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Spaceexplorer
Stranger
Registered: 05/17/20
Posts: 9
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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0.75g of B+ chocolates. First real trip. Very emotional during & after. Feeling very irritable :(
#26696646 - 05/26/20 10:03 AM (3 years, 7 months ago) |
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First let me say that I'm extremely happy that I had my first real trip and I'm excited to "travel" again. This was one of the most important events of my life. It was beautiful and scary at the same time.
Technically this is the second time I've tripped on shrooms - the first time was many years ago and I went to bed as the visuals were picking up because I was a bit scared of what I was seeing, even though it was really fascinating. I woke up the next morning fine as if nothing happened.
Fast forward to two days ago, the trip lasted about 7.5 hours and boy, was it something.
I thought the visuals would be the defining characteristic of the experience, and as beautiful and awe-inspiring as they were, the psychological effects were the most impactful and important.
During the come up I was lying in bed staring at my ceiling. It looked like upside down coral with pinpricks of green, orange, pink and yellow colors dancing, flowing, like they do in water. Sometimes the pinpoints of colours would move as if it was following a path. It was incredible. My mouth was open in awe and I had a dopey smile on my face. I was so happy that I was experiencing this. Sometimes I could see some faces, like they were characters who were part of the experience. They weren't benevolent or evil, they just were. My girlfriend was my trip sitter and my roommate was in the house. They were both sober and don't have any experience with mushrooms. The fact that they were sober, more specifically that they weren't on the same wavelength as me, made me paranoid and anxious - obviously this is no good. I was worried about what they would think if they would see me and I got really irritated when they asked me if I was ok (but I kept it to myself during the trip).
I quickly realized that it was better if I was totally alone, or had someone who was tripping with me. But I'm a newbie and it's all a learning experience right? Now I know what I don't need during a trip.
My poor gf tried her best to make sure I was ok, buying me snacks, checking up on me but no matter what she did, I would get annoyed at her. At one point I said she was asking too many questions and she laughed and said babe, I didn't ask you that many questions. Then I said no you don't understand you need to try the shrooms and then you'll see what I mean. Then she made a joke about me being a philosopher and I got annoyed and offended and teared up because I felt SO misunderstood and I turned away from her in my bed. She then tried to cuddle with me but then I told her to go upstairs and that I wanted to be alone. I heard my roommate laugh when she told her that I kicked her out of the room so that made me even more paranoid and hurt.
I just stared at my blanket and around my room feeling like a crazy person as I tried to wipe away my tears. Eventually, she went home because she saw that I needed to be alone.
Throughout the trip, my emotions were in a constate state of flux. Up and down with no end in sight. I couldn't turn off my brain. Every detail mattered. I was noticing everything around me in my physical environment and hyper-aware of my thoughts. One thought would move to the next with no room for me to process or "breathe". At some point I told myself I just wanted it to be over because I hated that my brain was on overdrive. Like it was on fire.
From feeling like nothing mattered (me literally saying over and over and over again WE ARE NOTHING WE ARE NOTHING WE ARE NOTHING in my head and saying nonsensical things to myself that meant nothing human beings do in this world matters) to feeling pure unconditional love for everyone and everything in the world, I was emotionally exhausted by mid-trip.
There were moments where I would go to a dark place and then try my hardest to pull myself out of that place and let the light in. And it would work and I was feel joy, appreciation, happiness, peace. Then my mind would go to that dark place again. And so on and so forth. I had one foot in reality and the other in this alternate reality or wherever I was so I still retained some control.
I was questioning everything. Why is society the way it is? It's all so useless and corrupt. I felt my ego start to melt away and felt love and empathy for people I would normally dislike and things that annoyed me, like how messy my roommate can be (though I think that I will always hate that lol).
At one point I was staring at this spot on my wall that kind of looks like a face, but barely. On shrooms, however it looks like an evil demon or devil head stuck in a moving vortex/blackhole. I was looking at my hands and knuckles (which looked like a Mexican luchador with those masks) which were moving, my veins were pulsating - it was like I could almost see the flesh and blood underneath and said "nothing can stop me..." then I pointed to the demon face and said "not even you". Then I realized what I said and giggled. There were a few moments through the trip where I would just giggle and smile out of nowhere, enjoying the experience and realizing how beautiful the world is.
A few hours in my gf called me to check on me and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out. She assumed that I was ok at this point since this was a few hours in and I felt extreme irritation again that she was interfering with the experience and that she wasn't understanding me or the situation at all. I told her "what do you mean come over? I can't, I'm fucking tripping right now. It doesn't feel nice when you constantly check up on me." Logically, it's understandable because she doesn't have experience with shrooms so she didn't know not to interrupt me and that it would take so many hours. I didn't even know this! It was such a small dose and I ate before so I had no idea it would last for so many hours. She was perfectly sweet the way she said oh ok bye!, but of course being so emotional, I was mad.
When my roommate talked to me before she went to bed that amplified my irritation once again because I just wanted to be left alone in the experience.
At about 1:30am I went for a little walk outside. By this time the visuals had died down but I was noticing every detail. For example, if a car's light was flashing, my mind would say "that car's light is flashing" and I would notice it longer than I normally would.
It was great to get fresh air. At that point I was feeling really good and was so excited to share the experience with my gf. I also felt this excitement beforehand but it was such a rollercoaster ride that excitement went from sadness in no time.
I wanted to walk over to her house but thought better of it since I knew I was emotionally volatile and could get annoyed at any little thing. So I texted her instead. Everything she said back wasn't "satisfying" enough to me because she didn't understand what I was going through even though she was being supportive and curious.
AFTER THE TRIP
So unfortunately, the trip ended with me being irritated and that irritation and down mood bled into the next day and today, albeit the sadness is less intense.
I feel really bad for being so annoyed at my gf who no matter what she says about the experience, I get annoyed because she doesn't understand what I went through. It's impossible for her to know without trying shrooms first so there's no logical reason for me to be mad, but my emotions have taken over. I've apologized to her and she's doing her best and being her usual sweet self. Sometimes it's fine but others I get annoyed and really distant. It goes up and down, similar to what I was feeling on the trip, but obviously more stable because I'm sober now.
I don't think it helps that I'm probably going to get my period soon lol
I just want this emotional volatility to end. I wish the feelings of joy peace and love was what fed into the following days after the trip. But I guess every trip is different.
Next time I know not to be in a house with sober people who haven't tried shrooms before. I'll try going outside during the day too. Man, I can't imagine how beautiful nature would look on shrooms.
It's crazy that such a small dose had this big of an effect on me. Next time I'd like to do 1g of the same strain.
My gf will definitely do shrooms at some point but I think it's best for her to do it alone first (I'm afraid that we will stress each other out so I want her to know what to expect first while I'm on call for her if she needs me), and then we can share the experience together out in nature. She actually has anxiety and was depressed at some point in her life so I hope the mushrooms don't give her a horrible experience. I'm generally very stable and I went through a crazy emotional rollercoaster so I hope she doesn't experience something fucked up.
Edited by Spaceexplorer (05/26/20 10:12 AM)
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Socrateshroom
сталкер


Registered: 09/05/18
Posts: 1,840
Loc: Westworld
Last seen: 17 days, 11 hours
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Re: 0.75g of B+ chocolates. First real trip. Very emotional during & after. Feeling very irritabl... [Re: Spaceexplorer]
#26697401 - 05/26/20 04:15 PM (3 years, 7 months ago) |
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Thanks for sharing!
Sounds like you had quite a potent experience on such a low dose! Goes to show how potent these substances can really be.
Obviously the irritability came from an amalgamation of sources, many that only you can discover by communing with yourself. But one reason may have been because of the dose. When you have a firmer grasp on reality, but something is shaking that, it can be hard for the ego to let go. So it gets flustered and annoyed at everything it can, a mechanism to keep you here. I've never experienced such a feeling on doses 2.5g and above. Not that they can't happen, but at higher doses, I'm less and less tethered to my usual reality and thus my ego is less and less present.
Either way, it was great that you came away with some positive realizations, even if you didn't have an angelic afterglow. But that's just the nature of the beast.
May I suggest picking up
The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide: Safe, Therapeutic, and Sacred Journeys by James Fadiman
There are a few chapters in the book on how to be a proper sitter and how best to handle all kinds of situations. I think it could help you and your girlfriend should you want to trip sit for each other (And as you can imagine, the best method to trip sitting is being very "hands-off" and supportive. Allowing the experience to unfold in the participant and only intervening should a real need arise).
Thanks again for sharing
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Spaceexplorer
Stranger
Registered: 05/17/20
Posts: 9
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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Re: 0.75g of B+ chocolates. First real trip. Very emotional during & after. Feeling very irritabl... [Re: Socrateshroom]
#26697743 - 05/26/20 06:58 PM (3 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Socrateshroom said: Thanks for sharing!
Sounds like you had quite a potent experience on such a low dose! Goes to show how potent these substances can really be.
Obviously the irritability came from an amalgamation of sources, many that only you can discover by communing with yourself. But one reason may have been because of the dose. When you have a firmer grasp on reality, but something is shaking that, it can be hard for the ego to let go. So it gets flustered and annoyed at everything it can, a mechanism to keep you here. I've never experienced such a feeling on doses 2.5g and above. Not that they can't happen, but at higher doses, I'm less and less tethered to my usual reality and thus my ego is less and less present.
Either way, it was great that you came away with some positive realizations, even if you didn't have an angelic afterglow. But that's just the nature of the beast.
May I suggest picking up
The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide: Safe, Therapeutic, and Sacred Journeys by James Fadiman
There are a few chapters in the book on how to be a proper sitter and how best to handle all kinds of situations. I think it could help you and your girlfriend should you want to trip sit for each other (And as you can imagine, the best method to trip sitting is being very "hands-off" and supportive. Allowing the experience to unfold in the participant and only intervening should a real need arise).
Thanks again for sharing 
Thanks so much for the insight! It makes me feel better knowing that this was normal. Part of me feels like I'll never shake this irritability lol. I have a tendency to get annoyed at certain little things, but generally, I'm a chill laidback person. Maybe that has something to do with it? I'm more convinced that it was the culmination of a variety of factors as you said (gf and roomie interrupting, anxiety and paranoia related to sober people in the house, my period, small dose, etc.)
My gf is sad and upset with me with the way I've been acting but I apologized and tried my best to explain to her what I was feeling. I feel a little crazy talking about it to people who have never tried them before.
I'll check out that book!
I can't wait to take my next trip!
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Socrateshroom
сталкер


Registered: 09/05/18
Posts: 1,840
Loc: Westworld
Last seen: 17 days, 11 hours
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Re: 0.75g of B+ chocolates. First real trip. Very emotional during & after. Feeling very irritabl... [Re: Spaceexplorer]
#26697911 - 05/26/20 08:07 PM (3 years, 7 months ago) |
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Mushrooms can bring a lot to the surface, including deep rooted traumas. And sometimes, the things it bring up are not readily apparent. So you’re angry and confused or you flounder around trying to figure out what the “message” was. Maybe the experience brought your irritability to the surface so that you can examine what is causing it. Maybe you are less “chill” than you think and the mushrooms are showing you that. That sounds harsh, but I’m not saying this as a judgement of your character. We often don’t recognize our neuroses. I had anger issues in my teen years and into early adulthood as a result of childhood traumas. But I never recognized how bad it was until I was faced with the consequences of an angry outburst. Perhaps you are facing that here. You may have a rare opportunity to look at the roots of this behavior and, looking back, may find it was more prevalent than you previously thought.
Or maybe it was just a deep frustration of being unable to put the ineffable into words. And more so because those around you had no experience with which to comprehend what you’re experiencing.
And, the space of the mushroom experience and it’s possible effects on the psyche are so vast that there are endless feelings you can come away from. It’s not always a positive afterglow. Sometimes it’s mental exhaustion from the sheer scale of the experience. Sometimes it’s confusion as you are trying to make sense of what you experienced. And maybe sometimes it’s irritability at the fact that you can’t share in the knowledge of the experience with someone close to you.
Not that any of these scenarios apply to you necessarily, I just wanted to illustrate an infinitesimally small pool of possibilities.
Believe me, you’re not alone. Most who walk this path eventually experience an unbelievably wide range of emotions, after effects and types of trips. Even though I haven’t been at this for a decade or more, I’ve experienced quite a lot from my limited time with mushrooms. I’ve gone insane on a trip (luckily in a safe way, in my bed in the fetal position). I’ve communed with angels and been in the presence of dark spirits. I’ve had experiences that I simply laughed at everything. I’ve been held by pure light and beat over the head with my own inadequacies.
I’m starting to ramble but I’m sure you get the point.
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microbiome88
Acquaintance

Registered: 06/13/19
Posts: 123
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Re: 0.75g of B+ chocolates. First real trip. Very emotional during & after. Feeling very irritable :( [Re: Spaceexplorer]
#26807998 - 07/06/20 09:50 PM (3 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Spaceexplorer said: I feel really bad for being so annoyed at my gf who no matter what she says about the experience, I get annoyed because she doesn't understand what I went through. It's impossible for her to know without trying shrooms first so there's no logical reason for me to be mad, but my emotions have taken over. I've apologized to her and she's doing her best and being her usual sweet self. Sometimes it's fine but others I get annoyed and really distant. It goes up and down, similar to what I was feeling on the trip, but obviously more stable because I'm sober now.
In my first trip I scared the bejesus out of my partner. She said it was like I was possessed . I recognised that I was scaring her and distanced myself - she told me later that she cried. I was able to cuddle up to her afterwards and all was well.
Definitely recommend Psychedelic Explorers Guide as mentioned above for both you and your partner.
I am probably at the same stage of psychedelic exploration myself so I look forward to reading more of your journey
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