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Offlinesabinastreasure
venti sprite
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Registered: 10/14/19
Posts: 91
Loc: NeverNeverland
Last seen: 3 months, 26 days
Could use some advice.
    #26649374 - 05/04/20 10:57 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Sorry for the wall of text, it's a complex story and I'd like to represent it accurately.
So about a year ago I met up with this girl, thing was supposed to be super casual. We'd been talking for like a year beforehand over text, I'd tried to meet up once but she told me she didn't feel ready. Late April of last year we finally hung out, and afterwards I shot her a text letting her know I'd had a lot of fun. We kept hanging out, and eventually feelings came into the mix.

Now, prior to this I'd been having a couple casual flings bc I was still getting over a relatively intense and crushing experience I'd had earlier that year. But I was feeling ready to take off the gloves for this girl bc I was really vibing with her all the time. We had a similar kind of humor and all the time we'd spent together had been golden. She was apprehensive when I brought this up, so we tabled it. But the feelings kept getting stronger, and she said she felt the same way. But she kept on seeing other people, and at this point I didn't want to see other people. She encouraged me to, but my heart wasn't in it at all and so everything I started fell apart.

At this point I would say it's relevant to add that I'm sort of a novice to committed relationships. My high school experience was a period of emotional turmoil that yielded lots of casual encounters. I'm 20 now and I've had two relationships that I wanted to take to the next level. This has been the most important one.

I kept trying. Eventually, her paranoia surrounding STDs won out and she said that she wanted to be exclusive physically. I took that as a win, she got an IUD and I was excited. A period of time goes by, all of a sudden she's talking about three-ways and bringing other people into our relationship. Part of me was intrigued, but another part of me was hurt. I hadn't reaped any of the benefits that were supposed to have come with our exclusivity. Our sex life had dropped off to almost nothing. Sometimes we would go nearly a month without it and in the downtime between she wouldn't touch me or want me to touch her. In fact, she often turned it into a big argument if I even tried. And I wasn't a dick or a perv about it, I was respectful. At this point, I felt like more of a friend but I was seriously starting to lose it for her. Throughout this whole thing we kept having fights bc we couldn't get on the same page with this.

A while after this she tells me that she had her ex over to spend the night one time, that he was in town( he lives a couple hours away) and asked her if he could come hang out. She told me that nothing had gone down, but it was at a bad time in our relationship. And she said it had happened like a month before. That planted so much doubt in me, that hasn't left my head.

Flash forward, she's convinced me to try the poly thing and I kind of denial'd my way into it. Like, 'this will be good for me' was my mantra, but it so wasn't. I started talking with this other girl who was really kind, really affectionate and caring. The hard part was that I wasn't too terribly attracted to her irl. That's not too huge a deal for me though, you'd be surprised. I'm all about the vibe. She made me feel different from girl no.1. I couldn't take it though. We tripped together this once, me and girl no.2 and I realized I didn't have space in my heart for two people to fit like that. I talked to girl no.1 about it and convinced myself to drop girl no.2 I've felt bad about it ever since. The way I see it is that I kind of led her on without truly meaning to, and then left her high and dry even though I ended it quickly.

That experience hurt me a lot. And I blamed girl no.1 for it bc she'd convinced me to go out and do it. There was a lot of resentment building between the combination of being ignored physically and that incident. No.1 never took it seriously either, because she was actually jealous.

Later on, when we hadn't had sex for two straight months, I cheated. Not gonna lie, I needed to get laid. I'd been emotionally blue-balled for months on end and I should have just broken things off with no.1. I felt a lot better though, I felt wanted for the first time in a long time. Over the next month, things actually felt better between me and no.1. We had an amazing airbnb over Valentine's day, where I'd tripped mushrooms and felt really close to her. The next week, she went through my phone one night and found out. She woke me up, had me drive her home and over the next couple of days went and fucked this 27 year old guy while we were arguing. She kind of forgave me and let me back in, but under the condition that we weren't in a relationship and she could see who she wanted. That ended up being a lot of people, ugh.

We keep hanging out, and one night we get into an argument and she says she isn't attracted to me. Shit hurt, and I said I needed a break. But I called her a couple hours later bc I missed her so bad and we hung out soon after. I'm still working through how I feel when boom, corona hits. All of a sudden she doesn't want to see anyone, but after a week she invites me over and says we can do it if it's just us seeing each other. I'm a little hesitant but I agree bc I miss her. We've been hanging since then, and the sex has been great and she's still been bitter and argumentative but I thought things were coming together. Turns out she's only really into me when I'm not into her. I was keeping my guard up a bit after her telling me she wasn't attracted to me but I've dropped it over the quarantine.

Well, tonight I'm not staying over because I'm going hiking with a friend early in the AM. But when I was leaving, she asked what I would think if she had someone else over. I said I would be frustrated, because I thought things had been getting better between us. She told me that she thought we were on the same page, which was that we would see whoever we wanted. I'm just so tired of all of this, I'm thinking I'm gonna break things off with her when I'm done with the hike tomorrow. I'm still really attached to her though, I'm pretty sure I love her but I don't know if she ever really felt the same. Thoughts? Again, sorry for the endless text


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InvisibleRyeHumor
MasterProcrastinator
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Registered: 02/21/20
Posts: 210
Loc: Yeast Of Knowhere
Re: Could use some advice. [Re: sabinastreasure] * 1
    #26649412 - 05/04/20 11:37 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Hey thank you for sharing man.

Likely putting your thoughts to text is helpful way to process your own feelings about the situation.

Sounds like your conflicted. I’ve been there, as I’m sure have many others.

Don’t know if you’re looking for advice (I doubt it) probably better to reach your own conclusions.

All I can say is personally I value a partner that has my best interests in mind. Who I can rely on to be supportive and conscious of my mental state and vice versa.

What’s most important to you?

Shrooms are not the answer to everything but I’ve found meditating with intention on them has helped me clarify my priorities and answer those types of questions free from much influence as to what I or others think they “should” be.

I’ve been in several relationships that have lasted many years I can tell you this. I still love all the women I have ever dated, those that I’ve parted ways with are still incredible people that have enriched my life.

Some I felt more crushed parting with than others. At times it’s felt like I’d lost the one or that person was so amazing I’ll never find someone like that again.

But really I’ve found those heartbreaks to be some of the most powerfully emotional times in my life and I appreciate the experience and perspective they provided.

Ultimately though I feel I’ve kept true to being with a person that is supportive to my goals and my growth and vice versa. When I have felt either of those parts lacking (and of course I didn’t throw in the towel immediately, I think relationships require work you can’t just throw in the towel at the first sign of doubt) I have tried to address it ASAP.

Some worked with me, but those that refused, that’s when I’ve personally called it.

No matter what you and this girl choose to do, I wish you good luck and I’d like to remind you, “life goes on”

-RH


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Offlinemagoogle
Stranger
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Registered: 04/01/20
Posts: 29
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
Re: Could use some advice. [Re: RyeHumor]
    #26650856 - 05/05/20 01:52 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

It sounds like you're *not* into the poly thing and your attachment to this person is preventing you from making the difficult decision to end things. I know this feeling well but when I've trusted my gut and got over the heartache, it was the right decision.

It sounds like you just need a bit of a nudge. *nudge* :tongue:


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OfflineBabylon
Shaman


Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 442
Last seen: 2 years, 9 months
Re: Could use some advice. [Re: magoogle]
    #26650904 - 05/05/20 02:12 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I'm poly,  I've been involved with mono folks in the past who tried being poly to be with me.  It's a bad idea.  The clearest metaphor is Joe Exotic and his husbands.  He takes care of them, they love him, so they try being gay, but it doesn't work.  They end up doing lots of drugs and being miserable.

Mono folks don't belong with poly folks, and straight people shouldn't pretend to be gay.  Sometimes it takes an experience like yours to understand your orientation.

I hope you end up with someone who can be the kind of lover you need.  This girl clearly is not.


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InvisibleMr.GuessWork
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Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
Re: Could use some advice. [Re: RyeHumor]
    #26650927 - 05/05/20 02:22 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I agree with the others, and I'm going to dump my opinion on you because unsolicited advise makes the world go round.

This sounds like crazy young people stuff to me. Nobody knows what they want or how to get it, let alone how to talk about it with each other in a way that that leads to agreement and mutual understanding. It's almost like each of you is trying to convince the other to see it your own way to get what you want instead of looking for somebody that has wants to complement your own. As an older guy (about 30), I'd probably have moved on from this girl after the first flipflop on being in a monogamous relationship. Ehhhh... I might have made plans to move on while participating in good sex so I could enjoy biding my time before following through with said plans. It sounds like her priority is to have fun and mess around with more casual sex when it's available and convenient for her. That's fine, and it's part of growing up for some people, but it's not something that's going to change because of you. If a committed monogamous relationship is what you're after, then it seems she's got different interests and drives based off your post. My advice would be to either enjoy the relationship for what it is, no fucks given otherwise, or be done with her and go look for what you want somewhere else, where you might really be able to get it. If you can't reach a clear agreement that feels right, then you shouldn't settle IMO.


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InvisibleRyeHumor
MasterProcrastinator
Male


Registered: 02/21/20
Posts: 210
Loc: Yeast Of Knowhere
Re: Could use some advice. [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
    #26651008 - 05/05/20 03:01 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

One last anecdotal story I'd give you is this.

I just stopped myself from creating another long-ass post like my first one.

here's the gist of it.

I dated a girl I was head over heals for, almost proposed after a couple years.

She loved to be a social butterfly, flirted with people and partied despite never actually cheating. I tried but couldn't handle it and I didn't like to go with her because partying at bars was not my jam.

After breaking up and getting back together she tried to change. And she did, the flirting stopped, among other things that we had discussed.

It was terrible, though she had changed everything and seemed to be willing to continue to do so it was obvious that she was not fulfilled as a result.

That experience has lead me to believe that you really don't want people to try and change fundamental parts of themselves to accommodate a relationship.

That goes both ways.

The point of this post was really to reinforce Babylon's point.

Whatever you/they are don't try to change it for a relationship. Gay/straight/mono/poly etc. even if someone tries it's more likely to build resentment rather than net you any happiness.

In a way I am sorry if you experience hurt over this situation, but on the other hand I'm excited for you it will be powerful regardless.

Either way cheers to you. :hug:

-RH

ok this wasn't that short either but hopefully you get the point


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InvisibleThe Blind Ass
Bodhi
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,731
Loc: The Primordial Mind
Re: Could use some advice. [Re: RyeHumor]
    #26656101 - 05/07/20 09:32 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Not love my man, not love.  Cut and Run, Cut and Run.

Now that you’ve upped your experience, you’ll do much better and have an easier time finding someone who is actually worth it.  Go and fish my brother.  Your obviously a Mono guy,  find a Mono woman - and your soul will thank you for it.


--------------------
Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps


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