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Myceliumagic
Stranger



Registered: 10/06/16
Posts: 10
Loc: Leicester
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
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WHY DO I HAVE NO FRIENDS
#26859254 - 08/02/20 04:45 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Hey, After having a weekend of trying to socially integrate with people who are more so friends of my partner, I have come to realise the difficulty I have making friends, participating in a conversation and maintaining relationships. I'm 32, male and very happy in my own company. Until recently I have had no need for close friendships but I now recognise a close friend or a circle of friends is something I should put more effort into. I'm not shy, I don't have difficulty being around people and I am not anywhere on the autistic spectrum. The only reason I can find to explain my situation is that I grew up in a dysfunctional home with parents who were not the best role models and people which I have never had any kind of meaningful relationship with. I have considered that a lack of self-worth could be something to do with it, but I'm fairly sure most people would say that I'm confident and outgoing. My dad (who I haven't spoken to in 6 years) is an alcoholic who would employ crude humour as his primary social tactic. His behaviour could be described as being a class clown. He had a tendency to be unpredictably volatile and I have to consider that this framework of behaviour has been imprinted on me. I am definitely not a volatile person and I am very conscientious but I worry that the that his class clown behaviour has become an underlying characteristic of my social tool kit. I wasn't really socialised as a child and I am now aware that my social disfunction is attributed to a mixture of poor socialisation, not being introduced to group dynamics as a child and the cringeworthy class clown influence from my dad. I was hoping to discuss this with someone who may have had a similar experience or advice from someone who has knowledge in the field of child socialisation and what can be done to help me develop my social skills and make some friends. Thanks guys
MM
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Rapjack
Oat Soakin' Toker


Registered: 05/15/17
Posts: 483
Loc: Elsewhere
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
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Sounds like cognitive behavioral therapy and joining a club like Toastmasters could help a ton. It seems that your needs are unlearning one set of behaviors while learning what you weren't taught as a child.
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TheFakeSunRa
Bitch Splitter



Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 16,449
Loc: Dirdy SOUF
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I have a very caustic sense of humor and a volatile way of conversing even on a general level and my inability to stfu has cost me socially and professionally.
It’s hard work for a zebra to change its stripes but in order to get along with people I have to be careful about what I say and not to be an unwanted overbearing force on the conversation. Trying hard to take real interest in other people and just listening to them is part of it because most people like to talk about themselves. But even that isn’t so simple because trying too hard to make someone else the focus of the conversation can be a kind of aggression as well. Plus, I can fuck it up by asking a question that makes someone uncomfortable. Tbh, it’s really hard for me to read people. So in other words, I’m basically no help at all.
I feel ya though.
Btw, 5 posts in 4 years?
-------------------- [quote]Asante said: You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar. You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason. I disendorse you.[/quote]
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qman
Stranger

Registered: 12/06/06
Posts: 34,927
Last seen: 1 day, 9 hours
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Re: WHY DO I HAVE NO FRIENDS [Re: Rapjack]
#26859333 - 08/02/20 05:29 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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If you're actually making an effort to attract potential new friends, that might be the issue right there. In my experience, friends just come about and there's no real effort that makes it happen.
Just living life makes the potential to have new friends, but actually going out to seek friends is already setting yourself up for disappointment.
Most friends happened by seeing the same people over and over again in whatever environment. It might be work, the gym, church, bars, school or any other social club.
Don't beat yourself up over it, just give it time and it will likely happen. Also remember, as people get older the need for more friends tends to decline. People get busy with work, marriages, children, family and other responsibilities. In other words, they just don't have time for friends.
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Rapjack
Oat Soakin' Toker


Registered: 05/15/17
Posts: 483
Loc: Elsewhere
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
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Re: WHY DO I HAVE NO FRIENDS [Re: qman]
#26859372 - 08/02/20 05:44 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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True that. Learning / relearning skills is huge but trying to force friendships has always lead me into trouble. I'd definitely recommend some kind of social scene outside of Toastmasters as well, somewhere where everyone has mutual interests. Maybe clubs relating to a hobby of yours or a music scene that you like, somewhere where people don't have to be "on" and there's already shared ground for conversation... When those things happen again of course.
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Myceliumagic
Stranger



Registered: 10/06/16
Posts: 10
Loc: Leicester
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
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Re: WHY DO I HAVE NO FRIENDS [Re: Rapjack]
#26860644 - 08/03/20 11:41 AM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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I have thought about CBT. Do you have experience with this sort of treatment? Do you think a high does of Mushrooms with a clear intention would be just as effective as a few rounds of CBT?
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,657
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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No. But learning & integrating the system used in CBT while sober and putting it into practice and then tripping after it’s become second nature is very effective Imho&e.
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
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Myceliumagic
Stranger



Registered: 10/06/16
Posts: 10
Loc: Leicester
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
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Trying to take interest in what people say is very difficult for me. Small talk about someone's baby or a holiday in Barbados does not interest me in the slightest. Does this mean those people who are social butterflies genuinely hold a deep interest for the person that they are talking to? Or have they become masters of pretending that they are interested in subject matter that they couldn't give a rats ass about? too often I lose interest in what people are saying and then become more consumed with the thought that my face looks blatantly uninterested. I really do enjoy being around cool people and I find the idea of having a really decent reliable trustworthy friend to hang out with quite desirable. Have you been able to attribute your social difficulties to your younger years?
Yeah about the 5 post in 4 years thing. I registered after my first mushroom experience. I was determined to find all the information on foraging liberty caps. As much as I love the annual mushroom hunt, I recently decided to grow them and so I came back to learn all that I could. I have just harvested my first flush and I am so pleased with the result. I've discovered something very satisfying in mushroom cultivation and for the first time in my life, I have a hobby that I am genuinely passionate about. So I am back and will hopefully be posting a lot more from now on.
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Myceliumagic
Stranger



Registered: 10/06/16
Posts: 10
Loc: Leicester
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
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Re: WHY DO I HAVE NO FRIENDS [Re: qman]
#26860711 - 08/03/20 12:23 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Totally agree with you on what you say about looking for friends. Friends should be consequential of natural situations and genuine interests. Another component of this is that I need to get out more. I don't allow my self enough opportunity to be around people. What you have said has broadened my perspective. Thanks  What do you think is more true; That friendships form out of familiarity, as you say from being around the same people over and over again. Or is possible that they manifest as a product of two people having a mutual admiration and interest for each other?
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Myceliumagic
Stranger



Registered: 10/06/16
Posts: 10
Loc: Leicester
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
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Re: WHY DO I HAVE NO FRIENDS [Re: Rapjack]
#26860741 - 08/03/20 12:32 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm realising the hobbies and interest thing is a really important part of socialising. In the past, I have been very generic in my behaviours and interests. People might ask me, "oh what music you into bro"? Me: "Oh pretty much everything" Or "What are your interests"? and I say "Don't really have any hobbies, but I like to walk the dog and read" I'm working out only now at 32 that I need to create some substance within and around my profile. Oh god help me, what have I been doing all these years.
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The Dalcassian
Dirty Druggie



Registered: 01/04/17
Posts: 952
Loc: Emerald lsles
Last seen: 9 months, 3 days
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Quote:
Myceliumagic said:I've discovered something very satisfying in mushroom cultivation and for the first time in my life, I have a hobby that I am genuinely passionate about. So I am back and will hopefully be posting a lot more from now on.
This right here is a good start.
I was very similar to yourself, always a satellite on the edge of someone else's circle. Caustic and cynical to say the least, also very much an antagonist and shock jock. I floated for years place to place never having a "turn to" group of mates.
Hobbies did it for me, but something you can be social with or share. This way you get to know others through a common interest, not via shitty small talk. The interest in other people's lives will come after your interest in what they are doing.
I'm not a big forum poster but it's evident enough that people on here have good friendships, and a lot of that will have started by them being interested in what their fellow mycophiles are upto, asking questions and getting to know each other.
I wouldn't worry about your humour or personality as there's a market for everyone. And yes some people are brilliant at feigning interest in what others are saying but that's a lot easier if your interested in the actual person.
-------------------- Here Lies This Individual 
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Myceliumagic
Stranger



Registered: 10/06/16
Posts: 10
Loc: Leicester
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
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So first you learned about CBT and how it works, then you practice it for sometime before going into a trip with the intention of overcoming whatever it might be? Sounds very interesting man. Would be interested in trying this. What kind of issues have you overcome with this practice?
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,657
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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It has been very effective against PTSD, panic disorder & agoraphobia, and addiction.
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
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Blazer420
ŦøжїϿ ÐȐȜȧƜƐȓ


Registered: 06/13/09
Posts: 4,825
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If you have hobbies you are most likely 2 bump into random people having the same interests. So try achieve goals through your hobby with it including some way of being social about it.
-------------------- ~ I used to get high on life, until I realized life was cut with morons ~ * You need 2 wake up and smell the music! * -We are all computer data in a materialistic world- |Sometimes you have to lose yourself, to find anything|
 
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Uprangewilly
Stranger
Registered: 08/20/20
Posts: 20
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: WHY DO I HAVE NO FRIENDS [Re: Blazer420]
#26895152 - 08/23/20 10:37 AM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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I think most people that are friend less, are so by choice. Whether that be consciously or subconsciously. I agree with the other replies about finding a hobby or interest that you can use to join groups or find people that share interests.
Do you smoke weed? Not trying to be funny but I have found stoners love other stoners,lol.
Do you have any dog parks close to you? Never know who your going to meet.
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Yukon Cornelius
Bumble Wrangler



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 1,348
Loc: Peppermint Mines
Last seen: 1 day, 6 hours
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Quote:
Myceliumagic said: I'm realising the hobbies and interest thing is a really important part of socialising. In the past, I have been very generic in my behaviours and interests. People might ask me, "oh what music you into bro"? Me: "Oh pretty much everything" Or "What are your interests"? and I say "Don't really have any hobbies, but I like to walk the dog and read" I'm working out only now at 32 that I need to create some substance within and around my profile. Oh god help me, what have I been doing all these years.
Don't take this the wrong way but I genuinely think you may be on the spectrum based on your thought process regarding social interaction.
Not a bad thing at all, I'm leaning that way myself.
What keyed me into this is the very late realization that you need to have substance as a person to be interesting to other people. The lack of naturally adopting unique behaviors and personality traits over the course of your life that would appeal to atleast some demographic is atypical. Given your family background that is completely understandable, especially with dysfunctional parents.
Could be your proximate social circles just don't click with how you present yourself. This has happened to several friends of mine for the majority of their life until by random circumstance they stumble upon their "tribe" (as much as I dislike the connotation behind that term).
From my experience I have conversations with people on a daily basis where I find the subject matter to be insufferably dull. However, what enjoyment I do gather from it is seeing the way people respond to discussing things their passionate about regardless of what I get out of it.
My advice is similar to what other posters have said, embrace your hobbies and interests. That's the best way to organically make friends, and you have some good foundation to work with.
Book clubs, dog parks, and mycology forays (if your interest extends beyond cultivation) are great ways to meet like-minded people. Even trying new things outside of your comfort zone will push you into circles that you otherwise would've never interacted with.
It's all a numbers game, and you have the rest of your life to play into it. The fact that you've realized the need for this type of engagement is a huge step in the right direction.
-------------------- "I didn't know chicken's wore suspenders" - Towelie
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