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Invisiblemicrobiome88
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Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost
    #26798593 - 07/02/20 05:44 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Feedback on my experience is appreciated :smile:
Home alone with no commitments today or the next. I had a coffee and a pastry for breakfast at 7.30am and consumed nothing but water until lift-off. I brewed myself a nice little lemon-tek at 1.30pm that lifted me off the couch about 15 minutes in. It was as if the world was being pulled out from under me - really cool! I watched a nature doco on and was fascinated to no end (Birds of paradise are an act of creative genius!) I couldn’t write a more stereotypical depiction of a dude trippin his ass off.

Then came the epiphanies - I promptly realised that I was plugged into the truth and had “the answer.” It came to me but I couldn’t for the life of me articulate it. I tried to record myself on my laptop as I munched on some chocolate but the best I could muster was:

“So… nothing matters, except that EVERYTHING MATTERS! Like, everything… is just so deeply, thoroughly, roundly, lusciously… Like there is a… beauty. But more than that…”
“Me trying to record this is a good thing… like the most important thing. But also… the most terrible, despicable thing. And that’s because none of it matters. But then like at the same time everything matters… like.. this couldn’t be more crucial. The fact that I can’t find the vocabulary for it is trivial… It’s getting mixed up with the flavour of the chocolate and me trying to describe the fact that I am describing this…”

As you can see, not much of a take-home message here but I did lament the latest federal government move to divert people away from tertiary study in humanities. It felt like philosophers were the most brilliant minds in the world and anything that impacted on the pursuit would be criminal.

From here my memory gets patchy but I remember things getting pretty full-on and so I retired to the bedroom. I was FREEZING cold and consciously put more layers on than I would on an alpine hike before wrapping myself in my doona. The visuals were amazing but I was too fingered to appreciate them at the time. Instead I was vaguely concerned that the ceiling fan (with combined light fixture) was a one-eyed infant in a nappy/diaper with four long blades for legs – so I kept an eye on him. The music I had on didn’t seem to animate me as much as last time. Instead I lay in bed under the big body load and (I think) wavered in and out of disassociation. When my faculties presented themselves, I tried to close my eyes and focus on my breath and let go but much like last time, I couldn’t.

At some point I was gently shuddered by the thought that I was unreachable by phone as I had turned it off. What if something has happened to my partner (or anything else terrible) and Im up in here recreationally warping my consciousness? I negotiated with myself that the likelihood of any upheaval happening was low and that nothing could be helped now. Good logic but alas it was all downhill from here.

I left the bed and went back to the nature doco to try and distract myself. This time my fascination animated me, I gasped and leaped around the room like a chimp, transfixed at the genius of nature. Unfortunately, Attenborough’s penchant for impressing the urgency needed to save ecosystems brought a gloom into the room. I began thinking about how much of what I do is harmful to the planet, directly and indirectly, as a participant in malignant consumerism.My worries brought me to the wider concern of right and wrong. With my cortices becoming a blended paste, I envisaged a physical but infinitesimally fine line between good and bad and was moved by the overwhelming, cosmic, palpable magnitude of the importance of doing good. I was then awash with the cold dread of my past bad actions. This is where I began circling the plug hole, with each revolution building inertia for my panic.   

I tried to accept the experience. I thought I was doing all the right things – I went back to bed, turned off the lights and put on some soothing music. I lay there trying just to observe my consciousness as one does in mindfulness. I lay there knowing that I needed to die, to give up. But I couldn’t. Instead the guilt and shame about my past for the people I have hurt ravaged me. I begged for forgiveness. I grovelled. I professed my love for my partner loudly and sobbed. I leaped out of bed and grabbed a photo album of her and I. I sobbed and hugged it. I was mortified that I had self-indulgently induced my own permanent insanity and burdened my partner and my family with my life-long care. My selfishness was abhorrent and I just wanted to die. I knew that I couldn’t kill myself though because it would hurt people just as much and my helplessness tormented me violently.

I paced around the house looking at my motionless watch. I looked up videos on how to resolve a bad trip back in bed and tried to give in again. I imagined my heart rate and breathing slowing and felt myself begin to disappear into the ether. But my metaphysical finger-nails clung on to my “self” and I was flung back onto the merry-go-round of panic. I was not strong enough to let go, or so it felt, I was pathetic. This went on for 1.5 hours I think. I embraced my cowardice and rang a friend who came directly to my aid. He was brilliant. He himself had had a bad trip recently and his presence soothed me immediately. We talked for 3 hours and while waves of panic came, they went away by about 8pm.

Afterthoughts:
#1 If you make promises you can’t keep, beware, as it is another way of insidiously creating distance between who you present to others and who you want to be.

#2 Which is preferable? To observe the lessons of others on moral behaviour and to live a life accordingly at great altitude from evil? What about to have acted immorally and had ones intuition on morality be forged from scratch by the writhing of ones guilt and shame post-hoc? I have tended to believe the latter because it makes me feel better, if only temporarily.

#3 Is it fair to have to live with said guilt and shame? Is it right or just to repent and seek forgiveness? It is compelling but it that not selfish? Requiring another to watch you bear your burdens, in doing so, dredging up past woes and pain for them so that you can feel better seems more self-ingratiating than a meaningful act of contrition. Perhaps the only option is to have the humility to allow the bad memories and feelings wash up on the shore of your mind, humbly acknowledge them and carry them alone.


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Invisiblepineninja
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: microbiome88]
    #26798612 - 07/02/20 06:05 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Thanks for sharing.
You owe your mate a beer for sure.

I can't give you the answers but can tell you I've had similar questions.

The more you process and reconcile this experience the kinder you'll be on yourself when next trying to let go.:freewilly:


--------------------
Just a fool on the hill.


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Invisiblemicrobiome88
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: pineninja]
    #26799739 - 07/02/20 04:03 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Thanks for reading. Reading these things isn't always that fun or gratifying but I don't have many people in the real world who can properly relate.

I read a post just before where an experienced psychonaut explained that you can LEARN TO TRIP more productive with more experiences at lower doses. Can anyone else atest to that?


Edited by microbiome88 (07/02/20 06:05 PM)


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Invisiblepineninja
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: microbiome88]
    #26800193 - 07/02/20 07:49 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Meditation through practice becomes easier and easier to slip into.
Your space is prepared easier you understand the process and you want to he there for the benefits.

Tripping is no different.
You are able to access the experience on lower doses because of practice.

Everybody is different and you'll need to be your own canary.

You came out the other side....simply knowing this now will help you re enter with less fear.


--------------------
Just a fool on the hill.


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OnlineNorthernerM
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: pineninja]
    #26800245 - 07/02/20 08:14 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

That's a pretty hefty dose mate, it would have left me laying on the floor wondering whether I actually exist or not. All in all I think you handled it pretty well.

The practise of mindlessness and release is something that takes practice. To just lay there and be.

You're no doubt stronger for the experience. Over the next couple of weeks let the things you saw and felt sink in, watch them but don't engage than. See how your perspective shifts.


--------------------
The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.


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Invisiblemicrobiome88
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: Northerner]
    #26800279 - 07/02/20 08:36 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

pineninja said:
Meditation through practice becomes easier and easier to slip into.
Your space is prepared easier you understand the process and you want to he there for the benefits.

Tripping is no different.
You are able to access the experience on lower doses because of practice.

Everybody is different and you'll need to be your own canary.

You came out the other side....simply knowing this now will help you re enter with less fear.




It has certainly reinvigorated my interest in meditation. 

The further I get away from the trip the more ready I feel I am to jack back in. I understand that time is important however.

Quote:

Northerner said:
That's a pretty hefty dose mate, it would have left me laying on the floor wondering whether I actually exist or not. All in all I think you handled it pretty well.

The practise of mindlessness and release is something that takes practice. To just lay there and be.

You're no doubt stronger for the experience. Over the next couple of weeks let the things you saw and felt sink in, watch them but don't engage than. See how your perspective shifts.




I actually just laughed out loud, a proper giggle that gurgled up from deep in my abdomen - the first time I have laughed like that since the trip. Thank you :smirk:

I dried the subs in the oven and figured based on my first trip that I had wiped 20% or so of their potency. So when I weighed out 5g I went "FUCK IT" and scooped out another gram :laugh:

Thank you for your advice. I am enjoying the integration already.


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OfflineRathilien
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: microbiome88]
    #26801013 - 07/03/20 08:17 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

As somebody who has only ever tried a very low dose from a friend (and keen to try a proper one soon), this was fascinating to read, thanks for sharing!


--------------------
**Aussies PM Me if You're Having Trouble Finding Spores!**


Follow my progress at my journal
Edible Weeds :shocked:

I wouldn’t say I’m a tree-hugging hippy, but I do like to give those thick-ass trees a solid slap on their trunks as I walk by.


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Invisiblemicrobiome88
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: Rathilien]
    #26801792 - 07/03/20 04:34 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Rathilien said:
As somebody who has only ever tried a very low dose from a friend (and keen to try a proper one soon), this was fascinating to read, thanks for sharing!




Youre welcome. I hope to read more Aussie trip reports (I look forward to reading yours :smile:). Everyone's perspective is valuable but every morsel of relatability counts when trying to process something so enormous.

My plan to get back on the horse so far:
- Go back to 2-3g

- Mix up my sporadic mindfulness practice with some loving-kindness (Metta, I believe) practice.... and be less sporadic.

- Be judicious about making promises and follow through when I engage in one.

- Make sure I have my partner around as a sitter but make her feel more comfortable around me when Im tripping so that I am not so self-conscious around her.

- Set a genuine intention. Actively.

- Come to a resolution about the immoral behaviour that I elude to in the post (not sure about that yet)


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: microbiome88]
    #26802691 - 07/04/20 02:11 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

There are so many aspects to your trip report that I can relate to, OP. But first of all, thank you for sharing. I think I would have sunk by now if it wasn’t for the support and knowledge on the shroomery. There is a lot of comfort to be had in Just knowing you’re not alone, and that what you experienced was not unusual.

Your ego was dissolving quite well, but you managed to get your clawed fingers to drag you back to reality: this is the point of no turning back dude. I would say you have two options:

1. Jump straight back in with a higher dose; this will compensate for the tolerance build up to get you to a similar level as last time, but you will be much more prepared to let go, and with less fear.

2. My personal way forward would be to wait a few weeks, and just let life and time integrate yourself trip until you feel more at peace with it. Then jump back in at the same dose, but this time, do not extend your claws. You know you will come out the other side, so let your ego fully dissolve, and really experience the power of mushrooms.

You will get the epiphanies and extreme euphoria.

❤️
DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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Invisiblemicrobiome88
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26804549 - 07/05/20 02:22 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

This hivemind has been such a great resource and support font as my exploration of this domain is a solo effort.

I will definitely take a break. Everyday that goes by I am noticing perspective shifts and insights a-plenty.

Thank you for your kindness.


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: microbiome88] * 1
    #26804556 - 07/05/20 02:31 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

That’s what we’re all here for, chap; to help each other, to share our anecdotal experiences, and build up a database of believable information you can trust.

It’s a real shame our governments have to protect us from ourselves and don’t provide this information to us safely. So the shroomery is perfect :cookiemonster:

❤️
DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineRathilien
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26806092 - 07/06/20 01:18 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

DJ Ed said:
That’s what we’re all here for, chap; to help each other, to share our anecdotal experiences, and build up a database of believable information you can trust.

It’s a real shame our governments have to protect us from ourselves and don’t provide this information to us safely. So the shroomery is perfect :cookiemonster:

❤️
DJ Ed




I for one am glad the government is there to tell me what I can and cannot do with my own body. I require constant supervision and am not to be trusted. What sort of world would we be living in where adults had bodily autonomy and were given permission to make choices that only affected them personally?

Sounds like such a dystopia :rolleyes:

/sarcasm


--------------------
**Aussies PM Me if You're Having Trouble Finding Spores!**


Follow my progress at my journal
Edible Weeds :shocked:

I wouldn’t say I’m a tree-hugging hippy, but I do like to give those thick-ass trees a solid slap on their trunks as I walk by.


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OfflineFolding
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: microbiome88]
    #26905388 - 08/29/20 02:23 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Hey, I'm the dude from the A Humbling Journey to Hell - 8g Golden Teacher Lemon Tek - Bad Trip report you commented on. This is such a well-written and vivid trip report. I can definitely relate to much of it. Here were some thoughts as I read through it:

“So… nothing matters, except that EVERYTHING MATTERS! Like, everything… is just so deeply, thoroughly, roundly, lusciously… Like there is a… beauty. But more than that…”

I had a similar experience during a pleasant trip. I felt compelled to record it in words and this is what I found in the Notes app the next day:


-Everything is exactly as it should be.

-Everything is functioning in perfect harmony. I can feel the love in everything. Everything is perfect right NOW. NOW. NOW. (each now was me recognizing the current moment)

-There is nothing better to be listening to than Pink Floyd right now. The chorus of Pink Floyd - Brain Damage just kicked in as I’m writing this.

-Pink Floyd lyrics have never made so much sense to me.

-Everything is flowing. Moving fluidly. Visually and in their being. I wish I could record what I’m seeing and feeling.


I had felt like when I one day meet death, it wouldn't matter, because it's in the context of a perfectly harmonious reality.


"I was then awash with the cold dread of my past bad actions. This is where I began circling the plug hole, with each revolution building inertia for my panic."
Great writing here.

"I looked up videos on how to resolve a bad trip"
Oh boy - I left this part out of my trip report but I had also googled how to resolve a bad trip. That feeling when you realize you may not ever escape it 😂

"He himself had had a bad trip recently and his presence soothed me immediately. We talked for 3 hours and while waves of panic came, they went away by about 8pm."
Isn't it incredible how that soothing presence makes such a huge difference?

On your afterthoughts:

"#1 If you make promises you can’t keep, beware, as it is another way of insidiously creating distance between who you present to others and who you want to be."
Great insight. Definitely going to keep this one in mind in my day-to-day life.

"#2 Which is preferable? To observe the lessons of others on moral behaviour and to live a life accordingly at great altitude from evil? What about to have acted immorally and had ones intuition on morality be forged from scratch by the writhing of ones guilt and shame post-hoc? I have tended to believe the latter because it makes me feel better, if only temporarily."
Thank you - This just sent me into a philosophical abyss 😂 Next question.

"#3 Is it fair to have to live with said guilt and shame? Is it right or just to repent and seek forgiveness? It is compelling but it that not selfish? Requiring another to watch you bear your burdens, in doing so, dredging up past woes and pain for them so that you can feel better seems more self-ingratiating than a meaningful act of contrition. Perhaps the only option is to have the humility to allow the bad memories and feelings wash up on the shore of your mind, humbly acknowledge them and carry them alone."
Hard to say. I'm speculating, but I think it could be equally beneficial for each party to recognize and make peace with the others' past woes and beared burdens depending on the nuance of the situation.


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InvisibleShr00mEater
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: Folding]
    #26905512 - 08/29/20 06:38 AM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Great read. Really enjoyed your descriptions.

I think a temporary break is a good idea. Sounds like a lot of stuff was stirred up, give it some time to settle in a bit. As you go thru the week and notice things, do like Northerner said: watch them but don’t engage them. See how your perspective shifts.


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Offlinemangaka911
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Re: Trip #2 ~6g Dried Subaeruginosa. F#ck me dead… almost [Re: microbiome88]
    #26906135 - 08/29/20 02:28 PM (3 years, 4 months ago)

Nothing matters on this third dimensional world, but everything matters spiritually because all is one


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