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Anonymous #1
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Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. 2
#26599164 - 04/13/20 10:02 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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I didn't realize it was anxiety until the last few years. Called 20+ doctors but they wouldn't see me because I have no insurance except Medicaid. They were either not accepting or I didn't "qualify". I finally got an appointment with this one cheap hospital for the poor and had to wait over 3 months for the appointment.
I am petrified of doctors and don't trust them at all. Had someone close to me, when I was in my teens, kill herself 2 weeks after being put on medication and she was a nurse for 30+ years. I have many other reasons to not trust them but that's the biggest one. Each time I made a call or two because I start having anxiety attacks all day after asking for help that I feel like I don't deserve and being declined or told to just go to the ER and check in as suicidal. So I was relieved a bit once I had an appointment made.
Day before the appointment a few weeks ago, I called to confirm. It was cancelled because of the COVID shit.. I was given the option to reschedule an additional few months later. I panicked and I'm not sure really what I said honestly but I declined.
I struggle with breathing most days/nights, am constantly dissociating from my body in a lot of situations, struggle to eat because my body is so tense and I always feel like puking and if I'm around people I feel like they're all watching me and think that I'm guilty for stealing or killing someone or even other weird shit. My list of symptoms is so long that I really don't even remember them all because I keep trying to forget them. I've tried to explain it before and the best way I can describe it is I always feel like I'm about to get hit by a car.
I just was working at Subway for like.. 5 months? It was fucking hell. Dissociating in between every action and sometimes asking the same question 5 times. I'm 26 and I can't even handle working at Subway any more. Weed was helping me but now it isn't. I feel like it helps a lot when my anxiety is sort of manageable, but then when it's extreme it might make it worse. Especially my breathing.
I just really don't know if I can take it anymore. I'm staying with my sister right now and I fucking hate it. I freaked out yesterday and screamed that I just want to fucking die over absolutely nothing. Had a huge desire to jump out of the car while it was moving. She's too awesome for that kind of shit. I hate that I make her worry so much..
I just want my mind to not be in a constant panic. For like 2 weeks. I need a break.
Please just give me encouragement or similar situations and not just "get the fuck over it" comments, because I'm done hearing people act like I'm just making this anxiety problem up. I try every day to relax and to breathe and to not freak out. Maybe not as much as I should, but I fucking try.
I'm sober right now and haven't smoked weed for several days. Haven't done anything else for a long time.
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Whyterye



Registered: 02/23/18
Posts: 1,218
Loc: Colorado
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#26599254 - 04/13/20 11:14 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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I hope you feel better friend .
Edited by Whyterye (09/04/20 11:23 PM)
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance



Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Whyterye] 4
#26601466 - 04/14/20 07:45 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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I've been there, man. For me, running or swimming would help my anxiety. Seemed to get rid of some of the excess energy that my anxiety created. I exercised into exhaustion and sometimes I'd go for even 2 jogs in the same day. Eating sugar seemed to make things worse, and caffeine was terrible for me. Diet can be crucial - no pressure to become a health nut or anything but something you may want to consider.
I spent some time in a mental hospital and they gave me anti-anxiety meds but those just turned me into a zombie so I wouldn't recommend them. Plus, they can be very addictive.
Any experience with meditation? It might help ground you a bit. Weed ended up making my anxiety much worse and I don't fuck with it anymore. I think it would be wise to see how far you can take this sobriety thing and if you're at all able spend some time in nature. The forest gives off good energies.
Good luck man, anxiety is rough. I still suffer from it but it's more manageable now.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: EternalCowabunga] 1
#26601713 - 04/14/20 10:09 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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I've been sober besides weed for a year or more. Well besides like 2 weeks of heroin about a year ago, because it's the best vacation from my mind (I know, not cool.. but those two weeks were the most peaceful 2 weeks of last year). I'm really bad at keeping track of time and am kind of terrified of thinking about my past these last several years because I've just been failing over and over. Sometimes a week feels like 2 months and 1 year feels like a week.
I try meditating almost daily. It helps sometimes or it drives me into my mind more and I panic into a rage.
Sugar definitely is the Devil to me. Same with carbs but not as much. Sometimes my anxiety lessens for a week and I forget about it, then I fuck up and eat a little too much sugar and wake up not breathing. Which really sucks because most the time I struggle badly with eating because of the tightness of my body and sugar is the only thing that sounds pleasurable. I have puked a lot of food out, not sure if it's because I have so little in my stomach or if it's just my anxiety or whatever.
Honestly I need to start working out bad. It's just so much work trying to make sure every hour that I don't mess up and go into panic attacks. And I'll have a couple days a month where it isn't destroying me and I forget about it and I feel like I have the opposite of anxiety. I'll be so relieved that I don't have anxiety and go make 10 new friends only to be a creature the next day/week and the next time I see them I'm 100% a different person. Almost every day hourly I feel like it's different and I never really understand what is helping.
I'm gonna do some push ups now because just typing this is making me freak the fuck out.
I was good before I started typing. It's to the point where I try to just not think of anything most the time and avoid everyone because I'm afraid that my mind will be lost again.
I did go for a long walk today with my dog and that was good, but after I got home I couldn't breathe for like an hour because everything locked up again.
Sorry for complaining. I'm just honestly always trying to figure out how this works.
I've spent a long time running away from everything because when I become homeless and am forced to change everything and move every second, I feel better for a couple weeks/months. But it's getting to the point where I can't even stand being homeless or being a drifter anymore and that's why I'm back at my sister's.. She loves having me but I hate it because it makes me feel like such a piece of shit to live with her. I've been here for like.. 6 months and I really want to leave soon. I'm trying hard to fight these feelings but it sounds nice.
Thank you for your input. ❤️ Keep fighting.
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance



Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#26601836 - 04/15/20 12:02 AM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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I don't see it as complaining, just expressing yourself 
It's understandable that you don't know what is working and what isn't. There will inevitably be some trial and error as you find a path out of the chaos. I was never homeless but my life used to be pretty chaotic and my mind felt like a maze..
I had the struggling to breath thing too. Damn, it really sucked. Sometimes spending time in the forest helped. I remember one time listening to a guided meditation and finally it felt like I could breath again for the first time in a long time. Then it went back to pretty bad. I recall drinking a lot of tea to try and relax and ease my anxiety.
I spent 6 months in my parents basement, never leaving the house because I became agoraphobic and I had no idea how to fight what I was feeling. My body was so tense that lying down in bed just felt unnatural. I was so depressed that people who met me thought I must have recently lost a close family member. It felt like I was going to be like this forever and I was pretty hopeless.
I used to be part of this mental health group at a kind of safe space organization and one session the woman running the group asked if anyone had questions about mental health and this guy asked "How do I get out of this? And how do I make it faster?" The woman had no response. I was pretty disappointed too because I had the same question.
I have to be honest, I honestly don't really know how I got out of that mental place. In the end I believe it didn't even come down to a conscious choice or decision, I just tried a bunch of different shit and starting finding a way into a better place. If I could make it from the depths of agoraphobia and complete hopelessness I believe you can too. I believe it's just a matter of time.
I would keep meditating and trying to ground yourself in your immediate environment. Engage with all your senses. Practice letting go of thoughts because it is usually thoughts that dictate how our mental state is. When you meditate, have faith that you are breathing in positive energy and breathing out negative energy. In fact, having faith in general right now is a good idea. Keep walking the dog. Take care of yourself.
You got this And I'm here for you if you need to chat, just send me a PM.
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Edited by EternalCowabunga (04/15/20 12:18 AM)
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AroundtheSon
Learning to See



Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 4,427
Loc: Midwest.
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Anonymous #1] 3
#26611063 - 04/18/20 05:16 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Perhaps you have tried it all, but here is a short therapy list (I realize some may not apply to you specifically, but perhaps for future readers):
Mindfulness/Meditation (focus on what is real, and present in the moment - future and past do not concern you) Diet ( no sugar / limited carbs ) Chelated magnesium / electrolytes / *water Exercise Deep breathing Quit all drugs - cigarettes too Anxiety is typically about the future, or some unknown something. Have no fear. Get faith / some sort of mantra maybe Exercise, again. Good sleep. No caffeine. Stay busy. Keep your hands moving. Guitar. Piano. Masturbate until chafed. Explore the thoughts that cause you anxiety. thoughts are thoughts. pop them. Your brain is typically full of shit - planning for a catastrophe that may never come - you are still alive today aren't you. How fortunate. This is your evidence. Most of what we expect to happen never does, and when it does, it's usually not as bad as you thought it would be. If it's worse, you are dead. How fortunate.
It's okay to have a little anxiety. Anxiety can channeled into productivity. Worried about having enough food - use energy to walk to store. Worried about money - use energy to work. Anxiety (or the feelings we commonly associate with this construct) can sometimes signal a health issue. I don't say that to cause more anxiety about 'what if?' but if you have tried the aforementioned, and provide yourself some cognitive therapy (maybe with a trusted friend), and still can't conquer your anxiety - maybe you could see a doctor.
I know I am simplifying, and I apologize. I don't mean to take your anxiety lightly. I know it can be debilitating. Still, the treatments are the same whether you are an aspiring buddha or a nervous nelly.
Lastly, and I say this lightly, because it's not a panacea as the kids would have you believe, some folks find relief in mushrooms. I assume it's safe to say that given that you are posting here (and presumably have interest). I can't say that it will make you feel less anxious during the exposure, but with relative confidence, if you have a cornerstone, are of reasonable mind, and open to correction - you may find what you are looking for. So much of what makes people anxious has been eliminated from my life. I really only worry about losing my best friend/lover (because I can be a dick), and the governor. Both of which I can influence in some way. Power over something reduces anxiety, and if you have no power over it - you need not be anxious - amirite?
If you want some more light reading, google cognitive distortions. The list contains several "errors" the brain makes which ultimately lead to suffering. Catch yourself making the errors (you listen to yourself, right? if not, wake the fuck up)., and correct them. Do this, and do it well, and you know the essential elements of a popular therapeutic technique (CBT).
I will wait patiently for Mark the Gnostic to provide a more coherent and succinct response. I kid, I kid, he is a really smart person, and I like to read what he says.
Whichever way your pleasure tends!
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AroundtheSon
Learning to See



Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 4,427
Loc: Midwest.
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#26611076 - 04/18/20 05:22 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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I hope the push-ups helped.
I read your post more carefully. I was born cross-eyed.
Might try laying off the weed. Might experience some more anxiety in the short-term, but it is not helping you. Consider smoking popular CBD varietals if you just like to burn the herb. I get you. CBD provides some anxiety relief too.
Laying off smoking might help with breathing too.
Honestly, from the little you wrote, it seems pretty textbook...little breath and using herb which causes a lot of folks anxiety as they age (I know, being a teenager was great).
So, your prescription - clean up your input, exercise, breath as deeply and as mindful as possible. Focusing on the breath helps reduce the noise of thoughts (which help to exacerbate anxiety).
I truly hope you are doing well.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: AroundtheSon]
#26611307 - 04/18/20 07:14 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Hell yeah, I've been doing better. Kind of. Not really. I've been trying and doing better with exercising and meditating but my anxiety is still hit or miss through out the day. I'll read about the cognitive distortions.
As for weed, I haven't smoked in.. almost two weeks now? And before that I was only smoking before bedtime for a couple weeks.
I do nicotine pouches usually and smoke cigs sometimes. I'm slowing down fast but I'm afraid to stop cold turkey because in the past it makes me very violent for a while. I'm with my sister now and I don't need her or her kids to see me like that. And I've always been afraid of exploding on her husband because I've wanted to beat his ass too many times in the past. So if he tells me to cool down, I might not be nice.
I am checking into a hospital as suicidal later this week though and that should help me stay away from nicotine. Thank you for your thoughtful response and I'll read it again when my mind isn't racing. Right now it's acting up again.
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DoneKildatReason
Chemical in the body



Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 1,061
Loc: Green Country
Last seen: 11 days, 2 hours
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26623609 - 04/23/20 11:00 PM (3 years, 9 months ago) |
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Just reading your post, a little late. I hope everything is going okay. Maybe you did check into hospital, or maybe not.... either way I hope you're good. I have more to say, but will only say one thing for now - it is so important to forgive yourself, and not to beat yourself up, for anything. Anything past, or current.... or especially future-beating of self for things that haven't yet happened. Best wishes
-------------------- This was an experiment.
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CJ-714
Stranger



Registered: 03/21/20
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#26632835 - 04/27/20 07:26 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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hey im not rly smart and i suck at saying whats in my head but some1 on here told me it helps to talk to ppl and it made me feel better cus he talks to me.. i can talk to u if u want and if its gunna help
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2Ape2
Master of Learning from Error


Registered: 04/07/20
Posts: 101
Loc: Geo-diverse
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#26634838 - 04/28/20 04:40 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said:
Sorry for complaining. I'm just honestly always trying to figure out how this works.
Definitely not complaining. Reaching out for help is *never* complaining.
So, I can identify with your experience on different levels. GAD and PTSD. Marijuana was a mixed blessing. More of a means to disconnect than true healing for me; I know others have much better success with it. It was to easy to fall into anxiety or paranoia when using. That is why I'm looking seriously into microdosing with psilocybin.
You've been fighting awhile. Trust me, it is worth the fight. I'd really encourage you to read up on microdosing. Stay strong and check in.
-------------------- If the misery of the poor be caused not by the laws of nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin. Sir Charles Darwin
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Az88
Stranger
Registered: 05/04/20
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Loc: Texas
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: 2Ape2] 1
#26648877 - 05/04/20 06:42 PM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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Best of luck in your journey. Anxiety is a bitch.
I sparingly use clonazepam/Wellbutrin and mushrooms to help my anxiety.
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Domno
Magician



Registered: 01/30/20
Posts: 216
Last seen: 10 months, 3 days
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Az88]
#26666109 - 05/12/20 09:16 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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If you are interested, I would like to recommend Emotional Freedom Technique, aka tapping. It usually takes minutes (or less) to ease negative emotions and works on a simelar principle to acupuncture but without the needles. I teach it often and use it constantly myself for stuff like, being pissed with my wife, stress from daily life, monkey mind at bedtime, or just feeling upset.
Two really great books are "the tapping solution" and "EFT for dummies", both of which I have seen at barnes and noble. The originator also put a ton of free videos and resources on his sight emofree .com/ or just google original EFT and they pop up first.
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Murzelpfrumpft
pet donkey in a lucid dream

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1,855
Last seen: 1 month, 27 days
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Re: Anxiety has been fucking me my whole life and I can't take it any more. [Re: Domno]
#26667870 - 05/13/20 02:36 AM (3 years, 8 months ago) |
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So this is all assuming your self diagnosis is correct and can help you greatly if so. However you need to get diagnosed by a good psychologist, not a pill pusher. They have considerably less reason to fuck you over because they cant prescribe medication and are experts in therapy. Psychiatrists, that means medical doctors, often rely far to much on pharmaceuticals.
However, I have considerable doubt that you only have anxiety. Dissociation seems rather affiliated with psychological trauma. This is much more complicated to handle than anxiety. The following is on how to Deal with anxiety and only that.
I've spent the last 8 years in a mental health profession (psychologist) and what I can tell you about anxiety for absolutely certain is:
Dont use drugs or medication, it's going to worsen your anxiety in the long run and run you into deep, chronic problems. Anxiety medication inherently masks your Anxiety, thats why it feels right, but it renders you unable to Deal with your Anxiety, which is the only way out of this.
You dont trust doctors? You are Kind of lucky. You dont need them. Lucky because anxiety is the only disorder you can treat on your own. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe treated his agoraphobia himself two hundred years ago, successfully. Read up in it.
The only way out of anxiety is so called exposition. Like every anxiety sufferer, you have avoided what caused you anxiety and this is the reason your mind never experienced the fact that nothing bad would have happened if you had consistently faced it. This is the root cause of your suffering.
I always say, if I had to suffer a mental disorder, I'd choose anxiety. Because it is One of the only disorders that is completely curable and will better massively within weeks if you do the right Things.
Theoretically easy, but practically hard:
What you have to do is think long and hard about what you are afraid of, write it down and start to face One of each anxiety inducing situations per day and slowly ramp it up.
It works like this: you experience a bout of anxiety because some Thing triggered it. If you break your habit of avoiding it and deliberatley face it, you will experience great discomfort, a beating heart and a need to run among other terrible feelings. Dont run, but consciously experience the Situation, maybe even just stranding there, until your heart slows down to normal, you stop sweating and your breathing eases.
Every time you run from a Situation, you feed you anxiety.
If you ramp up the exposition to your causes of anxiety gradually and successfully, you will become unbelievably less anxious in two weeks.
Its gonna be hard but you dont need no doctor nor drugs.
Try to interpret this message as great news, because they are.
Its gonna be hard practically, maybe much so, but you can save your life that way.
Read up on exposition therapy.
If you notice that you are unable to get this process starte yourself, pay a few hundred bucks to see a PSYCHOLOGIST to coach you into self lead exposition therapy and diagnose you professionally beforehand.
Let nobody tell you that you need drugs or a clinic for that - its untrue. If you follow this advice, you will experience great empowerment. Show your body that there is no reason to react this way.
I'd even coach you a little if you would Show readiness to self-expose to anxiety.
Get started and report back, it wont Harm you even though it feels bad at first.
Dont forget that your Problem may be much more complicated than a few isolated phobias and thus require professional help and guidance.
Edited by Murzelpfrumpft (05/13/20 03:10 AM)
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