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Anonymous #1
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Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed?
#26612961 - 04/19/20 12:48 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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My husband and I have been smoking weed on and off for the last ten years together. We had a baby, and Ive stopped having cannabis altogether out of concern for CPS involvement. We live in a state where cannabis is legal. However, we have heard tell that the local CPS is highly corrupt and targets stoners nonetheless. (We also have shiity neighbors that have threatened to call CPS because they know my husband smokes.) Its a huge bummer for me, but the tradeoff is that I either get to smoke weed when the kids are in bed, or my baby gets breastmilk instead of formula. My husband presented me with the research on milk vs formula, and it was no longer a choice. Im looking at atleast six months before I can wean him, so here I am bitching about not being able to smoke...
It isnt too difficult most of the time, if I haven't had a generally shitty day. The only time it feels crushing is when my husband walks in the house reeking of weed. The sweet skunky turpines invade my mind and I feel like Gollum obsessed with the ring; all my thought is bent on it...
I want to not smell weed anymore, but it feels selfish to ask my husband to stop.
Ive been waiting for these feelings to go away, but it has been over a month now and not getting any better.
Edited by Anonymous (04/19/20 12:48 PM)
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AroundtheSon
Learning to See



Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 4,427
Loc: Midwest.
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26613024 - 04/19/20 01:24 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Yes and no. You folks are a team, eh? Communication can solve many problems. It is difficult for a man to receive that discussion though, especially if he has used much of his life.
If it only about the smell and not some other thing he does, that should be an easy fix and hopefully he has enough respect for you to wash up before lounging.
Talk but listen more.
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Double


Registered: 05/03/19
Posts: 796
Loc:
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: AroundtheSon]
#26613088 - 04/19/20 02:12 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
AroundtheSon said: Yes and no. You folks are a team, eh? Communication can solve many problems. It is difficult for a man to receive that discussion though, especially if he has used much of his life.
If it only about the smell and not some other thing he does, that should be an easy fix and hopefully he has enough respect for you to wash up before lounging.
Talk but listen more.
This.
Like aroundtheson said, you guys are a team. Has he tried edibles?
For example, alcohol is very hard to quit, but if my wife was pregnant, I think it would be sensible and fair for both parents to quit - out of solidarity, ya know?
You are a family and a team,
Good luck!
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Babylon
Shaman


Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 442
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Double]
#26614206 - 04/20/20 01:34 AM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. He should be willing to quit for a while with you.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26619976 - 04/22/20 12:29 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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I wish people would drop the idea that selfish is inherently a bad thing.
You know what happens when people aren't first invested in their self interested? They become a shell of a person. Might as well be a computer program, waiting to execute any command but having nothing you would initiate yourself.
Selfishness and selflessness can't truly exist in absolutes. You have to balance the 2 and learn which should be applied.
It is in the interest of yourself and your family for your husband not to smoke, from this perspective. Is that selfish? Yeah, but it's also a very valid concern that should be further explored and not initially in any way bad or corrupt. You're concerned for your child and, I'm sure, it bothers you that you can't participate. Pretty natural human form of selfishness, not super bad or corrupt. That's just you being human, so stop feeling bad about it. Especially if you haven't lashed out over it.
But you might be able to compromise. That's what a partnership is all about. Compromise and communication. Ask him to only smoke at a friends house, or something.
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Free time is the only time
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flugelizor
Furious ball of nothing


Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 2,107
Loc: Western NY
Last seen: 5 hours, 29 minutes
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26620515 - 04/22/20 04:42 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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It's a tough situation. I think your reasoning is sound, but...
I guess like everyone on this site, he probably doesn't appreciate being told what to do. The word "stoner" implies it's part of who you are. Like telling a vegetarian to eat meat. OK, enough with the dramatic simile.
Maybe you could settle on him keeping it on the down low. It works for parent / child relationships around the world. That's my unspoken agreement with my wife. I'm not happy, neither is she, but we make it work.
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Double


Registered: 05/03/19
Posts: 796
Loc:
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26621141 - 04/22/20 10:09 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Its complicated.. relationships are based on compromise over compromise over COMPROMISE.
This,
Quote:
flugelizor said: Maybe you could settle on him keeping it on the down low. It works for parent / child relationships around the world.
And this...
Quote:
CookieCrumbs said: But you might be able to compromise. That's what a partnership is all about. Compromise and communication. Ask him to only smoke at a friends house, or something.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Double]
#26624085 - 04/24/20 07:44 AM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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You're overreacting OP. They can call whoever they want, if you're doing legal things within reason there is no reason for anything to happen. You have a neighbor and paranoia problem more than a husband problem so maybe consider that it's not his fault that you feel the way you do. If selfishness isn't inherently a bad thing like it's been said then why doesn't that apply to him? Dad's and mom's have different rrsponsibilities, that's normal. I see no reason why he shouldn't be able to smoke just because you're feeling one way. Honestly, just suck it up and leave the guy alone. I'm sure if the tables were turned he'd leave you alone because that's what a good partner does. It's like if i went on a diet and my wife was eating cake. I wouldn't be like "OMG! That cake is making me sad! Stop eating things that make me sad plz ok?!?!" No. It's called willpower. I'm a father btw, who smoked plenty through a time where they were young and the pot was still illegal. If you wanna tell him to stop smoking though be my guest, I'm sure your relationship would love the extra stress right now. When you have a baby is the best time to do that!(sarcasm) Don't take family advice from single people with no kids.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26626804 - 04/25/20 10:28 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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You are not selfish for quitting weed to breastfeed your child. Your concern about CPS is valid considering everything you’ve said in this post.
You are a team. You quit weed for your child. He can quit weed for you.
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Anonymous #4
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Anonymous #2]
#26631819 - 04/27/20 09:51 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #2 said: You're overreacting OP. They can call whoever they want, if you're doing legal things within reason there is no reason for anything to happen. You have a neighbor and paranoia problem more than a husband problem so maybe consider that it's not his fault that you feel the way you do. If selfishness isn't inherently a bad thing like it's been said then why doesn't that apply to him? Dad's and mom's have different rrsponsibilities, that's normal. I see no reason why he shouldn't be able to smoke just because you're feeling one way. Honestly, just suck it up and leave the guy alone. I'm sure if the tables were turned he'd leave you alone because that's what a good partner does. It's like if i went on a diet and my wife was eating cake. I wouldn't be like "OMG! That cake is making me sad! Stop eating things that make me sad plz ok?!?!" No. It's called willpower. I'm a father btw, who smoked plenty through a time where they were young and the pot was still illegal. If you wanna tell him to stop smoking though be my guest, I'm sure your relationship would love the extra stress right now. When you have a baby is the best time to do that!(sarcasm) Don't take family advice from single people with no kids.
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Alyssa
consecrated woman ✝️

Registered: 11/25/14
Posts: 1,517
Last seen: 4 days, 22 hours
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26643716 - 05/02/20 01:19 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Unpopular as fuck opinion: consciousness expansion goes hand in hand with childless by choice. Avoiding any risk of pregnancy is always a top priority item. Parents (moms and dads, all y'all knock-up-and-fuck-off males got it?) better get used to being robots working the sober system to provide the physical necessities of life until the children of the world start a revolt to emancipate themselves. Blow your neurology to smithereens on drugs in 18 years.
(I'm aware my discourse will be promptly flushed down the shitcan. As with all Alyssa posts, it's about saying it when no one else has, not about being listened to.)
-------------------- I'm Alyssa. I'm consecrated to the Immaculate Heart. I don't want her to have to look at adultery to save my privileged living cells, so please keep it PG-13.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Anonymous #3]
#26643806 - 05/02/20 01:58 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #3 said: You are not selfish for quitting weed to breastfeed your child. Your concern about CPS is valid considering everything you’ve said in this post.
You are a team. You quit weed for your child. He can quit weed for you.
It's not valid at all. And I'm sorry are you assuming he's done nothing during this ordeal of having a child? Do you realize that teams have different positions with different responsibilities? It's not his fault he doesn't have a pussy. I know how much some people like to pretend that's a fact though, lol. "Our neighbor has decided the LAW! Please do as he says or we will lose child!!!!!!" Totally valid.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: Is it selfish to ask my husband to quit smoking weed? [Re: Anonymous #2]
#26644226 - 05/02/20 05:24 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Nosey neighbors can and do make life hell. Especially when there's an authority figure who would help them. Personally I would move the fuck away from both but people rarely can just move overnight when they have a family.
Don't know what you're on about with responsibility though. Unless you're implying somehow that the father doesn't have to be around the child so he can do drugs but the mother can't.
Edit: not to say op isn't being paranoid. Might be, might not be. New parents often are but cps is an organization that varies by alot from place to place.
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Free time is the only time
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