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OTD Free Bag Fiend Registered: 01/05/15 Posts: 16,633 Loc: Niggerville, TX Last seen: 12 days, 10 hours |
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A few weeks ago I had a really rough trip.
The details of it are startling and there is a shocking twist that is somewhat surprising. I will be reaching it later. I don't know for how long I will write, but I know there are parts too important to leave a TL:DR. So read it all if you have the patience. I greatly desire others input on this puzzling situation, especially from a spiritual perspective. The trip first. I'll start with five days before the trip. I decided I would go on a week long fast. No food, and no liquids besides water. I don't really know what possessed me to do it, but it was something I wanted to challenge myself to do. Test my will, clear my mind. All that business. It was the longest fast I had undertaken, the most I had done prior were a few two day fasts. The days seemed to last forever... Around the third day I took a long drive out into the country to clear my head. Drives are one of the few things I enjoy. I stumbled upon a cow field that looked promising for mushrooms, that I pulled over and explored briefly before returning home. I found nothing and texted a few friends about my desire to trip, and if they couldn't help hook me up. No luck. On the fifth day, an old buddy of mine who shares an equal appreciation for long drives hit me up about hittin the road for a while. I hop in the truck and off we went. I figured I'd take him to the same town I was in a few days earlier as its a beautiful place, and I half thought about showing him the field. We drive around and I make a few turns and I show him. We drive a little further down the road and spot another field and low and behold we see a few shrooms from the road. I pull over and hop the gate in broad daylight in front of a house and pick two big cubensis. It was a very sketchy thing to do, and we were both a bit worried about getting caught. (my friend made an interesting point that our sketchy, negative attitude toward obtaining these mushrooms may have left some resisidual energy that could have effected my trip badly) We drive back to the original field I had found, and look around a bit, and I find two more. 3 big, thick cubensis, and 1 little one in total, that bruised furiously blue. He wanted to trip with me, but we both had plans that day that would force us to wait. I selfishly tell him I will take them home, and think about making a tea with half of them to get the most out of them and give him the rest after drying them. A lie, as I would end up consuming all four. I didn't really have any desire to give him any. I greedily wanted to trip hard, and on my own. I drop him off and get home and wait until the late evening to consume them all fresh. No tea. I would break my week long fast at five days with psilocybin mushrooms. I burned a few bay leaves for some reason, and listen to some pleasant music and half assed asked the mushroom to "show me what I need". Half assed because deep down, I just wanted to get high. The respect, I feel, wasn't truly there. I munched them all down, and walked a half mile round my neighborhood, and return home to sit under a tree in the back yard. They come on fast and strong. I am in the throws of a powerful trip within minutes. I felt very inebriated physically, staggering as if drunk. The first half of the trip was very pleasant, although plagued with nausea. I felt the need to vomit a few times, but calmed myself enough to retain the contents of my stomach. (looking back I feel I probably should have just went ahead and puked) I ended up making a fire in a chiminea and calling another old friend on the phone and having a laughter filled, insightful conversation. Toward the end of the phone call, I got a very strange, negative kind of a feeling, and decided to end the phone call. I grew tired of the fire and went inside to take a shower. I lost a bit of time between being by the fire, and getting in the shower, but next thing I know, I "come to" laying in the shower with a strong feeling of anxiety. I abruptly turn off the shower and attempt to dry off and go to my bedroom. A seemingly simple task that took forever and was stressful to say the least. I couldn't function. Do I grab this towel? Do I turn off the light before exiting the bathroom? Where are my clothes? I was a mess, and mentally all over the place. Anxiety increasing! Half soaked and naked I turn off the light a few times and finally exit into my room in total darkness. And suddenly I was gone! No idea where I was. Just standing in the dark. I bring myself "out of the trip" enough to realize I was in my room and needed to find the pull switch for my bedroom light in order to orient myself. This would end up being a constant theme later on, "pulling myself out of the trip". No good. I eventually find the light, gather and clothe myself after pacing cluelessly back and forth in my room for a while, then turn the lights back off and get in bed. The trip was awful. The best I can describe it is this: Imagine your life as you sit there reading this. You are looking at your screen, in your immediate surroundings, your room, actively reading this. But at the same time, you know there are more rooms outside your door, and beyond your house the outside, where you might have a car, or neighbors, and so on. You know where you're at. This wasn't the case for me. My immediate surroundings was all that existed, and I didn't know where that was. Looking out the window was like looking at a television screen of an unknown, lonely landscape. My four sheetrock walls were a cage. I would tell myself, pulling myself out of the trip, that "hey, you mow that yard, thats your truck outside, the living room is out that door", etc. But I would sink back into dissolution, and be stuck in that empty, lifeless hell again. I was fighting it and I knew it. But my imagination or ego or what have you, was running rampant. Sheer terror gripped me, I knew if I let go I would be fine, but I just couldn't, try as I might. Trying to let go was preventing me from letting go. A seemingly rookie mistake that I just could't shake. I would do this for what felt like hours, mentally back and forth between total annihilation of all I knew, and reassuring myself that, "you know where you're at, chill the fuck out". At one point, in the grip of this terror I look at my handgun on the side of my bed on the nightstand and think, "you gotta kill yourself, thats the only solution. You've broken yourself and theres no returning, no escape. Nothing will be normal and you're on the edge of death as it is." A fleeting mental image on me blowing a wad of lead through my head and violently spreading my brains and blood against the floor and wall flashed across my mind. One last act to put me where I needed to be. I sit up in a fit of exasperation at the thought. "Goddamn, get a hold of yourself, you're just tripping!" I force air into my lungs and get a hold of my racing mind. The fact that I even saw that as a viable option and contemplated it, wanted it, was terrifying. When I sat up, I felt as if the world suddenly expanded, like from the left and right of me stretched on forever into nothing. I was living when I could very easily not have been, I was on borrowed, blessed time. Sitting up so quickly made me sick, and I rushed to the toilet. I hurled all over the bowl three good times. Little brown, veiny flakes of mushroom mixed with water swirled in the porcelain. I clutched the bowl and stared at it, mind still blown. I drink water and get back into bed. I remember how sweetly disgusting that water tasted after having my stomach acids in my mouth. It was the strongest flavor I've had in my mouth in days. I just prayed for the sun to come up. Everything will be fine in the light. The mental back and forth continued for a long while. A mental image of a clump of cubensis among some grass in a beautiful field kept appearing on my mind. It was hideous. The word "seething" kept coming to me. "Seething". Like the rattle of a rattle snake. Anger, poison. It was horrid. I had enough and attempted to distract myself from it with youtube videos, and reading through this forum. A struggling ordeal, that left me exhausted, but I was coming down finally and eventually drifted off to sleep. I woke up with no afterglow like previous trips. The magic was gone. There was no insightful revelation, no newfound direction in life. No stony, poignant beauty to view the world through. Just this overwhelming feeling of mistake. I felt utterly normal, as if the night before was just a bad dream. I could hardly recall any of the intense feelings I had had on the day after. Even as I write this now its hard to remember. I share this difficult experience with a few friends and they find it shocking. My friend I had taken the drive and found the shrooms with has a very insightful view of it. His opinion is that in that moment of weakness, contemplating ending my life, the only reason I had strength enough to refuse it so strongly was because I had fasted for so long. The fact that I really have no particular reason why I wanted to fast in the first place, and so suddenly, he attributes to some fatalistic divine intervention, that provided me the willpower to overcome that. Something wanted me to have that strength. I find it a very interesting and valid perspective. I really don't know. I know now looking back, that I have two frames of thought when it comes to using these mind expanding apparatuses. Using them to selfishly get high, just to feel good, and using them as tools to grow as a person. I have a very long relationship with cannabis, and for much of it, treated it in much the same way as alcohol. As I grew with it, I happened upon other perspectives, and how to use it as a tool for becoming, and not just a way of partying. I have had very profound and flourishing experiences on both cannabis and later on, psilocybin, that helped me to develop as a person. I see now that I had no real need for using this medicine. I had no questions to be answered. I sought no real insight. I'm fine and need to do my growing outside of that state. I couldn't help but feel I had been punished for simply seeking to get blitzed out of my gourd, instead of treating it with the respect it deserved. "you wanna get high motherfucker?? I'll get you high!" Here's where it gets strange though. My neighbors across the street have a daughter who lives with them. She is a single mother, and has one child. She was dating a guy who would visit their home often. I have never spoken to them, but my sister kept up with them on social media, and would keep me up to date on what was going down with them. A few weeks prior to my trip he suddenly killed himself after getting her pregnant. No one knew a motive. The shitty thing is, I felt nothing. I even made an insensitive joke about him not parking in the street behind my driveway anymore, I laughed about it. I was playing poker with some friends here a few days ago, a good while after my trip, and there was a strange young man there. Turns out this young guy was good friends with the guy who killed himself. He told my friends before my arrival who later told me that the reason he killed himself was because he had eaten some mushrooms with some of his friends and began having a bad trip and ran home to get his gun to kill himself. He was a happy guy with his whole life ahead of him, and took his own life in the throws of a bad trip. I was dumbfounded, the feeling I had the night after I sat up after having that very same consideration came flooding back to me. The world expanded infinitely away from me. He did it. What I nearly did. The coincidence was uncanny, and I feel there is simply no way that what happened with me isn't related to the unfortunate circumstances of his death. How I responded to it, the fact that he we shared a space, arguably a life together, albeit from a distance. Its just too much. I have no words. That blank, empty action that resonates into oblivion, of him squeezing the trigger on himself in that state is something that none of us will ever know. But I feel like I came very close. I came very close for a reason. My heart and sympathy goes out to him and those he left behind. I feel absolutely terrible for the way I responded to his suicide before knowing the circumstances. The fact that only now do I feel anything seems almost more insulting. I should never have said those things or felt that way about any human being. Words fail me in my disgust. If you've read through this, I appreciate it. I needed to write this. Even though it is long, it doesn't seem to do it justice. Doesn't seem to describe any of it worth a damn. just needed to write it... Any commentary on the situation is welcome, and I will gladly correct or give more details if needed. -------------------- "Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things."-Marvin Heemeyer 𝓐 𝔀𝓸𝓶𝓪𝓷, 𝓪 𝓭𝓸𝓰, 𝓪 𝔀𝓪𝓵𝓷𝓾𝓽 𝓽𝓻𝓮𝓮, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓽 '𝓮𝓶, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓫𝓮. 𝓣𝓱𝔂 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓑𝓮 𝓓𝓸𝓷𝓮
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Registered: 08/09/19 Posts: 1,936 Loc: North EU Last seen: 4 days, 13 hours |
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Interesting read. Thanks for sharing. I could really get a sense of the despair and heaviness of your experience or experiences with that neighbor's boyfriend killing himself and all. Did you get a peek or understanding of this person's life through your own troubles during the trip? I don't know, but sounds like you will be integrating the lessons from this trip for a long time. At first you were very disconnected from that suicide and then you experience something so similar that he went through.
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OTD Keymaster Registered: 09/26/12 Posts: 89,464 Loc: hades |
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Glad things turned out alright for you. A couple of trains of thought come to mind. There’s been talk about, but Im not sure if much experimentation has taken place in regards to sugar levels dropping rapidly and sending trips off into negative land. I’ve wondered if a few slices of honey covered toast could remedy something like that. It may not be applicable but, it could be.
There’s been a few times my mind has drifted into uncomfortable territory and it looks like you did the right thing in pulling back and not listening to what your head is telling you. It makes you wonder how things would go had you taken a double dose. To be honest that’s the reason I’ve never tripped with my girlfriend, I have my doubts on her ability to step outside herself and not let thoughts lead her into a bad spot. Anyways, I haven’t tripped much in probably years now. When I quit drinking I quit everything else besides nicotine and kratom even though I love tripping and it’s never been a problem. The gf knows I have an affinity for it and surprised me with an 1/8 for Christmas because she’s awesome like that and since it takes preparation + divine timing I didn’t take them until around February. Being that it was 1/8 I didn’t expect anything too overwhelming but, I tea’d them up, down the hatch and began the wait. I swear I went from baseline to deep in about 3 sentence length thoughts. Basicly if I was baseline at ‘holy’ I was in the trip by ‘shit’.. it came on absolutely sideways, immediate anxiety and just that self critical, trapped in life, doomed for death, this is a trainwreck, oh God get me out, bad place head space and I got those suicidal thoughts as well. Like it was the only way out. The weird thing is I felt almost a pull, pulling me to do it. Almost like I was only at 90% of having a say in the matter. I had a pistol on site so the opportunity was there, it was entirely possible to seal the deal. So I just got in bed and put on some icaros.. I had enough wherewithal to not do it but say that 1/8 was 8 grams, or 10 grams, I wonder if that 90% would have dropped at all. Clearly I wasn’t going to off myself, it’s not the first time I’ve had the thought so I can file those thoughts away fairly easily but at the same time it was really significant. Not real sure why those thoughts came up but I’ve heard Terrence McKenna talk about trips going bad and taking him to a place he called the “meat locker”... I would guess he’s talking about that same panicked realization of being stuck in this body and everything that comes with. Perhaps you’re getting older and your trips aren’t that of a “child” and they’re taking on a more mature tone. I don’t mean child condescendingly I mean you grow up and shit gets real, My advice, just take those thoughts as the ones that entered your head at that time. You don’t have to believe everything you think. As for why those popped in, I can’t really tell you why they popped into my head. I generally have a ‘life is a blessing and burden’ perception on life so maybe that kicked it off. It was pretty much out of nowhere so maybe we really are tapping into the spirit world and we channeled some assholes... cleansing and protection is a big factor in shamanism. Perhaps just looking for a buzz is a horrible reason to ingest these things. Whatever the case, glad you’re safe and if nothing else, if it ever happens again now you have some muscle memory to fall back on. Treat it like an evil spirit and demand it leaves your presence. -------------------- Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..." *Mark 15:34![]() ![]() Gam zeh ya’avor...
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irregular verb Registered: 04/08/04 Posts: 37,532 |
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could be edited and re-posted at gun sites and anti gun sites, the normalization of handguns by the NRA almost killed you.
you may have a life in politics ahead of you.
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OTD Keymaster Registered: 09/26/12 Posts: 89,464 Loc: hades |
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It would make a good read for those who are anti-drug as well.
-------------------- Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..." *Mark 15:34![]() ![]() Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Mushroom Engineer Registered: 09/04/16 Posts: 2,326 Loc: UK Last seen: 1 month, 28 days |
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Thank you for sharing. I had a very similar trip two weeks ago, but at no stage did the thought enter my head that a way out was to kill myself. My overriding thoughts were not to panic. But it is the first time I think I can remember in a trip where one of the overbearing feelings was of confusion. My wife was with me for the trip, sober, but I’m not sure whether or not that actually helped. I keep asking her what I had taken. Even when she explained you have ingested 3.5g of mushrooms (yes, this effect from only 3.5g), I just could not understand why the trip was so different. At times I believed it felt as I would imagine if you were to be injected with psilocybin directly into the blood. Same thing next day, no after glow, no revelations, just in shock at having a bad trip after years and years of poor trips, good trips, and intense trips, but never bad.
The best advice I got from here was from @BadAss I suppose if one was ever desperate enough, you could find something to harm yourself with, but I always ensure there is nothing in the house. I don’t own guns or knives, but if I did, I would ensure they were somewhere away from the house where I could not access them. Take care DJ Ed -------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna
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Friend Registered: 05/27/13 Posts: 1,161 Last seen: 12 hours, 58 minutes |
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Quote: It reminds me of my near-death trip. I posted this in the Shoomery 7years ago: This story is from a long time ago - around 1980, when I was 16 years old. It's about my one and only bad acid trip. I almost ended it all during that trip. This story isn't much about psychedelics, it's more about my fragile state of mind due to something out of my control, and a friend who may have saved my life just by telling me not to worry. My girlfriend wasn't much into drugs. I would get her high once in a while, and she'd try things like speed and quaaludes, and one time a microdot of acid but that was about it. We were in love and we had sex every chance we got. I was the big time stoner - I sold pot and acid in school, got high at least 6 times a day and tripped 2-3 times a month, more in the summer. Back then there were no shrooms to be had, it was all "microdots" of acid. They looked like the small saccharine tablets my grandpa would put in his coffee. My girlfriend would get her period like clockwork. One time, after some very horny encounters, she comes to me and she tells me her period is late. All her friends say it's normal - don't worry, but she and I are freaking out a little. What if she's pregnant? Then what? So we give it more time. She's about to go on a vacation in Florida with her family. We'll only get to speak once each day. At this time, due to some other shit that went down, we are seeing each other secretly. Her parents hated me and she was forbidden to see me or talk to me outside of school. It really sucked. So she leaves for her trip and her period still has not come, but we're not at the point of getting a pregnancy test yet. It's Saturday night and I'm with my friend and we scored some microdots of acid. The plan is to drop the acid and then ride bikes (he had a moped and I had a 10-speed bicycle) over to a kid's house who's parents are away.. and party through the night. But first I have to talk to my girlfriend - we have a phone call planned for 6pm. So now the plan is to drop the acid, I talk on the phone with her for a few minutes, then we get on the road and by the time we're at the kids house it will start to hit us. We take our acid - two microdots each. Then I sit and wait for the phone to ring. 6pm comes and goes. About 15 minutes later, she calls and we talk. She's crying. She had a big fight with her parents and then she tells me about how worried she is about the late period. It still hasn't come. The acid is starting to hit me and my mind is working overtime, thinking about the worst things. She's crying on the phone and I'm starting to get pretty emotional. Normally I'd be strong in this situation, but in this state I'm feeling just like she is. I'm choked up and crying, not knowing what to do or say. So - we finish up our phone call and decide to get on our way. I update my friend - he knows the whole situation. "I think she's pregnant" What do we do? Try to get an abortion? Do I marry her? Her parents hate me. I'm just a teenage burnout, I don't even know what I'm gonna do with my life. I was starting to trip and I was in the worst state of mind. My friend is telling me "don't worry about it.. she's not pregnant" "there's nothing you can do about it right now, so fuck it" He's been through scares like this before, but I'm well aware that he doesn't know anything more than I do. We leave my house on our bikes, tripping much more than we had planned to be at this point. The kid's house (who's parents are away) is about 4 miles away, on some long twisty roads, up and down a couple of hills. We've made this ride many times before. We had this idiotic thing we would do where he would tow me up hills (him on his moped, me on my 10-speed). We actually used a rope - tied onto the back of his moped. I would wrap it around one hand. Then I would coast downhill. So we're riding along, everything is cool. We're tripping and riding but it's okay because we've tripped a lot and we know we can handle the ride. THEN... all the thoughts start to go through my mind. I'm still all congested from crying. So here I am on a bicycle, tripping hard, going fast and thinking of how my girlfriend is pregnant and I have no future and everything is going to shit. I'm looking at the cars in the other lane and thinking how easy it would be to end it all right now. Just jerk the handle bars to the right while going down hill and crash into oncoming traffic. I'm looking down at the handlebars, feeling slight relief at how easy this will be - one move and all my problems are solved. Just like jumping off a diving board. I tried to do it but I just couldn't get myself there. In my head there was a battle going on. My crazy desire to end everything versus my survival instinct. I was really ready to do it, and I see my friend turning around looking at me. I think about him grinning and saying "don't worry, she's not pregnant". Next thing I know, I'm at the bottom of the hill and we're almost there. We get to the kid's house, go in, and I try to get through the evening. We're smoking, drinking, watching TV and blasting tunes. I'm going in and out of different moods. Once in a while I'd forget about all the shit and things would be fun, then my mind would return to my big problem and I'd be crying and depressed. And my friend with his grin and his "don't worry" attitude. He got me through that night. Looking back, he saved my life. Next day it's time for her to call. I wait by the phone, at 6pm on the dot she calls. She's happy, she's laughing, and she tells me "my period came!!". HOLY CRAP. The huge load was lifted. What a sense of relief.. and I'm thinking about how I was so close to ending it all just one day previous. We attributed her late period to some speed she was taking in the weeks leading up to this. She didn't tell me about it at the time. That experience made a huge impression on me. One thing I know for sure - I'm not suicidal. I don't have it in me. I also learned that no matter what, things will work themselves out. The most important thing I took from this whole situation is my friend's attitude. "There's nothing you can do about it right now, so fuck it". Don't work yourself up about things that are totally out of your control. It's such good advice, especially for when you're tripping and your thoughts wander into dark areas. Funny thing - thanks to Facebook, I was able to reminisce about this whole thing with my highschool girlfriend, the one with the late period. We hadn't spoken since we broke up 30 years ago. One day she found me and sent me a message. We started writing back and fourth and we're both back in each other's lives. We're both married with kids and we've fallen in love all over again but that's a topic for a different forum. Thanks for reading!
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OTD Free Bag Fiend Registered: 01/05/15 Posts: 16,633 Loc: Niggerville, TX Last seen: 12 days, 10 hours |
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Quote: Thats it. That feeling, That pull. A part of me wanted to die... Quote: No, as I said I knew nothing about the circumstances of his death and felt nothing about his suicide. He never even crossed my mind. Although in a way he certainly did, come to find out later. DJ Ed, Universe, I appreciate the responses as well. Universe, your story is equally as crazy as my own, if not more so. Glad you found your woman Quote: Solid stuff. Quote: Please DO NOT use my story or any part of it for any such purpose. The NRA did nothing. I almost killed me. The gun did nothing, as it does most the time. If it had been my buck knife or a rope sitting there, I would have thought about slashing an artery or hanging myself. The means to take my own life were just that. Do not exploit what was a fragile state for political reasons. -------------------- "Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things."-Marvin Heemeyer 𝓐 𝔀𝓸𝓶𝓪𝓷, 𝓪 𝓭𝓸𝓰, 𝓪 𝔀𝓪𝓵𝓷𝓾𝓽 𝓽𝓻𝓮𝓮, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓽 '𝓮𝓶, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓫𝓮. 𝓣𝓱𝔂 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓑𝓮 𝓓𝓸𝓷𝓮
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Bodhi Registered: 08/16/16 Posts: 26,657 Loc: The Primordial Mind |
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-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
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OTD Free Bag Fiend Registered: 01/05/15 Posts: 16,633 Loc: Niggerville, TX Last seen: 12 days, 10 hours |
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Quote:
-------------------- "Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things."-Marvin Heemeyer 𝓐 𝔀𝓸𝓶𝓪𝓷, 𝓪 𝓭𝓸𝓰, 𝓪 𝔀𝓪𝓵𝓷𝓾𝓽 𝓽𝓻𝓮𝓮, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓽 '𝓮𝓶, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓫𝓮. 𝓣𝓱𝔂 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓑𝓮 𝓓𝓸𝓷𝓮
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Registered: 08/09/19 Posts: 1,936 Loc: North EU Last seen: 4 days, 13 hours |
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I missed that part where you said you were playing poker after the trip.
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Wanderer Registered: 03/18/13 Posts: 473 |
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Damn, that’s quite a trip. I had two instances where I was contemplating suicide on psychedelics, both times on acid. Was seriously thinking about jumping out the window to end the trip both times, years apart. Scary shit. It is of my personal belief through my experiences that psychedelics, most especially mushrooms are ‘supernatural’, in that they allow you to cross into the spirit world for better or worse. Synchronicities like the guy who committed suicide did it as a result of a bad trip, and then you having a similar experience within such a short period of time is suspiciously too eerie to just be a coincidence. Although you may feel you did not learn anything from the trip, it seems to me that you learned a lot in the big picture. You just don’t realize it yet, and may take years for that to happen.
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OTD Free Bag Fiend Registered: 01/05/15 Posts: 16,633 Loc: Niggerville, TX Last seen: 12 days, 10 hours |
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Thats the word I was looking for! Synchronicity.
I definitely learned a lot in the bigger picture. I was trying to explain that during the immediate trip there was no "learning" as I had done in previous ones. And you're right, I will certainly be processing this for a long time -------------------- "Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things."-Marvin Heemeyer 𝓐 𝔀𝓸𝓶𝓪𝓷, 𝓪 𝓭𝓸𝓰, 𝓪 𝔀𝓪𝓵𝓷𝓾𝓽 𝓽𝓻𝓮𝓮, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓽 '𝓮𝓶, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓫𝓮. 𝓣𝓱𝔂 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓑𝓮 𝓓𝓸𝓷𝓮
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Stranger Registered: 02/22/18 Posts: 354 Last seen: 19 days, 16 hours |
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Post deleted by TheEschatologist
Reason for deletion: . Edited by TheEschatologist (05/10/20 10:50 AM)
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Mushroom Engineer Registered: 09/04/16 Posts: 2,326 Loc: UK Last seen: 1 month, 28 days |
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You’ve just described the time dilation effects of an intense trip perfectly, dude
I’ve had too many of these types of trip recently, for various reasons, but those seconds, minutes, even hours when you’re looking at the clock, a thousand years pass, you look back at the clock and .......F. me how long is this going to go on, just make it stop........ -------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna
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Stranger Registered: 09/29/15 Posts: 26 Loc: Susquehanna Rive Last seen: 3 years, 2 months |
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Thank you for posting your story. I believe thoughts of suicide are natural to an extent. However, having a performable plan is not normal and leads to a very dangerous moment of decision. It sounds like you came pretty close and I'm glad you made the right decision. I watched a documentary once on Golden Gate Bridge jumpers who survived and all of them recall regretting their decisions the moment they jumped.
It's pretty incredible how our body maintains homeostasis. I think in a way your subconscious aided by the mushrooms was regulating some of your negative thoughts by bringing your attention to your behavior front and center. At that moment you gave yourself a decision of correcting in a number of ways, one of which being suicide. I have had a couple of bad experiences with people...bad enough to learn not to trip with friends who I don't 110% trust. I'll gladly share my shrooms with a mixed group of folks, but I'll sit it out, smoke a joint, and watch. I've never had a situation like what you mentioned unfold, but I would absolutely stop (with force if need be) anyone who attempted to leave my sight. Bathroom is ok, but my bathroom doesn't have a lock, and I will listen . The only way to leave a trip is to ride it out.
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irregular verb Registered: 04/08/04 Posts: 37,532 |
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what ever your cultural inclination, politics, NRA affiliated or not;
not to put gun(s) into a separate locked region of your space when you invite or invoke dream challenges (such as using psychedelics or inebriants or anything shamanic) seems fundamentally disrespectful to yourself and humanity and any gods that may be observing. you want synchronicity, great, take it without the bullets.
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Mushroom Engineer Registered: 09/04/16 Posts: 2,326 Loc: UK Last seen: 1 month, 28 days |
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Quote: The wisest thing I’ve read today, ButteredBagel
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna
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Stranger than most Registered: 07/09/07 Posts: 8,241 Loc: Samsara Last seen: 2 months, 5 days |
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Man, that was a terrifying read.
I concur (as I often do) with RGV. If you must own a gun, LOCK IT UP and give the key to someone you trust off premises until well after you are sober and can demonstrate no residual psychological trauma. Fuck, man, glad you're OK.
-------------------- All submitted posts under this user name are works of pure fiction or outright lies. Any information, statement, or assertion contained therein should be considered pure unadulterated bullshit. Note well: Sorry, but I do not answer PM's unless you are a long-time trusted friend. If you have a question, ask it in the appropriate thread.
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сталкер Registered: 09/05/18 Posts: 1,840 Loc: Westworld Last seen: 17 days, 12 hours |
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Incredible read and thanks for sharing!
I've had a moment in one of my previous trips where I was stuck in a thought loop of "I'm shit I should just kill myself". But I was in the fetal position with no intention to move and my brain didn't have the processing power to escape the thought loop let alone function enough to cause myself harm. It seems that with a majority of these trips, there are a lot of negative emotions, consciously or subconsciously, that influence the experience. You pointed out yourself how you never intended to give your friend his share and just took it all yourself. I think that feeling left residual guilt that manifested during the trip. Also you spoke about how you reacted when learning of that man's suicide, a way in which you concluded after the trip was wrong. I feel that you knew that before and, again, had subconscious guilt that manifested itself in such a difficult trip. Plus, the fasting may have played a role. There are so many variables that come into play when tripping, most manifesting from the subconscious, that it's a wonder to watch all types of trips manifest. Anyway, it seems that you've learned something significant from the trip. With time I'm sure it will integrate. And ultimately, as stated above, make sure to lock up any weapons when taking such powerful substances.
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clevendafodil Registered: 08/19/12 Posts: 2,348 |
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Ive had a few trips where I felt like I was being prompted to kill myself. like the mushrooms/acid was trying to convince me it was a good move cus my life sucks and I don't belong here. like I gave it a shot but I shouldn't have come here in the first place and I'm just biding time anyways.
Tripping is really the only times I ever really consider taking myself out the game. I don't seriously consider it while sober.
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Orange clock, pencil

_ 


. The only way to leave a trip is to ride it out.
