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OfflineRigogpu
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Registered: 02/25/20
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Bad shroom trip trying to understand
    #26652722 - 05/06/20 10:56 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

This is my 2nd time taking shrooms 1st time was about a month ago I took 2 grams and was very light trip. Im taking shrooms for healing that is my purpose at this moment in time. I have some addiction I'm working with and also trying to kick smoking cigarettes because i chain smoke till the point I get sick.Last week weds I took 3.7 grams of amazonian. I had 2 Tiki bamboo torches lit and was listening to enya and some Indian chanting music. I think after past an hour nothing was happening so I started smoking some cbd blunts and that help it kick in for sure. At 1st I felt my mind traveling and thoughts of suppressed feelings started coming on and I started to cry let those pint up emotions out. Started getting revelations of things I was doing wrong and getting an understanding of things I'm doing unknowingly to protect myself. Like not telling my family I love them becuase I dont want to feel any pain if they turn there back on me or pass away or anything. Basically just not expressing myself because I'm avoiding any type of future pain. I got a lot of revelations of things like that let out alot of cries but they felt good my soul needed that. I was numb couldn't cry before these because i couldn't grasp any emotions and feel the actuality of them. Things were going good then I a strong breeze came and I can hear the strong wind nearly putting out my tiki torches I continued to just let my mind wonder at one point i started getting really anxious and fearful for no reason. I could have snapped out of it but i was talki g to myself like getting messages. It was telling me I want you to feel anxiety and fear because it cant do anything to you its in your mind. Stuff like that then i was just sitting in complete anxiety and fear. Like I didn't want to snap.out of it and i could have but i forced myself to feel complete anxiety and fear. I felt like a strong surge within me of those feelings. Then after a while my mind started to wonder and I was just letting my mind go then periodic thoughts that I cant remember were just floating around my head as I was tripping then a thought came in my head not me but a thought that said your son has to die or kill your son something of that nature and when that happened I was like wait wtf and started to snap my self out of that trip and as I did I had a psychotic breakdown like I was still able to grasp what was happening and was into a panic and that feeling was deep inside me like I had become almost possessed. The thoughts were saying he must die and i went into a deeper panic because i felt deep down in me yes he must die and it freaked me out big time. Like I was possessed by something and felt that deep inner disturbed being. So I get up start burning sage and felt like I was going crazy I was still sane to understand and started to panic and 2nd guess my self. I started thinking am I going to hurt my family, my wife, my daughter, my self. Like I didn't trust me anymore because that feeling was deep and Something deep in me wanted it like a psychopath. My son was with his mom that weekend and I literally got scared to the point I will mever do any psycadelics then after the panic I relax a little and tried to understand why that happened. I was freaked the hell out. I told my wife after 45 cause ahe saw my just lost and I told her and she didn't say anything really. I didn't want to tell her because that's just psychotic. I tried relaxing then I built the courage to go back outside afyer like 45 min and went back outside and stared smoking cbd again to help it kick in. I went with the intention that I wanted to know why and Everything is meant to be. I started getting suttle messages like it had to scare me to not take advantage of psycadelics and myself and other things I cant remember. I didn't let it kick in full gear cause my neighbor pulled up and didn't want them to smell the cbd cause its smells like marijuana. Ant explaination why this happend or yall know anyone that can interpret my experience? Did something possess me with that strong gust of wind at the time that happened there was some Indian chanting music playing when I got that pyschptic episode. Is that how trips work? Should I try again or not risk losing it? On another note I have quit smoking cigarettes since that day and also stopped my other addiction I had. So in a sense it literally scared me straight but I was sad that It was almost like a welcome and a goodbye forever at the same time. Let me know how I can understand and integrate my experience Thank you


Edited by Rigogpu (05/06/20 03:33 PM)


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InvisibleThe Blind Ass
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Re: Bad shroom trip tryi g to understand [Re: Rigogpu] * 1
    #26652744 - 05/06/20 11:13 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Psychedelics can allow one to communicate with parts of themselves that we aren’t often aware of.

Also, when tripping completely alone it’s usually just you and your mind , and everything in it is of your own nature.

Exactly in the same way as a dream at night when sleeping - everything in it is your own - mind/stuff.  All the phenomena , trips essentially the same in that regard.  No doubt about it.  That includes the full spectrum of emotion.  Fear, terror, bliss, love, anger, impatience, etc.  the human being is an animal, and being so has the shadowy dark side and the opposite angelic side (that aspect of us can be expressed in many ways).  We all have the potential to be real monsters, or angels, and all the in between.  That’s all part of our nature.

Even while sober, you could entertain taboos and other things one may not want to be aware of.  Disgusting or horrible things, etc. but it usually reflexively gets dematerialized in the mind as soon as it appears - at least with most.  Mind works much by association, both thoughts and emotions, so you can probably discern exactly what happened that night if you tryin earnest.

I’m really glad it scared you straight, that’s a blessing.  You usually still have to retain a low key back burner vigilance to not fall back into the old habitual conditioning to keep up your intended abstinence for a while until it becomes second nature, then your free free.

But the fact that it helped you to help yourself in making the crucial step of stopping in the first place, is most of the hard work in my own opinion.


Btw, your story reminds me of the biblical story of Abraham, when he hears gods voice within his mind and it tells him to kill his beloved son, you know that one?

Anyways, I think you forgot yourself in the trip and let yourself get carried away with it all, as in on some level you must’ve been aware that you had taken a psychedelic and you were orchestrating a degree of your own experience,  but that’s just my opinion - based on my own experiences.

The most interesting thing about it is learning about one’s own nature imho.  it’s not what we want for the most part, it’s just what it is.

I’d think only you know the answer though.  Thanks for sharing :thumbup:


--------------------
Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps


Edited by The Blind Ass (05/06/20 11:31 AM)


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OfflineInnerWisdom
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Re: Bad shroom trip tryi g to understand [Re: Rigogpu]
    #26652750 - 05/06/20 11:18 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah that must have been terrifying to see those thoughts in your mind. No possessions or stuff like that took place I don't think. Just your soul and your mind working. It's all aspects of you. Try to talk to this psychopathic side and understand it, maybe that helps. Some people actually go and kill their children. Maybe you were dealing with that potential in you. I am not saying you are going to do those things like you know, but I think that was just your "shadow" side there capable of evil things. I know I have done some horrible stuff when I thought I was innocent and would never do anything like it. So in this way I think you are now much better in contact with yourself. Maybe trip again to inquire further into those parts of you?
And it would be much appreciated for the reader if you could make the text more easily readable after you have written it :thumbup::smile:


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OfflineRigogpu
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Re: Bad shroom trip tryi g to understand [Re: InnerWisdom] * 1
    #26652830 - 05/06/20 12:02 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Honestly I would not trade this experience back. I know that on addiction the hardest part is stopping. I totally agree and understand it's a blessing in disguise. Ive been a different person this past week. My wife has been more affectionate not because what I told her but because my actions. I dont argue with her anymore I help out more. Yesterday we ran 2 miles together first time we did that in 8 years together. I usually run alone she asked and I told her lets go and we went. I'm less irritable and more understanding of myself and other's. Like I called her on my lunch break and she said she wanted to go running again tonight. She calls me more often and kisses me randomly and she looks at me differently I can see it not just me thinking that I literally see her checking me out probably because I'm more confident and layed back. I used to be super anxious and never did anything with her like running and stuff. I know I have to continue to work on myself and am very aware that I don't want to slip back tothose old ways. I am super thankful because I really couldn't stop smoking and doing other things on top of being an asshole. I dont want to be that old me I see how its helped me. Also sorry about how I type guys I'm doing it through my phone as I dont have a computer right now


Edited by Rigogpu (05/06/20 12:07 PM)


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OfflineInnerWisdom
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Re: Bad shroom trip tryi g to understand [Re: Rigogpu]
    #26652841 - 05/06/20 12:11 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Alright, good for you man :manofapproval:


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InvisibleThe Blind Ass
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Re: Bad shroom trip tryi g to understand [Re: InnerWisdom]
    #26652845 - 05/06/20 12:13 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Very good for you!  And your fam.

Happy for you.


--------------------
Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps


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OfflineRigogpu
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Re: Bad shroom trip tryi g to understand [Re: The Blind Ass]
    #26653233 - 05/06/20 04:16 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I'm just trying to figure out why that happened and understand what it was trying to teach me. It did help and I did alot of research some saying it helped for 3 months others 6 before they have to journey again. I'm a little lost for future healing if needed. Was super intense very but at the same time beneficial. I have this thought this episode scared the life out of me why do I want to even dare try again. I remember thinking a metaphor that night of "this is painful to endure but I was an addict I love pain if I lose my sanity and go crazy so be it cause I never had my sanity to begin with" can I somehow not be addicted cause its not a compulsion but in a wierd way like that intense engagement to that activity whether good or bad. Im just a very intense person and I want to understand for me to learn about me. Is that weird or me thinking that.


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InvisibleThe Blind Ass
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Re: Bad shroom trip tryi g to understand [Re: Rigogpu]
    #26653262 - 05/06/20 04:31 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I was an opiate addict,  so I think I understand where your coming from.  In fact I’ve had the same thought you just had - more or less.

I’ve found if I’m honest without deception with myself about how and why I used fungi, I maintain appropriate perspective.  My own code is not to use them on a whim, and in general I at most eat them in the macro dosage several times a year.  Sometimes once a month, but usually once every 3 months.  But in the last 5 years I have only “tripped” maybe 10 or so times.  Mainly because of my responsibilities.  That and I find using them very often - I generally know what the introspective theme will already be, so it’s a waste, in a sense.

To me, they are a substitute to lucid dreaming - which as an adult I no longer spontaneously do a couple times a week, now it’s more like every few months I’ll be able to maintain lucidity but only for a short while.

Lucid dreaming while awake, via fungi, allows for non dual union to occur between subject/object - self/other etc.  and in that state I find that I can prime myself before hand and use it like a wish fulfilling gem or tree.  This allows for one to play god in an unreal world, but which can have a positive or negative impact upon ones real world/ life.  Like a training ground of unlimited potential that’s pure mind for exploration, discovery, creation, destruction, fulfillment and more.

So that’s one Side of the tripping coin ,  being in control so to speak.

Sometimes it’s not according to plan, and thats fine too.  to know-thyself without clouded vision or deceit/delusion is the most important function that they serve.

That’s the other side of the coin, being out of control and then it seems like it’s happening to you, or With you, as opposed to just you orchestrating the phenomena that occurs - but even then, that’s mainly the brain/ the unconscious or collective consciousness happening to be sort of running the show for a while. 

That and ecstatic Union with the divine, or the all. Etc.    that’s where both sides of the coin coalesce as one, so to speak.

That is, imho -  the natural primordial nondual mystical state of awareness.


Then we have the so called Bad trips which are just as enlightening to me, but they can be absolutely terrifying at the time, lingering like a bad dream if one can’t maintain perspective about the nature of the experience being akin to dreaming.  Wether they enlightening about the potential for psychosis or about some subtle nuanced stuff going on inside me at the time in a weird way. Haha.






My point to all that is,  If your going to continue using them, be careful, and figure it out for you.  If they just make you delusional - and negatively impact your day to day normal life, I’d say they are detrimental.  If they do the opposite, the proofs in the pudding.

Like a dream, a trip can impact the Mind to be - like a mirror confronting a form. A magic mirror, with magical illusions that one can actually Learn things from ones own source of being.  That’s beautiful , even if the learning is of things we wished we didn’t at times.

But the pudding can always change ingredients, so just beware.  3 pillars for life and tripping = Morality, Concentration, and Wisdom.

Good, being the highest truth.  Love.  Discernment .  All pretty good stuff if you ask me.

Sry for the preach :cool:


Edited by The Blind Ass (05/06/20 04:44 PM)


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