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OfflineHypnoToad
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Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 325
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Torturous mind...
    #2677306 - 05/14/04 11:37 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I hate these evil thoughts that swirl around in my mind.They follow me everywhere.The more I resist the stronger they are.Yet it's like not scratching an itch that wont go away unless you scratch and contuinally gets worse.It seems hopeless.Suicidal thoughts flash through my mind even though I dont want to commit suicide,never have and I've never tried.My mind tells great lies of hurting myself or others.It fibs about what's lurking in the dark and it outright lies about what's going to happen tomorrow or later today.It's almost like my mind tries to convince me to do horrible things.Of course I resist such thoughts with great passion and they only get worse.Eventually after minutes,hours,days or weeks,they finally stop but something new creeps in my mind.It's a permanent downward spiral from which there is no escape.It's a black hole of despair and torture from my dark inner demons.

I also suffer from what seems to be permanent depression since some of my brain chemistry is abnormal.Some days the only relief from my inner demons is to pierce,scarify or otherwise modify my body.It seems to take away all problems for days or even weeks but sooner or later it creeps back in taunting me.It is a prison of the mind.One to which there are no walls and no doors and one from which there is no escape or relief.

I seemed to have recovered from other things like panic disorder and various phobias,insomnia,paranoia...I have come so far yet the journey to healing is getting tougher by the day...So close yet so far...In my sleep,in my thoughts,in every moment waking or sleeping...I am tortured in a fiery pit of torment and suffering...

The very things which help are the very things which can destroy me...It can only lead to a path of self destruction.

I am solitary because others do not understand my pain.I carry such burden alone.And to think all this was done at the hands of people with sick senses of humor and great cruelty...

I am the butterfly with tattered wings that is a former shell of a once great creature but now cannot fly or even glide let alone soar.

There is no greater torture than the torture of ones own mind.There is no escape from this fiery pit.

I can only hope that there are others like me somewhere who can understand.And hopefully others like me will be comforted knowing finally they are not alone.


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"There is no fire like lust, no grip like hate, no net like delusions, no river like craving."



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Invisiblequestion_for_joo
i'm left. youall can bite me
Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 1,591
Re: Torturous mind... [Re: HypnoToad]
    #2677490 - 05/14/04 12:47 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

This is about the most melodramatic post I've read on this forum. Maybe part of your problem is taking things too serious? The only one who can make yourself feel better is you.


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youi was a pig informatnt so you can go fuckyoruselfs


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OfflineHypnoToad
Stranger

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 325
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: Torturous mind... [Re: question_for_joo]
    #2677515 - 05/14/04 12:54 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Its not melodramatic.Merely an artistic way of stating how and feel and my problem rather than using boring text and language and just stating whats wrong.

I dont take anything too serious btw.Very little bothers me.However I do have a mental condition.It has nothing to do with how I want to feel or a matter of making myself feel better.lol


--------------------
"There is no fire like lust, no grip like hate, no net like delusions, no river like craving."



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Invisiblepoke smot!
floccinocci floofinator
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Registered: 01/08/03
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Re: Torturous mind... *DELETED* [Re: HypnoToad]
    #2677667 - 05/14/04 01:37 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Post deleted by poke smot!

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OfflineHypnoToad
Stranger

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 325
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: Torturous mind... [Re: poke smot!]
    #2677777 - 05/14/04 02:03 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I've taken tests for BPD in the past and have always scored extremely high for it.But doctors seems to insist its this or that disorder and then precribe meds which dont work for me so they accuse me of not wanting help or not taking the meds and I've been to a large number of doctors,counselers,psychologists and psychiatrists and most of them have opposing idea of what's wrong.

I've been put on a large number of meds over the years and not one has worked.They were given for paranoia,depression,panic disorder,social anxiety,etc.Not one did anything but give me horrible side effects.

I've slowly been improving over the years but I keep having backslides now and then sometimes very large backslides...and no one understands around me because they dont have any idea how it is to deal with the kind of torment I have to deal with and go through.(Sighs) :frown: They all think I'm bizzare or melodramatic (many people tell me I'm melodramatic) or insane or whatever else. :frown:


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"There is no fire like lust, no grip like hate, no net like delusions, no river like craving."



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OfflineFungilicious
Fungilicious
Registered: 12/15/02
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Loc: Canada
Last seen: 11 years, 10 months
Re: Torturous mind... [Re: HypnoToad]
    #2677809 - 05/14/04 02:11 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Hypno, believe it or not, you seem to be in the same mindframe as me.

everything u said there i can identify with, unfortunately.

"My mind tells great lies of hurting myself or others.It fibs about what's lurking in the dark and it outright lies about what's going to happen tomorrow or later today.It's almost like my mind tries to convince me to do horrible things"

i used to swear i was posessed by an evil deamon, now im convinced its some type of ego problem...


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OfflineHypnoToad
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Registered: 05/08/04
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Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: Torturous mind... [Re: Fungilicious]
    #2677851 - 05/14/04 02:19 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

"i used to swear i was posessed by an evil deamon, now im convinced its some type of ego problem... "

I know that feeling all too well.When I confided in friends of mine who were ministers at a church they tried to convinced me that I was posessed by something evil.They even tried to exorcise me.Damn religious fanatical nuts.I was much younger then.Now I really realize how nuts they were/are. lmao


--------------------
"There is no fire like lust, no grip like hate, no net like delusions, no river like craving."



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Offline0xYg3n
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Re: Torturous mind... [Re: HypnoToad]
    #2683605 - 05/15/04 09:18 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Some days the only relief from my inner demons is to pierce,scarify or otherwise modify my body.




reminds me of some tatoo shows i've watched, and that's what some people described too.


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Torturous mind... [Re: HypnoToad]
    #2683680 - 05/15/04 09:37 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

HypnoToad said:
"i used to swear i was posessed by an evil deamon, now im convinced its some type of ego problem... "

I know that feeling all too well.When I confided in friends of mine who were ministers at a church they tried to convinced me that I was posessed by something evil.They even tried to exorcise me.Damn religious fanatical nuts.I was much younger then.Now I really realize how nuts they were/are. lmao




I really identify with what you wrote right there.  When I was younger, my parents found out that I was a self-injurer and told their paster, who told them that I might be possessed.  My mother told me he said that, and it really screwed with my mind for awhile as an impressionable teenager.  I even had lay-on-hands done to me by church-goers who meant well, but really it was awful.  It took a long time for me to realize that my thoughts and actions are MINE, not the will of some dumb demon.  What a fucked up thing to say to someone.  That pisses me off. 

Anyway, I've been diagnosed with both bipolar and borderline (along with some others) in the past, but feel that I've transcended those labels.  I struggle alot sometimes, especially with urges to hurt myself, but each day gets better for me.  I agree that for me it is most likely an ego problem. 

My only suggestion would be to just try and stay positive.  Eradicate everything that causes you negativity from your life.  If the negative comes into your mind, have the strength to find the positive instead.  Some days I find I cling desperately to the positive in my life, but it definately helps my overall mindset.  It takes courage to move away from the darkness of your mind, because the darkness convinces you that it is a comfortable place to be.  But it isn't at all, and if you put effort into nurturing the positive within you, I think you will start being a more positive person, mentally and spiritually. 

Good luck, sorry you had to go through all that with your minister friends.  :heart:


*me*


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Offlinesoylent_green
The greatEnitsuj
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Registered: 12/11/02
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Re: Torturous mind... [Re: question_for_joo]
    #2683758 - 05/15/04 10:02 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

i was just going to write a new thread, but you said it all for me.
i'm glad we are not alone.
personaly i was thinking of trying thoses flower extracks they were talking about in another thread..i'm too poor to see a shrink, and i'm not ready to join the prozak generation just yet. i hope you figure out a way to beet it. let me know if you do
*hug*


--------------------
What fun is it in Nirvana while other beings are suffering?


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OfflineHypnoToad
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Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 325
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: Torturous mind... [Re: soylent_green]
    #2684301 - 05/16/04 12:19 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I'd say the flower extracts couldnt hurt to try.Its worth a shot.As far as shrinks I have seen too many to even remember half their names.All they did was accuse me of this or that or said I was making it up or that I had this or that disorder just because I didnt fit neatly into some preconceived idea and they decided to just label me by cramming me into a predetermined slot.I have also seen just about every psychiatrist,psychologist,doctor and neuro-chiropractor in this area.None of it helped one bit.I have been on meds after meds because the doctors insisted it would help.Nothing helped it either gave me nasty side effects or made my problems worse.Finally they all just gave up saying I didnt want help for this or that reason and now I suffer all alone because no one who doesnt have these problems is willing to even try to understand.For some reason in society today its easier to throw someone aside than try to understand or be there for them.When I said that the very things that help me are the very things that will destroy I was reffering to a specific thing which I find helps my condition temporarily.I wont mention it here though.

As far as prozac, if you care about your mind,dont ever take it.It will only screw with your mind.If you ever need someone to talk to,I'm always here to listen.Even if I'm not very good at conversation sometimes.lol

Btw soylent green is an awesome movie and kompressor is awesome.


--------------------
"There is no fire like lust, no grip like hate, no net like delusions, no river like craving."



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Invisiblepoke smot!
floccinocci floofinator
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Registered: 01/08/03
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Re: Torturous mind... *DELETED* [Re: HypnoToad]
    #2685374 - 05/16/04 04:13 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

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OfflineHypnoToad
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Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 325
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: Torturous mind... [Re: poke smot!]
    #2685870 - 05/16/04 10:21 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

"As for recreational drugs, they may temporarily relieve the dysphoria but in the end they make the mood swings worse. At least that is from my observation."

Oh yeah.I just went through a bad example of this the friday.Using put me into a state I only remember from before any of this started.I felt great.I had nothing but happiness and positive thoughts and I wanted to just have fun and enjoy and appreciate every little thing around me at the time.(I was outdoors.)I loved feeling that good.But the next day,I felt so horribly horribly depressed and suicidal.I felt so down no matter what I did.I felt like I was worthless and that I could do nothing worthwile or even positive.It was a really emotional painful day.But today Im somewhere in the neutral range.

I've noticed for me the ups and downs come in waves sometimes.I'll feel good for a few days or a week but then I'll feel equally horrible and depressed for a few days to a week.Sometimes the waves can go in a couple hours.Or sometimes I negative comment directed at me can ruin my day or even the rest of the week.Or it can make me feel like life isnt worth living in my mind.Which then brings on the incessant suicidal images/fantasies in my head when I dont want to think about it.Its like sometimes I feel like suicide will take me from this vicious cycle of pain but yet I dont want to and its my mind trying to convince me to.

What really hurts me is the the people close to me don't understand and they think that I'm being moody or negative for no reasons and they feel hurt which makes me feel even more down and negative and sometimes what really hurts is when they say how hard it is living with me and how I'm such a burden.Those are the days I spend crying because it hurts so much inside.Then on top of it I have people making fun of me for crying. :frown:

THe majority of the days I try to stay as neutral as possible if I cant be positive and happy.Alot of days I'm in a neutral mood.Just being.But one bad comment or action towards me often tips the scales severely in the worng direction.And people dont understand and give me the "You're so melodramatic." or "You just want attention." or numerous other insensitive remarks.I dont have friends because they can't deal with me frankly.They dont know how to respond to me and they think it's weird how I am.They get scared off by my mood swings and how I feel sometimes because they think i'm crazy or just really weird.

My hobbies bring me joy or at the least prevent me from being negative.I really enjoy gardening as well as martial arts.These are probably my two favorite hobbies.Others are fun in varying degrees depending on the mood I'm in but gardening and martial arts cheer me up or keep me at least neutral no matter what.However many people see my martial arts practice in a negative light because they think martial arts promotes violence which is absurd.


The emotions I hate worst isthe anxiety...I dont like being nervous and afraid.When its at its worst I have trouble sleeping because I feel like things are coming for me.Like they're out to kill or hurt me.Some nights I cant close my eyes becuase I'm too afraid to.Those are the nights that after a couple hours of the incessants thoughts I just shut my eyes tight hoping my mind is wrong once again and its sometimes the nardest thing in the world to do.It's way too easy to indulge in the fear feeding.Its like an itch of the mind that one cannot scratch.If you scratch it it gets worse.If you dont scratch it it still gets worse.(sighs) The pain will be life long and its a burden I will gladly carry because I am meant to.Its this negative state that fuelsme to push my mind farther and farther in search of peace and enlightenment...it pushes me to develop spirituality in such a deep way.It pushes me to find things deep within.While I would love to be normal and without such mental anguish there are advantages to being this way.I have developed such a deep understanding of the world and the universe and how it all works and a deep understanding of spirituality and so many wonderful things that few others get to see or know because of how I am.I truly feel nothing is done without purpose.But nonetheless sometimes I want this lesson to be done.lmao


--------------------
"There is no fire like lust, no grip like hate, no net like delusions, no river like craving."



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OfflineMindspin420
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Registered: 02/28/08
Posts: 105
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: Torturous mind... [Re: HypnoToad]
    #8096654 - 03/03/08 10:40 AM (8 years, 9 months ago)

Stay as close as you can too the things that give you positive vibes, maybe your in a area ,be it house, family settings or literal location. Just as long as things that give you positive vibes arent materialistic and your not quick to jump too conclusions. which you dont seem you are.
Im trying to get the fuck out of the area im in. This place has major fluctuations in weather and it seems to make everyone in this area self centered and anti-social as hell.
Where as in warmer climates you have much generally laid back people. the things you say remind me all to well of a girlfriend i had in the past, especially your signature.


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OfflineMindspin420
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Registered: 02/28/08
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Re: Torturous mind... [Re: Mindspin420]
    #8096672 - 03/03/08 10:46 AM (8 years, 9 months ago)

you could hypersensitive to the negativity of your area, or maybe even the world today, which wouldnt surprise me considering the shit hummanity is in today.


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
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Re: Torturous mind... [Re: Mindspin420]
    #8096771 - 03/03/08 11:40 AM (8 years, 9 months ago)

You are very brave, Hypnotoad. I strongly sympathize with people with people who have to go through such deep suffering, and this suffering will make you a deeper person when it's through. I wish there was some way I could be there for you in the physical and help you.. just know that you will make it through this and you are not defined by the state you are in now, this is NOT something permanent


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Invisiblezorbman
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Re: Torturous mind... [Re: HypnoToad]
    #8097159 - 03/03/08 01:38 PM (8 years, 9 months ago)

The more I resist the stronger they are.

Seems paradoxical eh?

I think you are onto something there and should develop that line of reasoning a little further. Here, I'll help you get started..First of all, everyone has bad thoughts. The difference is how they react to those thoughts. You attract whatever you put energy into. It is like thoughts are passing overhead all the time. Good ones and bad ones. You can choose to let them fly by, fading into the distance, without attachment or put energy into them which pulls them into orbit around you. Now you own them. Over time they may own you.

When you react so strongly to negative thoughts you are actually feeding them.

Don't feed them. Starve them.

I am not a religious person and don't normally quote the Bible but there is a good line in there:

Resist not evil.

Think about it..


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“The crisis takes a much longer time coming than you think, and then it happens much faster than you would have thought.”  -- Rudiger Dornbusch


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Offlinemistadobalina
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Registered: 03/03/08
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Last seen: 7 years, 9 months
Re: Torturous mind... [Re: zorbman]
    #8097801 - 03/03/08 04:07 PM (8 years, 9 months ago)

yea i used to feel as if i had to fight the inner demons, its a losing battle, save yourself now and just trust and bet on yourself, give in to positivity, it might be that your just scared to jump off the diving board into the pool of positivity and letting go of those inner demons. Maturity helps with this. good luck


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OfflineJoseLibrado
return


Registered: 04/21/07
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Re: Torturous mind... [Re: mistadobalina]
    #8098925 - 03/03/08 08:23 PM (8 years, 9 months ago)

This is quite a wonderful post. It excites me and defies me positivity,depending on one thing; If my frame of mind is set in a way that allows me to see my anxiety as a challenge and not just a problem.

I have the hardest time somtimes with the thoughts in my head and i am convinced there is a ghost following me giving me negative energy , either thought or emotional. Sometimes its as simple as saying NO!

Other times you can get into a chain of thoughts from experiences that lead you down that dead end crap cycle.

I think one thing that has helped me alot was reducing electro magnetic pollution in my house; ie/ WI-FI, cordless fones. Also buying some Orgonite, or making some really gives you that edge. There is alot of speculation out there that those wierd cell phone towers that keep going up all over are capable of bringing thoughts into your head through electro-magnetic fields. Dont believe me tho, research it yourself. I bought recently some ORGONE and it helped me have a clearer head and fend off those ghosts, keeping my thinking consistent and more in line.

Try to think with colors or associate a thought that gives you clarity and truth, to a color and just bring it up in your head when you feel like your mind is spinning out.

The most important thing i could say about those thoughts that you see as violent, suicidal or perverted, is to see that they are really just thoughts and not violent perverted or suicidal, like our culture has made us believe. When you are successful with this - and no matter how bad it seems and futile your attempts, you will succeed in this - you will express the emotion as a vivid thought in your head, live the thought and feeling, without fear of falling into them, allowing you to simply say "Oh i had a feeling to do that? Oh well"

Its funny actually because i have perverted sexual thoughts of constantly wanting to stick things up my ass, arse and anus. hahahha Look at that haha. Or like i want to grab things and wipe my ass with it, like some bag of food or a doorknob. Other thoughts i get would be, violent kicking people thoughts....even when i am hugging someone i am really close too. i get this urge starting in the limb i want to hurl at someone. LMAO, i used to actually give those thoughts hatred and it makes them worse...give em attention like an innocent kid, and they will just say 'hahah made you look, made you think, made you blink, scared you' kekeke and they will skip off away.

Honestly we should set up a shroomery, get together, or sort of contact list thing where people can put their names if they want to meet other people who enjoy the shroomery in their home town.

I am willing to meet but only in a public place, for saftey reasons, though im sure most of you i could trust with all my heart not to want to inflict pain on me.:heart:

PEACE please? Fuck that im not waiting anymore. PEACE NOW!


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The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.

And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.

Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.

Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....


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OfflineDimensionX
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Re: Torturous mind... [Re: HypnoToad]
    #8099572 - 03/03/08 11:08 PM (8 years, 9 months ago)

It is possible to control your mind. You can actively change your perspective on life. Forgive yourself and decide to be happy. For every negative thought, there is an opposite, go with the opposite.


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