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Offlineredhandmat
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Registered: 05/09/19
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A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. * 2
    #26855870 - 07/31/20 05:09 PM (3 days, 11 hours ago)

Hello all,

My last post in this forum was when I and my SO took 1.5g lemon tek. Some of you guys told me that I should take small steps. You were right. Because I didn't and learnt the hard way how much we should respect these compounds (if thats the right word for it).

Guys I had a couple weeks ago brewed lemon tek, what I thought was 90-100g fresh mushrooms, and put it in the freezer. In fact, I used a kitchen scale with 1g resolution but it said that it was sensitive at 4g (no idea what it means). I have since then got a good scale, but I didn't waste what I had.

Anyways, lets get to the point, I drank at least half of that, I think more.

At once I arranged in the living room a cozy spot and arranged several youtube videos. One was "best of mozart", another was shamanic drums and nature music, the last one was some kind of tibetan bells "healing music".

I started by putting on my headphones, played the tibetan one and waited. Nothing happened, but I could feel my body reacting. I removed the music and tried reading a book, it was hard to concentrate. So I decided I would listen again but this time to shamanic drums. There was a lot of energy in me so I started dancing, I was happy that the headphones were cordless so I could move free with closed eyes. My SO who was in the other room wasnt expecting that. She laughed a little.

At one point, I decided to lie down and listen to mozart. So I put on mozart, put the cover over me and booom: I was music. At a certain point there was nothing, complete nothingness, it was the space between two notes. Then the next note played and the one after that. And I was music. I was the vibration of sound in the string of the music instrument and then in the air. And so it continued, for maybe a few minutes but for me it could have been hundreds of years.

I dont remember how but at a certain point I needed to stop. So I pause the music and went up to my SO in the other room. The walls were breathing, there was like veins in the wall. My SO wasnt sure of how I was feeling etc. I told her Im fine, I tried to explain that there was nothing and then there was music. And I was so happy for that. I cried a little of happiness. I was a little afraid of looking at her because she was so beautiful and at the same time a little alien because of how everything moved and sometimes it felt like a moment would replay again and again.

She asked if I wanted to go out, and I was scared. I wanted to go down under the covers again. This time I put on the shamanic drums. I was in space, or I was space. I have no idea. A lot of things happened here. Most of it good at this point. Like I could go up and draw the curtains and be entirely taken away by the sun. The flowers and plants at home moved and had a life of their own. I loved how I could just disappear just by closing my eyes.

I remember thinking to myself that I had to quest deeper, to find why I could become sad in my life.

This thought kept pushing at me. At the same time, my SO was talking on the phone with speakers on. First with her mother I think, and then her friend. And she was becoming restless, she wanted to go out or something.

This my friends I believe is when my setting became turbulent. I have no idea how but things became nightmare-ish. It felt as if everything was the matrix. That I was crazy, that reality wasnt real. I was fighting dudes, I was fighting so hard to keep the fabric of reality intact. It felt like my entire identity, and life history was being ripped away from me. It hurt so much and it was so scary.

It felt like I had finally understood that nothing is real. That I was just part of this being and that what I was feeling and seeing and believing to be my life was just a perspective. That everything was a figment of imagination. God it hurt so much. At the same time, my SO left to go shop some food or something. I have no idea, all I know is that when we talked and she asked me something I kept trying to say the normal words "Im fine" in hopes that everything would be fine. And it felt like things repeated and then there would be time skips, and I would ask didnt we just do/talk about that. I remember that she showed me a live feed of a bird that was hatching. Some modern family here and there.

Anyways, she left. Dudes, it became even worse. I wasn't sure what was what. What was me, had life always been like this? IT started feeling like I was scattered in a million pieces throughout the universe. For some reason I thought that each feeling each movement was the result of living an entire life time. I felt tired, so tired. I just wanted reality, I was so afraid that it was gone for ever. I kept writing on my phone that my SO was real and that I trusted her and loved her.

At a certain moment. It felt like I was me, my father, my mother, my siblings, my SO, my professor, my friend, my cousin, so many people in one. Even fiction characters I had played in video games or read in books. I melted with my bed, I wasn't sure what was me and what was my pillow. I have fragmented memories of watching my hands and legs and not knowing to whom they belonged.

My SO came home. I was so happy she was back home. For some reason I thought her gone. But I was afraid that she would understand that I was gone entirely (my mind was entirely scattered). She fixed food to the both of us. I made a big show of doing the dishes. And I kept looking back at her to see if she was still here. I kept trying to communicate with her. I was hoping she would let me know that everything was fine. I dont think she understood how gone I was.

While doing the dishes I came to the conclusion that it felt good doing them. By cleaning them and putting everything in its place it felt like I was ordering the universe back in its place again. I was happy my SO waited for me (to eat). Once I sat down to eat I took one bite and it felt entirely wrong in my mouth. The more I kept chewing the more I started to feel ill. So I went to the bathroom.

I tried to puke. Then I forced myself to puke. Not much came up but I had a flashback to all the other times in my life I had sat on the floor in front of a toilet seat puking. It felt like I was puking my sickness. Not of right now but of my mind. I thought I was in coma and my family was sitting by me in the hospital and telling me that I could do this. I felt like I was in that Leonardo DiCaprio movie where he understand that life has been in his head and that he made his own misfortune.

I felt like I was one with my little sister who currently is not mentally feeling well. I looked at my body and it felt like it was my fathers body. I got some strength into me suddenly. It felt like my father took over my body and helped me clean the toilet up and get into the shower. I washed myself. And all the while, it felt like the world was starting to solidify. Just a little bit but it gave me hope. I washed my self and while doing so it felt like I washed away everything that made me feel bad. I took courage and saw myself in the mirror, I saw myself and my father in the same face. I combed my hair. Took a good look at my self and started to feel like the world was becoming more and more solid. I dried myself and left the bathroom.

I changed and then talked to my SO and decided that we should go out. I explained that I understood that she didn't want to spend the day at home. I started to understand a lot of things, like how my communication may have been lacking. Anyways, we sat by a bench outside. And the bird was still hatching. I still didn't believe all of this was real. A helicopter lifted nearby. didnt feel real. It felt like it was like when harry potter died and went to the bench in the train station.

It felt like my SO would tell me that ok I have understood everything and that reality was only in my head but that now I was liberated. I kept nudging at her to lift her mood a little. She decided to make us take a walk. Everything was perfect. The sky, the weather, people around. I was looking too much at them, seeking signs that they were not real. My SO showed me so many things I had missed before. Things right there in front of me. She showed me soooo many things. There was art all around me. Then we climbed some big rocks near our home next to university.

From the top we could see everything. I didnt know how much trees there was around us before. Suddenly we could see over the top of the trees and the moon was full. It was so beautiful. I cried. My SO showed me were I used to sit and study. I realized that I always sat in places so I could concentrate on my pc and missed so much of the beauty around me. I talked out about some things that I had failed at and it felt soo good to let everything go. I still wasn't sure if this was real. IF felt like anything I would say would become real. Like if I said I own Amazon then it would be real. But I decided I wanted none of that, I just wanted to continue living my life. And I was happy of the beauty that it is.

I loved the person I had in my life. And I loved my family. If I didn't get the worldly achievements I wanted it would be fine. Everything is beautiful as it is.

So now.... I definitely wont take this much mushrooms again. I dont even know when I will take a small dose again. But Im thankful for what I learned.


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OfflineLosTresOjos
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Registered: 09/18/18
Posts: 927
Loc: Stupid as California
Last seen: 6 hours, 49 minutes
Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: redhandmat]
    #26855940 - 07/31/20 05:56 PM (3 days, 11 hours ago)

I have comments and questions.

I'm glad you took the bravery not stupidity approach.
You were at home with sitter in the right mind set to not wonder about.

Congratulations on your psychedelic trip.

  You seem to think you made a mistake. But from reading you learned a lot.

A good trip has a high chance of making you take an extended break. Mine was 18 months. The mushroom dragged me through the mud.


The message I got is everything is as it should be always.

How d

I recommend you take the lessons and apply them to your daily life.

And don't worry about not wanting to trip. It's normal, sometimes we have to integrate and that takes time.
 
Do you feel it was a negative experience? Or do you feel like it was a difficult lesson? Or what?

  I'm sure you'll be thinking about this for a long time.


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 1,899
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Last seen: 5 hours, 24 minutes
Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: redhandmat]
    #26856552 - 08/01/20 01:15 AM (3 days, 3 hours ago)

Thank you for sharing, redhandmat,

It’s been two or three years since I had one of those trips;you don’t need many in your lifetime; some only need the one! Now although you took a decent dose, you could still fight the mushrooms, and the full on psychedelia comes when you either lose control, give control, or the mushrooms are that strong you cannot fight them.

You will find it much easier to “let go”, when you trip alone. When you’re with your SO, I find myself feeling responsible for their well being, while I’m in the throes of full on ego dissolution! Then on the other hand, as you experienced, it can only take “ a look” from your sitter to negatively impact your set or setting. And there is no way in this universe that they have any idea what impact their words, thoughts, body language are negatively having on you and the direction of your trip.

A good long break will do you the world of good. When you can come to terms with your experience, the magic will really start to flow.

Mush love
DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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Offlineredhandmat
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Registered: 05/09/19
Posts: 378
Last seen: 3 hours, 15 minutes
Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: LosTresOjos]
    #26856570 - 08/01/20 01:51 AM (3 days, 3 hours ago)

First apologies for the long post above. I wrote it when I had come back home from the walk, and it helped me come back to reality even more. So it was more for me than anything else.

Was it a negative experience? Its hard to answer that, because the whole thing was amazing. The beginning was definitely positive. I had become part of everything and the music took me to beautiful places that to me felt very real. If I had stayed in my cozy spot under the covers I have a feeling that would have continued. I also remember meditating and how that led me to surge into space. It was incredible.

When I let my SO read my post and asked her some questions it became clear to me that I hadn't explained to her how much her feelings and actions could affect my setting. In short she didn't want to stay home, and she wanted to at least take mushrooms with me. I didn't agree because I dint know how she would react and how I would react.. I told her it shouldn't last more than 4 hours because of the lemon tek (it lasted 6 hours before we took the walk). Also when she asked me how I was feeling I kept saying I was fine. So she thought I really was and went out.

I think her irritation, boredom etc affected me. Apparently she even had a small fight with her mother on the phone and on speakers. All of this propelled me into the bad territory. During the hour she was gone it was hell. I became so certain that nothing was real. I remember more things now. It was like life was pain. Everything was pain, a movement would be infinitely painful and be stretched out in eternity. I was part of this all powerful being, I was but a cell in its body. And it was so scary. It also felt like I was melted with every person that I ever known, and that made me feel so lonely, that all of reality was not real. Not even I.

Right now Im happy that you exist, and I exist. And my SO exists. And that there is a future and everything. There is much I cant explain. And some things are starting to become clear while others feel like a dream of a dream.

I know that there is a lot to integrate. Some of the things I understand now is that my hell, happiness and comfort comes from within. And now that I lived through something that for me resembles hell: life feels much easier. Also more beautiful because I'm back here again. I still remember my sadness and pain from when I believed everything gone.

So it was difficult and scary, but I hope its effects going forward will not be negative.


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Offlineredhandmat
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Registered: 05/09/19
Posts: 378
Last seen: 3 hours, 15 minutes
Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26856576 - 08/01/20 02:02 AM (3 days, 3 hours ago)

Quote:

DJ Ed said:
Thank you for sharing, redhandmat,

It’s been two or three years since I had one of those trips;you don’t need many in your lifetime; some only need the one! Now although you took a decent dose, you could still fight the mushrooms, and the full on psychedelia comes when you either lose control, give control, or the mushrooms are that strong you cannot fight them.

You will find it much easier to “let go”, when you trip alone. When you’re with your SO, I find myself feeling responsible for their well being, while I’m in the throes of full on ego dissolution! Then on the other hand, as you experienced, it can only take “ a look” from your sitter to negatively impact your set or setting. And there is no way in this universe that they have any idea what impact their words, thoughts, body language are negatively having on you and the direction of your trip.

A good long break will do you the world of good. When you can come to terms with your experience, the magic will really start to flow.

Mush love
DJ Ed




Thank you Ed :smile:

I think I understand what you mean by fighting the mushrooms. It was that time when I was fighting to keep reality together. It truly felt like everything would be gone. I had no idea before I went into this. Sure I had read a lot and everything. But I thought that it somehow would just happen by itself. Maybe someday in the future I will break through that wall.

I started writing my reply to LosTresOjos before you posted, but like I wrote above it was the setting. Exactly like you explained it. A look, a tone from my SO and I just tried to make thing good between us. For her she didn't think too much about it. But for me it was like everything could turn into a nightmare if she wasn't content lol.

Today Im just happy that all of this exist. I remember during my walk thinking that everything is so beautiful and if we wanted then we would all be happy, and no one would hurt someone else again. It just feels like one of the things I learned is that we decide so much about the life we want. The planet we want. Somehow we have done a lot of bad choices. I thought of sick kids, hungry people.

Im just gonna keep on thinking about all of this. Feels like I need to keep it fresh in my mind so that I absorb it all.

Mush love!


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OfflineDJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer
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Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 1,899
Loc: UK Flag
Last seen: 5 hours, 24 minutes
Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: redhandmat]
    #26856599 - 08/01/20 03:11 AM (3 days, 1 hour ago)

Strong mushroom trips really can go either way, independent of set and setting. And many 100sof times I have fought to keep my grip on reality, which is literally tearing to pieces in front of my eyes!

From personal experience, I reckon “the letting go” is crucial to the outcome: if you’ve taken a strong dose you can’t resist, when you break through, it may be heaven, it may be hell. When you consciously let go before the mushrooms force you to let go, that’s when you see the real BEAUTY of mushrooms.

Decades ago, I had many “way too strong” trips. Trips where I could not resist. Even though at times I would be on my hands and knees pleading, begging with the psychedelic gods to let me live. Having said that, I had a really underwhelming trip a few weeks back: I did trip, but for various reasons I had to fight the chemicals and get myself home. And when I arrived at home, the house was full,so there was still no escape. Sitting in the back garden, lone, waiting to come down, I had 2 overriding thoughts:

1. Was really bad, for an hour I thought I would never come down. This was really really scary; much as I love the psychedelic headspace, the prospect of that being my new reality was not nice. This led to my second thought......
2. Coming down to a sane, clean, healthy brain is a privilege; one for which we should not be complacent.

I’ll give you a matter of weeks, before all your memories of this trip are good ones :thumbup:

Take care
DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflinePandemoon
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Posts: 4,664
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Last seen: 7 hours, 47 minutes
Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26856671 - 08/01/20 06:04 AM (2 days, 23 hours ago)

Nice writeup man, I can totally relate to that. I think you managed this quite big dose very well. :thumbup:

-


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OnlineThe Blind Ass
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Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: Pandemoon]
    #26856840 - 08/01/20 08:27 AM (2 days, 20 hours ago)

Thanks for the trip report!  I can relate deeply with it all, like I could’ve written it myself from my own experience :grin:.  I’m glad you got to experience such a psychedelic trip and feel content with it. 

Overall it sounds like a very good trip to me - even though I can tell there were some moments with difficulties and confusing bits to the trip, you didn’t seem to get swept away with the worst of it (as in, I don’t see you calling yourself Jeff Bezos all of a sudden :lol:).  Still, I relate to it all, even then funkier bits.  Things get weird on the fungi!    The speed learning / the quickening , that’s great too.  May it live on!

Be happy & grateful this was part of your life.

Thanks for sharing :cheers:


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Offlineredhandmat
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Registered: 05/09/19
Posts: 378
Last seen: 3 hours, 15 minutes
Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: The Blind Ass]
    #26857382 - 08/01/20 02:49 PM (2 days, 14 hours ago)

Quote:

Pandemoon said:
Nice writeup man, I can totally relate to that. I think you managed this quite big dose very well. :thumbup:

-




Quote:

The Blind Ass said:
Thanks for the trip report!  I can relate deeply with it all, like I could’ve written it myself from my own experience :grin:.  I’m glad you got to experience such a psychedelic trip and feel content with it. 

Overall it sounds like a very good trip to me - even though I can tell there were some moments with difficulties and confusing bits to the trip, you didn’t seem to get swept away with the worst of it (as in, I don’t see you calling yourself Jeff Bezos all of a sudden :lol:).  Still, I relate to it all, even then funkier bits.  Things get weird on the fungi!    The speed learning / the quickening , that’s great too.  May it live on!

Be happy & grateful this was part of your life.

Thanks for sharing :cheers:




:youthemandawg:

Thank you all for being so kind and understanding. Im grateful to be able to share with others that have had this experience. Its such a privilege. And yes, hahaha at least I didnt chose to be Jeff Bezos :laugh:, god that would have been horrible.

Today was a beautiful day, I was with lovely people and did fun things. However, I still come back often to the feeling of not knowing if this is all real. The thought wondering if this is all an illusion.

But when I contemplate this thought I come back to everything I learned about my religion as a child (no point in pointing out which religion because it doesn't matter, it feels like they are all aspects of the same truth (?) anyways). And one of the central premises is that this life is just temporary and just an illusion. However, it is an illusion which should be well lived. And for some reason this thought is comforting.

It should be scary, it was scary yesterday when I literally lived it. But now it feels like this is something I have always been told, something that have always been with me. And then its ok, I just may know it better now. More and more things are falling back into their place. The more I write about it, here and in my journal, and talk about it, the more I feel like Im integrating.

Btw, have you guys noticed that the background chatter in the brain (like thinking random thoughts) is much lower. And now I can keep my concentration better and feel more present. Or am I just imagining that?


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Offlineredhandmat
Dude


Registered: 05/09/19
Posts: 378
Last seen: 3 hours, 15 minutes
Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26857404 - 08/01/20 03:03 PM (2 days, 14 hours ago)

Quote:

DJ Ed said:
Strong mushroom trips really can go either way, independent of set and setting. And many 100sof times I have fought to keep my grip on reality, which is literally tearing to pieces in front of my eyes!

From personal experience, I reckon “the letting go” is crucial to the outcome: if you’ve taken a strong dose you can’t resist, when you break through, it may be heaven, it may be hell. When you consciously let go before the mushrooms force you to let go, that’s when you see the real BEAUTY of mushrooms.

Decades ago, I had many “way too strong” trips. Trips where I could not resist. Even though at times I would be on my hands and knees pleading, begging with the psychedelic gods to let me live. Having said that, I had a really underwhelming trip a few weeks back: I did trip, but for various reasons I had to fight the chemicals and get myself home. And when I arrived at home, the house was full,so there was still no escape. Sitting in the back garden, lone, waiting to come down, I had 2 overriding thoughts:

1. Was really bad, for an hour I thought I would never come down. This was really really scary; much as I love the psychedelic headspace, the prospect of that being my new reality was not nice. This led to my second thought......
2. Coming down to a sane, clean, healthy brain is a privilege; one for which we should not be complacent.

I’ll give you a matter of weeks, before all your memories of this trip are good ones :thumbup:

Take care
DJ Ed





There is a lot to unpack here Dj Ed. Thank you for sharing these insights. I kind of understand and feel this deep in my core that I have a lot to work with now. It's like I was given access to the clay that is my mind, and I need to work with it going forward. To get it back on track and keeping it healthy. Im also relieved that you are sure that when I work on it this trip will make more sense and bring good with it.


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OfflineLosTresOjos
Humano
I'm a teapot
Registered: 09/18/18
Posts: 927
Loc: Stupid as California
Last seen: 6 hours, 49 minutes
Re: A lot of grams, no idea how much. Good trip, bad trip. This is what happened. [Re: redhandmat]
    #26857461 - 08/01/20 03:39 PM (2 days, 13 hours ago)

After my good dose experience I noticed the very next day that my road rage had subsided. It comes back but it's a lot more manageable now.

  It's like McKenna talked about the psychedelic experience allowing you to triangulate your location based on waking consciousness, sleep and the other.

Reaching for metaphors: seems like peeking past a veil that's always there. It's confusing at first but it starts to make some sense why it's there. Or something.


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