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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
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Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,988
Loc: so many roads
Agoraphobia..
    #26844187 - 07/25/20 08:30 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Have tried to figure this on my own, but I'm at a loss.  Have dealt with crippling social anxiety since adulthood, have missed out on lots of good times because of the anticipation of social events.  As a result, I have gravitated even more towards the woods and doing outdoor activity.

A few years ago now I began having tonic clonic seizures for no apparent reason. Every time I go down hard, just black out and collapse, and have suffered damage to frontal as well as temporal lobe. My amygdala has been compromised as well. The state took my drivers license as a result. Now with Covid, being out of work, just a slew of variables have supercharged my anxiety. The outside is no longer friendly.

Having a hard time even going down the driveway for my mail, walking the dog. I -really, truly- want to do these things, but I will literally freeze, shake and sweat, and feel the utmost of terror.
Once I am out (friend drags me out and we go somewhere) I'm fine. It's the leadup and taking the plunge so to speak.


I have had a shitton of therapy, all different kinds. So I know what needs to be done, I am on meds for this already.


Can anyone please share some advice, tips, tricks, stories.
How are you coping with being inside more?

Just want to be able to walk my dog, keeping her pent up is making me hate myself so much..


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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InvisibleTheFakeSunRa
Bitch Splitter
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Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 16,449
Loc: Dirdy SOUF Flag
Re: Agoraphobia.. [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #26844253 - 07/25/20 09:14 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

I’m sorry to hear that.

There’s a lot in there I can relate to

What meds have you tried?

Please ignore the inevitable advice to microdose shrooms as that’s the last thing on earth you need.


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[quote]Asante said:
You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar.

You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason.

I disendorse you.[/quote]


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise
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Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,988
Loc: so many roads
Re: Agoraphobia.. [Re: TheFakeSunRa]
    #26844288 - 07/25/20 09:34 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Thank You, I appreciate that much much.

One of my antiseizure meds has anxiety fighting traits, otherwise I've been on Effexor 15 years.  Before I landed on this one, I tried at least one of each class of relevant drugs- maoi, sri srni, mood stabilizers, etc. Can conservatively say I was put on and taken off of a dozen meds, dealing with side effects of each, of course.
In the age of the pill mills, I was taking an obscene amount of benzos prescribed, had a blast but ended up almost dying on my futon alone for 3 days when I ceased suddenly. I cannot say I would not abuse benzos at this point in time. All the med mingling was during teenage years, and recently I vowed to find a new shrink as I don't think Effexor is doing anything, at all if ever.

Do not currently have a psychiatrist or psychologist, need both and I know. Funds are beyond tight as I await for unemployment rates to lower so my case worker can come back and approve my disability.  Cobra ends in 2 months, so it doesn't make sense to me to start with a doc just to lose coverage after a first session.

For awhile I was so happy to be playing in my backyard, but now that it's too hot and mosquito prone, have been stuck inside more, which exemplifies the issue.
Feel like a prisoner in my own home, I even get ready to do something then its like I hit a wall.


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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InvisibleTheFakeSunRa
Bitch Splitter
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Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 16,449
Loc: Dirdy SOUF Flag
Re: Agoraphobia.. [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #26844561 - 07/25/20 12:26 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

I struggled for ages to get into therapy. In the last year a new community health clinic opened near enough to me. I went there and said I’m addicted to Xanax and I still have crippling anxiety and now I see a therapist for a $20 fee that gets waived now that I’m unemployed. I know that’s almost impossible to find in America and it’s a long shot for you to be so lucky I’m very sorry to say.

I’m still in a lot of trouble mentally. Therapy helps though. It’s just so fucking slow.

I’m horrified of covid too. It just added a layer to this shit that is almost too much to bear.


--------------------
[quote]Asante said:
You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar.

You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason.

I disendorse you.[/quote]


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
Fucked off to the pub
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Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
Re: Agoraphobia.. [Re: birdeatingspider] * 1
    #26844698 - 07/25/20 02:00 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

birdeatingspider said:
I'm fine. It's the leadup and taking the plunge so to speak.






I'm generally the exact same way with 'thing' anxiety. I've been learning to combat it but it's still pretty bad.

I missed out on alot of things in life because I get so worked up about it that I just cancel rather than face it.

Grocery shopping has always been one of those things for me.
Not easier with the pandemic thing...
So I'm struggling to not deprive myself of calories and therefore make myself feel worse and get more anxiety and find it harder to do things.

Honestly the best thing that happened to me in that regard was my therapist telling me to stop thinking. I was like if I don't think then I forget shit because my memory sucks. He's like you're not thinking, you're worrying, and worrying makes you forget shit. (Yeah... anxiety makes the problem that causes the anxiety worse. Weird how that's somehow something we have...)

I don't think I was built to be the type of person that plans everything out to begin with. With BPD I've kinda trained myself to think and overthink things to be prepared for any outcome.

So that I don't flip out when it turns out bad.
Or at least flip out less.

I realized a long time ago the bigger problem with that is that I expect something bad to happen to the point that I'm not even pleasantly surprised when nothing bad happens. I'm just relieved it's over. But not even that much because I know I'm just going to be throwing myself into that anxiety gauntlet about the next thing.

So that was the first part I tackled years ago.


The rest... was alot of other work that kinda conjoined. Like what am I so worried about that I think it deserves worrying over? So what if I forget something?

In this as with all things I've learned how to cope and plan for my tendencies.

So lets say I'm going camping. I forget to pack shit. How do I make do without shit? Well I've been learning how to trust myself. Trust that I can work around things and be alright without them being ideal. Practice. I do it. I practice. I learn how I can overcome these little kinks in my not thought out plans.

And I've learned to let myself take pleasure in the learning. I can call for help and I will get help if I really really need it. If not then I don't really really need it. If not then I can work with it and I can make it okay. Even if it might suck really bad for a little bit I will come through and make it alright.

And I'm so much happier living like that. Like I just exist and go with what life gives me.
There's alot of power in letting go and trusting yourself letting fate be as it will.

It's really dumb with how simple it sounds but it's also true. Don't think, do.

But if you are thinking and worrying the first step is to counter the worry. Counter it with logic and judgement and precaution. And then put it down. Then lose yourself in the doing.



The answer to why I think it should merit so much worry is mostly how mean people can be. I learned alot of abusive tendencies and applied that with self abusive thoughts. Like they deal with my issues for 30 seconds. They deal with my shortcomings for a short period of time. I live with myself.

So fuck off if they get upset that I forget the cooler. They need to stop fucking worrying too.

Do I not deserve to find a way to live with myself despite whatever little inconvenience I give others or myself?

I do.



And you do too so


Quote:


Just want to be able to walk my dog, keeping her pent up is making me hate myself so much..



Tell this voice to fuck off.


It's not real, its bullshit.


No one is happier to just be with you than your dog. And I'm sure you're giving her tons of attention. As long as she's getting that and some basic daily exercise she will be fine.

If you really want you could probably rig up a "fetch" window. So that she can play some outside and you don't need to be in the heat.




I'm sure you might recall I've struggled with alot of health issues. So I completely understand how difficult it is to let this stuff go when you are constantly having that health issue that you have no control over constantly looming over your head.

You have to learn to let that go too.


If it makes you feel safer (and I think so) wear a helmet when you go out.

In this situation you want to give yourself every little bit of comfort and security you possibly can.


They make helmets for epilepsy that do not look like helmets.

https://usa.ribcap.com/collections/protective-soft-helmet-for-summer


It's not that it's worth thinking about but you need to learn to come to peace with the idea of what will be will be. You control what you can. You prepare for what you can.

Everything else is up to God or the universe or whatever greater powers you wish to recognize.

The serenity prayer.


Every little bit you do to make it better matters. Don't think that it doesn't.
And whatever else may come will come. Often regardless of what you do.

It's your life. Live it as you can. You deserve that. You deserve to be at peace and find joy in it.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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