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InvisibleNickoloxious
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Trying to make sense of it all
    #26626258 - 04/25/20 07:07 AM (2 months, 8 days ago)

This is a bit hard for me to write as its personal & I'm a little tired after it all. But I feel that its important. So here it goes..

Earlier today I ingested some fresh Psilocybe subaeruginosa.
I'll admit that I've been going a bit hard on them the past week or two so I thought my tolerance would be significantly up. But today they really knocked me down.

The come up to this trip was intense. Very quickly I was noticing the typical fractals and symmetrical texture repetition. But in a matter of minutes it continued to intensify to the point that I was having a hard time focusing on things. I was witnessing the environment around me unfolding in an array of colours and when I tried to focus on the points that were unfolding it would only open up or unfold yet again in another colourful display. The colours themselves I couldn't even describe as they kept rapidly changing hues. At one point I was eating an apple and the colour of it just blended with my skin than onto the grass in the background of my vision. It just went on an on..

Now I've tripped hard before, hell I've gone much deeper than this.
But there was an overbearing theme this time that I have never felt before. Like there was a lesson to be learnt. It was the awareness of my sanity and how much I truly cherish it.

While experiencing all that I was. I was reminded of an event that had taken place several years ago. Where I witnessed my ex girlfriend go completely psychotic from a strong dose of mushrooms. She had a bit of a psychiatric history so in hindsight it was probably a terrible idea to give her such a large dose. But I just remembered her screams, the fear in her eyes, the irrationality of how she was speaking and the delusions she was proclaiming right in front of me, the paramedics taking her away, how the following day she broke down in tears describing the nightmarish things she experienced and the delusions she had. even though this happened years ago I still felt some guilt about that day. Though I felt reassured that my mind was stable enough to not succumb to a similar episode.

I was pacing around the garden thinking about all this. Slowly beginning to feel a sense of losing connection. that the unfolding fractals were going to pull me down with them. I could physically feel curtains around my mind being pulled down, completely exposed. I started thinking of my family, friends everyone that I love, what I mean to them, what they mean to me, what would happen if I truly lost my sanity. how they would be effected. I felt such a powerful sense of loss and rebirth I almost began to cry in a mixture of sadness and joy. I find it really hard to describe. Like I was asking the universe for forgiveness of any wrongdoing that I've done to myself and anyone else in my life and at the same time offering nothing but love and acceptance. this went on for about an hour before I felt myself coming back. everything was smooth sailing from there on.

I think its time for a T-break. :tongue:


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Invisiblephil823
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: Nickoloxious]
    #26632343 - 04/27/20 04:59 PM (2 months, 5 days ago)

thanks for sharing man! i had a similar substance story myself with an Ex. it was a large part of us breaking up.

I have not tripped in 10ish years, and i am growing again. it i look forward to what i can learn and experience as i have changed greatly in that amount of time.


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InvisibleNickoloxious
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: phil823]
    #26635187 - 04/28/20 09:33 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

I wish you all the best with your grow and future trips. :cheers:


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Offlinefushoomushoo
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: Nickoloxious]
    #26745684 - 06/15/20 08:03 AM (19 days, 3 hours ago)

This sounds like an important trip.

I'm of the mind that the most rewarding trips are the most uncomfortable and challenging ones. Personally, I am genuinely incapable of recreational use of psychedelics. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm quickly consumed by emotions and end up basically an infantile version of myself.
In fact, if it wasn't for psychedelics, I would have never learnt to accept my emotions altogether (having grown up in outback cowboy culture).

When you say "time for a t-break", I'm not sure that tolerance is the issue here. It seems like maybe you were just in such a situation that these feelings (which were already present in you) were safe to emerge.

There is a difference between guilt and shame, and while I don't want to make you feel ashamed, maybe that feeling of guilt that was heightened in your experience is significant. Maybe some part of you knew your ex could respond that way to psychedelics? I would try and revisit that feeling if I were you. If it came up in the trip, it's likely that these feelings are effecting you in your day-to-day life in subversive ways.


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InvisibleNickoloxious
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: fushoomushoo]
    #26785414 - 06/26/20 08:21 PM (7 days, 15 hours ago)

Thanks for the input.
It definitely was an emotional experience. When I said t-break it wasn’t so much for my tolerance but the fact that I was eating them at an almost daily basis at the time. This experience felt like I needed a few days off to properly assimilate.

I’m definitely at peace with what happened. That event took place many years ago and at the time I was just starting to experiment with mushrooms. I was a fan of strong doses and was naive about how psychedelics effect people differently, especially at high doses. I didn’t consider what she had to be a high dose at the time. I would now.

The initial guilt I felt was more in retrospect.
I was initially worried about of losing control & was reminded of a time where I witnessed something like that happen to someone else. I think my mind just went on that tangent to reassure myself that I was still ok and when it did, I basically relived that night through memory.

I believe that guilt catalysed to form the notion of;
“what if I’ve taken my psychedelic use too far where something like that were to happen to me and I break mentally. How would the people close to me be affected?”

The dose I took that day wasn’t very big. Yet hit me way stronger than expected. I think if I was prepared for a strong trip I wouldn’t of went through those thought processes. As I was only expecting a mild trip at the time. The intensity caught me by surprise.


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: Nickoloxious]
    #26786269 - 06/27/20 04:50 AM (7 days, 7 hours ago)

Happened to me a few weeks before lockdown; two days before driving 300 miles to start a new job, I took a smallish 3.5g dose, by myself at home. Everything was going smoothly, until at about 2nhours in, the intensity suddenly ramped up. It ramped up whereby all of a sudden all sounds from outside the house stopped, all motion of inanimate objects in my house stopped moving, and I sort of ended up in “a bubble”, which was outside of space and time.

It really felt like how I’d expect psychosis to feel. I tried all the classic tricks: changed rooms, changed music, went upstairs and changed clothing, tried sitting on the loo, head in hands. Then started really cursing myself for taking mushrooms a couple of days before a huge life event!

“Just my luck, 2 days before a new job and I’ve fucked up my mental faculties.“

Regardless, I was back to baseline before I needed to travel. But it seemed like I’d been in that situation so many times previously, ie. taking mushrooms when it was inappropriate to do so, then suffering the consequences.

Mush love
DJ Ed


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“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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InvisibleNickoloxious
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26786462 - 06/27/20 08:25 AM (7 days, 3 hours ago)

Quote:

DJ Ed said:
taking mushrooms when it was inappropriate to do so




Basically My first mushroom trip in a nutshell. :lol:


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: Nickoloxious]
    #26786504 - 06/27/20 08:45 AM (7 days, 3 hours ago)

Haha what a ride lol. Never taken them at school or college, but have been “caught out” many times. Once had the night off as my daughter was at a school disco, and my wife was up at the school.

Or so I thought. All the mums had gone over the road into the pub while the children were discoing. But my daughter got sick and school tried to ring mum; but none of the women had a phone signal in the pub.

So yes, the head of the school rang my mobile nd asked me to come and get my daughter. I managed to get my sh1t together, drive (yes, drive!!!) up to the school, then have a conversation with the head mistress.

F*ck me bro, it was a tough one :eek:

Take care
DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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InvisibleNickoloxious
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26786517 - 06/27/20 08:55 AM (7 days, 2 hours ago)

Damn that sounds like a tight situation. Glad you made it safely though. The thought of driving while on a heavy trip gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Quote:

DJ Ed said:
Take care




You too bro! :cool:


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: Nickoloxious]
    #26786541 - 06/27/20 09:11 AM (7 days, 2 hours ago)

It was about a mile, and not on a main road, and I was past the peak. But all the same, I’d like to think I’d never have to do that again :notreadyforthis:

❤️


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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InvisibleNickoloxious
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26786580 - 06/27/20 09:34 AM (7 days, 2 hours ago)

Hopefully so.
:rollsafe:


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Offlinemicrobiome88
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Re: Trying to make sense of it all [Re: Nickoloxious]
    #26801898 - 07/03/20 07:36 PM (16 hours, 15 minutes ago)

Quote:

Nickoloxious said:

While experiencing all that I was. I was reminded of an event that had taken place several years ago. Where I witnessed my ex girlfriend go completely psychotic from a strong dose of mushrooms. She had a bit of a psychiatric history so in hindsight it was probably a terrible idea to give her such a large dose. But I just remembered her screams, the fear in her eyes, the irrationality of how she was speaking and the delusions she was proclaiming right in front of me, the paramedics taking her away, how the following day she broke down in tears describing the nightmarish things she experienced and the delusions she had. even though this happened years ago I still felt some guilt about that day. Though I felt reassured that my mind was stable enough to not succumb to a similar episode.




I feel you mate. That experience wouldve been agony for you.

I lament that my missus has a FHx of schizophrenia and so we can't experiment with psychedelics together. She and I are independently resolute that she should never try them as its not worth the risk - and yeah I would never be able to forgive myself if I soiled her mind.

I had a truckload of subs earlier this week and worked myself up into a panic that I had cooked myself and had sentenced my missus and family to the life-long care of a dribbling fool. So I feel that too.

Its baffling that some inexplicable particular pattern of serotonin agonism that occurs on a particular day *decides* to rifle through the filing cabinet of your past and smack you in the face with your shit, huh?


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Mushrooms, Mycology and Psychedelics >> The Psychedelic Experience >> Trip Reports

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