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Anonymous #1
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Loving someone & praticality
#26601543 - 04/14/20 08:22 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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What if you really love someone but you want different things from life? Like one person wants children and the other doesn't? One wants a big house and the other wants a small one? One wants city and one wants country? One loves the morning and the other loves the night?
Is it possible to compromise on things like that, even if both communicate really well and there are plenty of shared hobbies?
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Acuriousmycologist
"Asking for a friend"


Registered: 07/07/18
Posts: 751
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Re: Loving someone & praticality [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26616624 - 04/21/20 12:02 AM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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No. By definition, there is no decision that will partly meet both people's needs. One person will lose out. It's a matter of working out who is willing to let go of what.
-------------------- We're all mentally ill. We're all delusional. We're all junkies. It's just a matter of degree (the Venerable Robina Curtin) Anything I say here is a fiction, for role play or research only. Full of bollocks I am. I wouldn't believe me.
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Buckomcdoogle
Atypical obsessive.


Registered: 11/27/19
Posts: 932
Last seen: 8 months, 9 days
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Some smart man said at one point. "A good agreement, leaves both sides feeling like they gave up something"
If it's really so much an impasse, maybe it wasn't meant to be.
There is such a big yet sometimes subtle difference between love and attachment.
-------------------- "Nothing is more dangerous to your creativity than comfort and familiarity" "Nihilism is the most basic truth in existence, the only consistency throughout the world, and the universe is chaos and decay" "Logic leads to nihilism"
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Double


Registered: 05/03/19
Posts: 798
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Re: Loving someone & praticality [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26621090 - 04/22/20 09:34 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Oh man, this is such a great topic op Ive been meaning to answer this the whole day and i finally get a chance. Also this sounds pretty legit,
Quote:
Buckomcdoogle said: Some smart man said at one point. "A good agreement, leaves both sides feeling like they gave up something"
Anyway, let me tell about my case..
I dated this woman for 5 years. Best relationship I ever had. I loved this woman dearly and I still do as a friend. Im 31 and have never been the type to wish to have a wife and kids at all. As matter of fact, i was scared shitless about the possibility of getting her pregnant, for multiple reasons.
However, I loved this woman so much that I figured that if I was gonna do the wife and kids thing with anyone, it would be with her.
problem was, we are both functional alcoholics. worse yet, we enabled each other and rarely did we felt any guilt about our behavior. Long story short, i couldnt fathom the idea of rearing children while we clearly had alcohol problems. we werent gonna be able to quit, not even if we had kids, thats almost certain.
Now of course we end up breaking up for other reasons but the point im trying to make is that not even all the love i had for her, and the love she had for me, could save us both from our addictions.
Now im not sure if what i just shared holds any relevance to what you are asking, but at least when i read about your concern, this is what came into my mind.
we broke up 3 years ago, ive been single since and im the happiest ive been in a very long time. of course, i feel lonely sometimes, but the anxiety of having to deal with the ups and downs of being in a relationship is gone, and i feel very good about that.
i rather be drunk by myself, than having to deal with being in a relationship with another person who has the same problems as i do. i felt more bad for her alcoholism than i did about mine. and now, i dont have to deal with anyone elses problems but my own.
love is beautiful man, ill leave it at that.
Good luck and stay safe
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Babylon
Shaman


Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 442
Last seen: 2 years, 9 months
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Re: Loving someone & praticality [Re: Double]
#26632883 - 04/27/20 07:49 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Double said: Oh man, this is such a great topic op Ive been meaning to answer this the whole day and i finally get a chance. Also this sounds pretty legit,
Quote:
Buckomcdoogle said: Some smart man said at one point. "A good agreement, leaves both sides feeling like they gave up something"
Anyway, let me tell about my case..
I dated this woman for 5 years. Best relationship I ever had. I loved this woman dearly and I still do as a friend. Im 31 and have never been the type to wish to have a wife and kids at all. As matter of fact, i was scared shitless about the possibility of getting her pregnant, for multiple reasons.
However, I loved this woman so much that I figured that if I was gonna do the wife and kids thing with anyone, it would be with her.
problem was, we are both functional alcoholics. worse yet, we enabled each other and rarely did we felt any guilt about our behavior. Long story short, i couldnt fathom the idea of rearing children while we clearly had alcohol problems. we werent gonna be able to quit, not even if we had kids, thats almost certain.
Now of course we end up breaking up for other reasons but the point im trying to make is that not even all the love i had for her, and the love she had for me, could save us both from our addictions.
Now im not sure if what i just shared holds any relevance to what you are asking, but at least when i read about your concern, this is what came into my mind.
we broke up 3 years ago, ive been single since and im the happiest ive been in a very long time. of course, i feel lonely sometimes, but the anxiety of having to deal with the ups and downs of being in a relationship is gone, and i feel very good about that.
i rather be drunk by myself, than having to deal with being in a relationship with another person who has the same problems as i do. i felt more bad for her alcoholism than i did about mine. and now, i dont have to deal with anyone elses problems but my own.
love is beautiful man, ill leave it at that.
Good luck and stay safe 
It sounds like your problem was the opposite of the OP's, you didn't want incompatible things, you wanted the same thing, and it was bad for you.
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Double


Registered: 05/03/19
Posts: 798
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Re: Loving someone & praticality [Re: Babylon]
#26636096 - 04/29/20 06:02 AM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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That is a very good way to put it. Indeed,
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NOUS333
Stranger Than You


Registered: 12/26/15
Posts: 2,952
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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Re: Loving someone & praticality [Re: Double]
#26637584 - 04/29/20 08:12 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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na dude. I can't even fuck with people as friends if they want different stuff than I do out of life. I have old friends that I LOVE. Like, I love them more than life itself. They define life for me even... they know me better than any other humans will ever know me. We had countless nights together getting stoned looking at the stars and talking about reality and life and consciousness. But, born alone, die alone. Each of us has our souls eyes pointed in a different direction. I can't waste my life going in their direction. We are still friends but I'm not gonna have them around all the time. So I don't know how it would work if you have a partner who is always with you, or lives with you, and yet their chosen direction is always tugging at you in your chosen direction.. sounds really stressful and frustrating to me.
But then again, maybe that is just me and others could handle it better. Idk. good question.
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Double


Registered: 05/03/19
Posts: 798
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Re: Loving someone & praticality [Re: Double]
#26638601 - 04/30/20 09:13 AM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Thing is this, sometimes you fall in love with someone who had a different upbringing from yours, or just has a different set of values. Of course, you don't know this at first. Maybe when you first met all you wanted to do was fuck or whatever but then love happens and it cannot be contained.
At this point, you may be motivated to make concessions, for the sake of your relationship, because you care about this person. Of course, there are things some of us will never compromise about because that's who we are and that's that.
At first I didn't think about this. It was drugs, sex, and fun.. it was great. But then, the more I got to know her intimately, the more I started to realize how her use (our use) was affecting her life in a bad way.
It hurt me, because I wanted her to be well, and me too. So I tried to quit, just to realize that this almost ruined our relationship because we werent having as much fun as before. We werent gonna be that couple who "got sober."
She told me that she didnt feel bad about her use. She said that unlike me, she didnt felt guilt and thought it was fine the way that she was living.
I felt a lot of guilt, because I had finally realize what i didnt want to admit to myself, that this was ruining us.
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NOUS333
Stranger Than You


Registered: 12/26/15
Posts: 2,952
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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Re: Loving someone & praticality [Re: Double]
#26639217 - 04/30/20 02:43 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Double said: Thing is this, sometimes you fall in love with someone who had a different upbringing from yours, or just has a different set of values. Of course, you don't know this at first. Maybe when you first met all you wanted to do was fuck or whatever but then love happens and it cannot be contained.
At this point, you may be motivated to make concessions, for the sake of your relationship, because you care about this person. Of course, there are things some of us will never compromise about because that's who we are and that's that.
At first I didn't think about this. It was drugs, sex, and fun.. it was great. But then, the more I got to know her intimately, the more I started to realize how her use (our use) was affecting her life in a bad way.
It hurt me, because I wanted her to be well, and me too. So I tried to quit, just to realize that this almost ruined our relationship because we werent having as much fun as before. We werent gonna be that couple who "got sober."
She told me that she didnt feel bad about her use. She said that unlike me, she didnt felt guilt and thought it was fine the way that she was living.
I felt a lot of guilt, because I had finally realize what i didnt want to admit to myself, that this was ruining us.
yeah man... is that love though? like you had to have been able to see that you were not gonna end up being who you wanted to be if you hung around her with her attitude/perspective. We are social animals/beings... you can really warm up to a person even if they are the worst thing for you. But I wouldn't call that warming up love.
I mean.. I guess only you know if it was love. I'm just saying.. I'm actually in a similar situation, not really that similar but... screwing with a chick that is NOT good for me and my ambitions, and even though I don't find her as attractive as I want to find my 'soul mate', and even though she annoys the fuck out of me, I have warmed up to her company....I've shown her parts of myself I don't show anybody. But, deep down, I keep myself pushing her away when shit starts getting too intimate and real. I could never consider it love because I know it would be my undoing.
I think a lot of people just don't have an ambitious vision of themselves, and they give in completely to the emotions that consume them in moments. And these moments in turn end up locking in the fate of the rest of their lives, they end up with someone who really isn't good for them but they make it work.
Fuck that though man. I think I would rather be alone and be an old guy jacking off amongst all my accomplishments than with someone and have a head full of what ifs and regrets.
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Double


Registered: 05/03/19
Posts: 798
Loc:
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Re: Loving someone & praticality [Re: NOUS333]
#26642036 - 05/01/20 07:20 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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haha yeah man, I know what you mean I am much better now by myself. After being in a relationship for five years, and two other relationships before that, I feel liberated, like Ive been given a second chance.
I dont want kids now, and didnt wanted a family then, but such is the pressure of our society to "settle down," that i was ready to take on that responsibility, even though i didnt wanted it.
thank god i dodged the bullet there, huh 
cheers bro
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CosmicTwin
StrangerER



Registered: 02/26/18
Posts: 19
Loc: Never too far.
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Re: Loving someone & praticality [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26646892 - 05/03/20 07:55 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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There is so much more to your life then just loving a person.... Although a major part, Love is just a part of your life. Why do you feel like you are compromising or changing or giving up "for love"? It's clear there is a disconnect. There is a push pull, a give take, and a dance you naturally fall in that feels good..... with the right person you can gravitate to new options or possibilities you may not have have intended to effortlessly with openness.... just make sure whatever it is your are doing feels good and resonates with YOU.
Allow yourself the freedom in flexibility. =)
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