This may be long so i apologize, but this is a big thing for me, and im posting to get feedback and advice. So please bear with me.
A while ago, i wanted to finally do the classic 5g trip in the dark. It was quarantine, it felt like the perfect thing to do. The last time i had done shrooms, was like 4 or 4.5 grams and it ended up being "bad". i ended up knocking some things around my apartment and had a comedown where i didn't trust reality for like 20 minutes; the comedown was the bad part of the trip. it had been maybe over a month since that trip and now, i was gonna take 5g, and try and ride the trip out in the dark with no music or stimulus.
It ended up being a shit show. I was so uncomfortable the ENTIRE trip. No position was comfortable for me, the come up gave me the shakes, I had no CEV, nothing. I also have developed a fucking stupid desire to scare myself while on shrooms...which is insane I realize. But i listen to this podcast called mysterious universe, and they have really great episodes where they discuss hallucinogens and i was thinking about all the stuff that people report seeing and my mind just starts conjuring up the creepiest shit, and that made the trip really annoying and difficult to relax.
Eventually i ride out the trip, im sweating and uncomfortable and pissed that nothing happened. That i cant just lie down and go with it, like i used to in the past. I turned on the tv to distract myself from the comedown jitters, and then i had this revelation/"revelation", and i wrote all my thoughts on my phone as it was happening:
---the reason why i can’t be open to, or experience a true psychedelic and spiritual experience, one that is beyond material and physical tangible 3d real world things is BECAUSE i am not, cannot, and will not be open to said experiences in my everyday life.
the everyday and the spiritual are one and the same. true balance.
the next step is to learn how to be open in the physical world, to be receptive, and empathetic, and truly vulnerable in the physical world, then that will perhaps inform any spiritual or psychedelic experience.
take a serious break for now. a SERIOUS break. from shrooms. stop being a thrill seeker, or someone looking for something to take you out of the mundane everyday world. with respect to shrooms. you are seeking out of body experiences, and hallucinations and you are not ready. find balance in yourself, and peace at home. practice real meditation.
stop thinking mushrooms is what you need to experience---
I am obsessed with experiencing crazy shit even tho it terrifies me when i take shrooms. I love hearing anecdotes of people experiencing machine elves and jokers, or crazy entities while on shrooms and DMT. I feel like this desire/expectation is what is keeping me from truly having a meaningful experience. Ive had more crazy visual experiences when i took lower doses of shrooms, because i was just so focused on having a good time, and seeing how things looked while on shrooms. I once saw a mayan looking person in my ceiling on line 3grams. when i take the larger doses, i am expecting crazy things to happen, and im not trusting if im experiencing it right.
Like when i did the 5g, i was like, should i be sitting upright, should i be lying down, eyes closed, eyes open, what should i be thinking about etc. I just didnt know how to be, and i think that was a huge factor in preventing me from having a full experience. Im at a point now, where i want to do it again, but im not sure if what i need is a higher dose, to just completely take over me, and i cant think or rationalize, or do i need to train my self to be open. And does this training come with repeated doses or should i trust my notes that I wrote down? Thanks for sticking with this post for those who did.
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as you get more into general awareness, primarily of your body, your breath, and the space you are in, you will find that your body has different limits than other peoples' bodies, partly due to mental habits and partly due to genetics and physical habits.
the psychedelic experience is affected by this too, and frankly, for you the dose taken is too high.
Machine elves are fabrications of a different mentality, not the one you share, and it is not worth the insanity of I should this or I should that to get the machine elves. Seeking another person's experience will just make you unhappy.
if you use less drug, however, you will have less sick feeling, be able to relax better, and may begin to discover your own trip at your own pace and on your own path.
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