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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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The Betrayal and its Aftermath
#26919011 - 09/05/20 10:27 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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I'm thinking back the last hour or so, to a very specific adverse experience I had when I was a young teen.
At school I was in a small remedial group of 7 kids who were all quite busted up by life.

Anyhoo there was this moment where they did the "fall back into our arms" excercise where you learn to trust each other by letting yourself fall backwards and the whole group would catch you.
They had upped the ante by letting you crouch on the edge of a 5 foor high gym box, and you made your drop back while crouched and bam, you'd get caught.
I had always been bullied severely in every class of the schools I had been in so I totally didnt want to do it, so I manouvred myself to be last in line.
Everybody was caught without fail.
Then it was my turn, having always been let down by everyone, I dreaded the situation.
Anyhoo the two teachers got me to assume the position, with the last bit of trust I had left I made the drop and..
At this point all six other students stepped back as one.
The two teachers, no doubt to some expense of their backs, barely caught and ushered me to the ground just slow enough for me not to get hurt.
"WHAT DID YOU GUYS JUST DO?!" one of the teachers said, clearly angry, and the most mouthy one decided to retort aggressively "Well I'm not gonna hurt myself on catching that fat bag!"
I learned the lesson that should not be, and marched to the locker room and began furiously changing clothes.
One of the teachers came after me and did his remedial but I had just been literally let down to drop dead by the whole group, each of them bailed individually it turned out later.
"Come, the group wants to apologize." he said to cheer me up.
Well, not exactly and halfheartedly at most, while one of them was exactly my weight, and he had stepped back too.
The head teacher of the two seeing a worst case scenario unfold insisted that they all should try again.
No, it was not going to happen.
"I was a damn fool for trusting ANY of you!" I vowed and marched right out of there and on my bike home, crying all the while.
Need I say that in the subsequent years my social anxiety and mistrust of groups had increased?
I fixed my anxieties and other life woes with entheogens but whenever I'm in a group there is the subtle background expectation that at a crucial moment they'll all let me down.
I was reminiscing the important role this backfired therapy session from hell had on the rest of my life.
I been swimming earlier today and one of the things I do is stand on an elevation, now being superobese, and just straight as a plank backflop or bellyflop into the water. This produces a loud report and huge splash of water - if you do it completely relaxed it is completely painless but if you resist it it is incredibly painful. I got lots of emulators at the pool of all ages trying to do it with the same grace and courage, and get it to not hurt, which more and more succeed in.
Its made me very popular there, in a good way because holy crap its a death drop that even half the life guards are too chicken to take, but I can't help but notice the twist that I now let the 100% reliable water do the catching so that it comes to guts and technique, and that the first drop drove a wedge between "the people" and myself, and this second drop on the contrary, gathers a community around me in loving support 
The Universe. If you push into it, it starts pushing back at you, if you pull it to you it pulls back in the opposite direction.
Just wanted to share this.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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pslyke
fantasmagoric



Registered: 06/12/10
Posts: 4,100
Loc:
Last seen: 8 minutes, 50 seconds
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Re: The Betrayal and its Aftermath [Re: Asante] 1
#26919102 - 09/05/20 11:29 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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Kids can be real dicks! Glad that time and reflection has allowed you to move forward in a positive way.
-------------------- "What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein "The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante
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Shiithead
Your Huckleberry



Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 9,997
Loc: God's Flat Green Earth
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Re: The Betrayal and its Aftermath [Re: pslyke] 1
#26919107 - 09/05/20 11:36 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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Wow many things can be learned from children. The main one being it sucks to suck.
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Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Psalm 12:6 The words of the Lord are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times. Hebrews 11:3 Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear. Revelation 3:11 Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.
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