'm looking to get out of a relationship. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't be supportive of someone I loved who was struggling, but being able to support someone isn't what drives me to connect with them.


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OfflineTekLogiX
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Re: Ramblings about dating as an adult [Re: Nonagon Infinity]
    #26937433 - 09/15/20 04:02 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Borderline Personality Disorder?

Don't walk... Run!  away......    I made the mistake of impregnating one  on my 40th Bday...  Don't be me man....  She won't get better or change, only years and years of DBT therapy has some effect on the disorder.  I don't have the energy to go into detail, but BPD folks will make your life hell, either now or later.  Quit while your ahead and do it now.  I hate sounding this way and thought I could somehow work with it, overcome it, trip with it, etc.. all to no avail.

God Bless ... PM if you wanna chat about this.


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Registered: 06/02/20
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Re: Ramblings about dating as an adult [Re: TekLogiX]
    #26937487 - 09/15/20 04:23 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

TekLogiX said:
Borderline Personality Disorder?

Don't walk... Run!  away......    I made the mistake of impregnating one  on my 40th Bday...  Don't be me man....  She won't get better or change, only years and years of DBT therapy has some effect on the disorder.  I don't have the energy to go into detail, but BPD folks will make your life hell, either now or later.  Quit while your ahead and do it now.  I hate sounding this way and thought I could somehow work with it, overcome it, trip with it, etc.. all to no avail.

God Bless ... PM if you wanna chat about this.



I don't know if I was being clear or not. To my knowledge, neither of the women I've discussed in this thread have been diagnosed with BPD. They have, however, both been diagnosed with eating disorders, which I understand are sometimes associated with BPD. However, to my understanding, an eating disorder and BPD are not the same thing. They can play off of each other if both are present, though.

I appreciate what you're saying, but don't worry. I'm not planning on staying with the person I described in the thread. I'm going to break it off with her the next time we get in contact.


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InvisibleSaul Ptamets
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Re: Ramblings about dating as an adult [Re: TekLogiX]
    #26937700 - 09/15/20 06:00 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Agree with Tek on this one


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Invisiblemistamonsta
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Re: Ramblings about dating as an adult [Re: pslyke]
    #26953756 - 09/25/20 01:15 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Yes Nonagon, a lot of what you have shared I can identify with. I'm 39 and half of me regrets not just "settling" but every time I have tried to look past the red flags it has ended in tears, twice in tragedy. I also have a habit of comparing past relationships with my current relationship and agree that it is easier to remember the good times over the bad. It does give false perspective but you are correct in realising that it helps to show you what you want from a partner. The trick is to not overthink or idealise it. Remember the good parts, those aspects you want in a relationship and try to seek it out in another. Don't just wish for the past to return in a new form, that way lies madness.
In truth, I still struggle with this, I idealise a girl who I was with over ten years ago. What we shared was amazing but the problems were so serious, to the point it drove me to depression and her to suicide. Despite this conscious knowledge I still can't help comparing every new partner to her idealised memory.

Quote:

pslyke said:
Do you think you have an unusually significant need to feel needed? The part that resonated with me is that your previous partner and your current love interest both suffer from the same mental health diagnosis. Unless it is something very common like anxiety or depression it's hard to chalk your partner selection up to randomness.

People with bipolar or borderline personality disorder often seek out people that fit you self-described character/demeanor. You need to decide whether partners that fall into certain mental health challenges scratch a subconscious itch that you might have. If this is the case it might not be all bad. Certainly people with mental illness are deserving of love from a patient partner that is willing to lend a shoulder to cry on. Just make sure in advance that you are up for the task.




Yep, can confirm. I've had this happen all my life. Last three relationships have felt exactly like this. I have begun to really doubt myself and think that the only women I can get are the batshit crazy ones... I'm trying to change the cycle but it is almost like they can smell it on me or something :shrug:

Quote:

TekLogiX said:
Borderline Personality Disorder?

Don't walk... Run!  away......    I made the mistake of impregnating one  on my 40th Bday...  Don't be me man....  She won't get better or change, only years and years of DBT therapy has some effect on the disorder.  I don't have the energy to go into detail, but BPD folks will make your life hell, either now or later.  Quit while your ahead and do it now.  I hate sounding this way and thought I could somehow work with it, overcome it, trip with it, etc.. all to no avail.

God Bless ... PM if you wanna chat about this.




These are wise words, harsh but wise :thumbup:

I hope you can make peace with your decision, I know firsthand that it is a tough situation to be in. Remember, if you can't be true to yourself then you can't be true to anyone else.

Good luck with your search dude, peace out :hatsoff:


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Registered: 06/02/20
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Re: Ramblings about dating as an adult [Re: mistamonsta]
    #26955422 - 09/26/20 01:46 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

mistamonsta said:
Yes Nonagon, a lot of what you have shared I can identify with. I'm 39 and half of me regrets not just "settling" but every time I have tried to look past the red flags it has ended in tears, twice in tragedy.




Tragedy is quite another thing, but I've never had a relationship that didn't end in tears. Even the most respectful relationship with the most amicable breakup I've had in my life made me cry. I think it's normal to feel sad when a relationship ends. It's really sad to see someone who was so close to you leave. I think it's just par for the course, really. There's a reason that one of the fundamental principles of Buddhism is that attachment leads to suffering. To that end, I'm not searching for someone to be with forever - I know that forever doesn't exist in relationships. I'm really just looking for someone who helps me grow as a person, who challenges me to become a better version of myself, and who is able to stay present with me while we are together.

Quote:

mistamonsta said:
I also have a habit of comparing past relationships with my current relationship and agree that it is easier to remember the good times over the bad. It does give false perspective but you are correct in realising that it helps to show you what you want from a partner. The trick is to not overthink or idealise it. Remember the good parts, those aspects you want in a relationship and try to seek it out in another. Don't just wish for the past to return in a new form, that way lies madness.




Sound advice there, brother. It's a dirty trick the mind plays: selective memory that prioritizes positive memories over negative ones. No relationship consists of only good parts. Good and bad are two sides of the same coin.

Quote:

mistamonsta said:
In truth, I still struggle with this, I idealise a girl who I was with over ten years ago. What we shared was amazing but the problems were so serious, to the point it drove me to depression and her to suicide. Despite this conscious knowledge I still can't help comparing every new partner to her idealised memory.




Fuck, man, that's pretty bad. I'm sorry to hear that she took such a tragic route out of her life. Death is always tragic in different ways, but it's a different kind of tragedy when the death is the result of a suicide.

Quote:

mistamonsta said:
Yep, can confirm. I've had this happen all my life. Last three relationships have felt exactly like this. I have begun to really doubt myself and think that the only women I can get are the batshit crazy ones... I'm trying to change the cycle but it is almost like they can smell it on me or something :shrug:




I don't think it's a pattern in my life, thankfully. It was primarily just my last relationship that consisted of a dynamic with severe mental health problems, but I've had other relationships before her that didn't have those particular issues. I know there are lots of wonderful women out there who deal with their mental health problems effectively. I meet such women all the time, so I know they exist :smile:

Quote:

mistamonsta said:
Quote:

TekLogiX said:
Borderline Personality Disorder?

Don't walk... Run!  away......    I made the mistake of impregnating one  on my 40th Bday...  Don't be me man....  She won't get better or change, only years and years of DBT therapy has some effect on the disorder.  I don't have the energy to go into detail, but BPD folks will make your life hell, either now or later.  Quit while your ahead and do it now.  I hate sounding this way and thought I could somehow work with it, overcome it, trip with it, etc.. all to no avail.

God Bless ... PM if you wanna chat about this.




These are wise words, harsh but wise :thumbup:




Again, I should be clear that the woman I described in my OP was never diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, to my knowledge. I appreciate that y'all are looking out for me in this respect, but trust me, I have the awareness to realize that this woman is not a good partner for me, and I've already broken things off with her.

Quote:

mistamonsta said:
I hope you can make peace with your decision, I know firsthand that it is a tough situation to be in. Remember, if you can't be true to yourself then you can't be true to anyone else.




Yeah, as I mentioned, I already broke things off with her, and I've definitely made peace with my decision. She didn't take it very well, by the way. I approached the conversation by explaining to her that I've been feeling like I can't support her in the way that I'd like to be able to, and that I thought we should stop seeing each other for a while. She responded by completely shutting down - no communication, extremely defensive body language, no signs of emotion. I asked her how she was feeling about the situation, and she told me that she felt like she now had to keep her guard up around me. She said that she really regretted opening up to me emotionally because it just wound up pushing me away, and she said that this was a pattern with other people in her life as well. It struck me as really emotionally immature, and it basically just solidified my decision. I don't want to be with someone who conceals her emotions from me out of fear that I might leave if I knew how she really felt. That's not healthy. I think the foundation of any healthy relationship consists of trust, and part of trusting your partner means being emotionally vulnerable with them. I told her that I thought she was a wonderful person (and I do, in a lot of ways), but that I needed to focus on myself right now. I haven't heard from her since, so I think it's pretty much over with.


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