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OfflineImpala
ImpalaPUA
Male

Registered: 05/14/04
Posts: 65
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
How often do you masturbate?
    #2679353 - 05/14/04 05:44 PM (19 years, 10 months ago)

How often do you masturbate?
How often do you masturbate?
You may choose only one


Votes accepted from (05/14/04 12:00 AM) to (No end specified)
You must vote before you can view the results of this poll


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Offlinetuco_ramirez
Fistful ofShrooms

Registered: 11/06/03
Posts: 398
Loc: DETROIT!
Last seen: 18 years, 3 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2679652 - 05/14/04 07:07 PM (19 years, 10 months ago)

I vote once a day, but it's more like a few times a week...  :whatever:

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OfflineImpala
ImpalaPUA
Male

Registered: 05/14/04
Posts: 65
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: tuco_ramirez]
    #2679698 - 05/14/04 07:21 PM (19 years, 10 months ago)

I stopped...been clean for 2 days soo far...I had the best sex lucid dream this morning though...

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Offlinewrong
Stranger
Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 1,219
Last seen: 19 years, 6 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: tuco_ramirez]
    #2680307 - 05/14/04 10:00 PM (19 years, 10 months ago)

me too

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Invisiblesilversoul7
Chill the FuckOut!
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Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 27,301
Loc: mndfreeze's puppet army
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2681205 - 05/15/04 02:46 AM (19 years, 10 months ago)

Once or twice a day. Sometimes more if I'm on a porn-downloading streak.


--------------------


"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."--Voltaire

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OfflineShroominDawg
Fellow Shroomer

Registered: 01/19/04
Posts: 73
Loc: GA
Last seen: 18 years, 7 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: silversoul7]
    #2694247 - 05/17/04 11:38 PM (19 years, 9 months ago)

Wow, you guys beat off alot.

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Offlinetuco_ramirez
Fistful ofShrooms

Registered: 11/06/03
Posts: 398
Loc: DETROIT!
Last seen: 18 years, 3 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: ShroominDawg]
    #2712055 - 05/21/04 04:22 PM (19 years, 9 months ago)

It's good practice for the real thing. I do it so that I can control myself in a gametime situation.

If I went a week without jerking it, I'd last 2 minutes in the sack.

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Invisibleluvdemshrooms
Two inch dick..but it spins!?
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Registered: 11/29/01
Posts: 34,247
Loc: Lost In Space
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: tuco_ramirez]
    #2712144 - 05/21/04 04:43 PM (19 years, 9 months ago)

As opposed to what? 2.5 minutes?

:wink:


--------------------
You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for that my dear friend is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. ~ Adrian Rogers

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OfflineLocus
Male

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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2765468 - 06/05/04 03:39 AM (19 years, 9 months ago)

usually at least once a day.. though some drugs make that a bit difficult.. and sometimes my dick doesn't agree with my mind..


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:

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OfflineIamthewalrus
every evening Idied and everynight I wasreborn
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Registered: 03/24/04
Posts: 3,744
Loc: Ontario
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2765836 - 06/05/04 10:00 AM (19 years, 9 months ago)

once a day if not using opiates not that I don't want too when using opiates but its impossible for me to finish the job and just ends in frustration :P

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InvisibleAcidic_SlothM
Acidic poly-Sided Di-slothamide
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Registered: 05/29/02
Posts: 43,732
Loc: ainrofilac Flag
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2787137 - 06/12/04 05:34 AM (19 years, 9 months ago)

:thumbup:


--------------------
-- Accept my heart warming gift of TREE SCRATCHIES!!! I absolve thee!! --

JaP: 30,000 lines of gay, cock, and fag can't be wrong
Ped: only in #shroomery is "smuggle opium in her ass" followed by "i don't want shitty opium" which is followed by " *** Joins: PENISSQUAD"
--
JaP: What would this place be without random sluts?
JaP: Nothing, I tell you.


:heart: :todcasil: :heart:

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InvisibleSkunk420
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Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 18,524
Loc: inside
Re: How often do you masturbate? *DELETED* [Re: Impala]
    #2791133 - 06/13/04 10:07 PM (19 years, 9 months ago)

atleast once a day..sometimes more...sometimes less, I prefer pussy or mouth better!!! :lol:

Edited by skunk78395 (09/06/04 02:32 AM)

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OfflineRedNucleus
Causal Observer
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Skunk420]
    #2796249 - 06/15/04 07:39 PM (19 years, 9 months ago)

More than once a day, it's healthy. I used to be religious and i tried to quit masturbating. Big mistake, it kills your libido after a while. yeah this is pointless i'm hitting done.


--------------------
Namaste

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OfflineEkstaza
stranger than most
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Registered: 04/10/03
Posts: 4,324
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2862324 - 07/06/04 05:56 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

I go sometimes months without doing it and other times I may do it multiple times a day for weeks at a time.


--------------------
YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH ANY GIVEN DRUG ISN'T THE DEFINITIVE MEASURE OF THE DRUGS EFFECTS.

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Anonymous

Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2862857 - 07/06/04 08:48 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

24 times a day

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Anonymous

Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: ]
    #2862859 - 07/06/04 08:48 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

no 24 hrs a day

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Anonymous

Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2862861 - 07/06/04 08:49 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

no 24 time evry hr

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Anonymous

Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2865295 - 07/07/04 02:17 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

NEVER I DONT WANT TO GO BLIND

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Anonymous

Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2865394 - 07/07/04 02:38 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

all the time

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Anonymous

Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2865396 - 07/07/04 02:38 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

shoot thats why we have a hand

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OfflineLocus
Male

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Posts: 6,112
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: ]
    #2871830 - 07/09/04 05:02 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

i actually use my mouth, im a contortionist


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:

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OfflineOMNiKiLLeR
Scorned Watcherof Ages
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Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 159
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2884167 - 07/12/04 10:06 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

when Im stoned, alot.

When im trippin, almost never.

When Im on the computer. . . Well you figure it out, Why do you think we all have a mouse pad :penis: hehe


--------------------
"If it wern't for that horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college"~Lewis Black
"Where did you get all these slackers?"~Manager Kmart, Boise ID
"Burp dee durb, durbidy durb dee dumm"~ Southark
I didnt do it!
:dancing: :dancing:  :ass: :whatever: :bow: :penis: :bow: :whatever: :ass::dancing: :dancing:

Please Visit and Support the FSRE!

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Anonymous

Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: OMNiKiLLeR]
    #2884215 - 07/12/04 10:20 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

mouse pad?

the fuck?

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Invisiblefreakygurl
Stranger
Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 537
Re: How often do you masturbate? *DELETED* [Re: OMNiKiLLeR]
    #2884299 - 07/12/04 10:40 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

Post deleted by freakygurl

Reason for deletion: .


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Invisibletyke
eschatologist

Registered: 06/23/04
Posts: 153
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Locus]
    #2884414 - 07/12/04 11:12 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Locus said:
i actually use my mouth, im a contortionist



:shocked:
lucky bastard.  :blowme:


--------------------
hey, that douchebag, tyke, just made a post. let's go flame 'im!


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OfflineFreshCaps
Nor-Cal

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 740
Loc: The Cannabis State
Last seen: 18 years, 7 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2884723 - 07/13/04 01:28 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)



I love that ^^^^^
And please tell us what you use the mouse pad for? Maybe I can try it?? Who knows... :smile: :smile: :smile:


--------------------
THE BEST ASS:



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OfflineMiscusi
Upstate Chillin'
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2884726 - 07/13/04 01:30 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

Hmm.... masturbation.. once a day usualy, but once i get looking at that pic of Geordi's mom.. i could go for hours..

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OfflineOMNiKiLLeR
Scorned Watcherof Ages
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Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 159
Loc: A Construct of my Percept...
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: freakygurl]
    #2884807 - 07/13/04 02:25 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Vaka said:
Quote:

OMNiKiLLeR said:
Why do you think we all have a mouse pad :penis: hehe






Sorry I had to.



Quote:

dustin said:
mouse pad?

the fuck?




Dont you love quote stacking?

Hehe, its the handy dandy neverending napkin next to your computer, plus it gives your mouse traction :whatever: :ass:


--------------------
"If it wern't for that horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college"~Lewis Black
"Where did you get all these slackers?"~Manager Kmart, Boise ID
"Burp dee durb, durbidy durb dee dumm"~ Southark
I didnt do it!
:dancing: :dancing:  :ass: :whatever: :bow: :penis: :bow: :whatever: :ass::dancing: :dancing:

Please Visit and Support the FSRE!

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OfflineMinimumEfrt2
enthusiast
Registered: 03/17/04
Posts: 293
Last seen: 13 years, 6 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: OMNiKiLLeR]
    #2888975 - 07/14/04 09:30 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

ur joking right??

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Invisibleladychemist84
badnitrogirl
Female

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 97
Loc: IL
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2889050 - 07/14/04 10:03 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

everyday........cannot go without, it's like the air i breathe


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OfflineRedo
CTA

Registered: 04/13/04
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 18 years, 7 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: OMNiKiLLeR]
    #2891217 - 07/14/04 07:41 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

omni your avatar makes me queezy.

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Invisibleentheoindole
Seāð Wīdfarend
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Registered: 04/04/04
Posts: 595
Loc: Eormensyll, Vīnland
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2891269 - 07/14/04 08:04 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

Once a day or more, depends.

I thought I might be labeled as a chronic masturbator; apparently I'm just like any other guy. :whatever: :penis: :drooling:

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OfflineLocus
Male

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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: entheoindole]
    #2891919 - 07/15/04 12:04 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

Once a friend and I were doing prank phone calls and he called some store and said, "Hello, I'm a chronic masturbator. Do you have any playboys?" And the girl was like Ewwwww! That's so disgusting!

:tongue:


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:

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Offlinehawksapprentice
Yearns to Snowboard
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 3,195
Loc: Oregon
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Redo]
    #2892343 - 07/15/04 04:41 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

How does that make you quesy Redo????
Does pussy scare you????
:wink:


--------------------
"I celebrate the Earth, my home, my mother, my grave, and as long as men are Man they must, if they would preserve the integrated being, do the same---[and preserve]--this rank casual hungry smelly sweaty lusting transitory body, my oozy pulpy liquid-bag-swollen body, bones, blood, hair glands, my bejeweled sex; I love and celebrate it all.  never to let men forget that they are animals as much as gods---that is one thing I shall say."

  Edward Abbey

Edited by hawksapprentice (07/15/04 04:42 AM)

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OfflineCupOfWater
Gesture ofkindness
Registered: 07/13/04
Posts: 43
Loc: louisiana
Last seen: 19 years, 6 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2895973 - 07/16/04 02:42 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

haha damn i used to think i masturbated a little too often and from reading this im sure of it...most of the time 3+ a day : ) beleive it or not i started when i was 4 no lie i was only kid in elementry school that didnt think girls had cooties but none of the other guys liked me lol oh well least i started getting pratice with talking to and getting to understand the females early : ) has greatly paid off

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OfflineSuperUnborn
Incubating
Registered: 06/12/04
Posts: 10
Loc: Michigan
Last seen: 19 years, 6 months
Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: CupOfWater]
    #2897641 - 07/16/04 03:50 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

Don't feel bad, CupOfWater, I wasn't much older when I figured it out :smile:


--------------------
Growing my own hammer and chisel.

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OfflineLocus
Male

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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: SuperUnborn]
    #2899310 - 07/17/04 07:26 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

holy crap that's young! i know i would have been doing that if only i knew how haha :grin:


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:

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Invisiblemycopsycho
Tit Inspector.
Male
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Posts: 3,712
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala] * 2
    #2899445 - 07/17/04 09:13 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

i voted never but it's more like once every 3-4 months. and something for every dick beater here to think about:

A friend of mine, when he was 13 years old he heard about "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostate gland hard enough, and the rumor is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buy a carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkout counter, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.

So my friend, he buys milk and eggs and sugar and a carrot, all the ingredients for a carrot cake. And Vaseline.

Like he's going home to stick a carrot cake up his butt.

At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. He slathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.

Then, this kid, his mom yells it's supper time. She says to come down, right now.

He works the carrot out and stashes the slippery, filthy thing in the dirty clothes under his bed.

After dinner, he goes to find the carrot, and it's gone. All his dirty clothes, while he ate dinner, his mom grabbed them all to do laundry. No way could she not find the carrot, carefully shaped with a paring knife from her kitchen, still shiny with lube and stinky.

This friend of mine, he waits months under a black cloud, waiting for his folks to confront him. And they nev?er do. Ever. Even now that he's grown up, that invisible carrot hangs over every Christmas dinner, every birthday party. Every Easter egg hunt with his kids, his parents' grandkids, that ghost carrot is hovering over all of them. That something too awful to name.

People in France have a phrase: "staircase wit." In French: esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a par?ty and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party....

As you start down the stairway, then-magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down.

That?s the spirit of the stairway.

The trouble is, even the French don't have a phrase for the stupid things you actually do say under pressure. Those stupid, desperate things you actually think or do.

Some deeds are too low to even get a name. Too low to even get talked about.

Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counselors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around their kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm every?where. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look ... better. Intentional at least. The regular kind of sad teen suicide.

Another friend of mine, a kid from school, his older brother in the Navy said how guys in the Middle East jack off different than we do here. This brother was stationed in some camel country where the public market sells what could be fancy letter openers. Each fancy tool is just a thin rod of pol?ished brass or silver, maybe as long as your hand, with a big tip at one end, ei?ther a big metal ball or the kind of fan?cy carved handle you'd see on a sword. This Navy brother says how Arab guys get their dick hard and then insert this metal rod inside the whole length of their boner. They jack off with the rod inside, and it makes getting off so much better. More intense.

It's this big brother who travels around the world, sending back French phrases. Russian phrases. Helpful jack-off tips.

After this, the little brother, one day he doesn't show up at school. That night, he calls to ask if I'll pick up his homework for the next couple weeks. Because he's in the hospital.

He's got to share a room with old people getting their guts worked on. He says how they all have to share the same television. All he's got for privacy is a curtain. His folks don't come and visit. On the phone, he says how right now his folks could just kill his big brother in the Navy.

On the phone, the kid says how-the day before-he was just a little stoned. At home in his bedroom, he was flopped on the bed. He was lighting a candle and flipping through some old porno magazines, getting ready to beat off. This is after he's heard from his Navy brother. That helpful hint about how Arabs beat off. The kid looks around for something that might do the job. A ballpoint pen's too big. A pencil's too big and rough. But dripped down the side of the candle, there's a thin, smooth ridge of wax that just might work. With just the tip of one finger, this kid snaps the long ridge of wax off the candle. He rolls it smooth between the palms of his hands. Long and smooth and thin.

Stoned and horny, he slips it down inside, deeper and deeper into the piss slit of his boner. With a good hank of the wax still poking out the top, he gets to work.

Even now, he says those Arab guys are pretty damn smart. They've totally reinvented jacking off. Flat on his back in bed, things are getting so good, this kid can't keep track of the wax. He's one good squeeze from shooting his wad when the wax isn't sticking out anymore.

The thin wax rod, it's slipped inside. All the way inside. So deep inside he can't even feel the lump of it inside his piss tube.

From downstairs, his mom shouts it's supper time. She says to come down, right now. This wax kid and the carrot kid are different people, but we all live pretty much the same life.

It's after dinner when the kid's guts start to hurt. It's wax, so he figured it would just melt inside him and he'd pee it out. Now his back hurts. His kid?neys. He can't stand straight.

This kid talking on the phone from his hospital bed, in the background you can hear bells ding, people scream?ing. Game shows.

The X-rays show the truth, some?thing long and thin, bent double inside his bladder. This long, thin V inside him, it's collecting all the minerals in his piss. It's getting bigger and rougher, coated with crystals of calci?um, it's bumping around, ripping up the soft lining of his bladder, blocking his piss from getting out. His kidneys are backed up. What little that leaks out his dick is red with blood.

This kid and his folks, his whole fam?ily, them looking at the black X-ray with the doctor and the nurses stand?ing there, the big V of wax glowing white for everybody to see, he has to tell the truth. The way Arabs get off. What his big brother wrote him from the Navy.

On the phone, right now, he starts to cry.

They paid for the bladder operation with his college fund. One stupid mis?take, and now he'll never be a lawyer.

Sticking stuff inside yourself. Stick?ing yourself inside stuff. A candle in your dick or your head in a noose, we knew it was going to be big trouble.

What got me in trouble, I called it Pearl Diving. This meant whacking off underwater, sitting on the bottom at the deep end of my parents' swimming pool. With one deep breath, I'd kick my way to the bottom and slip off my swim trucks. I'd sit down there for two, three, four minutes.

Just from jacking oft' I had huge lung capacity. If I had the house to myself, I'd do this all afternoon. After I'd finally pump out my stuff, my sperm, it would hang there in big, fat, milky gobs.

After that was more diving, to catch it all. To collect it and wipe each hand?ful in a towel. That's why it was called Pearl Diving. Even with chlorine, there was my sister to worry about. Or, Christ almighty, my mom.

That used to be my worst fear in the world: my teenage virgin sister, think?ing she's just getting fat, then giving birth to a two-headed, retard baby. Both heads looking just like me. Me, the father and the uncle. In the end, it's never what you worry about that gets you.

The best part of Pearl Diving was the inlet port for the swimming pool filter and the circulation pump. The best part was getting naked and sit?ting on it.

As the French would say, Who doesn't like getting their butt sucked? Still, one minute you're just a kid getting off, and the next minute you'll never be a lawyer.

One minute I'm settling on the pool bottom and the sky is wavy, light blue through eight feet of water above my head. The world is silent except for the heartbeat in my ears. My yellow?striped swim trunks are looped around my neck for safe keeping, just in case a friend, a neighbor, anybody shows up to ask why I skipped foot?ball practice. The steady suck of the pool inlet hole is lapping at me and I'm grinding my skinny white ass around on that feeling.

One minute I've got enough air and my dick's in my hand. My folks are gone at their work and my sister's got ballet. Nobody's supposed to be home for hours.

My hand brings me right to getting off, and I stop. I swim up to catch an?other big breath. I dive down and settle on the bottom.

I do this again and again.

This must be why girls want to sit on your face. The suction is like taking a dump that never ends. My dick hard and getting my butt eaten out, I do not need air. My heartbeat in my ears, I stay under until bright stars of light start worming around in my eyes. My legs straight out, the back of each knee rubbed raw against the concrete bot?tom. My toes are turning blue, my toes and fingers wrinkled from being so long in the water.

And then I let it happen. The big white gobs start spouting. The pearls. It's then I need some air. But when I go to kick off against the bottom, I can't. I can't get my feet under me. My ass is stuck.

Emergency paramedics will tell you that every year about 150 people get stuck this way, sucked by a circulation pump. Get your long hair caught, or your ass, and you're going to drown. Every year, tons of people do. Most of them in Florida.

People just don't talk about it. Not even French people talk about everything. Getting one knee up, getting one foot tucked under me, I get to half standing when I feel the tug against my butt. Get?ting my other foot under me, I kick off against the bottom. I'm kicking free, not touching the concrete, but not getting to the air, either.

Still kicking water, thrashing with both arms, I'm maybe halfway to the surface but not going higher. The heartbeat in?side my head getting loud and fast.

The bright sparks of light crossing and crisscrossing my eyes, I turn and look back ... but it doesn't make sense. This thick rope, some kind of snake, blue?white and braided with veins, has come up out of the pool drain and it's holding on to my butt. Some of the veins are leaking blood, red blood that looks black underwater and drifts away from little rips in the pale skin of the snake. The blood trails away, disappearing in the water, and inside the snake's thin, blue?white skin you can see lumps of some half-digested meal.

That's the only way this makes sense. Some horrible sea monster, a sea serpent, something that's never seen the light of day, it's been hiding in the dark bottom of the pool drain, waiting to eat me.

So ...I kick at it, at the slippery, rub?bery knotted skin and veins of it, and more of it seems to pull out of the pool drain. It's maybe as long as my leg now, but still holding tight around my butt?hole. With another kick, I'm an inch closer to getting another breath. Still feeling the snake tug at my ass, I'm an inch closer to my escape.

Knotted inside the snake, you can see corn and peanuts. You can see a long bright-orange ball. It's the kind of horse?pill vitamin my dad makes me take, to help put on weight. To get a football scholarship. With extra iron and omega?three fatty acids.

It's seeing that vitamin pill that saves my life.

It's not a snake. It's my large intestine, my colon pulled out of me. What doctors call prolapsed. It's my guts sucked into the drain.

Paramedics will tell you a swimming pool pump pulls 80 gallons of water every minute. That's about 400 pounds of pressure. The big problem is we're all connected together inside. Your ass is just the far end of your mouth. If I let go, the pump keeps working-unravel?ing my insides-until it's got my tongue. Imagine taking a 400-pound shit and you can see how this might turn you inside out.

What I can tell you is your guts don't feel much pain. Not the way your skin feels pain. The stuff you're digesting, doctors call it fecal matter. Higher up is chyme, pockets of a thin, runny mess studded with corn and peanuts and round green peas.

That's all this soup of blood and corn, shit and sperm and peanuts floating around me. Even with my guts unravel?ing out my ass, me holding on to what's left, even then my first want is to some?how get my swimsuit back on.

God forbid my folks see my dick.

My one hand holding a fist around my ass, my other hand snags my yellow?striped swim trunks and pulls them from around my neck. Still, getting into them is impossible.

You want to feel your intestines, go buy a pack of those lambskin condoms. Take one out and unroll it. Pack it with peanut butter. Smear it with petroleum jelly and hold it under water. Then try to tear it. Try to pull it in half. It's too tough and rubbery. It's so slimy you can't hold on.

A lambskin condom, that's just plain old intestine.

You can see what I'm up against.

You let go for a second and you're gutted.

You swim for the surface, for a breath, and you're gutted.

You don't swim and you drown.

It's a choice between being dead right now or a minute from right now.

What my folks will find after work is a big naked fetus, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of veins and twisted guts. The opposite of a kid hanging himself to death while he jacks off. This is the baby they brought home from the hospital 13 years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a football schol?arship and get an MBA. Who'd care for them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky pearls of wasted sperm.

Either that or my folks will find me wrapped in a bloody towel, collapsed halfway from the pool to the kitchen tele?phone, the ragged, torn scrap of my guts still hanging out the leg of my yellow?striped swim trunks.

What even the French won't talk about.

That big brother in the Navy, he taught us one other good phrase. A Russian phrase. The way we say, "I need that like I need a hole in my head...," Russian people say, "I need that like I need teeth in my asshole......

Mne eto nado kak zuby v zadnitse.

Those stories about how animals caught in a trap will chew off their leg, well, any coyote would tell you a couple bites beats the hell out of being dead.

Hell ... even if you're Russian, someday you just might want those teeth.

Otherwise, what you have to do is?you have to twist around. You hook one elbow behind your knee and pull that leg up into your face. You bite and snap at your own ass. You run out of air and you will chew through anything to get that next breath.

It's not something you want to tell a girl on the first date. Not if you expect a kiss good night. If I told you how it tasted, you would never, ever again eat calamari.

It's hard to say what my parents were more disgusted by: how I'd got in trou?ble or how I'd saved myself. After the hospital, my mom said, "You didn't know what you were doing, honey. You were in shock." And she learned how to cook poached eggs.

All those people grossed out or feeling sorry for me....

I need that like I need teeth in my asshole.

Nowadays, people always tell me I look too skinny. People at dinner parties get all quiet and pissed off when I don't eat the pot roast they cooked. Pot roast kills me. Baked ham. Anything that hangs around inside my guts for longer than a couple of hours, it comes out still food. Home-cooked lima beans or chunk light tuna fish, I'll stand up and find it still sitting there in the toilet.

After you have a radical bowel resec?tioning, you don't digest meat so great. Most people, you have five feet of large intestine. I'm lucky to have my six inch?es. So I never got a football scholarship. Never got an MBA. Both my friends, the wax kid and the carrot kid, they grew up, got big, but I've never weighed a pound more than I did that day when I was 13.

Another big problem was my folks paid a lot of good money for that swim?ming pool. In the end my dad just told the pool guy it was a dog. The family dog fell in and drowned. The dead body got pulled into the pump. Even when the pool guy cracked open the filter casing and fished out a rubbery tube, a watery hank of intestine with a big orange vita?min pill still inside, even then my dad just said, "That dog was fucking nuts."

Even from my upstairs bedroom window, you could hear my dad say, "We couldn't trust that dog alone for a second...."

Then my sister missed her period.

Even after they changed the pool water, after they sold the house and we moved to another state, after my sister's abortion, even then my folks never men?tioned it again.

Ever.

That is our invisible carrot.

put that in your hand and whack it!


--------------------
I Am The Sickness.

Diploid: I think adults have a right to make stupid decisions and it's nobody else's fucking business.

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OfflineLocus
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: mycopsycho]
    #2899576 - 07/17/04 10:53 AM (19 years, 8 months ago)

Oh my god man. That's insane. Well, you and your friends know what you did was very, very stupid I'm sure. Nevertheless, I'm sorry you had to have that happen to you.

It's comical though that you and two of your friends all had something bad happen to them for the same reason, masturbation. Even though bad things happened, and the degree of how bad varies greatly, especially yours.

Nice very long post though. I hope you've been able to deal with this a lot better now than you must have been the first few years after this happened.


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:

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Invisiblemycopsycho
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Locus]
    #2899770 - 07/17/04 12:45 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

slow down there locus. i can thankfully say that this did not happen to me. it isn't even real, it's a story. thehatecamel originally posted this in the dog days of summer thread and i posted it here to scare dick beaters... lol. but yeah, this is a pretty insane story. BTW, it was written by the same dude who wrote fight club (i think it was fight club). :sperm:


--------------------
I Am The Sickness.

Diploid: I think adults have a right to make stupid decisions and it's nobody else's fucking business.

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OfflineLocus
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: mycopsycho]
    #2899788 - 07/17/04 01:00 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

Oh ok, lol. Well that's good :laugh: Next time say that it's not real! Haha. Oh well, it was an interesting read anyway. :smile:


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:

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Invisiblemycopsycho
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Locus]
    #2899798 - 07/17/04 01:09 PM (19 years, 8 months ago)

next time i will. the first time i read it, it kinda scared me. very realistic story though, and some potions of this story have happened, just not all at once to the same person.


--------------------
I Am The Sickness.

Diploid: I think adults have a right to make stupid decisions and it's nobody else's fucking business.

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Invisibleentheoindole
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Locus]
    #2946624 - 07/30/04 10:08 PM (19 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Locus said:
Once a friend and I were doing prank phone calls and he called some store and said, "Hello, I'm a chronic masturbator. Do you have any playboys?" And the girl was like Ewwwww! That's so disgusting!

:tongue:




LOL! :tripping:

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Offlinecanid
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2959832 - 08/03/04 10:29 AM (19 years, 7 months ago)

i know this has been posted to death, but:


--------------------



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Invisiblerogue_pixie
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2960089 - 08/03/04 12:24 PM (19 years, 7 months ago)

Once a day.


--------------------
"Whatever you do, you need to keep moving.  Because when you stop moving you die (physically and emotionally).

Good luck and blessings of happiness and fortune." ~ RandalFlagg RIP


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Offlinegrwsm2
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #2961319 - 08/03/04 06:08 PM (19 years, 7 months ago)

you know once ever couple of days, gotta let the juices flow if not youll get backed up

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Offlinejermspfan
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: ladychemist84]
    #4624208 - 09/06/05 12:30 AM (18 years, 6 months ago)

hmmm first thing in the morning and right before i get up in the morning :wink:

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InvisibleTippinthru
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: jermspfan]
    #4628643 - 09/07/05 01:23 AM (18 years, 6 months ago)

This is obviously a powerful subject as it has 1464 views!

Keep the juices flowing!


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Perfection is attained by slow degrees; it requires the hand of time...
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OfflineMindash
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Impala]
    #15998692 - 03/26/12 12:53 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

hah im of the 02% that hit once a month but when your more or less chemicly castrated due to your meds that will happen... on the bright side its one less hassel


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OfflineDubwobble
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Mindash]
    #16146233 - 04/27/12 09:10 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Every morning and every night.


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Offlinethissongis
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Dubwobble]
    #16146269 - 04/27/12 09:31 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

what the fuck man, pearl diving?

Edited by thissongis (05/21/12 10:14 PM)

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Offlinepunkster
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: thissongis]
    #16153302 - 04/28/12 10:23 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

I aim to only do it once a day but as soon as im baked theres no stopping it

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OfflineShiVersblood
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: punkster]
    #16164834 - 05/01/12 10:23 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

So I'm guessing the 17 people who voted never are all females.

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OfflineRoflspammer
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: mycopsycho] * 1
    #17364077 - 12/09/12 08:50 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

mycopsycho said:
i voted never but it's more like once every 3-4 months. and something for every dick beater here to think about:

A friend of mine...

.............................................

Then my sister missed her period.

Even after they changed the pool water, after they sold the house and we moved to another state, after my sister's abortion, even then my folks never men?tioned it again.

Ever.

That is our invisible carrot.

put that in your hand and whack it!




Dafuq did I just read...

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Invisiblepablokabute
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: Roflspammer]
    #17365865 - 12/10/12 06:51 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

you guys are fucking your hands..

which i sometimes do too about twice a week.. whenever i feel like i need to drain some energy forces within.. haha..


--------------------

Fermented Mushrooms!!
--- https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/23378638/fpart/1/vc/1

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--Anonymous Guerilla, or is he..

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OfflineVisionary Tools
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: mycopsycho]
    #17368517 - 12/10/12 03:29 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

mycopsycho said:
TL:DR; If you touch your cock or bottom bad things will happen




I read that story right after cumming. Oh the irony.


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Offlinewestcoasterin
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Re: How often do you masturbate? [Re: mycopsycho]
    #20557958 - 09/12/14 01:35 PM (9 years, 6 months ago)

wtf?! There is some very disturbing material in this thread.:eek:

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