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Offlinesaintdextro
Entheogen psychonaut
Male


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 584
Last seen: 7 months, 28 days
Someday with Holy Spirit, Can't defend a Girl Friend. Trent Reznor saved, Friend with liver damage.
    #26914924 - 09/03/20 04:18 AM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Last Night I bawled my eyes out in a Spiritual moment, I don't know if it was Prayer, I Remember at some point I said I'm still not sure how to pray, But it started with me thinking how much I love God And scared of him for me to be such a Sinner, I AM SO DIRTY ON THE INSIDE! I'm not sure how it all went down as the tears kept running down my cheek and my nose got stuffy with stuff and breathed that ruff crying breath with moans, but it was all there, I Experienced a Vision and Me And The Holy Spirit were close to each other not together, I Saw anger in me, but I was not really angry, I kept praying for the Spirit to unite with me but all my bad stuff kept apart, I kept asking will I ever be one with the Spirit and voice's I hear kept telling me I will be, it's ok, Train started it's horn in the distance as normally hear sounded like God of all Nature saying "I Love You!" was now answering my repetitive question "will I ever be united with the spirit!?", the Trains horn was shouting "yes you will!".

I felt so dirty as we touched side by side, I saw two sides, the Spirit and me close and touching side by side in a vision, I was uncomfortable because I was so dirty and that kept me apart but we almost made it together but not even close at the same time. I than had what seemed to be a DXM Flash Back! The DXM Space, the DXM Zone came to me for a few seconds, I was scared of it, but it was that sacred place, the DXM place, which has evolved and changed into a drama where I have a continuous story that I can't remember much of when I Sober up, but the story of me and the bigger Voices continue each time I return, I Know what's going on but don't know how the drama ends, and it's a BIG trip each time I tell you!

I turned my cry's to a thought I've been struggling with, the thought is if I ever get a Girlfriend, I don't know if I could Defend her properly, or really much at all if she was hit or something worse, in the sense that I wanna be a pacifist, the other day walking in the park with an Adderall in my Belly and a Suboxone in my mouth I was thinking I want a Girl that would like me more if I didn't fight or hit the man who hit's her, it's strange, I could try my best to take a beating as someone stole my wallet and just keep saying "You're Forgiving! You're Forgiving! Don't let's this ruin your Meditation! Let it pass and get enlightenment someday!", I'll try try try my best to do this! But I've been so conflicted with this thought of loving a Girl and should I beat the living Shit out of whoever touch's her in an inappropriate way, or the both of us just scream "FORGIVENESS!" as the shit hits the Fan, Honestly I'm standing on the fence of this Feeling, I Couldn't just let her get raped! what do I do? what of it's stranger hit or kid was taken away in my sight, my crying last night didn't solve my problem.

I than focused my crying attention on to Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, I grew up listening to him for years and just couldn't see a truly bad person, he just didn't fit that, that deeply hurt soul, first let me tell you I fell in love with this man years ago, not in sexual way of course, but mentally/spiritual, he stood on the other side of the rail road tracks, as I was raised and stayed Christian my whole life, but I TRULY love this man I've never met, and this isn't the first time I cried my eyes out for my love for him, but last night in a vision I saw him and me with my arms around him crying as we held silently, Ajahn Brahm was guiding are expedience through his Dhamma Talk that playing beside me, Synchronicity which filled up a two way meaning about silence, "just be Silent, Find that Silence." it even got to the point where it sounded Brahm said Trent can really tell me a thing or two about the fallibleness of my faith, but I felt no threat or repulsion in the least, as we both cried hugging each other I said "Don't you wish that there was an all forgiving, perfectly truly loving, Great as you know as I think of him?" it wasn't those exact words but something I can't perfectly remember, he "yeah I would want a God as you Describe and know him.", I than said "than you have him if you want him!" and happily said "your Saved Than!" He than ran crying down street saying "I'm saved, but how how can I be saved!?",,,

Again I'm sorry those may not be the exact words, but very close if not actually accurate. I kind of thought this song "The Great Below" was about if this whole Christian thing turns about to be true, and taking his place in the Great Below, AWESOME idea for a song I was Thinking:


MY tears where also directed to my Close friend who has liver damage from drinking, he's only a year younger than me and he only got's six month's to a year to live, also his Kidneys keep filling up with fluids and need to be drained, it was all black fluid and about 5 liters of fluid drained in the hospital last week, he was pissing black, he's extremely under weight, but his belly was so big compared to the rest of his body, he hardly eats and when he does he throws up because it makes him sick, this has been the norm and no exaggeration but it gets worse, about 5 or so years ago, he was working construction, he fell from a great height and hit his head, after that, every 4 or 5 days he has a seizure, seriously bad stuff to happen to a young man, he has a violent past, but nowadays he's the most peaceful and kind, soft spoken person really unique, I'm kinda tearing up as I write this (see what drug's do to you, all you kids! :grin:), there more things I'd like to say about this wonderful man, maybe I'll say something in the mental health section.

Some drugs have strange reactions on me, weird night.:shocked:


--------------------
"He who finds peace and joy
And radiance within himself
That man becomes one with God
And vanishes into God's bliss."

-Bhagavad Gita, 5.24
One 21 - Building Better Bombs
One 21 - Pacified
One 21 - Two Sides Is Fine
"Respectability is a cloak for the hypocrite" - Jiddu Krishnamurti


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OfflineForresterM
aspiring sociopath
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Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 9,351
Loc: Northeast USA Flag
Last seen: 1 month, 12 days
Re: Someday with Holy Spirit, Can't defend a Girl Friend. Trent Reznor saved, Friend with liver damage. [Re: saintdextro]
    #26915831 - 09/03/20 03:07 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Dude you really gotta lay off the uppers.  Nah I'm joking not trying to pick on you :wink:

Why the worry about a girlfriend being attacked?  Do you roam the subway tunnels at night?

Trent Reznor is the shit.

Sorry to hear about your friend :heart:


--------------------
Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here.
-------------------

Have some medicinal mushrooms and want to get the most out of them?  Try this double extraction method.


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Offlinesaintdextro
Entheogen psychonaut
Male


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 584
Last seen: 7 months, 28 days
Re: Someday with Holy Spirit, Can't defend a Girl Friend. Trent Reznor saved, Friend with liver damage. [Re: Forrester]
    #26915905 - 09/03/20 04:08 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Forrester said:
Why the worry about a girlfriend being attacked?  Do you roam the subway tunnels at night?




Just worst case scenario, and you know I wouldn't wanna girl starting trouble all over town, ya know?


--------------------
"He who finds peace and joy
And radiance within himself
That man becomes one with God
And vanishes into God's bliss."

-Bhagavad Gita, 5.24
One 21 - Building Better Bombs
One 21 - Pacified
One 21 - Two Sides Is Fine
"Respectability is a cloak for the hypocrite" - Jiddu Krishnamurti


Extras: Filter Print Post Top
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