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Anonymous #2
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26901691 - 08/27/20 07:05 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: Is that my job to correct? This would be the second time this happens, as the old adage goes-- fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, full man doesn't get fooled again
It is your job. You're either young or selfish, would neither be surprised to learn you don't get along well in relationships. Because, well, taking care of each others needs even if they don't ask for it is par for the course. You should always care how your partner feels, and why they feel that way. That's just social courtesy with the person you likely spend the most time with. When I saw my wife had this and this she needed to work on, I helped her. And honestly I think she turns in to a better person all the time. It's lovely, and it makes me want to be a better person. That's supposed to be what it's all about..
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,657
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#26901902 - 08/27/20 09:11 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said:
Fool me three times, full man doesn't get fooled again
If you’ve only been fooled 3 times in life then you’re wasting it ,or, are especially discerning and highly risk averse - but since you’re asking an online audience about your significant other - I rule out the later.
If the example was cheating 3x times I would say otherwise - but from what you’ve told us, it’s not, so I will not.
If you love her than let her know it’s okay - mistakes are forgivable, we are just human after all, and to err is natural, so mistakes are natural - especially to avoid punishment (in its myriad forms) - we lie, cheat, steal, and kill - all regularly in one form or another - and are largely ungovernable - but if we know that is all but part of our nature then we can really be much better at understanding ourselves and others, more so than we may think - the sky’s the limit.
We all fall in love with the version of our significant other that is shown in candle light / low light. That way our imagination fills in the rest, am I right? Any story added is extra. Flaws will be recognized after some time together. Then we really meet each-other for the first time, again almost one could say.
It’ll happen just like that in most any relationship. Focusing only on the flaws would be silly though...
Because flaws are really just the features of real life, the real thing. That’s why they too are beautiful.
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
Edited by The Blind Ass (08/27/20 12:36 PM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: The Blind Ass]
#26901931 - 08/27/20 09:25 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
The Blind Ass said: We all fall in love with the version of our significant other that is shown in candle light / low light. That way our imagination fills in the rest, am I right? Any story added is extra. Flaws will be recognized after some time together. Then we really meet each-other for the first time, again almost one could say.
I think this is most often the trouble in relationships - we project our image of the perfect person over what cannot be seen in the low light - and each time the light reveals that what we wanted to be there actually is not, it is a blow to our ego.
'But how did I get fooled!' it says, not knowing that actually, it fooled itself by thinking it knew, rather than waiting for time and light to illuminate the truth of the other person.
Once that's happened enough times it seems most - rather than confronting their ego and their mistakes - will simply get ready to up and leave (as above) and start the process all over again, rather than taking on the hard and painful job of trying to figure things out with themself and the other.
I get it. We like an easy life. But an easy life is rarely the best life.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Anonymous #1
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#26902171 - 08/27/20 11:24 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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I understand your perspective, but there are also plenty of people who are honest about who they are, and she has not been. I've never felt the need to be dishonest with my character once I entered adulthood-- someone who learned that they can be is rare to change their character without some critical outcome shaping that behavior.
Said another way, I hold people accountable. Compassion is built into it-- I'd hope to have a wife that doesn't need to learn this lesson on account of it is built into her very nature.
I can't imagine how someone could sit knowing they are lying to their loved one's face everyday and be able to exist with that fact in their psyche and heart. The act itself is non-compassionate, toward self and others. It is a defense mechanism against something deeply psychological, such as shame, or pride, or fear, or love.
I'm not going to abuse her, as it seems to be insinuated that holding someone accountable for their actions is being classified to be by Jake and others, I'm simply not going to tolerate that kind of character in the context of my home-- the place where I am building a nest to insulate my family from the cold chaos that exists-- the very chaos which is perpetuated by this kind of infidelity to truths.
Do you believe it is a good trait to lie about yourself to yourself and others? Do you believe that the act of lying promotes growth? Happiness? Or is it self-serving as I see it to be?
Edited by Anonymous (08/27/20 11:33 AM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26902241 - 08/27/20 12:11 PM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: Do you believe it is a good trait to lie about yourself to yourself and others? Do you believe that the act of lying promotes growth? Happiness? Or is it self-serving as I see it to be?
There's three people above you who have pointed out a deep error in your ways - far beyond white lies - and the fact that you have ignored addressing any of the (very good, IMO) points brought to your attention above in order to play like a dog with a stick about the white lies (which you still have not addressed the cause of), leaves me unwilling to engage in conversation on the topic with you any further.
The questions of yours that I quoted here are puerile rhetoric, and I think you knew that when you asked them. At least I hope you did. And if you didn't then I hope you are able to reconsider your self-proclaimed title of 'professional in psych'.
If you love and care about this person, you need to address the matter with them in a long, deep, kindly, and non-judgmental conversation with them, and if you don't, then you need to set her free.
I hope you can find it in you to be more mature in the way you handle this challenge that life has presented to you than you have been here.
I hope you can find it in you to act in ways that show you have 'her best interest in mind'.
Rather than just saying that you have.
Actions > Words.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Anonymous #1
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#26902459 - 08/27/20 02:02 PM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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I'm not sure I entirely understand what you're saying is my character error here and what kind of discourse you're looking for-- I'd happily engage in solely your points if you give me some questions that are directed...
I'm not mad or feel resentful here, I want her to grow but I'm not willing to help her if she isn't ready to help herself and instead she chooses to live inside her lie. At this point, her telling me "I'll change" could very well be a deception, more so than just to me, but most importantly to her own self.
Again, I'm going to talk to her compassionately, but I'm not sure I can trust her word on anything because she's shown herself to lie-- therein if she tells me she understands the importance of being honest at all* times, yet she goes ahead and she lies everyday to me, clearly she's lying about two things, not just one; reality and her ability to have insight into her own responses to reality.
Again, for me, the breakdown in trust here is the issue. She could tell me anything and I'd have to accept it as truth, but I can't trust her to be speaking reality.
It's like a blind man asking where a pen is so he could write and you keep telling him its on the counter when its actually on the floor.
* it's OK to lie when in life-or-death situations (aka telling a rapist you have aids)
Edited by Anonymous (08/27/20 02:10 PM)
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Anonymous #1
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26905569 - 08/29/20 07:31 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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We talked for 6 hours, and she told me she attended the university, made up a story and then fabricated a transcript via Photoshop to prove it-- I caught the job and told her the story as I saw it, she broke down and I consoled her. She went to incredible ends for self-preservation, and put herself before us and what we're trying to make. Very unfortunate
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Anonymous #2
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#26905717 - 08/29/20 09:21 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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If only she'd known what a righteous, pure soul you are she may have tried a little harder to live up to your expectations. You really need to make her aware just how much one mistake can define a person, negating absolutely any sort of positives they have in your life and as an individual. If she manages to live this down you haven't done your job. Have you tried shaming her on Facebook/twitter? Apologies OP that you found such an awful, unattractive in and out person. Truly one that deserves a deep resentment towards. Maybe take some gravol and lay down so you don't vomit too much from having had sex with the ogress . Have a hot shower, do something for yourself. Ok? You'll be in my prayers I hope you get the counselling you need after this ordeal.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #2]
#26905848 - 08/29/20 11:11 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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She also told me she was an only child but has siblings
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Anonymous #4
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26927027 - 09/09/20 07:28 PM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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How old is she? Could it possibly be immaturity? The inexperience and need to impress someone she admires a great deal?
I don't think you should write her off completely.
My advice, coming out of a very long relationship that was nothing but a lie without lies.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #4]
#26927159 - 09/09/20 08:55 PM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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It definitely is immaturity to a certain level-- she wanted to impress me due to my stature and her perceived low self-esteem in comparison. What do you mean by your last statement?
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Anonymous #4
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Re: What would you think and do if your significant other lied to you [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26928032 - 09/10/20 10:47 AM (3 years, 4 months ago) |
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I guess what I meant by the last line (which I apologize for being cryptic but I am wearing a gloomy raincloud for a hat) is that lies, like humans, come in many shapes and sizes. Some are spoken while others silently linger in actions, some have malicious and meditated intent while others can be spontaneous and for protection. From my personal experience, I am coming out of a relationship where there were unspoken lies more than any verbal ones, at least it seems. It is all very fresh and I am in one of those states of reflection.
I guess it seems important to me, especially if you like this girl and if the relationship is new, for you to look at everything from different perspectives, through different lenses, before making a big decision. What do her actions say? Does she seem generally good hearted, compassionate, willing to listen, have common interest, enjoys being with you but likes her own time as well? Or does she torture small animals and have a strange disregard for her fellow humans?
Maybe take her on a picnic in the park and just ask her, "why did you tell me this when it is that". Not accusingly or anything, like ask her if you can talk to her about something that is making you uncomfortable, put it out there and see what she says. I mean, that to me seems like a good approach. One thing I have learned is sometimes we just need to communicate before making assumptions. Yes, I think you need to make the setting a relaxing one, be vulnerable with her. Then just approach it straight on, not aggressively or with judgment. Allow her to be vulnerable with comfort. Like sometime we just need to communicate about things that make us uncomfortable, that is healthy.
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