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The_Brown_Wizard
what?



Registered: 12/27/19
Posts: 188
Loc: Southeastern Carpathians
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I'm addicted to weed 1
#26666493 - 05/12/20 12:53 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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And it's not what you might think It's certainly not what i thought until recently
This is a looong post so if you have the patience to read everything big thanks to you
Quick recap of my life: -Absolute hell until beginning of highschool It started with some peer rejection, then a pretty traumatic experience happened (this was in kindergarden) After that I became extremely isolated and having to become part of a group was impossible for me
This made me look "weak" and "not fun" whenever I entered a new group (all stages of school, summer camps you name it) Because of this everybody was throwing shit and me and pointing fingers and fucking laughing at me all the time
I think kids usually deal with this type of stress by going outside and playing or whatever But I couldn't because there were some bullies nearby, gypsies always trying to beat you up and steal your whatever And some fucking scooby snax smoking teenagers that i was scared shitless of also lived in my area
And just like that it went from pretty bad to very bad to i can't stand this shit any longer bad I'll skip talking about a lot of childhood traumas so the post is shorter and more readable
-Highschool starts and it's just as bad if not even worse for the first year. First year I pick up smoking cigs and I start pouring alcohol down my throat Then, the second year of highschool starts and I smoked a joint. I can't say that I even felt high the first time I smoked But man after getting high for the first time I was totally hooked
Until that moment I was the "smart kid in the class", real good grades all that shit After I started smoking weed I stopped giving a fuck about school Basically all my energy went into finding weed and selling weed so I could buy more weed
I was high all the fucking time and for the first time in my life I didn't think life was hell For the first time in my life I made friends (major potheads as well, of course) And I was really open and could finally talk to people and not like i'm a robot with bad AI. I was talking like a normal human being For the first time in my life I could sleep at night
Long story short I barely finished high school, got into uni but I dropped out after 2 months Because I was not attending courses and basically was just binging weed 24/7
I was really confused about what to do with my life and I felt like a fuck-up Because I tried getting a job or something but failed So I started blaming weed and started trying to quit
I started creating some good and healthy habits and I really pushed myself But for some reason I was never able to quit. And man, let me tell you, I really pushed myself. In every way possible
2 years pass after dropping out of uni and here I am during this pandemic I took this quarantine as a means to finally do what I had to do. QUIT. WEED. About 3 weeks after quitting cold turkey most of my motivation dropped And I don't mean motivation to quit. I mean motivation to do stuff. Motivation to exercise. To study (I plan on getting back in uni). To do anything productive whatsoever And it certainly wasn't withdrawal or anything. I get 0 withdrawal from weed, I always thought it's just psychological
So I smoke a joint or two. Instantly feeling better, I instantly became productive during the next few days But a week goes by and my motivation drops again. So I smoke again. And the cycle repeated a few times Sometimes I was able to go 1 week without, sometimes 2 weeks
About a week ago I watched this joe rogan podcast with jordan peterson and what jp said at some point was that writing down all past trauma in a pretty detailed way can be very helpful in some cases And I thought what the fuck, I got nothing to do so I might as well just try it (note that I was about 1 week in no weed and had recently tripped on shrooms)
And that's what I did. After about 6-7 pages I literally started crying And I freaked out really bad. That night I stayed up from 12 to 6 in the morning just freaking out in my bed, thinking uncontrollably about past trauma Next day I was not feeling good at all. Couldn't do shit. I blamed the lack of sleep and so I tried going to bed a bit earlier thinking i won't have any problems falling asleep because of how tired I was But in that tired af state I somehow stayed up all night again just freaking out, thinking uncontrollably about bad past experiences. This time I even contemplated suicide Next day I felt like shit as you might imagine but more anxious than tired I would say
After that night something clicked inside my head. I've had bad insomnia for a long time It sometimes gets real bad when I stop smoking What happens is I would have a totally active day but when I go to sleep my brain just goes and goes and goes and I can't make it stop no matter what And what just happened was exactly that but way worse because of putting my trauma on paper previously
And I thought holy fuck it's like I have PTSD or some shit, randomly getting that fight or flight response when there's clearly nothing wrong But then I thought that it's just veterans and some few other extreme cases of abuse that really have PTSD; Clearly I don't have it, I'm a pussy for thinking I have it But all of the sudden my brain is like whoa whoa woah: Couldn't one really traumatizing event during midlife be just as bad as a fuckload of traumatizing events during childhood? I mean childhood is when our brains are forming, one bad experience during childhood is 10x worse then the same during midlife. And when you get trauma after trauma after trauma surely you could develop PTSD-like symptoms
So I go online and start doing some research on the subject and I found out there's a thing called C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) The biggest difference is that with C-PTSD you have a multitude of traumatic experiences which usually happened during childhood (C can also stand for childhood) And from what I've read the symptoms are pretty much the same, and sometimes with C-PTSD they can actually be worse than PTSD
Now I don't like the idea of self diagnosing mental illness But I read a lot on the subject and every single thing that I know about myself and this disorder is pointing to the fact that I might actually have it I found a few of those Yes/No tests online and I know that this is not the best way to know if you have a disorder ot not But I took 3 or 4 of them and answered as truthfully as possible and every time the results were saying that I am extremely likely to suffer from this disorder And I think that me suffering from this disorder makes A LOT of sense
I've always thought there's something wrong with my brain, now I'm 99% sure that C-PTSD is the name of what I am dealing with To go from 99 to 100% sure would mean to go to a psychologist in order to get diagnosed But from what I know there's a big chance they will not give a proper diagnostic And even if they do get it right and tell me I have CPTSD What next? Put me on a fuckton of pills that will surely do more harm than good? Try to talk with me about the past? That's exactly the opposite of what I should do Try to talk with me about anything else? I got who to talk with and I don't see how that would help I also don't really have money to spend on shit like this so I say pass
Anyway, after those 2 nights of continuous panic attacks I was feeling like shit And i thought that some weed could really help me out so i got some smoked some, instantly felt like life was worth living again I fell asleep extremely easily and when i woke up i smoked some more.. and guess what then... I STARTED FUCKING STUDYING. Because that weed gave me a mental break, made me feel relaxed and slightly bored. And in that relaxed boredom I thought to myself "hey, why don't I just do something?" so I did what 14 day no-weed me was absolutely unable to do. getting shit done.
I know that THC is like a wonder drug for people who suffer from PTSD and I thought well why wouldn't it work for C-PTSD as well?
I mean: -Life is hell -I discover weed, life becomes pleasant, enjoyable and I can do things anxiety prevented me from doing before -I quit weed with no problem for a few weeks but stress builds up until I go full banana mode (feels like before starting weed in the first place, but not quite as bad) -I smoke weed -> life becomes manageable again and i become productive; no more insomnia and no more anxiety/panic attacks
What happened during the last few days really opened my eyes And I think I'm ready to quit quitting weed because clearly I can't function well without it Maybe a week without is fine but any longer than that and I lose my shit
But I don't want to go back to being stoned 24/7 either Because I get lazy and can't get shit done. And moving forward is the only way to heal from my past traumas
what I want to do is try to keep a certain balance, perhaps smoking 1-2 times a week might be good enough
Sorry for the size of this post Life's fucked up and I'm confused, what do you think about it?
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Rapjack
Oat Soakin' Toker


Registered: 05/15/17
Posts: 483
Loc: Elsewhere
Last seen: 2 years, 4 months
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Dude I feel you. Used to be stoned 24/7 as well to deal with anxiety, depression and scoliosis pain but now don't require as much though still a daily smoker. I think a major factor for my habits changing was turning 24-25 and the later stages of brain development that comes with it. I'm glad you're finding answers and solutions to your struggle!
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The Mycologist
Explorer

Registered: 05/06/16
Posts: 3,024
Last seen: 13 days, 10 hours
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I think using weed to manage your life is far more safe than the other mental health drugs they use.
Im happy for you.
Personally I have realized that once I'm tuned in, the weed high will make me think of things I have been neglecting. And I find myself being productive as a result.
-------------------- "That you are here—that life exists, and identity; That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.” ― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

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jdawg333
Stranger
Registered: 08/22/18
Posts: 580
Last seen: 1 month, 6 days
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I just wanted to say within a minute of reading your post I found that your story is indistinguishable from mine.
I'm in the same place as you because although a tolerance break becomes easy after truly ridiculous binging, I have still been smoking steadily for so long that it is difficult to assess just how bad it is and how much of an effect it's had on me, but I think there are just some people like us that need to figure life out before we start trying to spice it up with drugs. I think some people get very bored or feel like they deserve drugs like that because they live a super difficult or stressful lifestyle and want to enjoy time off more, but I think people like me might just not be capable of handling a drug that can be used whenever you want, more or less. It requires a lot of responsibility to use reasonably, for sure
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,731
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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If the alternative is an antidepressant or a benzodiazepine or an opiate or an amphetamine or self harm -or unassuaged even with pro help - I’m all for someone opting to self medicate using cannabis. I’m also for sobriety with non intoxicants, but sometimes it can be a useful crutch for people for a certain amount of time, for those who cannot or will not go sober or mostly sober.
Not a magic bullet by any means, but if your your soul’s song is frozen or continually skipping and your life’s flying off the rails because of it, one has to do what one has to do to get it playing right so that it can continue playing as was meant to be. Naturally or with a substance.
If your going to use it, I’d recommend edibles. But to each there own. Also know that if you don’t want to use cannabis to suppress parts of yourself that you haven’t learned to adapt too - that there are time tested ways to becoming healthy and one’s natural whole self again. If you can go without I would. In the past 5 years I’ve used cannabis maybe on 20 occasions and it’s not a problem or on my mind like it was when I was in high school smoking every day.
The last thing I’ll add is, discernment and honesty with oneself is vital. If it’s an addiction, by the very definition it’s hindering your life more than you probably know, and it can be easy to rationalize using cannabis or any intoxicant, other people might be able to help you or help you see it - but at the end of the day your own life is all on you - your the one responsible for yourself. I prefer sobriety much more than being high all the time or most the time.
Adaptive living triumphs over maladaptive living. Find what works for you and what you can work with.
Best of luck to you.
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
Edited by The Blind Ass (05/12/20 01:40 PM)
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The_Brown_Wizard
what?



Registered: 12/27/19
Posts: 188
Loc: Southeastern Carpathians
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Thanks for the replies everyone I appreciate the positivity
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The Blind Ass said: If your going to use it, I’d recommend edibles. But to each there own. Also know that if you don’t want to use cannabis to suppress parts of yourself that you haven’t learned to adapt too - that there are time tested ways to becoming healthy and one’s natural whole self again.
The last thing I’ll add is, discernment and honesty with oneself is vital. If it’s an addiction, by the very definition it’s hindering your life more than you probably know, and it can be easy to rationalize using cannabis or any intoxicant, other people might be able to help you or help you see it - but at the end of the day your own life is all on you - your the one responsible for yourself. Adapt.
I thought about trying edibles but from what I know through eating THC the molecule gets altered in some way that makes it more potent, long lasting and "psychedelic" And I'm not sure if that altered molecule will have the same benefit for my condition as the regular THC molecule. I haven't looked into it tho so I might try it sometime.
What I do know regarding method of administration is that smoking spliffs is not the way. In my post I mentioned joints but it is spliffs that I am smoking (weed+tobacco) And this makes it incredibly hard to kick my cigarette addiction (which I believe has a great contribution to how poorly I handle stress) Everytime I tried quitting cigarettes it was all good until 1-2 weeks pass and then I smoked a spliff which led to smoking cigarettes again. I think the best thing to do would be to get myself a vaporizer (tried one before and I think they are awesome) This would also help with the money side of things since weed is very expensive in my country (and sometimes hard to find)
I really thought that perhaps what I am doing right now is rationalizing my bad habit. And for a long time I thought that I was unable to quit because I had a shitty lifestyle (mainly because of no exercise, perhaps poor diet and some other things) But to think those are the things that cause me this many problems is wrong. Because I have a pretty healthy diet (thanks to my parents) And I exercise a lot. I mean A LOT (chest, back, core, arms workouts at least 2-3 times a week and running 2 times a week). When I was young I was skinny with bad posture But now I'm ripped (i weigh about 70 kg and I'm on the lean muscular side of the spectrum) I take cold showers sometimes and I treat my body really well most of the times
I have noticed that running helps a lot with going longer without weed (first time running after a long break I literally felt stoned. extremely stoned) Also, the cigarettes are a major stress generator for me. But it's really hard to quit when I'm already having a bad time due to other reasons. I wish to quit when I'll get that vape.
But all these good things that I do for my body still aren't enough to prevent me from accumulating stress to the point of mental breakdowns They are definitely helping a great deal, but it's just not enough.
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jdawg333
Stranger
Registered: 08/22/18
Posts: 580
Last seen: 1 month, 6 days
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You may be pleasantly surprised with the effect of a proper edible. Sometimes they can make you very sleepy/pass out, but sometimes if I use a more reasonable amount it's very much so in the body but not very much in the head. It doesn't get me 'high' as much as it gives me good body feelings, almost like those weird tinges and tingles you feel in your back and shoulders coming up on acid. It can be barely noticeable, but you nonetheless feel the cannabinoids.
I think a weed 'addiction' (smoking daily) might be better described as being addicted to getting absolutely blasted. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but my reasoning is that I couldn't see marijuana becoming a problem in anyone's life if they smoked, say, one joint before bed every night then took a tolerance break when it started getting boring. IME my problem is self control, same way that I eat an entire bag of candy that I told myself I'd save over a few days.
Getting absolutely blasted as much as possible makes weed a very expensive, complicated, and detrimental habit. If your body isn't used to constantly getting high, then I have a feeling it becomes quite cheap, simple, and might even be beneficial to smoke every few days maybe as a reward. I still have not been able to achieve this despite telling myself to many many times, though lol
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The_Brown_Wizard
what?



Registered: 12/27/19
Posts: 188
Loc: Southeastern Carpathians
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Re: I'm addicted to weed [Re: jdawg333]
#26666756 - 05/12/20 02:38 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
jdawg333 said: You may be pleasantly surprised with the effect of a proper edible. Sometimes they can make you very sleepy/pass out, but sometimes if I use a more reasonable amount it's very much so in the body but not very much in the head. It doesn't get me 'high' as much as it gives me good body feelings, almost like those weird tinges and tingles you feel in your back and shoulders coming up on acid. It can be barely noticeable, but you nonetheless feel the cannabinoids.
I think edibles are a great way to get various molecules in one's body, but I think it might not help as much as smoking/vaporizing the herb with my condition Because from my understanding the molecule that helps with PTSD is THC, because THC lowers amygdala activity and ups the prefrontal whatever (I'm not a medic) And brain scans of PTSD brains show very increased amygdala activity and lower prefrontal whatever (I really forgot the name for that part of the brain) Basically weed makes your brain do the opposite thing the brain does when suffering from PTSD
Quote:
jdawg333 said: I think a weed 'addiction' (smoking daily) might be better described as being addicted to getting absolutely blasted. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but my reasoning is that I couldn't see marijuana becoming a problem in anyone's life if they smoked, say, one joint before bed every night then took a tolerance break when it started getting boring. IME my problem is self control, same way that I eat an entire bag of candy that I told myself I'd save over a few days.
I don't see my addiction as in "My life was good, smoked weed, god addicted, now my life sucks if I quit" I think I have a pretty serious mental disorder and THC just so happens to be extremely helpful with it And the only reason why I didn't give up on life entirely years ago was because it just so happens that I stumbled across this very popular drug.
When I say I am addicted to it I mean I can't function properly without it. As much as I love the high, I don't think me smoking the herb is about getting high and wasting time anymore. I think it's about making some part of my brain shut the fuck up so I can actually do productive stuff
I can totally relate to the self control part, it's just so fucking hard to resist the urge of smoking the whole bag of weed in one or two days when it's supposed to last 1-2 weeks But I think that what made me binge so much was the fact that I would constantly try to quit smoking And after 1-2 weeks of no smoking when I decided that I can't take it anymore it always ends with binging I think that I might be able to keep a balance if I start smoking regularly instead of cycling through periods of not using at all and periods of relapsing by binging it EDIT: because that stressed out state that I end up in led me to binge not just weed but video games, alcohol, cigarettes, pretty much everything substance abuse is a pretty common symptom of C-PTSD and I think that if I just start using weed regularly I wouldn't have problems with abusing it or other stuff anymore
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,731
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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The only thing that helped me to quit any substances that weren’t good for me or I had a problem with and stay that way without going crazy is
0) Me & Family 1) Buddha Dharma 2) Running 3) Fungi
Everything else I either fought, or was too young or spoiled to do for my own good for whatever reason - or just didn’t work or made it worse.
That’s just me though, like I said, to each their own in regards to this kind of subject matter.
Take care!
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
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The_Brown_Wizard
what?



Registered: 12/27/19
Posts: 188
Loc: Southeastern Carpathians
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I'd also like to talk a bit about how I think mushrooms could help with not only dealing with post trauma stress but perhaps healing it as well This is just me connecting some dots but these lines I've drawn make an awful lot of sense to me
I've had a few experiences with psilocybin but I'd only like to talk about 2 of them #1 was in a very good set and setting, medium dose (around 2g) and I smoked herb throughout the experience and had smoked a lot the days preceding the trip After it ended I felt like it healed me, I had an insanely positive outlook on life #2 was about a week ago, during quarantine. Bad set and setting (I was stuck inside but I did go outside for a quick walk at some point), small dose (around 0.5g) and I had no weed and haven't smoked in a while At the end of this trip I felt very anxious and scared; It somehow felt like it did more damage than good
Weed makes PTSD patients chill the fuck out and have a positive outlook on life (at least in the moment)
Psilocybin as far as I know triggers neurogenesis (helps the brain develop greatly). This has been shown to be so powerful that it could heal brain related vision/hearing loss Microdosing has been shown to be much much more effective regarding neurogenesis (i think i might be misspelling) than taking regular doses
So I think that taking the two together (microdosing shrooms, not regular doses) might help people who suffer from post trauma stress to make new positive connections in their brain While if you take psilocybin by itself in a place that triggers all these things in a post trauma brain it will backfire, potentially "re-traumatizing" and making healing harder
I'm really looking forward to getting blasted out of reality on mushrooms and weed sometime soon to see how it affects me I'll make sure to post a trip report when I do that
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BreakingBricks
Stranger


Registered: 05/06/20
Posts: 41
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
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Good edibles in the right dose are great. Calmer, longer lasting and less of a headf**k.
There's also shroom microdosing. Research is showing it to be effective in treating PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and similar conditions.
I gave up daily weed use 20 years ago and it didn't work out too well for me, because a few months after jumping off weed I landed on smack. If you want to know how bad life can get as an adult, try a 5 year heroin binge! Lost my wife, house, cars, motorcycles, all my guitars, basses and amps, business, friends, family, even my dog - I lost the lot so yeah, if weed works, stick to it. I probably should have.
My brother sure as hell should have, he's dead now, overdosed in 2015. I always wonder if it was intentional. Thankfully I sorted my shit out and have the mortgage, (new) wife, (even newer) kid, dog, cars and most importantly, guitars again! "Things" aren't a measure for a happy life, but I'm on the happy life path anyway.
TLDR; There's worse things than smoking or eating some grass.
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,731
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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Only if they’re ready and able to put themselves on the line. Takes bravery and strength to face trauma head on without filters and possibly even hallucinogenic distortion of the things they fear at times. Since a trip isn’t guaranteed one way or the other.. If one understands it’s only their own mind that can be expressed in a solo trip through and through with 100% confidence and no doubt in that fact - just like how dreams are an expression of ones own stuff and nature - they are safer, if not, nothing’s guaranteed, hell nothing’s guaranteed one way or the other. But sometimes.. It’s just what the doctor ordered, like magic on a sense.
All I’m saying is, don’t be an idiot. One can forget in a trip just like in a dream and essentially become their own torturer if not carefully aware. Same goes for our everyday state of mind. It’s just harder to notice in everyday life though.
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
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The_Brown_Wizard
what?



Registered: 12/27/19
Posts: 188
Loc: Southeastern Carpathians
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Quote:
The Blind Ass said: The only thing that helped me to quit any substances that weren’t good for me or I had a problem with and stay that way without going crazy is
0) Me & Family 1) Buddha Dharma 2) Running 3) Fungi
0) I've heard a lot about the healing powers of being with family. Unfortunately, as much as I love them, I'm not having a good time when being with them Especially with my father. He's a functional alcoholic and I had a lot of fights with him when I was younger I think he's a stress trigger for me simply because of all the yelling he has done while being piss drunk
1 and 2 are really great and I've found both of them to be really helpful 3 I just made a post about mushrooms earlier soo yeah
I really appreciate everyone for being here reading all this stuff Thank you all again!
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There's a weird fuck lurking in these woods
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The_Brown_Wizard
what?



Registered: 12/27/19
Posts: 188
Loc: Southeastern Carpathians
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Quote:
The Blind Ass said: Only if they’re ready and able to put themselves on the line. Takes bravery and strength to face trauma head on without filters and possibly even hallucinogenic distortion of the things they fear at times. Since a trip isn’t guaranteed one way or the other.. If one understands it’s only their own mind that can be expressed in a solo trip through and through with 100% confidence and no doubt in that fact - just like how dreams are an expression of ones own stuff and nature - they are safer, if not, nothing’s guaranteed, he’ll nothing’s guaranteed one way or the other. All I’m saying is, don’t be an idiot. 
For sure man
Last time I tripped I was really looking for a "solution" to all my problems But I did realize that no substance will do for me what I have to do myself They might only help with that
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There's a weird fuck lurking in these woods
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InfiniteDreams


Registered: 10/25/19
Posts: 1,224
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Quote:
The_Brown_Wizard said:
Quote:
The Blind Ass said: The only thing that helped me to quit any substances that weren’t good for me or I had a problem with and stay that way without going crazy is
0) Me & Family 1) Buddha Dharma 2) Running 3) Fungi
0) I've heard a lot about the healing powers of being with family. Unfortunately, as much as I love them, I'm not having a good time when being with them Especially with my father. He's a functional alcoholic and I had a lot of fights with him when I was younger I think he's a stress trigger for me simply because of all the yelling he has done while being piss drunk
1 and 2 are really great and I've found both of them to be really helpful 3 I just made a post about mushrooms earlier soo yeah
I really appreciate everyone for being here reading all this stuff Thank you all again!
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alephdog
Protégé


Registered: 05/03/20
Posts: 62
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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Trip a little bit, find a purpose. One day you will quit. But if you don't have respect and recognize the danger, one day you will jump back on again. I definitely think it's more addictive for some people than caffeine, but it's all in how you view it.
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