Home | Community | Message Board

World Seed Supply
This site includes paid links. Please support our sponsors.


Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! You are experiencing a small sample of what the site has to offer. Please login or register to post messages and view our exclusive members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, file attachments, board customizations, encrypted private messages, and much more!

Shop: PhytoExtractum Buy Bali Kratom Powder   Left Coast Kratom Buy Kratom Capsules   Bridgetown Botanicals Bridgetown Botanicals   Original Sensible Seeds Autoflowering Cannabis Seeds   Kraken Kratom Buy Kratom Powder & Leaf   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

Jump to first unread post Pages: 1
OfflineEnvix
Avoidant Disorder
 User Gallery


Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 18,206
Last seen: 10 months, 12 days
I am back * 2
    #26615423 - 04/20/20 01:41 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

What's up shroomery. happy 420

it's been a while since i've hung out here and truth is i've been isolating from the world wayyy before the quarantine. online and offline. so i figured i'd do what i did when i was in this same situation 10 years ago. reach out to the shroomery to fill the void of lonliness and regain some sense of self and who i see myself to be. and of course be reunited with my lovely community of psychonuts.

not much has changed since 10 years ago. a lot has happened in between, but i'm pretty much still in the same place in terms of my living situation. just turned 29 and still have no idea what i'm doing with my life. i was pursuing programming as a career from age 20 to 25 but fell off when i started having trouble finding work in the field and ended up working retail and dishwashing jobs the past 4 years. now i don't even know what i would put on an IT resume considering the 4 year job gap. i had trouble as it was when there wasnt a job gap, and feel like i'd have better odds if i had no experience at all...

Who am I:
a little backstory into who i am in real life. i avoid social contact like the plague, which is funny now considering it's the cool thing to do these days.

but anyway after a certain point of dreams being crushed from false hope, losing good jobs, hundreds of job applications and interviews, time after time of getting rejected from good opportunities after having been convinced by an interviewer that i had it in the bag... i started drinking a lot. a LOT, and doing a lot of stupid shit and making people hate me and hating myself the whole time, pushing people away and avoiding contact with anybody and everybody, especially those who have tried to get close to me.

since the alcoholism my depression and anxiety had gotten so bad i phased out all my hobbies, quit listening to music, and would just go to work and fuck off when i got home i'd just lay in bed and watch youtube until i passed out. and thats be my life. i would even avoid eating and since moving back home would often go days without eating just because i couldn't be bothered to get up and go to the kitchen and get something to eat because then i would be reminded that i'm 29 and living with my parents and have to confront that fact every time they speak to me. even the rare time i feel a little spark of inspiration to do something creative or study i stop shortly after with the crushing thought that everything i produce is garbage and that i have no idea where to start or begin. i would be bombarded with all these feelings i couldnt understand masquerading as anxiety and depression, and it would leave me paralyzed.

i've gotten a good therapist, gone to rehab twice, was on probation for 2 years, and am currently finishing up the process of paying off all my debt.

My Journey to Sobriety:
i first began taking kratom when i quit alcohol after realizing it eliminated all the withdrawal symptoms. at some point i stopped taking kratom too, going to the gym, even got a cool lil freelance wordpress gig/online contract work that lasted a few months. but of course life happened and i relapsed, kept losing jobs. got clean again, this time got addicted to kratom and was taking kratom daily for a year.

i tried quitting kratom multiple times in the past year and failed because i couldnt handle the overwhelming depression and anxiety, and the restless leg syndrome after a couple days. besides the RLS, i wouldn't consider it being withdrawals actually, more like what my current default mindset was at the time that i was trying to escape from. i am now 3 days off kratom and haven't experienced any of that whatsoever. actually i feel more happy, free and content as i can ever remember being. despite being in the same situation. nothing has changed.

The Tipping Point:
i'm not sure what it is. it could be one of two things i think. it could be the back pain from after i fucked up my back getting out of a car the other day and i haven't had the mental bandwidth to be depressed and anxious when i'm having this crazy back pain to deal with constantly. yesterday at work i was pushing carts and my back hurt so bad i had to stop and take a breather. i did some wim hoff breathing thing and stretched to the sky and crunched in and i swear i mustve activated my pineal gland or somthin because i started trippin. it was like huffing nitrous or some sht. my awareness shifted to a dimension behind reality, i got a glimpse outside of the matrix and was looking in from the outside and could clearly tell the difference between it and the simulation. i don't know what caused it or if it was because i embraced the pain so hard that i crossed over to the other side where bliss is, and the feeling hasn't really gone away tho the back pain has. i determined immediately that i would much rather deal with physical pain on a daily basis than mental/emotional pain. at least physical pain is MANAGEABLE.

so it could be that or it could be because i cried for the first time the other day, after finding out big worm died. i cant remember the last time i ever cried sober, i dont think i ever have. but anyway ever since it's like my anxiety and depression are gone. like completely gone. and i'm not even on anything. i've been smoking weed all month and started taking cbd oil a couple weeks ago but i've tried quitting kratom since then and it was always the same - crazy anxiety/depression after a day without it. this time it's been 3 days and it's like this mental fog has been lifted.

all my life i've struggled with insecurities and to some extent derealization/depersonalization and an inability to really feel tuned into the world and notice my own feelings. the depression was getting out of control and i never wanted to get on ssris or gabapentin or any of that crap. kratom worked well enough but now i don't need it. my mental baggage has now been dropped and my emotional constipation is now gone after a decade of this massive clump of shit growing inside of my heart has been finally shitted out and wiped clean.



that's the only two explanations i can think of. and i feel guilty if it is the second one because i dont want to feel like it took the death of a loved one for me to finally become self loved/ be free from the mental prison i'd been trapped in and reach the third level of maslow's hierarchy. like, what's going on? i was sad, and after this thought i was supposed to be sadder. but I'm now starting to feel all sorts of new emotions i am unfamiliar with and it's like for the first time in a LONG time i actually feel some sense of purpose, instead of just meandering around aimlessly. i'm still at lvl fucking 0 and a loser but i think this could be the start of something good for me. a clean mindframe and some peace of mind.

anyway that's a bit of a peak into my life and what i've been up to these days.

what's goin on with you guys?


--------------------
smack a hoe out this dimension
continue my ascension
-bhad bhabie

rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b


Edited by Envix (04/20/20 03:29 PM)


Extras: Filter Print Post Top
InvisibleThe Blind Ass
Bodhi
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,731
Loc: The Primordial Mind
Re: I am back [Re: Envix] * 1
    #26615461 - 04/20/20 01:59 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I can promise you one thing only.  If you stay sober from opiates just in the 1 timeless moment of your life, the memory of all of its hell - heaven induced nightmare quality is brings to ones life will fade till it all seemed like a bad dream or bad trip you had when you were a kid.

You return to normal homeostasis as if by magic, by virtue of your own primordial nature, and all the symptoms from taking the stuff, and the symptoms from stopping taking the stuff (after real dependence set in) , will - before you know it - gradually yet suddenly retreat into unreality and you will be completely you again - back in the Goldilocks natural setting of your birth rite.  A healthy sleep hygiene and pattern, healthy food eating diet and pattern, and healthy exercise pattern  + general wholesome lifestyle will greatly expedite the process of your return to health in body and mind.  I’ve been there in the past, and I tried and tried to get back to my natural state, and I failed a hundred times over, but I didn’t stop and now I’m 4 years + free (with only 2 times of singular ingestion ever in that time) to me life’s like some mysterious pure form of magic - and that includes the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Take care of You.  And in just a couple months, what I said will concretize for you. ( and yes a was a miserable recluse like Gollum from lord of the rings till I dropped my ring in the fires of mount doom, now I’m still me, but take the middle path for a semblance of balance in all things )

  Not to seek the truth outside ourselves, so we may instantly enter the right way!

It takes what it takes, and that’s enough unless you want to Further explore the infinite depths of human suffering.  I rather not..., and I applaud you for every second of your efforts.  Be only true to you and just don’t pick up a class of drugs that will awaken any slumbering dragon, and you win. 

Welcome back to the strange and wonderful family of the Human Race.  Do it because it’s right, because it’s good, because it’s noble and honors the memory of everyone you ever held dear to see your natural dispensation shine like stainless sunbeams.

Welcome Back,





We think of the key,
each in his prison thinking of the key,
each confirms a prison.

T.S Eliot, The Waste Land

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

T.S.Eliot, Little Gidding


ya


--------------------
Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps


Edited by The Blind Ass (04/20/20 02:09 PM)


Extras: Filter Print Post Top
InvisibleSalomon
ಠ︵ಠ balance ಠ_ಠ weaver ಠ‿ಠ
Male
Registered: 01/17/09
Posts: 25,128
Loc: America, FUCK YEAH Flag
Re: I am back [Re: Envix] * 1
    #26615474 - 04/20/20 02:03 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I just got 16 menthol jewl pods and a 1000mg CBD pen. Tucked away skrill for more holiday things:awehigh:

Waiting on a  half an ounce of weed and if I didn't work tomorrow morning, I would be on LSD and balls deep in my bottle of Jack.

Whatever, I gotta feed the fam some how...

Just refilled a few scripts, so loaded for the month with some level out thangs.


I've always liked you envix. I'm sorry it took so long for you to get sober. Despite how recluse you are, I'm always happy to see you post.

I don't even know what to say about worm.

Just.... Heavy. I am usually right there saying my peace, but it's hard to lose another OG.


Stay sane my friend.


--------------------
EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY BECOMES A DESERT



Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Offlinewrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy
Male User Gallery


Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,678
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 4 hours, 17 minutes
Re: I am back [Re: Envix] * 1
    #26615553 - 04/20/20 02:27 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

i remember the screen name, welcome back! sorry i'm not much for advice, but i can relate with a lot of what you're going through. one thing i can say though, is exercise. do it. i feel so much better about myself the more active i am.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


Extras: Filter Print Post Top
OfflineEnvix
Avoidant Disorder
 User Gallery


Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 18,206
Last seen: 10 months, 12 days
Re: I am back [Re: The Blind Ass]
    #26615586 - 04/20/20 02:42 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

The Blind Ass said: Welcome back to the strange and wonderful family of the Human Race.  Do it because it’s right, because it’s good, because it’s noble and honors the memory of everyone you ever held dear to see your natural dispensation shine like stainless sunbeams.




wow, i dont know what to say. that was beautiful. exactly what i needed to hear right now, thank you. :heart:

Quote:

Salomon said: I just got 16 menthol jewl pods and a 1000mg CBD pen. Tucked away skrill for more holiday things




nice man. yea i started taking cbd (2000mg vaping + sublingually) and i can't tell if it's actually doin something of if it's just placebo but i definitely am noticing some slight difference in the feelsgood department. it's also been helping me cut back on nicotine.

Quote:

wrestler_az said: i remember the screen name, welcome back! sorry i'm not much for advice, but i can relate with a lot of what you're going through. one thing i can say though, is exercise. do it. i feel so much better about myself the more active i am.



i remember your name too! And avatar. yes exercise, i have some weights at home i can use, and i just bought a body length mirror i really need to get back into it. even just stretching alone makes me feel so much better after i can only imagine what a full on workout could do for me


--------------------
smack a hoe out this dimension
continue my ascension
-bhad bhabie

rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b


Edited by Envix (04/20/20 09:34 PM)


Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Jump to top Pages: 1

Shop: PhytoExtractum Buy Bali Kratom Powder   Left Coast Kratom Buy Kratom Capsules   Bridgetown Botanicals Bridgetown Botanicals   Original Sensible Seeds Autoflowering Cannabis Seeds   Kraken Kratom Buy Kratom Powder & Leaf   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order


Similar ThreadsPosterViewsRepliesLast post
* Jesus dont want ME for a sunbeam! Damnit! DeadPhan 424 0 10/31/05 10:22 PM
by DeadPhan
* anxiety???
( 1 2 all )
desufnoC 5,377 30 12/11/07 10:55 PM
by desufnoC
* Anxiety-Doctors Appointment soon
( 1 2 all )
402Camaro 5,268 32 12/31/08 02:32 AM
by AloneInKyoto27
* I honestly think that I have anxiety. *DELETED* Coffee 2,056 18 01/23/09 06:44 PM
by jazzillion
* Stainless steel rust? Almond Flour 865 8 03/29/09 04:21 PM
by makaveli8x8
* Has Celexa helped any of you for anxiety? HoleSnype 1,635 12 07/22/08 09:16 PM
by Nunbuh_Chrubble
* MDMA in conjunction with Generalized anxiety/Bi Polar dybran25 1,228 5 09/16/06 08:57 PM
by longtimegone
* Kratom..
( 1 2 all )
RonaldFuckingPaul 2,934 29 01/05/08 12:06 AM
by Wysefool

Extra information
You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics
HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled
Moderator: Entire Staff
92 topic views. 8 members, 47 guests and 44 web crawlers are browsing this forum.
[ Show Images Only | Sort by Score | Print Topic ]
Search this thread:

Copyright 1997-2024 Mind Media. Some rights reserved.

Generated in 0.021 seconds spending 0.005 seconds on 12 queries.