This has been going on a long time. I stopped smoking/eating THC decades ago, the illegality didn't mesh with my lifestyle and experiences were unplesent because i would always feel awkward and unwelcome. Now that it is legal, im back at it.
But the paranoia is the number one effect for me. As it begins, i start to notice that i recognize people, but I can't remember why or from where. But i feel like they know me, or that I have some reputation among them, i begin to become aware of scenarios and posiblities where I have spoken ill of someone or how they may be connected to ex partners that may have defamed me in a grudge, i become very aware that I'm unwelcome, that theres some tight knit social construct I've stumbled into where I have somehow made myself a pariah. I will hear small segments of conversations or see gestures in my direction that bear a strong sense of malice.
My response is to pretend it,s not happening. To boldly joke, socialize, do karaoke, drink.
But it doesnt go away, it gets more surreal, people will start to sing karaoke songs that strike me as a little too on the nose about my insecurities, and i will sing songs like I beleivebin what im singing, but I feel like the message is awfully ballsy to be saying in this place, with these people.
Looking back, it was a problem ive always had, it went away when I stopped using THC. And now it's back. But it all feels real, and that not accepting that everyone hates me is cowardly. That I should just isolate myself.
I feel like i just wish somebody would come up to me and say "why are you here? What don't you get? Fuck off, go die or something you peice of shit." I feel like it would be a huge releif to know im not just paranoid. Because I used to really enjoy weed. Way more than I ever enjoyed being around a bunch of strangers, or moderately familliar aquaintences.
I guess thats it.
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