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Picture this: My dad overdoses when I'm 9 and my mom begins dating his brother. His brother is a violent alcoholic. My mom is not empathetic and so any acting out is treated with disdain. I have nowhere to turn and so I shut myself off emotionally. High school comes around and I'm so shy that I can barely look people in the eyes. My face turns bright red even at the thought of being heard. In 9th grade I'm investigated by the police for potential stalking (bullshit) and allegedly planning a school shooting (also bullshit). By college, I hate the whole world and myself.
At 20, I ballooned up to 270 pounds (I'm only 5'8"). I was a kissless virgin and scared to talk to girls. I began abusing stims and this made me more outgoing but I was still unbelievably shy. Throughout that entire period, I feel I should kill myself. I felt worthless, unlovable and doomed to a life of suffering. Gradually, up to 25, my moods begin to stable out and I slowly but surely begin to be able to speak (in a friendly way) to girls. I fall in love with a girl but end up being seen as just a very close friend. I tried to sneakily get close to her instead of just professing my feelings. I end up extremely hurt and feeling hopeless once again.
Miraculously, while out of control jealous, I played "Good Soldier" by the Flobots and something clicked in me. I began sobbing. I could see myself like a little boy feeling alone and scared. I comforted him and that was the first moment that I felt like I deserved to be loved. I spent the next 6 months just working on myself. I ended up volunteering abroad. Through that, I met my now fiancee (I was still a kissless virgin at the time). I began rushing into dangerous situations I would've never seen myself in and ended up saving lives in Venezuela. I then traveled the world with my fiancee before moving to Bogota for six years.
The reason I say all this is that to the painfully shy and suicidal guy that I was 7 years ago, this me seemed like some impossibility. To the you you are now, the you that could live out dreams and so many adventures full of love and new friends, may also seem like some mirage. It's not though. I promise it is within your reach. The first step, though, is loving and accepting yourself truly.
25/f here. Ive never been on a date. No man has ever had interest in me. My biggest fantasy is that this nerdy dude i see around sometimes would actually be into me. I swear if i tried online dating, i would fall for some bs phony romance and end up getting used or (if luck would favor me) murdered and out of my misery. I guess im doing better, as i havent tried to kill myself in a few years. I feel like death weed is my only real friend sometimes.
Things will get better for you faster if you make them.
friends are nice, but different people have different needs. For me personally i don't talk with my friends much, probably only five or six times a year. I'm cool with that and so are they. Other people need to talk with their friends every week and if they talked with them to the extent that i talk with mine they'd feel absent... Maybe you have friends but you don't realise it because of the different levels of perception and need.
The date thing is dumb. Who cares when your last date was, it's going to make you a little rusty when you finally jump back in but big whoop. If you really want to get back into the game and find the person of your dreams then you should at least start exercising some changes within your self to increment self improvement. I actually encourage self improvement and you should aspire to do just that no matter how little the improvement may be. a lit up path of self improvement will constantly grab the attention of everyone including the ladies when you're courting them.
If you hate your job, apply for others immediately. You spend the vast majority of your day at your job. If it makes you miserable, leave. Despite what's drilled into you, you are not a loser for quitting and not a failure for doing so, in fact if you have the guts to do it, i'd label you a success for knowing what you want, being able to identify that you're on the wrong path for spiritual fulfilment and taking the right action to accomplish your desires. Seriously start applying for everything no matter how daunting it may sound, no matter if it demands experience that you don't have (bring up experience from past jobs and make it sound relevant)
I can not emphasise the job thing enough. Lots of people bitch and whinge about their jobs. These people can get on with their miserable existence (many of these people just want to whinge about anything btw and actually don't know how good they have it). When you really hate it though you need do something to get out of there asap. Stop talking about suicide and just quit if that's the best way out. Go on welfair, or even fucking homeless. Don't allow your pride to determine your happiness.
When I was at my most depressed I finally went to a doctor and got a prescription for escitalopram. I was in such a bad mental state that I was desperate. I was having long conversations out loud with a voice that was permeating my thoughts. I would go down to the beach and walk along the water and talk to this voice for hours. It was mean and nasty and had nothing but negative things to say about me. I knew this was only in my head, but nonetheless it was happening. It began to effect my work when this voice would start talking at work and I would have to leave my office because I was afraid of someone seeing me crying and talking to myself like a crazy person.
The pills helped a lot. I only took them for a few months then began exploring other ways to better myself. I started boxing, reached out to coworkers and did my best to make friends, started dating via apps, and basically just worked on the parts of me that were broken. That worked much better than the pills ever could have.
I will say tho that stopping an SSRI like escitalopram cold turkey is a horrible feeling and will actually make you feel much worse for a bit. Be prepared and fight through it.