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OnlineNorthernerM
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Health scares, moving forward.
    #26796320 - 07/01/20 06:15 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

I've had my second serious health scare in my life now. It's pretty hard going times. It makes me feel so fragile and that every moment counts more than ever. Mortality is a bitch of a thing to face when you think you're gonna die and there's plenty of time to think about it. It just sinks in more than ever. So much more resonant than percieved death on psychedelics. You live it day in and day out. You go to sleep with it and you wake up with it.

The thing that gets me more than anything is all the people, animals and plants I care for. Where they would be without me? I know they'd find a way, but still the concern drives deep.

Has anyone else here had cardiac, cancer or other serious healtn scares? How did you deal with it? How did it effect you? How did you resolve the issues it brought up for you?


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The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.


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InvisiblefeeversM
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: Northerner]
    #26796496 - 07/01/20 08:24 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Hope you're doing okay now man.

My only brushes with death have been of my owm doing, 2 overdoses where I was revived and a wreckless driving accident. Somehow I thought I had become immune to the fear of death since I shrugged them off fairly easily, but looking back I think I was just young and had become an expert at burying my emotions.

Last January I pinched the occipital nerve at the base of my skull, which resulted in a 24/7 pounding headache and numbness on the right side of my head and neck. I couldn't sleep more than 1-2 hours a night, 0 was more common. If I had an important event coming up, I'd purposelly not sleep for 2 days straight so I could try to get 3 hours that night. It was hell all day every day with no form of relief, for about a year.

Initially my doctor suspected brain cancer, so I can somewhat relate to the feeling you're talking about. The uncertainty leading up to the testing, how much I was shaking when I got the phone call after my MRI.  Going through something similar with my right now, getting results today actually. The diagnosis I got brought me relief, but as I read more about the condition I found that treatment rarely worked and suicide from it was common. I had already purchased a half gram of fentanyl for the purpose, those occassional days where I could get more than 2-3 hours of sleep kept me alive in the beginning, as well as an immensely supportive wife.

But to your question about how I handled it, initially all I saw was dread. I'd be in pain the rest of my life, never able to enjoy life clearly again or do most things I loved, the headaches even made thinking and talking difficult. I was sure I'd kill myself after a couple of years. I drank a lot, did everything I could to numb myself and make time pass.

What happened over time was that my whole view of life changed. Instead of thinking of myself, my ego and the things it loved and wanted/needed to do, I started really being more present. I couldn't help but do so, I'd nearly break down in panic when thinking of the future. I found new things to enjoy that I never would have even considered before, communicated with the people I loved in a much more thoughtful way. Looking back it was actually freeing in a way, it was like I simplified my life and lived in the moment instead of being lost in all the complexity future-oriented thinking.

A book was given to me by a friend that mixed hinduism, buddhism and philosophy in a really impactful way, and really gave me a solid basis to think about death and pain in a different way and work towards acceptance, which became the most important factor for me. I'm neither spiritual nor religious, but some of these ancient ponderings and teaching just hit home on the deepest levels.

After about a year of hell and trying a variety of treatment approaches and daily physical therapy, I found one that worked. I'm not cured, but I can sleep again and the pain is barely noticeable most of the day. I live with knowing that one wrong movement or bump to the head and Im back to where I started, and that the treatment likely may not work next time.

So my condition wasn't a physically deadly one, but it was something that took away nearly everything about the future I'd imagined and I thought it was very likely going to kill me. Initially I stayed sane by numbing myself and seeking out any possible cure, and hope. That got me nowhere. Once I shifted my aim more towards acceptance, I lived a more fulfilling life in those few months than I likely had in the decade prior. Even now that I'm better, for the moment at least, it's something that I'm constantly applying to my life. My future-oriented stress is non-existant, it'll be whatever it'll be.

Also, mushrooms can be indescribably helpful during these types of times in life as I'm sure you know. They were really the kickstart to get me out of the wallowing phase and start facing things head on.


Edited by feevers (07/01/20 08:37 AM)


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OfflinePatlal
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: feevers]
    #26796520 - 07/01/20 08:38 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

I had a pulmonary embolism when I was 23. I dealt with it using anxiety and panic attacks for 4 years.


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Invisibletrees
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: Northerner] * 1
    #26796589 - 07/01/20 09:22 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

When I was younger I felt heart palpations for the first time. Then I got so fixated on them that it kept happening like every 10 minutes. Suddenly my life was going to be over soon because my heart doesn't beat right and it's going to stop at any moment. I even had all kinds of chest pains. I didn't sleep right for a whole year, until I had forced the courage to go to the doctor and then to cardiologist. I told them it was serious im about to die and I need all the tests. They went ahead with a bunch of freaky tests and turned out it was all in my head all my symptoms stopped. My symptoms were extreme, very discomforting and painful, and all from my minds ability to emulate cardiac symptoms perfectly

that one had my life feeling completely over, while I was trying to keep a straight face around family since I hadn't told them and I was extremely depressed and anxious.


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Edited by trees (07/01/20 10:19 AM)


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OnlineNorthernerM
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: trees]
    #26797495 - 07/01/20 05:36 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Thanks for sharing your stories guys.

Feevers if you could please let me know what the name of the book you read is.

I went through heart issues like you trees. I had to stop drinking all alcohol, problem instantly disappeared. I know that feeling. Scary stuff.

I'm in a situation now where I have developed intolerance to chemicals added to food. But the symptoms mimicked cancer. As I eat pretty much a completely fresh diet already my diet was eliminated as a cause of the symptoms. But the one thing I do eat from time to time that contains chemical additives is 2 minute noodles. And it was that making me sick. Seriously sick. It wasn't a doctor who figured it out either. On my 4th or 5th round of blood tests I talked to the old nurse who was taking my blood. She warned me specifically about 2 minute noodles flavourings, that they are basically evil incarnate, and the penny dropped... it's the only non fresh thing besides chocolate that I eat. I stopped eating noodles and sure enough within a fortnight the pain stopped. After months of agony, so many doctor and hospital visits, so many tests, so much lost sleep, so much worry.

But I'm left reeling now. I'm overjoyed I'm not dying but left wondering what the hell I'm doing with the rest of my life. What do I really value? After all it could have been cancer and I could be laying dying now. It's got me super shook up.


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The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.


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Invisiblenooneman
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: Northerner]
    #26798405 - 07/02/20 03:04 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

I don't know if you ever completely do get over it or move forward. I think it's always in the back of your mind. It's weird, I don't worry as much about death itself, I worry more about not having the time to do the things I want to do. About having that time cut short. In a way it gets better with time, but it's always there.

I've had it at the back of my mind for like 5 years now, it sucks. I kept thinking that if I got in better shape, got healthier somehow, that it'd go away, but it never has. Every time I trip, it always has this overriding theme of death now, there's always this fear of dying and thinking about death that just goes with it now. It's not about the effects of the drug, but more like "what if I have a heart attack right now? What if my body can't take this and my heart gives out?" that kind of thing. It's bizarre, even when I feel fine, I have that thought at the back of my mind constantly.


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Offlineviraldrome
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: nooneman]
    #26798763 - 07/02/20 08:09 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

I've mentioned it before i had a stroke in 2012 at the age of 39. It was caused by crazy vomiting I had a bug and i puked until i was empty then i had dry heaves as they call it and i tore an artery in my neck causing me to have a stroke.

The whole time in hospital they made me feel guilty because i said used cocaine in the months before, I hadn't done it in a few weeks when the stroke happened but thats it the whole system looks at you like its your fault once you mention past use of cocaine.

Anyway I long term recovered 99 percent I had to learn to walk again but my balance seems mostly fine now I get a little dizzy on amusement park rides now. And I cant feel hot or cold on my right hand, that will never return they said, but no cognitive no facial drooping or slurring my words so i count my lucky graces to be alive. The effect on life now is mostly nil. Hard to say if i'm increased risk of a 2nd stroke or if it was freak thing. Never touch coke or mdma or meth or anything ever again but i still take psychedelics, smoke weed and drink.

Like a year ago i did a bunch of nitrous and had to go to the hospital the next day with chest pains and thought it was related but i had fluid build up around my heart which was treated with medication and now i'm fine, still doing nitrous, seems like it was just a coincidence that it happened after nitrous binge. My cardiologist just called and said to schedule my year after apt but I'm afraid of going anywhere near the hospital until covid goes away. I have an irregular heart beat that i didnt even notice until they told me.


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Lysergamides I have tried so far: 1P-LSD, 1cP-LSD, ALD-52, AL-LAD, LSZ, ETH-LAD, MIPLA, EIPLA, 1cP-AL-LAD


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OnlineNorthernerM
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: viraldrome]
    #26799599 - 07/02/20 02:53 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

That sounds super freaky viraldrome. Glad to hear you're recovery was so good.

Has it effected your outlook on life guys.? Has it all changed your value system at all? Or have you just fallen into routine again?


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The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.


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Invisiblenooneman
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: Northerner]
    #26799628 - 07/02/20 03:09 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

A little of both? I take things more seriously and put more effort into things, but routine is hard to escape from at the end of the day. I have gotten a lot healthier, stopped smoking, quit weed, started exercising regularly. I even try to watch what I eat somewhat. I guess I'm more health conscious. And I value the time that I have more.

I still have a bit of a stimulant habit, but I can't stop because if I do I immediately becomes 100% unproductive at everything in life. I probably have ADD or some kind of problem with dopamine in my brain or something because it's simply spectacular how unproductive I become without stimulants. But nevertheless, they're probably unhealthy and I still do them, so you know, it's a bit of both.

But that's like, my only vice now aside from LSD. Whereas I used to wake and bake and smoke all day every day and add cigarettes to it too, and I'd sit on my ass all day getting no exercise too, and I'd never care about the food I ate or anything else health wise.


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OfflineIce9
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: nooneman]
    #26799904 - 07/02/20 05:26 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

I was hit by lightning as a kid (little league baseball, clear sky for miles), was a direct hit through the top of my batting helmet (why it didn't strike the aluminum bat who knows.  I have had life long neurological problems, plus anxiety ever since. I know it's different cause I wasn't aware of the impact of me not being around at the time, but you get used to it. You know you'll leave a whole in some people, sometimes one that is near impossible to fill. They will get along just fine though, maybe a bit more worn and weary but they'll make it. 

Take this as someone who was a primary care taker of my mother for two years (left 3/4 of the way through a PhD program) only to watch her slowly die, lose quality of life, all at at a young age when this isn't supposed to happen. I eventually got over it(in a fashion) and even make dead mom jokes that for some reason makes everyone uncomfortable.


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The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Brenard Shaw


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InvisiblefeeversM
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: Ice9]
    #26802876 - 07/04/20 06:35 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Can't remember the book title unfortunately, passed it on to someone else a while back. I will say that stoic philosophy had much the same effect on me when I was more weary of anything spiritual. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius was my personal favorite. It really helped me to simplify my life and focus more on the things in my control, realizing the importance and impact of every seemingly trivial decision throughout the day.

Polishing the Mirror by Ram Dass is another book that's very similar to the one I mentioned. It was immensely helpful to me in terms of dealing with and integrating mortality and loss into life. Acceptance vs avoidance.

My outlook and view on life has definitely changed, although it is difficult to apply that outlook in every day life consistently. Sometimes I go for months on end, dwelling on the stuff that deep down I know is trivial in the grand scheme of things. Usually all it takes is just picking up one of books I've mentioned and reading a couple passages, or having a solid trip, to bring me back to earth. The ego is a strange beast though, I seem to avoid those things completely when I need them the most.


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Offlineviraldrome
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: Northerner]
    #26802902 - 07/04/20 06:57 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Northerner said:
That sounds super freaky viraldrome. Glad to hear you're recovery was so good.

Has it effected your outlook on life guys.? Has it all changed your value system at all? Or have you just fallen into routine again?




Not really, i just quit doing coke but otherwise no change


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Lysergamides I have tried so far: 1P-LSD, 1cP-LSD, ALD-52, AL-LAD, LSZ, ETH-LAD, MIPLA, EIPLA, 1cP-AL-LAD


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InvisiblezZZz
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Re: Health scares, moving forward. [Re: viraldrome]
    #26802904 - 07/04/20 06:58 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

:manofapproval:


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