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Anonymous #1 |
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So...I just wanted to post a story about my life...I've left out a lot of details and I dont know why I'm sharing this but maybe someone will get something out of it. Also It'd be cool if anyone wants to give me any advice... been struggling to stay positive through all this.
Ok, so I guess I'll start from the beginning of where I'd consider the major life events that affected me and probably attributed to a lot of the choices I made throughout my life. When I was 5 years old I was molested by a 14 year old boy at daycare center, he told me he was going to kill my family and everyone I love if I didn't suck his dick, it's one of my earliest childhood memories, and for a long time I didn't think it affected me but looking back I think it played a major role in the fact that I felt like something was wrong with me growing up. Fast forward to when I was 12 years old, one day my mom sat me and told me the man I knew as my father up to that point wasnt actually my real father, which I just kind of accepted she asked if I understood but it honestly caused me a great deal of confusion and made me feel even more out of place, i couldn't understand why she would keep that from me my whole life I felt like my life was a lie I guess. I was in 8th grade and I had become very close to this girl, at the time she was the closest thing to what i thought was a bestfriend...i ended up falling in love with her, started having all these thoughts of wanting to spend the rest of my life with her, marriage family. Stuff i dont think most 12 year olds think about. i told her how i felt and she told me she loved me too. We rode the bus to school together everyday, and the day after I told her all this, I get on the bus, she's sitting next to my closest guy friend , she looks dead at me and starts making out with him. I felt hurt, i didn't understand because she told me she loved me, another lie and another reason to make me feel like everything everyone ever tells me is bullshit and fake. I felt worthless, I got very depressed, I became suicidal, started cutting myself, I attempted to hang myself when I did my mom said she had a gut feeling something was very wrong and she went to check on me, my bedroom door was locked, so she busted in and saw me hanging in my closest said I was turning blue/purple not breathing, she cut the rope.. I got naked acted spent like 2 weeks in the psych ward. They tried all kinds of medications on me and they all made it worse. My step dad at the time was a major coke head and pot head, and my older cousin who was like my closest family member and someone I always looked up too smoked alot. I heard about drugs the first time in DARE at school though and I was so depressed I decided if anything could make me feel different than I did I might as well try it. I started self medicating. Fell in love with pot started smoking it regularly, when school ended that year I decided to tell my step dad I smoked. He was surprised but totally accepting of It, he taught me how to roll a joint the night I told him. I was still depressed though and I just never talked about it or told anyone they only would find out when I did something stupid or crazy. I became obsessed with the idea of drugs and the idea that they are able to make you experience different states of consciousness, and is started researching on the web and would read anything everything I could about them. Sometime in the summer when I was 13 I was introduced to magic mushrooms and heroin. Didn't care for the H but loved the mushrooms. Decided I was open to experience everything at least one time, but at this point I mainlyjust smoked pot, tried drinking alcohol but everytime I did I would drink too much and black out and it was unpleasant. When i got into high school i met a girl we started dating, I joined the football team, I was an A and B student always excelled at everything I did, one day she breaks up with me, and then boom suicidal and depressed, literally was planning on killing myself that night when I got home. My stepdad picked me up and I knew he had tons of pills because he had back and neck surgeries so I was going to get some and try to overdose. He picked me up from school, I got in the backseat, and passed out, I was just mentally exhausted from being so upset. I woke up to a dumptruck hitting us at 55mph dead on while we at a red light. It was insane, the EMTs told me that because I was asleep it saved my life, but that accident fractured my spine in 2 places, when I got to the hospital they lVd me with dilaudid and It felt amazing...they sent me home with a script of vicodin, and so there began my addiction to painkillers.. my back was really screwed up they pulled me out of school and I had to do it all at home online classes. They kept me on painkillers till I was 16 then just decided to take them away and told me they didn't want me to be dependent on them but it was already too late. 80 after they took them away I started doing heroin or any other pain killers I could get, mainly because I was in alot of physical pain, but alot of was mental and the fact I had a history of such horrible depression I'm sure was a factor. I wanted to escape the pain I felt. That year when I was 16 I also met a girl at a party I threw, and we ended up becoming good friends then we got together, and we were in a serious relationship for almost 2 years and during that period I stopped almost all drug use except pot and mushrooms occasionally. I was genuinely happy and all I cared about was our life together and doing everything I could to make sure she was happy and to build a life worth living for us. After my 18th birthday right around what would've been our anniversary I had a horrible dream that she was sleeping with my older cousin, it was so lucid and real, I woke up crying and screaming...l called her bestfriend and told her about it and asked if she knew something I should know...she told me it sounds like you already know...so I went to my cousins house and they were literally having sex right then... that's a tough one to talk about. the two closest people to me in the world, I trusted and loved them with all my hear...it utterly destroyed me. So I'm sure you can guess, I decided I was going to kill myself, for real this time nothing was going to stop me, I felt like I lost everything all reason to live was just gone, everything I ever believed in a lie. My cousin let me in the house, I told them I couldn't believe them, that what they were doing was so wrong, how could you... blah blah blah.. told them as long as I was alive that they couldn't be together, but that shouldnt be a problem because I wont be alive much.lon er. my cousin told her I was right that it was wrong and he couldn't be with her and that she had to leave... oh I forgot to mention we were engaged..anyways she left the house crying before she left she started crying and said to my cousin, but I'm falling in love with you, and all he said was Iām sorry I can't do this. So after she left I told my cousin i hope i never see you again. I can't believe you did this. I hope your happy. Then I left, with every intention to end my life because apparently I'm just unlovable and so worthless that the people I care about do this to me so no one will even care if I'm alive. I was walking to the bus station and going to try and score some drugs and OD. Not even halfway there a cop stops me and says I'm detaining you we just got a report of a kidnapping and rape and you fit the description.. I was like wtf. seriously. he cuffed me. wouldn't even let me taIk, took me to this holding facility and then these detectives came in and started asking me all these questions. So I told them everything that had just happened with my cousin and her and they refused to believe me. I just turned 18 and was looking at 45 to life in prison... long story short on that my parents got me a lawyer, bonded me out, and for the next 3 months I ended up in one of the worst drug binges of my life. Completely didn't care if i lived or died, just didn't want to feel anything anymore. One night i get a phone call from my ex and she's crying saying she heard i was trying to kill myself with drugs, told me she had been with my cousin the whole time and found out he was seeing several other girls. Told me she wanted to see me... everything told me not to do it but in my heart I knew that I unconditionally loved her so I decided to go see her and see what happened... we ended up getting back together, and my lawyer like freaked out and said he needed to see her and speak with her, so they did and she told him what happened and admitted that she lied about me kidnapping her and raping her so he told her she had to write a letter to the state attorney or I'd be going to prison for a very long time,she did, charges got dropped. Then I spent another year and a half with her... she started sleeping with most of my close friends.. would lie about it, then tell me weeks later. And | just accepted it as my life, I didn't want to live without her so it that's what made her happy I just chose to live with it...but I was so fucked up inside reality was too painful so I just got deeper and deeper into drug use until I reached a breaking point and told her I couldn't do it anymore...broke up with her, and tried to move on with my life. After she left I kept using more and more until I ended up getting hospitalized and almost dying from shooting up so many drugs... was borderline comatose for 3 days, when I came to the doctor said I needed to think about staying around for a while that my family loved me and that if I kept doing what I was doing I would for sure die, they found over 20 different drugs in my system (was doing lots of RCs and most of the common street drugs) So the doctor recommended I go to a 1 year residential rehab, i ran out of the hospital.. went straight back to using..did they for a while until I reached rock bottom, had no money, nobody in my family wanted me around, so I ended up homeless and just utterly alone and helpless.. and then I decided to finally call my mom and ask for help and tell her I'd go to rehab. So I did, was there for 42 days, then they released me, and I was in a halfway house for about a month, and then someone I actually used drugs with for a long time contacted me, told me he had gotten clean, and that he was proud of me. And asked me if i wanted to move upstate with him, so i took the chance, too many painful memories in my hometown, I was 23 at that time so 3 years ago. I stayed clean for 2 years, got my life together held a full time job, and did a lot too work on myself and heal and come to terms with everything, fell in love with gardening and hiking, and canoeing, music and festivals, cooking and pretty much just living life. I let go of the idea that I need other people's love and acceptance to have any self worth and began to actually value my own life. I started to experience happiness and freedom like I never had before and everything was going great. Until my back issues started acting up. I forgot to mention, when I was 18 I had a major fusion on my lower back |4-I5 vertebrae due to the car accident. A year after that surgery my body rejected it and i woke up paralyzed, the bone grafted that used to replace the blown disc in that area had popped out of place and was hitting my spinal cord. Went to hospital and they gave me 2 options, emergency surgery with a 50/50 chance that I will be able to walk again but possibly make it worse, or to leave it and just be paralyzed from waist down rest of my life. So I took the 50% chance of being able to walk, and it worked, but I have permanent nerve damage and constant physical pain. So anyways, I had a horrible sciatica flare up and it was unbearable to stand longer than 5 minutes, tried going to the hospital they said there was nothing they could do, I was stuck like that for over a month unable to work so I lost my job, started arguing with roommates and everything just started to fall apart in my life and I felt helpless to do anything about it. I ended up going to my hometown because my Mom wanted me to attend her wedding(her 5th marriage) and I ended up moving back there.. sciatic flare up went away, found a new job, everything was going good for a while until I started dating this girl, and one night we got into an argument because she kept accusing me of cheating on her which is something I would never even think of doing to someone because not only do I know how it feels but that just not something I'm capable of doing my heart doesn't work like that I'm all or nothing when it comes to relationships and I take loyalty and honesty very seriously. Well she kept fighting with me and we broke up, and I had just run into an old friend who I grew up with, and he was selling alot of drugs, I was so upset not thinking straight and I relapsed and in a matter of months I lost everything, this was last year... lost my car, job, destroyed my relationship with my family, and ended up homeless again... it just kept getting worse until I reached rock bottom again, and one day I got on my knees and prayed and begged God to help me... Somewhere in my downward spiral that friend I mentioned had asked me to give him ride to do a deal. Well over 8 months later is when I broke down and prayed to God...a couple days later I got arrested for a warrant for Trafficking phenethylamines, possession of DMT, and Posession of Methamphetamine. I got arrested spent the next 5 months in jail. Cold Turkey detoxed from meth, cocaine, methadone, heroin, and fentanyl in there, and then my mom bonded me out because of this whole covid thing. While I was in there I had nothing but time to reflect on all my decisions and everything in my life and I decided that Im done being addicted to drugs, I see how much I have destroyed myself and my life with them, I want to live differently. I want right my wrongs, I want to make my family proud, I want to live a life worth living. So I've been out almost 3 months now and I'm doing everything I can to be the best I can be. I decided to start taking my health seriously again. I decided to go vegan, regular exercise, I meditate and do positive affirmations and mindfulness exercises. I focus on being thankful and showing gratitude for every breath and the gift that is life. I focus on loving myself and trying to be a beacon of love and positivity to others wherever possible. We are Iiving in strange times and theres alot of horrible stuff happening, but I believe that love and unity can overcome anything if people can just out their differences aside. It's a blessing to be alive today and i couldn't be more thankful for what I've gone through because it's made me a stronger person, I've learned alot, but i think the most important thing I've learned is that no matter how dark life gets, no matter how impossible it might seem that it could get better, there is light at the end of the tunnel, the sun does shine after the rain, you just gotta keep moving forward and push through and never give up. l know that's alot to take in, I tried to keep it as to the point as possible without leaving out too much, but that's the gist of it.
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willi weilii Registered: 08/08/19 Posts: 2,272 |
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This reads like the plot of a movie. Man you've been through a lot. I'm not in the best position to give advice as I too in the process of getting my life on track, but I'll throw in my two cents. The key word is process. It seems despite all of that shit, you've still got your head on straight and have a healthy sense of self awareness which makes for a great start. Try to make an effort towards small incremental improvements everyday, to start to develop better, healthier habits. Physical health imo is good place to start - diet and exercise. Results will be concrete/ tangible and quite satisfying.
Obviously continue to abstain from harsh substances. Keep track of progress... Numbers of days clean, number of consecutive days of working out etc etc. You'll find the further you make it along the more you won't want to break the streak, and also the easier it'll become as it becomes habitual. It's a double edged sword. This is applicable to all other habits you'd wish to develop as well. Getting out into nature helps a lot for me to clear my mind on stressful days and maintain a level of peace when I'm feeling good. Try and look for a new and interesting hobby to dive into. I've gotten into foraging as it pairs well with being outdoors. anyways thats my two cents. best to ya man
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OTD Free Bag Fiend Registered: 01/05/15 Posts: 16,633 Loc: Niggerville, TX Last seen: 12 days, 9 hours |
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My heart goes out to you.
It seems like you are finally out of the tunnel I really have nothing to add, but just know I read it and thank you for sharing. You got nowhere but up Much love brother -------------------- "Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things."-Marvin Heemeyer š ššøš¶šŖš·, šŖ ššøš°, šŖ ššŖšµš·š¾š½ š½š»š®š®, š½š±š® š¶šøš»š® ššøš¾ š«š®šŖš½ 'š®š¶, š½š±š® š«š®š½š½š®š» š½š±š®š š«š®. š£š±š š¦š²šµšµ šš® ššøš·š®
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