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OfflineNewbieS
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How to have "that" discussion.
    #26929330 - 09/11/20 04:06 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

This is a bit embarrassing because I've never been on this side of the coin but I've recently put myself back out on the market.  I've been really taking care of my body over the past few years and I'm finally in a place where I like myself enough to bring someone else into my life.

I've been chatting with this girl I went on a date with back in March and we're really hitting it off.  The problem is I'm not attracted to her.  She definitely knows the best angles of photos to take.  It's not like she's morbidly obese or anything but I feel like it's false advertising, something we actually discussed about others that do the same thing, but more like lying about weight or using a really old photo or something of the sort.

Anyway, she was over last night.  I made us a steak dinner and she brought a bottle of wine that her dad makes. Then we cuddled in bed and watched Groundhog Day, made out a bit, and just really broke the ice.

The problem is, I'm just not attracted to her but I know she's super into me.  I don't feel, "IT", and I'm not going to.  I know myself very well and this isn't something that I can fake or force. 

I don't want to lead her on but at the same time it's really nice to have a warm body next to me and to have that physical contact back in my life.  It's not even sex I'm craving.  Like yeah eventually that would be nice but I need to find the right words before that happens because the LAST thing I wanna do is lead her on.  We've already had hiccups back on our first date; she's super religious and I'm not, and that bothered her; kinda set the whole date sour afterward but we talked it out like adults and agreed to see each other again.  The minute she stepped out of her car it hit me again like, "Oh, that's right.  Not attracted to her :frown: "  But I still wanted to be a good host and show her a good time. 

It's kind of embarrassing for me because I'm 34 and this is the first time I remember being in this particular position.  I was always on the other side of this so I'm not sure how to approach this.  :shrug:  Any advice/anecdotes?


Edited by Newbie (09/11/20 04:13 AM)


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InvisibleHartford
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26929341 - 09/11/20 04:17 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Go to church with her and quote the book of Matthew to counter the teachings of Paul in Sunday school, or talk to the pastor about how you don't believe in the teachings of Paul. You will be vomitted out of her life, trust me.


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Hartford]
    #26929344 - 09/11/20 04:19 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

:lol:  Well she came back despite my staunch atheism, including my tattoo depicting the concept... so...


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Invisiblescrantonstrangler
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie] * 1
    #26929368 - 09/11/20 04:51 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Be honest but nice.

"Hey I had fun with you the other night but I don't think we clicked and I'm just not feeling it right now and I thought it's right to tell you before things progress. I'm new to dating again and hope we can be cool since you are a chill person but I don't feel it romantically working"

Then get back out there bud


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Anonymous #1

Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26929374 - 09/11/20 04:57 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

I would try to be honest, but maybe not too honest. You could tell her you were always gay and was going to try women but you're backing out. Lol. That would absolutely be the easy way out, if not a little immasculating..or you could just tell her you're not feeling chemistry between you two. It would hurt her feelings a bit and she'd be more apt to let her mind wander on the subject but women also tend to be more understanding when you express that you're using your feelings as a form of judgement. Maybe you could even end up friends or FWB if you go this route. I would say using the religion would be a good idea but it could very well be a poor way to dissuade someone. Some people care and others don't.

I do wonder though, if you were a big man and aren't now, what gives you such a license to be so judgemental..? Do you feel like you're better now than people like that? Or is it sort of like wanting distance from your "addictions?" I'm not trying to be rude, I just feel like there's some questions regarding this you could ask yourself. For all I know she's a really nice girl who would be great for you but you're just being weird. She's probably less likely to be into shrooms and shit though if she's the churchy type so :shrug:


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InvisibleHartford
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26929386 - 09/11/20 05:13 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Newbie said:
:lol:  Well she came back despite my staunch atheism, including my tattoo depicting the concept... so...




Being able to discredit Paul with the teachings of Jesus is much more offensive to Christians than simply being an atheist...it's absolutely intolerable. You would be dead to them.


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Invisiblepineninja
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26929399 - 09/11/20 05:35 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Newbie said:
This is a bit embarrassing because I've never been on this side of the coin but I've recently put myself back out on the market.  I've been really taking care of my body over the past few years and I'm finally in a place where I like myself enough to bring someone else into my life.

I've been chatting with this girl I went on a date with back in March and we're really hitting it off.  The problem is I'm not attracted to her.  She definitely knows the best angles of photos to take.  It's not like she's morbidly obese or anything but I feel like it's false advertising, something we actually discussed about others that do the same thing, but more like lying about weight or using a really old photo or something of the sort.

Anyway, she was over last night.  I made us a steak dinner and she brought a bottle of wine that her dad makes. Then we cuddled in bed and watched Groundhog Day, made out a bit, and just really broke the ice.

The problem is, I'm just not attracted to her but I know she's super into me.  I don't feel, "IT", and I'm not going to.  I know myself very well and this isn't something that I can fake or force. 

I don't want to lead her on but at the same time it's really nice to have a warm body next to me and to have that physical contact back in my life.  It's not even sex I'm craving.  Like yeah eventually that would be nice but I need to find the right words before that happens because the LAST thing I wanna do is lead her on.  We've already had hiccups back on our first date; she's super religious and I'm not, and that bothered her; kinda set the whole date sour afterward but we talked it out like adults and agreed to see each other again.  The minute she stepped out of her car it hit me again like, "Oh, that's right.  Not attracted to her :frown: "  But I still wanted to be a good host and show her a good time. 

It's kind of embarrassing for me because I'm 34 and this is the first time I remember being in this particular position.  I was always on the other side of this so I'm not sure how to approach this.  :shrug:  Any advice/anecdotes?




Tell her exactly what you said in this post.

Saying that you don't want to lead her on whilst actively engaging in it doesn't make it less.

Thats my advice.


--------------------
Just a fool on the hill.


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26929409 - 09/11/20 05:58 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

I do wonder though, if you were a big man and aren't now, what gives you such a license to be so judgemental..? Do you feel like you're better now than people like that?




She's a little overweight, but that doesn't bother me.  She's pretty too.  I just don't feel romance like I do when I'm with a girl I'm into.  Does that make sense?  Like I'm just not attracted to her in that way.  I'm not judging her looks bodywise, all I meant by that was she looks like a different person in her photos than in person; like I feel lied to in a way.  Like you'd think she's two different people and it threw me off.


Edited by Newbie (09/11/20 06:12 AM)


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InvisibleHartford
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26929489 - 09/11/20 07:45 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

It's not wrong to not be attracted to someone for very superficial reasons but one should aspire to value a woman based on her character.


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Hartford]
    #26929719 - 09/11/20 10:32 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

For sure.  I value her company, her discussion, her interests.. I like how she treats me and vice versa but I just don't see love happening. I don't see it going past friendship.  I'd like to experience some more dates (sex or not) to give it an honest try and not jump the gun.

It just feels like one of those things like if you know you know.


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OfflineCanadianSausage
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26930210 - 09/11/20 03:17 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

I know that exact feeling. You already know the truth. Don't waste her time or yours.


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OfflineTripsurfer
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26930294 - 09/11/20 04:06 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

I dont see how the foto's are still relevant

Yeah she made herself look prettier on her profile. So you met her and it was a bit of a let down. At that time it wasnt an issue for you
Why is it now? You have been on dates and she stayed over

Move past the profile

The point is you dont like her because of who she is. Its personal, its not you, its her, and you dont like her

Be kind, tell her you are not ready for a relationship


--------------------
Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros...

A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.



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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Tripsurfer] * 7
    #26930427 - 09/11/20 05:27 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

We talked it out and she agrees.  That's a relief.  She's definitely looking for a relationship though but we wished each ther well and parted ways.


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OfflineTripsurfer
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26931700 - 09/12/20 11:57 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

:asianofapproval:

Good for you man


--------------------
Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros...

A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.



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OfflinePLURAL
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26959338 - 09/28/20 07:27 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Found myself in a similar opposite situation recently.

Reconnected with this girl from high school after like nearly 10 years, ended up hanging out and fucking her a few times, and I asked to come over or something one day and she didn't write me back that day. So the next day she texts me and says she doesn't think she's romantically interested in me and just wants to be friends and I was like cool, wasn't looking for the one or anything anyways blah blah blah.

So we talked a little bit and decided to be friends that have sex sometimes and uhm it's been like super tight lol. Been a new experience for me and I think I like it lol.

But we were able to have that discussion and it went super smooth and had a good outcome for everyone.

Everyone seems to always be so afraid to tell other people how they feel for some reason, it's something I've never really understood. For as far back as I can remember I've been super upfront about my feelings and it always works out for the best, without fail.


--------------------
PLUR


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Invisiblemistamonsta
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: PLURAL]
    #26961337 - 09/30/20 01:30 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Honesty, integrity and respect goes a long way; you did the right thing OP  :seriousthumbsup:


--------------------
MistaMonsta's LAGM 2022


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: mistamonsta]
    #26964645 - 10/01/20 07:36 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

I'm really glad I did, too.  I'm dating a gorgeous Colombian girl right now I met on OK cupid.  She goes to my gym and we meet up every morning at 6 and work out together.  I made her dinner a couple weeks ago and we really hit it off.  She's still learning English but she's practically fluent already, and I reply to her in Spanish.  It's a pretty cool dynamic :awesome:

We have another date coming up Sunday, I'm really hoping this one goes somewhere.  She already made it clear she wants to take things slow and I'm totally down for that.  Every time I'm in a rushed relationship it crashes and burns.


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Invisiblemistamonsta
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26964658 - 10/01/20 07:43 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Good to hear buddy :youthemandawg:


--------------------
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OfflineTripsurfer
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26965255 - 10/02/20 04:15 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Is she calling you "pappie" yet?


--------------------
Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros...

A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.



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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Tripsurfer] * 1
    #26966196 - 10/02/20 04:03 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Tripsurfer said:
Is she calling you "pappie" yet?




Haha no this is just our second date, but I can't wait for that.  :lol:  I have a thing for hispanic women.  The last girl I slept with was Puerto Rican but born in the US and doesn't know spanish so it doesn't count. :rolleyes:


Edited by Newbie (10/02/20 05:53 PM)


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OfflineTripsurfer
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26970468 - 10/05/20 11:36 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Latin women are hot :thumbup:


--------------------
Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros...

A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.



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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Tripsurfer]
    #26970968 - 10/05/20 05:27 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Aaannnd friendzoned...  First date was great.  I spent all day putting together dinner and we had a quiet evening watching stand-up and eating an awesome salmon and crab-cake stuffed mushroom dish I made.  Then like a week later she threw me off saying she was still getting over a relationship and wanted to be honest with me...  ok.. 

So I waited a few days and she started texting me again and I asked her to clear things up and she said she didn't mean she wasn't interested anymore, she just wanted to take things slow.  Which again, I'm totally down for.

The yesterday she wasn't feeling well so she canceled our pizza and movie date.  I decided to go to the store and make a big pressure cooker full of chicken soup and offered to run some over to her to cheer her up.  She replied hours later saying thank you and I'm sweet and all that then she was gonna stop over after the gym to get some soup.  She never showed.  She texts me at like 8 saying she felt it was too late to stop by to grab her soup :rolleyes: 

So today I texted her to reschedule the date for Wednesday and she replied with, "I just want you as a friend, I don't want you to waste your time on me."

Okay.

So I'm walking away from this one.  I didn't join ok cupid to make friends and I didn't put all this effort in for nothing. 

Onto the next one!


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OfflineTripsurfer
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Re: How to have "that" discussion. [Re: Newbie]
    #26972246 - 10/06/20 02:02 PM (3 years, 3 months ago)

Too bad man, no pappie for you this time around

Onto the next one! :thumbup:


--------------------
Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros...

A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.



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