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Niffla



Registered: 06/09/08
Posts: 46,482
Loc: Texas
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Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years 2
#26652476 - 05/06/20 08:31 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Normally it would be completely none of my business, but the problem is, his wife is also a very good friend of mine.
This guy has been like a brother of mine to some degree. Since I met him, back in like 07', him and his wife have always been at war. She flips out on him constantly and has kicked him out countless times (even poured bleach on his entire wardrobe once). And for good reason, believe me. I mean I don't condone pouring bleach on the man's clothes but damn, when you cheat the way he does on the woman he exchanged vows with, what do you expect.
Yet somehow against all odds they're still together. They have a daughter who's now 15.
But yeah this has been going on for years, and I can't tell you how many times I've had to lie for him. Which makes me a pretty terrible person. I don't know what I was supposed to do, though. Tell her the truth? Again the guy has been like a brother to me. Like she has straight up asked me before if he's cheating (my answer is always that I have no knowledge of him having done so, which to be blunt isn't true). He also will call me and tell me, "if she (his wife) asks, I was with you last night". When of course he wasn't.
Last night we went out to a restaurant (kinda stupid I know considering what's going on as far as the virus goes). We had some drinks and tried to catch up a little. Well she got a little too drunk. Ended up going home early. Him and I had just ordered a round so she said you guys can stay.
Right after she left he got on his phone and called up his girl on the side, set up a meet, and then told me "if she asks we didn't leave until 10".
It was like 8:30.
I don't even know what the point of this thread is. Other than to vent a little. I feel bad for her. Along the way I've become pretty close with her (and no I don't have any sexual feelings for her). I mean he probably cheats on her weekly. And I'm not even exaggerating.
TLDR: best friend cheats on his wife constantly and I am caught in the really shitty position of having to lie for him
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HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING
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Niffla



Registered: 06/09/08
Posts: 46,482
Loc: Texas
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: Niffla]
#26652485 - 05/06/20 08:36 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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It does need to be noted though that I haven't lied for him every single time.
A couple of months ago I guess he told her that he was with me. She called and asked if he was. I said no. And that I haven't heard from him. That was the first time I finally didn't lie to cover up for him. She then asked if I knew what he was up to -- and I said no (which I really didn't know, although it's pretty easy to guess). Just told her he wasn't with me. She thanked me for my honesty and said I'll talk to you later.
She obviously spoke to him about this (I'm assuming) and I'm pretty sure in his eyes he thinks I sold him out. Which I didn't. I was just asked if he was really with me and I told her the truth.
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HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING
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badchad
Mad Scientist

Registered: 03/02/05
Posts: 13,372
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: Niffla] 3
#26652502 - 05/06/20 08:43 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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I have a good friend that used to be like this. I dunno if that is still the case since we don't talk much anymore. Regardless, I never try to judge other relationships but think its kinda fucked up. Sure, I've known plenty of people that have made mistakes and cheated on their significant other. But this guy was doing it constantly. Like, why the hell are you even married if you constantly cheat? wtf is the point?
-------------------- ...the whole experience is (and is as) a profound piece of knowledge. It is an indellible experience; it is forever known. I have known myself in a way I doubt I would have ever occurred except as it did. Smith, P. Bull. Menninger Clinic (1959) 23:20-27; p. 27. ...most subjects find the experience valuable, some find it frightening, and many say that is it uniquely lovely. Osmond, H. Annals, NY Acad Science (1957) 66:418-434; p.436
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



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Posts: 26,657
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: Niffla] 5
#26652503 - 05/06/20 08:43 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Sounds complicated yet simple. At least you can tell him you aren’t going to be complicit in his adultery any further. That way you can free up some head space and have an easy conscience about it, and you can still remain friends if you want - it’s not your responsibility to participate in a lie/deceit/deception, especially one that causes suffering to all involved - and potentially quite pervasive suffering to them (yourself, one day him, his wife, and daughter) . That much I would do, also because His wife must be so miserable
They need to work it out, however it turns it.
Appropriate moral wholesomeness
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
Edited by The Blind Ass (05/06/20 08:45 AM)
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already


Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: Niffla] 4
#26652550 - 05/06/20 09:13 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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You seem to like the guy despite these shortcomings so I think the best thing you can do is just tell him that they're both good friends of yours and you don't feel right lying for him anymore. For the sake of keeping things civil just say it's his business and you don't want to be involved. We all know he'd be crushed if you lied for his wife. I'd say to say that but he'd probably just assume you were hinting at something. And if he tries to talk to you about it later for whatever reason, you know unless he's apologetic, I'd just be like "Nah man I don't really want to hear about it tbh." He's probably going to be annoyed you don't want to cover his ass, and it might even make him think more strongly you sold him out, but it's definitely a more moral standpoint and I tend to think that's the better one. I wanna say maybe a talk to could help straighten it out but if he's been doing it for this long then he won't change. His daughter is going to hate him eventually.
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FrancoAmerican
Yes-man


Registered: 10/21/18
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: larry.fisherman] 2
#26652578 - 05/06/20 09:30 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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This is a bad situation. Especially for you. It’s obvious you know this.
So many reasons. It’s a dangerous world. He could be sharing diseases with his wife. HPV alone is a in ow cancer causing std.
The physical risks in combination with the emotional damage that will be done if this eventually and most likely blows up will be catastrophic to everyone.
I really feel bad for the 15 year old. Her ideals and her feelings about her father could be destroyed forever. It could effect every aspect of trust in her life.
Ultimately it’s not your problem. It’s a lose lose situation for you. You were out in a place where you had to be compliant with your friends requests to cover for him or you would contribute to the destruction of a family.
Damn this is a rough post..
Is it just recently weighing more heavily on you? Or is it just a consistent ongoing steady problem ?
-------------------- Life ——>🍄🤯🍄😢🍄😆🍄😀🍄💀🤙🏼——->Death
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watermelon mon
Willow Trees


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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: FrancoAmerican] 1
#26652613 - 05/06/20 09:50 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Sorry to hear that. Maybe psilocybin can help.
Guys like this, seem to prevail very well. It's very confusing to me. I've never had the privilege yet.
My kindness always got mistaken. Any time that i did come close to being in a relationship. The games always just frustrated me. They all secretly hated me anyway.
It's very strange how people work.
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Niffla



Registered: 06/09/08
Posts: 46,482
Loc: Texas
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: FrancoAmerican] 1
#26652615 - 05/06/20 09:52 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
FrancoAmerican said:
Is it just recently weighing more heavily on you? Or is it just a consistent ongoing steady problem ?
It has been weighing on me for years. I've tried my hardest to look the other way and tell myself that it's none of my business. Thing is though him having me complicit in this by lying for him makes it my business. Not to mention she's actually my friend. But even if she wasn't actually my friend, my god man I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And then their 15 year old daughter. Ugh. Her daughter knows, too. I'm 99% certain of it anyway.
But last night, it really hit even harder than usual I guess. I mean here we are, catching up for the first time in months, in the midst of a global pandemic, and literally minutes after she left he was using me to cover for him (she never did ask anything last night for the record) again.
And thanks for the responses everyone. I appreciate it a lot.
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HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: Niffla] 1
#26652629 - 05/06/20 10:00 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Damn man, that sucks. One of the worst social situations to be in. Im not sure what Id do except avoid being in the room with them both....
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tunhing
Stranger

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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: LogicaL Chaos] 4
#26652717 - 05/06/20 10:54 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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In my experience, a clear good option is a rare availability. There's a pretty clear line of introspective questioning that you'll have to undertake, once you can properly articulate for yourself how you feel and why, the "right" move forwards will be clearer.
For instance: Do his actions bother you?
Why? Sympathy for the people he's hurting? Guilt for being complicit? (I know you've already explained that far, but bear with me)
Are you going to do something about it?
Are you more motivated by the potential impact of your action or inaction, on him, and his family, or are you looking to exit stage left and waiver all responsibility? And I know that question carries tones of condescension, but sometimes the safest and sanest thing to do is cut and run, so no judgement implied.
How will you look back on this situation in 5 years if you....(insert potential course of action here)?
Will you weigh the quality of your decision based on the impact it has on you, or him/them?
Are you prepared to lose this friendship?
Not trying to be preachy, just trying to deliver the best advice I can, the best way I can think of. Personally, in a situation like yours', I'd opt for the least destructive course of action that I could still live with. Just sometime's there's no middle ground, and that blows. Good luck, take care.
Edited by tunhing (05/06/20 10:55 AM)
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: tunhing] 2
#26652730 - 05/06/20 11:00 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Sorry man if it were me I would tell my friend to grow the fuck up and if he doesn't want to be with his wife then leave properly and not endanger her.....yeah I'd turn the whole occasion into a real fiesta AND keep my friends.
-------------------- ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
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Shiithead
Your Huckleberry



Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 9,997
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: spirit_shadow] 2
#26652958 - 05/06/20 01:29 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Niffla, get away from those people...
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Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Psalm 12:6 The words of the Lord are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times. Hebrews 11:3 Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear. Revelation 3:11 Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.
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qman
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: Shiithead] 3
#26652980 - 05/06/20 01:41 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Shiithead said: Niffla, get away from those people...
Yeah, it's a no win situation, get out. A good friend wouldn't constantly be asking you to lie for him.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: qman] 4
#26652992 - 05/06/20 01:49 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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It's not as simple as that. Niff would be an even worse friend were he just to turn his back on him like you guys are suggesting without trying to figure it out like he is.
Life is resplendent with great difficulties that involve much soul searching and seeking the advice of others in order to best navigate them.
To simply turn ones back at the first sign of strife, IMO, is cowardly in the extreme. Hard times = strong men.
Quote:
Marcus Aurelias said: Begin the morning by saying to thyself, I shall meet with the busy-body, the ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, unsocial. All these things happen to them by reason of their ignorance of what is good and evil. But I who have seen the nature of the good that it is beautiful, and of the bad that it is ugly, and the nature of him who does wrong, that it is akin to me, not only of the same blood or seed, but that it participates in the same intelligence and the same portion of the divinity, I can neither be injured by any of them, for no one can fix on me what is ugly, nor can I be angry with my kinsman, nor hate him, For we are made for co-operation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of the upper and lower teeth. To act against one another then is contrary to nature; and it is acting against one another to be vexed and to turn away.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Niffla



Registered: 06/09/08
Posts: 46,482
Loc: Texas
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: tunhing] 1
#26653204 - 05/06/20 03:55 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Yeah like beard said I can't just bail. Him & I go way back. And I'm good friends with his wife, too (although a pretty terrible one admittedly since I've aided & abetted her husband's cheating
Next time he puts me on the spot again I'm going to talk to him about it once and for all
Quote:
tunhing said: In my experience, a clear good option is a rare availability. There's a pretty clear line of introspective questioning that you'll have to undertake, once you can properly articulate for yourself how you feel and why, the "right" move forwards will be clearer.
For instance: Do his actions bother you?
Why? Sympathy for the people he's hurting? Guilt for being complicit? (I know you've already explained that far, but bear with me)
Are you going to do something about it?
Are you more motivated by the potential impact of your action or inaction, on him, and his family, or are you looking to exit stage left and waiver all responsibility? And I know that question carries tones of condescension, but sometimes the safest and sanest thing to do is cut and run, so no judgement implied.
How will you look back on this situation in 5 years if you....(insert potential course of action here)?
Will you weigh the quality of your decision based on the impact it has on you, or him/them?
Are you prepared to lose this friendship?
Not trying to be preachy, just trying to deliver the best advice I can, the best way I can think of. Personally, in a situation like yours', I'd opt for the least destructive course of action that I could still live with. Just sometime's there's no middle ground, and that blows. Good luck, take care.
man this is great stuff to think about, thank you
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HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING
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lifeiswhatyoumake
Trance in my sig n blood



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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: Niffla] 2
#26653238 - 05/06/20 04:17 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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I would not be friends with some one who cheats on their significant other. There is no way. Imagine the pain the other person will eventually go through because the person they trust is consciously fucking other people in secret. Despicable behavior.
As others have said, I think the best way forward for you, Niff, is to tell your friend you are no longer going to participate in his game of cheating.
--------------------
  I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ;   
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pirate-blues


Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 13,655
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: Niffla] 5
#26653254 - 05/06/20 04:28 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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That sucks. After a while it's like..damn...just break up! That poor girl would probably get a better idea of what a functioning relationship looked like if they just called it quits and agreed to be decent co-parents to one another. But I get that it's easier said than done.
I have a friend who cheats. She has also tended to date abusive losers that kind of deserve it. It really is gross though, has put me in some uncomfortable positions, and now she's not as bad about it - she at least matured enough to just call herself polyamorous and found someone who's okay with that(and who is for once a decent person but that's another story)..and that's way way waaay better and preferable.
I don't put myself in a position of feeling like I need to approve of every single life choice my friends make(and I definitely don't lol), but I do still find myself feeling guilty for their dumb ass choices. I eventually just ended up removing myself from situations where I felt like I was going to end up having to lie. Preserved the friendship while also preserving my sanity.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: pirate-blues] 3
#26653255 - 05/06/20 04:29 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Awesome response PB.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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FrancoAmerican
Yes-man


Registered: 10/21/18
Posts: 264
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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: lifeiswhatyoumake] 2
#26653265 - 05/06/20 04:33 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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IMHO - I think you’ve done the best you could in the situation. There was definitely no winning solution.
If this person is your boy, you should sit down - have a beer and bro down.
Tell him you are done being his cover because it’s causing you to be stressed and act in ways that are against your moral code and leave it at that. Don’t judge his behavior. That’s not your place.
Honesty is where it’s at. If he flips his shit - you know what that means. If he is cool and takes it like a man - he should say thanks for the heads up. No problem. Friends don’t want to Cause their friends stress Or pain or anxiety. Whatever negative consequences your going through. They should want to spare you.
And for real. Just get a fucking divorce dude. You can’t have your cake and muffins too. Obesity kills.
I hope your boy is just a good friend with a sex addiction.
-------------------- Life ——>🍄🤯🍄😢🍄😆🍄😀🍄💀🤙🏼——->Death
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tunhing
Stranger

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Re: Close friend of mine has been a habitual cheater for years [Re: FrancoAmerican]
#26653410 - 05/06/20 05:45 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Anytime. And that kind of talk will give you some indication of the rest of his character and the quality of your friendship.
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