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Anonymous #1

What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you
    #26894190 - 08/22/20 07:54 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

My current girlfriend lied to me for our entire shared lives together about her ethnicity-- she told me she was from one country when she was in fact from another-- something seemingly inconsequential. We've had our ups and downs since then so I'm curious to know what you think about similar situations? I've noticed that my mind is much less trusting of her, and seems to trend towards suspicion more than it did before I knew the truth.

Most days go great but I can't help to wonder what else she could be potentially lying about. Thoughts?


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Anonymous #2

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26894240 - 08/22/20 08:13 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

It's a pretty innocuous lie. Would it be too much to ask what country she claimed to be from and where she is from? It's possible that she thought you'd judge her, it could even be reflexive there's a lot of cultures discriminated against in many ways. In that sense it might not be personal at all. I remember when I got with my wife.. I told her I'd been with another woman. I lied. Didn't tell her for a year. She was quite shocked and likely had a similar reaction. Ultimately though, it was for the best. I felt comfortable for the time, she didn't judge me, because ultimately it was a harmless lie. I can tell you're young, or maybe just niave, because everyone has secrets. Some are good, some are bad. Some are completely minute or could break someone. That's a lot to base a suspicion on though, literally the idea of a possibility, when possibilities are endless. It's just a way to eat yourself alive.


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Anonymous #1

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26894413 - 08/22/20 10:11 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Interesting viewpoint. Innocuous lies are where things start, and though I have secrets, I don't lie. To that extent, I hope she doesn't ask some things and those things she hasn't asked... but if she does I will. I'm struggling with the idea that I can't be abnormal in the sense that I'm profusely dedicated to truth.

Her lie happened last year, and I know that people do the things they do for very good personal reason. People are more likely to act immorally than irrationally. She was embarrassed of her heritage, and though I find it to be something that is understandable, it speaks to her character as a person to lie about a reality. What are you really protecting through being deceptive of something that is true? That is up to ourselves to decide, but to me there is no optimum outcome from infidelity to truth.... Had she come true from the get-go, then whatever trauma that she could be trying to suppress would be eliminated. What about bigger or lesser things? Her *past* character is someone who doesn't like to deal with pain... that past character is still habitualized into an option she has to handle future pains.

To me its a huge red flag, but I know we're all human.


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Anonymous #1

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26894416 - 08/22/20 10:12 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #2 said:
It's a pretty innocuous lie. Would it be too much to ask what country she claimed to be from and where she is from? It's possible that she thought you'd judge her, it could even be reflexive there's a lot of cultures discriminated against in many ways. In that sense it might not be personal at all. I remember when I got with my wife.. I told her I'd been with another woman. I lied. Didn't tell her for a year. She was quite shocked and likely had a similar reaction. Ultimately though, it was for the best. I felt comfortable for the time, she didn't judge me, because ultimately it was a harmless lie. I can tell you're young, or maybe just niave, because everyone has secrets. Some are good, some are bad. Some are completely minute or could break someone. That's a lot to base a suspicion on though, literally the idea of a possibility, when possibilities are endless. It's just a way to eat yourself alive.




Definitely not, she said she was Italian and is truly Albanian


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OfflineMach z 800
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Registered: 12/04/15
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26894860 - 08/23/20 07:07 AM (3 years, 5 months ago)

the best thing to do is tell her how you feel about the situation.tell her that you want honesty an that what country she is from will not make you change how you feel about her.

My girlfriend is from el Salvador an she get nervous people won't except  her for who she is because she mainly speaks Spanish an she comes froma different culture.


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Anonymous #2

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26894875 - 08/23/20 07:19 AM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #2 said:
It's a pretty innocuous lie. Would it be too much to ask what country she claimed to be from and where she is from? It's possible that she thought you'd judge her, it could even be reflexive there's a lot of cultures discriminated against in many ways. In that sense it might not be personal at all. I remember when I got with my wife.. I told her I'd been with another woman. I lied. Didn't tell her for a year. She was quite shocked and likely had a similar reaction. Ultimately though, it was for the best. I felt comfortable for the time, she didn't judge me, because ultimately it was a harmless lie. I can tell you're young, or maybe just niave, because everyone has secrets. Some are good, some are bad. Some are completely minute or could break someone. That's a lot to base a suspicion on though, literally the idea of a possibility, when possibilities are endless. It's just a way to eat yourself alive.




Definitely not, she said she was Italian and is truly Albanian



Try looking in to anti-albanian sentiment. It's not hard to find. I literally googled "why do people hate Albanians." There's good history. Maybe ask the SO about it.


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Anonymous #1

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26897298 - 08/24/20 02:48 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

To update, I started this thread because I suspected her involved in another massive and inconsequential lie--

She told me she was getting her BS at university X, when in fact she was getting her AS at community college Y.

Today I discovered that university X doesn't offer a BS in the program she said she was in. I don't trust her at all anymore, and without trust, what is a relationship?

When I discovered her previous lie, I gave her ample room to express and start fresh any other lies she may harbor, and she said she had none. Turns out she had this one, and on her own accord she decided to continue lying-- I'll be kicking her out of my apartment this weekend-- any thoughts?


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26897355 - 08/24/20 03:25 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
To update, I started this thread because I suspected her involved in another massive and inconsequential lie--

She told me she was getting her BS at university X, when in fact she was getting her AS at community college Y.

Today I discovered that university X doesn't offer a BS in the program she said she was in. I don't trust her at all anymore, and without trust, what is a relationship?

When I discovered her previous lie, I gave her ample room to express and start fresh any other lies she may harbor, and she said she had none. Turns out she had this one, and on her own accord she decided to continue lying-- I'll be kicking her out of my apartment this weekend-- any thoughts?



How long have you been together? You live together currently?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but these untruths of hers seem to be about minor things - effect wise - country of origin, and now university attended?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Anonymous #1

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26897366 - 08/24/20 03:29 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah live together (moved in about a month ago), and have been together for about two years. To me they don't seem minor, as they're her truths, and she is being purposefully dishonest about her life.

She doesn't know I know--

The biggest thing here is that I gave her the option to be true to me, and to let me know what was true and what was not at a very specific time in our lives, after uncovering her first dishonestly. I asked her to come clean, she must be honest with me as I am with her, or else this won't work. She said she had nothing she was lying about anymore... Except this.

In times that I look for truth, it doesn't look like I'll be able to get it from her.


Edited by Anonymous (08/24/20 03:33 PM)


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26897372 - 08/24/20 03:34 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

I hear you. I was not suggesting they're minor to you - just that they're very odd things to hide.

I think, were I in your shoes, I'd sit down and have the whole thing out with her. I'd put her on the spot and find out why she's doing this and see how she reacts. But then, I am a very confident communicator, and I know not everyone is.

Still, in all my time here in S&R, it is the one thing that people seem to need most often; to be reminded to communicate better. Cause that's essentially what you have here; a communications breakdown, right?

Why not put an evening aside and see if you can get to the bottom of her motivations regarding these choices she's made?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Anonymous #1

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26897391 - 08/24/20 03:45 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

I would love to. I'm a professional in psych, part of the reason I found this is because I picked up on everything she was saying without saying it... I believe something very unhealthy happened to her, or is going on in her psyche.

Such an unfortunate place to be... What else do you think? My education is 8+ years at this point and I can only imagine that she is insecure, but why she would lie to someone who loves her and has her best interest in mind is beyond me (in the sense that I understand why she would, and it's not healthy, and I don't believe I want to be involved with someone so unhealthy...)


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InvisibleBigPapaMushroom
Stranger
I'm a teapot


Registered: 04/05/20
Posts: 62
Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26897525 - 08/24/20 05:22 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Innocuous lies worry me much more than important lies. If someone is willing to lie about something "unimportant" what would stop them about lying something of import? Obviously, lying is not an issue...

However, in this specific situation, I'd wager that her ethnicity (or rather, perceived ethnicity) is more important to her than it may seem to you. May be worth finding out why. Could clue you into the "level of importance" she is willing to lie about.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26897916 - 08/24/20 10:02 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
What else do you think?



Only why you haven't talked the shit out of this thing already a long time ago. Do you guys communicate much/well/often? Are you both skilled in it?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Anonymous #2

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: BigPapaMushroom]
    #26898117 - 08/25/20 04:41 AM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

BigPapaMushroom said:
Innocuous lies worry me much more than important lies. If someone is willing to lie about something "unimportant" what would stop them about lying something of import? Obviously, lying is not an issue...

However, in this specific situation, I'd wager that her ethnicity (or rather, perceived ethnicity) is more important to her than it may seem to you. May be worth finding out why. Could clue you into the "level of importance" she is willing to lie about.



Certain European cultures look down on Albanians, they see them as degenerates and criminals. I wouldn't be surprised if this extended to how they treat them, possibly quite harshly. There's a good chance that hiding her ethnicity is something she's had ingrained in her since childhood.


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Anonymous #1

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26898246 - 08/25/20 07:05 AM (3 years, 5 months ago)

We do communicate well! This is the kind of thing where I believe I was being idealistic, and when minor issues came up (little white lies and her glossing over certain things) I gave benefit of the doubt. All it takes is 2 years for those minor issues to become major reverberations

I don't see how this would've been foreseeable without me asking to see her transcripts or classwork-- and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that... which might be my own issue; I would like to think that my partner is trustworthy!

doveryai no proveryai


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26898411 - 08/25/20 09:45 AM (3 years, 5 months ago)

I hear ya; I know how one wants to give 'the benefit of the doubt'.

However it is also confusing to me that you are considering ending this long term relationship without first having actually raised your findings and feelings with her?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisibleThe Blind Ass
Bodhi
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,730
Loc: The Primordial Mind
Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #26899281 - 08/25/20 06:29 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

She’s just insecure and needs some real love & space to be acquainted with being authentic with those in her life who are important.
Maybe your not in the inner fold - bc she doesn’t trust you enough yet. The pattern of the fibs told are obvious as to their cause.  I would be gentle yet earnest & careful in how I’d approach her now.  Might help.


--------------------
Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps


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Anonymous #1

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: The Blind Ass]
    #26900820 - 08/26/20 03:19 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Is that my job to correct? This would be the second time this happens, as the old adage goes-- fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me three times, full man doesn't get fooled again


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26900888 - 08/26/20 04:02 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

It's your job to care.

You don't seem to be doing a very good job of it right now.

Rather than care to find out why she has chosen to do these things - what deep rooted issues make her feel this way that this is what she must do - you have taken the selfish tack of 'me me me, look what she's done to me!'.

Personally, I think you're doing a poor job indeed. You're not doing well communicating with us here either. Will you feel attacked that I said this to you also?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Anonymous #3

Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26901440 - 08/26/20 10:58 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

You gotta break up. She’s Albanian.


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