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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,953
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I've lost my shame. 1
#26903475 - 08/28/20 04:41 AM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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I've been a very nervous person since I was 7.
My parents split and I didn't understand what was going on, to top it off both my grandparents passed away within 2 years of each other and they lived overseas so we didn't get to see them often.
When I was in high school I was the kid whose knees were rattling like I had hypothermia, my nerves where shot and my confidence was low. I didn't prepare for my speeches.
I got through high school well and I never got in trouble, I was an innocent student.
It was when I had 2 or 3 months left at school and I knew the most of it was done that I had the opportunity to try some marijuana.
I had talked to my friend and given him some cash a few days beforehand and on that day we were in a film class with him sitting next to me. Halfway through the class he tapped me on the shoulder and showed his open palm to me with a small bag of weed. The teacher was meters behind us. I froze for a moment then took it and shoved it in my pocket.
I felt odd. I was in high school with marijuana in my bag.
On the way home I was terrified someone would smell it.
That night changed my life in a way that it opened me up to new experiences as well as meeting people who were more inclined to join in with the partaking of the devils lettuce.
I worked for 2 years in general stores and kitchens before deciding to go to university.
I was the stoner.
The guy who would rock up to class with glazed eyes and stare into yonder. I'd walk to the forest nearby and G on before walking into class. I once had some Lucy on a sunday night and couldn't sleep. I had a speech the next day, I still attended, crying at the bus stop because I didn't want to be around people, but I went and I sat there with my hands clenched. When asked to do my 1 minute speech I simply told the lecturer I wouldn't do it and I was okay with not getting the marks for it. She asked me to do my speech again, I reaffirmed that I wouldn't, and so I sat. In class on Lucy.
I improved my results in university every single semester and did exceptionally well in my final year. Planning and preemptive work was what pulled me through at a straight level and it was one of the best experiences of my life in hind site because of how well it expanded my awareness and experience of certain technical theories and such. The background behind rock formations and plant growth etc.
But then I slowed down. I was 20. I had gone through a terrible breakup that took until I was 20 to heal. Maybe 2 years of pity.
I cut ties with acquaintances and moved on in my life, I went through some ups and downs and met some amazing people along the way.
Still, inside I had some struggles with my focus in my personal life, completing household tasks and such was delirious, it wouldn't happen.
After visiting a psychiatrist I heard with no surprise I was characteristic of someone with predominant ADD, so attention deficit disorder without the hyperactivity.
I've dealt with some stress, I've probably made the stress worse on myself, but I've accomplished a hell of a lot too and made myself a stable foundation.
And recently I've gone on holiday, to relax a bit. I don't know if it's my care or if I'm trying to focus in a more streamlined way but when things go 'wrong', it usually turns out to be a simple fix.
I think the point of this is that I have cried over spilt milk basically my whole life and quite often the trauma is self induced and that's a hard hitting point for me because it's odd to hear you may be shaking yourself.
This is a bit of my story, maybe we'll see some others but I don't mind if not, sometimes it's just a nice thing to get some words off your chest.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,731
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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Re: I've lost my shame. [Re: sudly]
#26903531 - 08/28/20 06:10 AM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
sudly said:
I think the point of this is that I have cried over spilt milk basically my whole life and quite often the trauma is self induced and that's a hard hitting point for me because it's odd to hear you may be shaking yourself.
This is a bit of my story, maybe we'll see some others but I don't mind if not, sometimes it's just a nice thing to get some words off your chest.

Amen. I can relate to so much of it, even though I only quote this last part. Thanks for sharing, love ya sudsy. It hits me hard reading the latter - mirror neurons on full blast - Bc especially when the things within me or around me which cause distress are the direct result of my own past heedlessness & stupidity . Easily avoided stuff had I chosen more wisely in the first place, and that’s what hurts. But even those things are generally a result of my own ignorance - so I can forgive myself of mistakes. Mistakes are natural for human beings. Gentleness & kindness & understanding really are the better choices, in most cases, for handling this kind stuff.
I’m shaking off the old skin like a snake shedding. The old skin being tainted by ill will & other hinderances that act like inner barbs & thorns that can’t get dug out, so the old skin must be shed of completely. It feels good to feel it and then do nothing to make it worse in the short or long run - and instead live wholesomely so that it gets burned off and doesn’t arise so often or ever again.
It feels very good.
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
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Rahz
Alive Again



Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,248
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I can relate to the break up. I've had a couple, but the first one was tragic and self judgmental and took a couple years to get over. Self esteem issues and resisting reality makes reality seem much worse.
I think there's some sense in the idea that trauma is self induced, but I've also learned that trauma can start with small things and when considering this and the causative quality of experience, there's probably a trail that leads back before us, and the idea that blame and fault are two different things is worth considering.
I've also had a lot of anxiety, peaking up into OCD territory at times. I've occasionally talked with professionals but this forum has been especially helpful to me. Cheaper too.
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi
Edited by Rahz (08/28/20 01:54 PM)
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Forrester
aspiring sociopath


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 9,351
Loc: Northeast USA
Last seen: 1 month, 12 days
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Re: I've lost my shame. [Re: Rahz] 1
#26904751 - 08/28/20 06:23 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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I relate to your story quite a bit. Not time to tell mine right now, but losing my shame was what allowed me to finally be ok with whoever it is that I was, instead of what I thought I should appear to be to others. I've always been sensitive, quiet, awkward, nervous, and extremely self-conscious, but becoming ok with that has brought me more happiness in the last couple years than I had in the 30+ before that
-------------------- Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here. ------------------- Have some medicinal mushrooms and want to get the most out of them? Try this double extraction method.
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,368
Last seen: 14 minutes, 12 seconds
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Re: I've lost my shame. [Re: sudly]
#26905488 - 08/29/20 06:02 AM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
sudly said:
I've lost my shame...
I've been a very nervous person since I was 7.
What shame?
Shame of revealing intimate details to strangers?
Shame of being an outlaw (rule-breaker) by using drugs?
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,368
Last seen: 14 minutes, 12 seconds
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Oh, shame and shyness. I spent a while wondering where the distinction is between the two. Perhaps you felt ashamed of your shyness.
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,953
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Shame of disappointing others or being awkward.
Basically I don't mind if I'm awkward I'll be how I be, and I don't want to disappoint people but I think I've thought I do that too easily when often I probably haven't left a mark.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,368
Last seen: 14 minutes, 12 seconds
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Re: I've lost my shame. [Re: sudly]
#26906187 - 08/29/20 03:04 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Having overcome your awkwardness I'll expect you to carry a tune in your best voice at our next meeting, heh heh.
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Huehuecoyotl
Fading Slowly


Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 10,685
Loc: On the Border
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It's good you lost your shame. That is a self defeating emotion. Be your best or be your worst. Own up to both and fuck social constructs. Be whoever the hell you want...Einstein or Jeffrey Dahmer...not important, but shame is nowhere. Even the the worst can find redemption.
-------------------- "A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,953
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Ironic ey, an ex messaged me on new insta account yesterday after 5 years asking how I was and if I wanted to meet up.
Dat beech got blocked, probably down and looking for an ego boost but it's best to slap it down because I %110 won't talk to her when I have a partner and %100 don't want to see her. I made it clear I never wanted to see her again, and if she thinks I didn't mean it then she has me clearly mistaken.
Murderers go to jail for decades. My soul and heart were murdered, the sentence I gave was indefinite, to protect myself. There is no parole.
The last time I saw her was 5 or 6 years ago at a mutual friends party. I didn't talk to her at all, but near the end of the night I was standing in a group of 4, and after a while the 2 guys peeled off and it was the ex and I next to each other.
She looked at me and said it was nice to see me. I flipped her the bird and walked off. I eventually said my goodbyes to some folk on the couch and skipped her.
That hurt wasn't worth anything, I stayed the first time, I forgave, my trust was fragile, and in the end it was shattered to pieces with a sledge hammer and reduced in a furnace.
It was easy though, nowadays not much thought, I see message request, I read, am like ew, and block.
My 2c on my 2c.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,706
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Re: I've lost my shame. [Re: sudly]
#26907140 - 08/30/20 06:28 AM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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that's ok for now. the trauma is jamming still, you'll get past it, but it could take decades [and you have to want to get past it] - it is entangled with all of youth and childhood where the roots of shame are usually laid.
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,368
Last seen: 14 minutes, 12 seconds
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Scar-tissue on the id, for lack of a better description. I wonder if A.I. can be taught to recognize the signs of manipulation by a cunning mind and instruct thus lessening the blow.
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,706
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no matter, every fix eventually comes undone, we have to nourish the fixer, so that the fix of awareness and insight of mind which heal the scars, gets turned on frequently enough to make a dent. (the practice)
after we are gone, all we may leave of value are those dents, the trail of gentle intervention by the fixer/joker/hanged man.
don't take yourself too seriously is a big lesson to keep relearning.
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,368
Last seen: 14 minutes, 12 seconds
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It may not be fair to compare an amputee with a broken heart but upon this advice I could with clear conscience tell them not to take themselves too seriously.
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Huehuecoyotl
Fading Slowly


Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 10,685
Loc: On the Border
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Re: I've lost my shame. [Re: sudly]
#26908898 - 08/30/20 10:48 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Why have an attitude? Lead her on ...fuck her...tell her you'll meet up later...lead her on more...fuck her again but don't give any investment. Man self importance sucks.
-------------------- "A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,368
Last seen: 14 minutes, 12 seconds
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Depleted conscience in matters of the heart might indicate similar attitudes in other departments...Perhaps something of substance only in repeat offenders.
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,953
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You a or what?
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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pineninja
Dream Weaver



Registered: 08/17/14
Posts: 12,468
Loc: South
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Man walks into a bar on a stinking hot day covered in dust and grease sweat, hes clearly been working hard. He sits down at the bar and the barman says.
B: What'll it be?
Guy: The biggest pint of lemonade you've got!
B: Cmon mate you didn't come to the bar to have lemonade! have a beer!
G: Oh id love to... but after ive had a few I can do some pretty weird stuff and I just end up getting really embarrassed ...its a problem.
B: Well...ive been a barman for 40 years and ive seen a lot of stuff...how bad can it be? How bout I keep an eye on you and you have a beer on me!
G: Well...ok. But itll be the first ive had for awhile and if you promise to keep an eye on me ill have just a few.
B: That's the spirit mate. Heres your icy cold.
G: Oh that was delicious thanks for talking me into it. G:ill have another. G:ill have another.
The bloke immediately upon finishing his third beer seemingly possessed jumps up on the bar stool and starts urinating all over the bar and patrons!
B: You dirty son of a bitch get outta my fucking bar!
G: I told you, I told you. Im so embarrassed.
He is Promptly frog marched out and thrown into the street with his pants still around his ankles.
B: Now don't let me see your sorry arse anywhere near my pub ever again!
Fast forward 6 months.
Same guy walks into the same bar.
B: Hey you! get out of my bar it told you never to come back.
G: Ok Ok I will...just hear me out!
B: 10, 9, 8
G: First of all I need to apologise the embarrassment cut deep this time...I went to counselling ive worked really hard and I think ive solved my problem.
B: Well mate...I appreciate your honesty and nobody in this bar is in a glass house. Id be nowhere had I not been given second chances. come in and sit down.
G:Oh thankyou so much.
B: No worries. Whatll it be?
G: Pint of beer please.
B: You sure?
G: yep like I said I think ive solved the problem.
B: Ok then...here you go mate.
G: Another please. G: Another please.
Boom just like the first time hes up on the stool like an acrobat and pissing all over the bar and patrons.
B: You dirty little prick I trusted you! you said youd solved your problem.
With a big childish grin.
G: Oh I have.....I don't get embarrassed anymore!
-------------------- Just a fool on the hill.
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,368
Last seen: 14 minutes, 12 seconds
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Re: I've lost my shame. [Re: pineninja]
#26908938 - 08/30/20 11:47 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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If a cop could walk thru the valley of death without carrying heat I'd think you'd have a point.
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,030
Loc: USA
Last seen: 7 hours, 24 minutes
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Re: I've lost my shame. [Re: Rahz]
#26909267 - 08/31/20 08:05 AM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rahz said:
I think there's some sense in the idea that trauma is self induced, but I've also learned that trauma can start with small things and when considering this and the causative quality of experience, there's probably a trail that leads back before us, and the idea that blame and fault are two different things is worth considering.
I think we can become attached to our suffering. Defined by it. I know I have in the past, and it takes a lot of work to resist that strong temptation. Recently I watched the PBS movie version of Jane Eyre, a book by Charlotte Brontë, and smiled when I heard this line.
You are not your wounds.
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