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Anonymous #1

Ghosted a friend
    #26875073 - 08/11/20 12:52 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

So I have been friends with this guy for the last 13 years or so. I started hanging out with him more after high school when I was seeing my other friends less and he happened to live only a 5 minute walk away.

We've been pretty close during that time - usually bonding over drug experiences (pot, alcohol, mdma) and just in general being there for each other. I used to confide in him a lot and gave him space to confide in me as well.

This relationship has never been totally healthy though. Over the years I would get a bad vibe from hanging out with him and I'd often feel exhausted and "off" after spending time with him. I always felt like I needed to protect my energy and it's getting harder to hang out with him for more than a few minutes as I feel like I'm losing my mind when I see him. It's the kind of thing where I'm seriously mentally fucked for like a day afterwards or longer (sometimes I wasn't okay for a long time).

He's perpetually in a daze and he's started some serious trolling behavior online and it's mentally painful to be around him. I don't really want to be friends with him anymore - we have very little in common now. So I started being cold when responding to texts. I'd give two or three word answers at the most. I rejected his invitations to hang out.

Thing is, he continued to message me and now I just started ignoring his messages. It's not a great feeling but he wasn't getting the message.

Should I actually tell him I no longer wish to be friends? I know he respects me a lot, so maybe he has the right to be told to his face? I've told him before that I needed a long break from him and he acknowledged that and accepted it but I suppose this time is different because I'd be cutting him off for good.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Ghosted a friend [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26875113 - 08/11/20 01:22 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

I think you should but remotely or in a public setting for your safety. Maybe telling him will be a wake up call.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Ghosted a friend [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26875118 - 08/11/20 01:26 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

What exactly has he said/done to give you this bad feeling about him?

In any case an open discussion is a more honest approach than just never talking to him again out of the blue.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Ghosted a friend [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #26875137 - 08/11/20 01:39 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

See, for the most part he hasn't really done anything to give me a bad feeling - it's more so that I just get bad vibes when I hang out with him. I feel like I'm talking to someone who is not quite "there" and my intuition tells me to get the hell away from there.

I don't think he is a danger to me - he's a pretty harmless guy - maybe he's never even been in a real fight. He got into a really dumb argument with one of my friends on social media and I lost a lot of respect for him.

I thought maybe I'd call him and tell him how I feel although I don't know how it will go.. it will probably be pretty brutal. I've never  had to break up with a friend before so this is uncharted territory for me. 13 years of friendship... but I guess I have to do it. Otherwise I'm being cruel, right? He deserves to know why I don't want to be friends with him?


Edited by Anonymous (08/11/20 01:40 PM)


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Anonymous #2

Re: Ghosted a friend [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #26875199 - 08/11/20 02:15 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Exactly, imo.

Let him know as clearly as you can why you're doing it. Using "When you do X it makes me feel X" statements will help keep him from getting defense or emotional enough that you can get your point across. Then block all methods of contact especially social media.


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OfflineNonagon Infinity
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Re: Ghosted a friend [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #26876976 - 08/12/20 02:18 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Should I actually tell him I no longer wish to be friends?




Personally, I never like completely closing the door on anyone. I'm not a bridge-burner (not that it sounds like this is your plan). It sounds like you once had a pretty close relationship with this guy and that you don't feel like you have a lot in common with him anymore. People change over time. That's a good enough reason to stop spending time with someone, but it's also a good enough reason to never completely rule it out.

I certainly don't think you have a responsibility to tell him that you no longer wish to be friends. You've clearly already gave some common signs of distance (less communication, less time spent together, ignoring messages, etc.), and he's not really getting the picture. However, if you feel like you want to say something, here's how I would do it in your situation:

"Dude, I just don't feel like spending time with you or talking to you right now. When you do X, it makes me feel Y, which makes me not want to spend time with you. Please give me some space so I can reflect on things, because I can't talk to you or spend time with you right now."

You can substitute X with some specific events that gave you bad vibes (for example, you mentioned he got in some dumb fight over social media, so you can mention that). Substitute Y with your raw emotions, even if that's just saying that it gives you a bad feeling. That way, you're keeping things focused on how his actions have impacted you, and he can do what he will with that information. It also puts up a boundary on him reaching out to you, which will relieve you of the burden of dealing with all his messages and invites, but it doesn't completely close the door on the friendship should he change. I don't think anything in my quoted statement above is deliberately hurtful or bridge-burning, so there's always the possibility that you could reach out to him later in life to see how he's doing should you feel comfortable with that later on.

Good luck. Sucks that you're in such a shitty position. It's always awkward when someone doesn't pick up on social queues.


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OfflineRathilien
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Re: Ghosted a friend [Re: Nonagon Infinity] * 2
    #26877012 - 08/12/20 02:36 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

There's nothing wrong at all with "burning bridges", in fact if done deliberately and in a purposeful way I'd argue it's a very healthy thing. Only when you remove the shit from your life, can something better come in to replace it. It won't and doesn't happen the other way around. With that said that's not a good reason to give up on good people or relationships or fail to put in the proper work required for a fruitful and deep relationship, but there is definitely a time for throwing in the towel and it sounds like you've reached that point.

I think you've already made up your mind that this is the best thing for you, which is the hardest part. How to go about it really depends too much on the dynamic of your friendship. I doubt that anybody can give you one suitable answer as each situation is going to be slightly different.

I've had to throw in the towel on a very long friendship over the past year, and it wasn't easy. I revisited the idea in my head probably a dozen times over the period of several years before actually taking action - I think that's a good thing too. The longer you've been friends, the longer it should take to make a decision and enact it, because it's important to avoid being rash for something that has potentially been fruitful for so long.

I don't know if this has been helpful or not, but you're asking the right questions, and putting the right intent/energy out into the universe, so IMHO you're already on the right track as long as you keep that energy in the right place. You have to look after yourself, and nobody gets to compromise that either deliberately or through their passive energy-drain in your life (feeling exhausted after spending time with somebody is almost always a pretty bad, and clear, sign in my experience!).


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Anonymous #1

Re: Ghosted a friend [Re: Rathilien]
    #26877582 - 08/12/20 09:23 PM (3 years, 5 months ago)

Thank you guys very much for your responses. I definitely didn't want to do anything with a cavalier attitude when I've been friends with this guy so long. I am now pretty confident in what to do. He definitely does not get social queues very easily which is what has made this a lot harder. I also wanted to be careful not to insult the guy.

I've never had a friend break up with me either which is also why I was uncertain what to do. I've had plenty of friends where we drifted apart and I always took it humbly and just accepted it wasn't to be. However, I've also heard people online say that ghosting is terrible and cowardly and one of the worst things you can do to a person.

Thanks again.


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