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Dracultivation
Probably Imaginary



Registered: 05/19/20
Posts: 64
Loc: Mountains. High Altitude.
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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Do YOU carry a torch? 4
#26780547 - 06/24/20 10:10 PM (3 years, 7 months ago) |
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You know that one partner that just doesn't get out of your head? It doesn't matter if you think it's a good idea, bad idea, or otherwise.
I'm right there with you my friend.
TL;DR - What is your 'holding a torch' story?
I've been holding a torch for someone special to me, who I'm fairly certain just used me to get what they wanted. And the worst part? I don't even care. I'd do it all again for the moments I got to spend with them. And no other relationship even remotely has the same spark.
We started out without even the faintest idea of a relationship in our head. We were both good friends, and both in pretty healthy relationships. Then mine failed, and they hit a rough patch. In hindsight I could have taken advantage, but instead I helped them patch it up for another year or so.
When they finally broke up, we talked a lot. And often. Suddenly it seemed like we were great for each-others comfort. And out of no-where they started a long distance relationship with someone they had never even met in person.
I still supported it. I'd support them in anything after all.
When that relationship finally failed, as I somewhat expected, I was still there for them. I decided at that time to tell them, the thought of us being a thing had crossed my mind. They said the same thing.
Fast forward, and we had a hot, passionate time. Best conversations of my life, most at ease I'd been, best sex of my life (not a top reason, but still great). We became closer, as you do during these things. We took everything about eachother, good and bad. I ended up giving them a place to live for a bit, even ended up helping them pay for their motorcycle (something I always advocated for, I love the freedom of riding).
Then out of no-where. Gone. Moved out of state. No real contact. Just general 'courtesy' texts. Something about things getting too real.
I still care about them. It's been years. Still random courtesy texts from now and then, usually about the time I think I might be getting better. Enough to reset me.
I don't want to divulge details about my life, but I worked hard to share a comfortable life with someone. It's hard not to feel like I somehow failed anyway though. I know it's impossible to share all the details, factors, etc, that could have contributed. Everyone has a unique experience.
And yet, I still carry a torch. Years now. Hoping one day, maybe, they'll return.
Because I'm a retarded hopeless romantic.
Thanks for listening to me vent, basically into the void.
-------------------- I live in the middle of nowhere, where nothing grows.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Quote:
Dracultivation said: TL;DR - What is your 'holding a torch' story?
I have specifically avoided having one as an adult. It's often unavoidable as a child IMO, but disastrous and destructive to allow oneself to not get over someone as an adult.
I've seen this shit turn tough, grown men into weeping babies.
Fuck that.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Darwin23
INFJ



Registered: 10/08/10
Posts: 3,277
Loc: United States
Last seen: 1 day, 17 hours
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Two girls actually.
In 2013 I fell in love with this girl called Stormy. We were both unstable but I was waaaaay more so. She cut contact with me years ago but I still think about her. I'm happily engaged now, but Stormy still creeps into my mind often. I think I might harbor some guilt because I was so crazy and unstable. I legitimately wronged her.
The other girl is more recent. Early in my relationship with my fiancee, we were going to meet in Colombia (she's Venezuelan). She backed out and was mean through Skype the whole trip. Everyone I talked to was telling me she didn't love me and was just using me. While on the Colombia-Venezuela border I met another Venezuelan girl who was so incredibly kind. We went out once but I quickly clarified it was just as friends.
We stayed friends after that and would talk semi-regularly. My fiancee threatened to kill her and then launched a campaign to destroy her life. So yeah, she doesn't speak to me anymore either. You remember when Jaime Lannister said to Brienne "She is hateful - and so am I"? It felt like that, man. This girl wouldn't hurt a fly and I got her mixed up in a shitty situation. I still think about her often too.
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Take a look at my journal
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Enjoywho
Rags to Bitches



Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 20,880
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Darwin23]
#26832479 - 07/19/20 12:41 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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I had one girl that i've crushed on since I met her. We were always really good friends. Hooked up with her before I moved states. Used to joke that me and her would marry some day.
She's a lesbian now. 
Man she's a gorgeous girl. Were still friends and all. I would have loved to actually gotten the chance to have seriously dated her though. I think we would have fit really well together.
-------------------- "I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." "In the days of kings and queens I was a jester." "And then the great lord created bears... too many bears... shoulda really dialed back on the bears." Squidbillies "Can you start speaking words instead of your damn filthy lies!"- Louise "Bobs Burgers"
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Jewstress
Momma


Registered: 03/21/19
Posts: 5,402
Loc: everywhere.
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Enjoywho]
#26833669 - 07/20/20 05:57 AM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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My kids dad is a douche snozzle but tbh I will always carry a torch for him...
We will probably end up back together at some point too. Once enough time away has passed and we both feel we can let go of the insane past seven years.
I don't think we could ever find another person for each other, we both have attempted seeing other people but always go back to each other in the end.
IDK if it is an unhealthy codependent relationship, or if I'm just bat shit crazy and can't let go. But either way, whether we get back together or not.... no one will ever compare to him.
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😇
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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I met her here, but I was married, and now that I'm not, she is.
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the strander
Explorer



Registered: 06/16/20
Posts: 138
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Srirachi]
#26839683 - 07/23/20 01:14 AM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Dated a guy for about 9 months. When we first got to know each other we were staying at the bar until it closed talking (and neither of us is much of a night owl), not having realized how late it was and just getting caught up in conversation. To me it was an instant connection.
He was reluctant to start a relationship at first. In fact he tried to warn me off, saying he had had trouble with relationships in the past and wasn't sure what he was looking for. In hindsight I should have listened, but I really liked him and was attracted to him so I said "let's just see how things go."
We would talk almost every evening on the phone, about everything and nothing, sometimes until we were almost falling asleep. The physical relationship was very passionate and the best I've experienced. We hung out at least one day most weekends, although I was also mindful that we talked and hung out a lot, so I was supportive of him taking his alone time away from me.
It felt really easy to be with him no matter what we did, whether talking or cooking food together or just going around town together doing errands. Despite his reluctance in the beginning, he seemed to reciprocate the phone calls and making joint plans, and it seemed like he was into what we had almost as much as I was.
We were at his place listening to music and a song came on, think it was Sonic Youth. The lyrics were something like "I will always love you" although not exactly that, and since then I haven't been able to figure out what song it was. I didn't say anything, but I went over to him and gave him a long hug, because to me the song said what I felt but was too afraid to say out loud because I knew he wasn't ready to reciprocate. When the song and the hug ended, he just said "good song", which was pretty much what I expected and it didn't bother me.
The next day he went out of town to spend time with family for a few days. When he came back, he basically ghosted me, and broke up with me via text message.
I called him out on that being a pretty shitty thing to do considering the close relationship we had had for 9 months, and we ended up emailing back and forth some. I was hoping he could tell me at least some sort of explanation for what happened, but he could only say that he didn't feel love for me and thought that he should have by that point.
I still think about him a lot. It's been about a year since that happened and I haven't found anyone else that I have the same spark with. Now the bar for the kind of connection I'm looking for has been set pretty high, and who knows if I can find what I'm looking for again.
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Ethric
Registered: 03/05/16
Posts: 163
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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Yeah, still..
I fucking hate love.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Ethric]
#26839858 - 07/23/20 06:39 AM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Isn't the answer here though - for all those still 'holding on' to a lost flame - simply to 'let go'?
Anything else seems to simply be submitting to suffering, does it not?
I get it after a year or three, but any more?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Jewstress
Momma


Registered: 03/21/19
Posts: 5,402
Loc: everywhere.
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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I'm a glutton for pain.
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😇
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Jewstress
Momma


Registered: 03/21/19
Posts: 5,402
Loc: everywhere.
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Jewstress]
#26839980 - 07/23/20 08:31 AM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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I get the whole "let go" thing and move on, but honestly... every time I try to do that it just hurts more.
Doesn't intuitively feel right for my situation at least.
Who knows though, what a ride.
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😇
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Jewstress]
#26840213 - 07/23/20 10:10 AM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jewstress said: I'm a glutton for pain.
I know a bunch of people that seem to wallow in the loss of a lover for what seems very much like this reason.
I mean surely there's a (reasonable) number of years after which one must move on?
What would we suggest to someone we cared about?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Ethric
Registered: 03/05/16
Posts: 163
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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It's been 6 fucking years, it's my childhood first love. I would REALLY like to let go. It keeps getting back to me, and it's stronger every fucking time.
She's doing it intentionally. Well, at least she said she is not afraid of me anymore. Instead she said she 'feels sorry for me, that I've become who I am.' ... And it fucking hurts even more.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Ethric]
#26840319 - 07/23/20 10:49 AM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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What do you mean by 'it keeps getting back to me'?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Ethric
Registered: 03/05/16
Posts: 163
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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Thoughts and feeling keeps getting back, and I cant do shit about it.
Is there any way to get rid of 'love' completely? I dont need this feeling, I think I dont mind being alone the rest of my life. I just want my suffering to stop.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Ethric] 1
#26840367 - 07/23/20 11:08 AM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Don't worry about anything, my heart. Neither this pain is going to stay forever, nor this life. --Rumi
You can't kill love. You can't even kill it with hate. You can kill in-love, and loving, and even loveliness. You can kill them all, or numb them into dense, laden regret, but you can't kill love itself. Love is the passionate search for a truth other than your own; and once you feel it, honestly and completely, love is forever. --Gregory David Roberts
True love never goes away.
The problem so many have in our culture, IMO, when it comes to love is to understand that love only goes in one direction. Loving someone does not mean that you want them for yourself. That's not love talking. Love wants nothing in return for its existence.
Letting go of the person is the most loving thing you could do for yourself, and for them.
There comes a time where we must generate closure for ourselves, rather than live as a bitter husk of a human, does there not?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Ethric
Registered: 03/05/16
Posts: 163
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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Then I don't understand love at all, and I don't know how to love. Not a big surprise, because I have never really been or felt loved.
Sure, there are countless lifes in which I will suffer endlessly. Thanks Rumi. Tell me something I don't know.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Ethric]
#26840578 - 07/23/20 12:44 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Ethric said: Then I don't understand love at all, and I don't know how to love.
You and most other humans in our culture.
It's unfortunate that it is this way, but given the tripe about love that's rammed down our throats as we grow; also understandable.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Jewstress
Momma


Registered: 03/21/19
Posts: 5,402
Loc: everywhere.
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
Jewstress said: I'm a glutton for pain.
I know a bunch of people that seem to wallow in the loss of a lover for what seems very much like this reason.
I mean surely there's a (reasonable) number of years after which one must move on?
What would we suggest to someone we cared about?
TBH.
I try not to make suggests to people because I know I never listen to what is suggested to me.
I just try to be there and love them along the whole ride.
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😇
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Jewstress]
#26841558 - 07/23/20 09:04 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Fair enough, I love the philosophy; the world absolutely needs more good listeners and people who accept and love other people just as they are.
The question still stands though; is there a reasonable number of years after which we have to let go and move on?
Or is it OK to deny the world ones fullest presence because we are unable to let go?
I know what it is to have someone steal your heart, fully.
It's not fun when they leave with it.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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That's a question on the nature of love, isn't it? Can you not love someone anymore just because you don't want to? I don't think so. You can learn to take the pain without stumbling, and you can learn to do what's best for yourself- but, if you can just decide to not love someone, I believe you were never in love.
Still feeling the cut doesn't mean you have to be pathetic about it though. It's just one of the pains of aging imo. You get a little arthritis and some heartbreaks. Makes you wiser and more appreciative.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Srirachi] 1
#26841581 - 07/23/20 09:22 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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I don't think it's a question of love. There's a big difference between loving someone and wanting them by your side all the time isn't there?
Completely agree that if you ever fall out of love, then you weren't in love in the first place though.
And especially the 'heartbreak, arthritis and wisdom' bit.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Nonagon Infinity
Mycologist



Registered: 06/02/20
Posts: 756
Loc: Polygondwanaland
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said: is there a reasonable number of years after which we have to let go and move on?
Yes, but I also think that amount of time will differ depending on the circumstances of the relationship. Sometimes, it just hurts more than others. I can't explain why. I had one relationship that ended after three and a half years - took me only a few months before I was over it and ready to start dating again. On the other hand, I'm still hurting over a relationship that lasted for only a little over two years, and it's been almost two years since we broke up. That said, I'm not "holding a torch" for her or anything. I fully accept that it's over between me and her (maybe that's what you mean by "moving on"). Still, in a lot of ways, I don't feel like I've really moved on. I'm still in so much pain over that breakup, and it's just hard to imagine falling in love again at this point, even after spending so much time on my own. I don't feel super motivated to meet other women right now, but it's more about feeling fragile than it is about hoping that things might still work out with my ex.
I think a lot of the difference there boils down to the difference in circumstance between those two relationships. The first one was toxic, wrought with jealousy and devoid of trust. The one I'm still hurting over was loving, trusting, caring, kind - we broke up because we were heading in separate directions in our lives and, in particular, wanted different things when it came to family planning and our plans for the next five years or so. No fight, no big explosion, just two adults who love each other very much heading in very different directions. It really sucks, man 
Something you said earlier in this thread resonated with me, though: sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for someone is to let them go. It's a cliche, but it's always rang true throughout my life nonetheless. I still love the person I'm hurting over - I think I always will. Love isn't something that you can hold onto - the best way to experience it is to give it away to someone else.
I don't know how much longer I'm going to be in pain about this. I definitely notice some progress - I don't think about it nearly as often as I did when we initially broke up. It'll probably continue to bug me every once in a while until I meet someone else I feel strongly about. I believe there are a reasonable number of years before I'll really feel like I've moved on, but I couldn't tell you what that number is. For now, I just take it one day at a time, and share the love I still have leftover with everyone I can
-------------------- Nonagon Infinity Opens the Door
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endtimes
Stranger

Registered: 06/14/20
Posts: 62
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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You can call it a torch but I call it a scar.
The short story is I hurt someone really bad because I was stupid. I haven't really been able to forgive myself for it.
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Murzelpfrumpft
pet donkey in a lucid dream

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1,855
Last seen: 1 month, 27 days
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: endtimes]
#26853691 - 07/30/20 02:14 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Love is when you want the best for someone, even though it may not be you.
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: endtimes]
#26853930 - 07/30/20 04:04 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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I just want you to know that I made her so happy she forgot you.
I hope this helps.
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endtimes
Stranger

Registered: 06/14/20
Posts: 62
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Srirachi] 1
#26854113 - 07/30/20 05:54 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Well this is awkward because it wasn’t a she
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: endtimes] 1
#26854124 - 07/30/20 05:58 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Sri’s face right now upon learning the truth =
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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I'm not really gay, I just live in a small Alaskan town.
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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,323
Loc: subtropics
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Re: Do YOU carry a torch? [Re: Srirachi]
#26898935 - 08/25/20 02:49 PM (3 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Srirachi said: I just want you to know that I made her so happy she forgot you.
I hope this helps.
Quote:
endtimes said: Well this is awkward because it wasn’t a she 
Quote:
Srirachi said: I'm not really gay, I just live in a small Alaskan town. 

I still think and dream about my ex even though I'm married now and I haven't seen or heard from him since 2015, right near mothers day or Easter to be exact. I was on and off with him for 20 years, and am very glad It's completely over. I do hope he found someone who makes him happy because it certainly wasn't me, no matter how hard I tried to be what he wanted me to be. I never thought I would meet someone like I'm married to now. I thought I knew what love was until I met him.
This also has to do with where I was in life, my mindset, and some self esteem issues coupled with who knows what psych stuff. I don't know why I still dream and think about my ex sometimes. It's been less and less, and I actually forgot his B day recently and was happy about that, lol. I definitely DO NOT carry a torch, unless it's to light the fire that he's bound to in order burn him alive, lol! J/K, I wish him well because obviously we weren't good together.
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