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treeman8
explorer


Registered: 03/07/20
Posts: 26
Loc: canada
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
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My current state and another call for help
#26805142 - 07/05/20 12:09 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Hello again. I'm back to seek advice as always.
- For a while now this has been my only outlet from my own mind. I have mild Aspergers and I feel like my entire being is internalized but at the same time, I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. Somehow I started smoking weed again and I've been hitting a vape like its a necessary reflex. At this point, I can't even decide what I'm going to do every day. Most of the problems really only exist because I don't have an outlet such as some friends to talk to. It's not that I don't have any friends, Its that I cannot tell any of them why I even struggle in the first place. With that said I find it hard to legitimize any sort of struggle in the first place. -
This mismatched paragraph is basically the perfect example of what's in my head at any given moment. It makes sense but seems to jump back and forth between topics. I leave what I write in order to be as legitimate as possible.
Contents:
- Keeping everything internal - Decision making - Losing track of who I am
KEEPING EVERYTHING INTERNAL:
First off, no one knows I have Aspergers but my mother. I will definitely keep it this way and its not really the biggest problem. In fact, it only becomes a problem when I do something or offend someone by accident but cannot explain that I didn't mean it or why I didn't mean it. Perhaps it's just up to me to educate myself and really strive for my best self. I also find that recently it's like I can't leave myself alone, constantly analyzing my every movement because it could be "weird". I quite literally am unable to communicate my thoughts to people.
DECISION MAKING:
I'm not sure what this really is but I'm finding any decision making has become a difficult one. I quite literally lose track of my own self-interests. Slight lack of executive functioning skills.
LOSING TRACK OF WHO I AM:
This is much larger than just being a different person depending on who I'm around because I feel there I'm rather consistent. The problem comes in when I really forget why I'm doing something or even what I'm doing. I know what I enjoy doing but it basically ends there.
I quite literally can't imagine having one thought or one action. Sorry if a lot of this is vague, I'll be active on this post for as long as people reply. Anything helps.
treeman
-------------------- Aedan -- explorer
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: My current state and another call for help [Re: treeman8]
#26805194 - 07/05/20 12:41 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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I don’t think weed is going to help you get out of your head. You may want to go easy on stuff like that and caffeine. If I’m reading this right you’re saying that you’re just kind of stuck in your head and have so many lines of thought that you’re sort of swimming now?
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Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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polaritymind
relaxed attention


Registered: 10/10/16
Posts: 994
Loc: Germany
Last seen: 3 months, 8 days
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Re: My current state and another call for help [Re: treeman8]
#26805198 - 07/05/20 12:42 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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First of all, good youre speaking out.
Quote:
Most of the problems really only exist because I don't have an outlet such as some friends to talk to. It's not that I don't have any friends, Its that I cannot tell any of them why I even struggle in the first place. With that said I find it hard to legitimize any sort of struggle in the first place. -
What do you mean, you find the struggle hard to legitimize. Dou you think they would find it illigitimate or is it hard for you to legitimize it to yourself?
Quote:
In fact, it only becomes a problem when I do something or offend someone by accident but cannot explain that I didn't mean it or why I didn't mean it. Perhaps it's just up to me to educate myself and really strive for my best self.
What do you mean by educating yourself, here. In what, how would this help?
I also agree cannabis, in my experience, is best used not everey day and makde psychological and life problems worse, which is to say is a bad helper in tough times, except maybe for a very very short time or very infrequently.
-------------------- "to affirm life is to also affirm death" -Albert hofmann
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treeman8
explorer


Registered: 03/07/20
Posts: 26
Loc: canada
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
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Re: My current state and another call for help [Re: Amanita86]
#26805275 - 07/05/20 01:14 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Swimming is a good way to put it. Though to expand on that its more like being on a raft, drifting in the ocean, but paddling you're with your hands. You have little to no control on direction except for if the wave pushes you where you want to go. Ironically the two drugs I rely the most on are weed and caffeine.
No really sure if this made any sense. thanks
-------------------- Aedan -- explorer
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: My current state and another call for help [Re: treeman8] 1
#26805307 - 07/05/20 01:36 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Yeah, it makes sense. It’s a bit of a cliche although true but one thing that helps with that is rigorous exercise. It has a way of wine pressing those extra thoughts out of the way and brings light to the more direct pathway. Wearing yourself out relaxes your mind and you burn away all that energy being used to spin your thoughts out.
Weed and caffeine are going to add to the noise and caffeine in particular has a way of amping it up with an added level of anxiety. You’re looking to calm your mind. It you’re the meditating type, actively focusing on neutralizing all those thought lines would be of benefit.
“ What are my thoughts and how do they act”, “is this beneficial”.. once you start seeing through the nonsense it tends to fade away. The game plan is to focus that voice in your head. Testing your thoughts against reality is how you call bullshit on the thoughts that hold no base in reality. You may be spending too much time alone, that can spur it on or if you’re being forced to be around people too much that can spin it out too. Whatever the case focus it down to what’s beneficial and based in verified reality.
Don’t be hard on yourself, like worrying about doing something dumb or embarrassing . Just play the game, if you make a mistake just take note and try not to do it next time but you don’t want to ice yourself by panicking before you even make a move..
For the record I don’t have any firsthand experience with Asperger’s that I’m aware of so that may alter things around but I do have a tendency to have runaway thoughts so that’s what I tend to find helps counters thinking myself into a corner..
Edited by Amanita86 (07/05/20 01:46 PM)
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polaritymind
relaxed attention


Registered: 10/10/16
Posts: 994
Loc: Germany
Last seen: 3 months, 8 days
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Re: My current state and another call for help [Re: Amanita86]
#26808450 - 07/07/20 07:58 AM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Most of the problems really only exist because I don't have an outlet such as some friends to talk to. It's not that I don't have any friends, Its that I cannot tell any of them why I even struggle in the first place. With that said I find it hard to legitimize any sort of struggle in the first place. -
What I want to say about this, is, I hope you know that as far as your relationship to your own thoughts and feelings goes its not useful to call them illegitimate, since they are there nonetheless and that only leads to self hate. Dont confuse this with what the previous poster said, in meditation you can learn to not have to listen to each and every thought, and see which ones arent based in reality, but its not about fighting against yourself, supressing yourself or hating yourself, you gotta be gentle and have understanding for yourself. For example even if a thought isnt true you can understand it and be tolerant that it was there because maybe it stems from a past situation where that kind of thing was true, or maybe its something that comes from a general fear which again comes from being stressed etc, all things that you cant really blame yourself for. Its hard but important to try to find the middle ground here, between self acceptance and self development/striving/taking control.
-------------------- "to affirm life is to also affirm death" -Albert hofmann
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