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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 10 months
psychadelic depression
    #2659017 - 05/10/04 03:23 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Hey, a few days ago I had a really intense mescaline trip. This was my first real trip; I had taken mushrooms once before but it was really low intensity. I wouldn't say the mescaline was a really good or bad trip because there were many difficult times and many enjoyable ones too. However, throughout even the happiest parts I still felt uncomfortable and uneasy.
Now that I am back to baseline I feel a little low and a little over-sensitive to things. I keep contemplating the Void, ego loss, and my own existance etc. I have learned alot of interesting things but I am bothered by alot of the stuff I experienced. For some reason these thoughts are quite disconcerting and overwhelming.

I think in a few days I should feel alright, but I was wondering how to deal with the shocking truth I encountered in my trip. How do I make peace with the reality that I am a figment of my imagination, that my consiousness is all that exists, a movie where the main character can watch his/herseld in the movie, and that I am in a seperate subjective universe, isolated from everything else?
How can I draw comfort, or some kind of positive outlook from my experience? How do I come to terms with what I have seen and not be a nihilist?


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1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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Invisiblelukeboots
fresh futuristic
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Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 19,728
Loc: Grand Ole Operating Syste...
Re: psychadelic depression [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2659099 - 05/10/04 11:40 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

"How do I come to terms with what I have seen and not be a nihilist?"

sadly, after using psychadelics for a while, nihilism is exactly the path i've started to take :tongue:

what you're going through happens to a lot of us, and yes - it's scary. i often have the feeling that there's nothing out there, we're alone, nothing matters, etc etc.. but i use those thoughts and turn them into positive ideas - "stop taking yourself so seriously," "chill out, remember - this doesn't matter," etc..

i'm also on zoloft for depression, but i would wait a while before getting any meds if i was you.


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funky ass music: Planet of Dinosaurs // Rich Whiskey


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OfflineHBS
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Registered: 04/06/01
Posts: 42,528
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
Re: psychadelic depression [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2659304 - 05/10/04 01:24 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

coming to terms with it is the question everybody must ask for themself

when i was younger i used to be a heavy tripper ... i would trip up to twice a week for weeks in a row because i thought it was only going to help me ... even though most of the trips tended to err on the dark/negative side of things ...

there were a few trips which pushed me too far and seriously damaged me mentally ... damage may not be the RIGHT word but it best explains the condition i feel my mind is in ... i am hyper-sensitive to the point where i have to turn off the radio sometimes if a song sounds even slightly upsetting, because otherwise i react to it as though i had just ingested a psychedelic ... sometimes i can't function 'normally' because i am too caught up in thinking about existentialist-type philosophy ... etc ...

the last time i ingested a psychedelic was too long ago for me to remember, but unfortunately these types of side effects were not just 'lingering thoughts' and have become just a part of who i am ... sometimes i wish i had never gone this route, but i do feel that i was going to feel this way (to some extent) regardless of the use pf psychedelics ... they just accelerated the process ...

the good thing is that after a while these after effects DO calm down, but to expect new-found 'realizations' to just disappear is not rational ... the risk with psychedelics is opening doors to rooms with unknown contents ... when we all decided to ingest these substances we all were risking everything we were whether we knew it or not ...

and even if most of us did 'know it' by reading up on it, we didn't ACTUALLY know, because the psychedelic effect is way beyond what almost anybody can rationalize ...

if you need somebody to talk with you can PM me ... sometimes it can make you more at ease to speak with somebody who is like-minded about these troubling thoughts ...

feel better, you are not alone, by a long shot
_sean


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 8 years, 10 months
Re: psychadelic depression [Re: HB]
    #2659345 - 05/10/04 01:40 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

HB said:

and even if most of us did 'know it' by reading up on it, we didn't ACTUALLY know, because the psychedelic effect is way beyond what almost anybody can rationalize ...






This is exactly how I feel. Meditation, weed, philosophy and the Buddhist path all showed me a glimpse of the Void and infinity, but once I actually experienced it, and saw my ego break up into seperate individual personalities, and my thoughts become meaningless fractal rainbow paterns it realy hit home to the point I cannot ignore them or forget them. If I let myself I can almost disassociated from myself, like my life is a movie or something. It isn't too frightening, but makes me a little anxious.

Buddhists and Hindus believe in and experience all the things that we have through years of meditation. For them it is a very comforting and calming thing. Perhaps our western upbringing makes it too hard to embrace nothingness and non-being. I wonder why that knowledge is not comforting to me like it is to them.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,368
Loc: In the jungle
Re: psychadelic depression [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2659439 - 05/10/04 02:21 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Hi,

Quote:

Divided_Sky said:
Quote:

HB said:

and even if most of us did 'know it' by reading up on it, we didn't ACTUALLY know, because the psychedelic effect is way beyond what almost anybody can rationalize ...






This is exactly how I feel. Meditation, weed, philosophy and the Buddhist path all showed me a glimpse of the Void and infinity, but once I actually experienced it, and saw my ego break up into seperate individual personalities, and my thoughts become meaningless fractal rainbow paterns it realy hit home to the point I cannot ignore them or forget them.





I recently had my first ego-death experience on five dried grams this past weekend.  I'm still trying to find ways to grapple with what I have seen and learned.  What you described in the paragraph above of what happened to you, happened to me too, in similar ways.  I couldn't have described it any better.  I'm very perplexed as to "why" or "how"...I don't know.  I can't stop thinking about my ego-loss trip.  Sometimes it gets overwelming. 

But at the same time, I am so thankful I experienced it.  I'm trying to deal with the fear that I had during the trip.  Most of all, I (in contrast to how you are feeling, I think) I feel really good inside.  I feel confused, and bewildered, but I feel really happy after my ego-death experience.  Like it was something that was meant to happen to me. 

Maybe you could try and think of it the same way.  It's happened to you, you've been to infinity and back, now what can you do?  Try to live the best way you know how.  It doesn't mean you have to forget about what has happened.  In your heart and mind you'll probably never forget about it.  All I can suggest is, try to find acceptance in what you saw/experienced.  It's harder then it sounds, I know, because I'm dealing with the same thing right now.  Eventually, I think I will come to terms with my experience, just as you will eventually come to terms with yours.  In the meantime, just take life slow, and enjoy every moment you have. 

It sounds cliche, but I mean it sincerely.  :heart:

truly,


*me*


P.S.  Here is the thread in which I spoke about my ego-loss experience, and the responses that other shroomerites gave to me.  They really helped me out.  Maybe you'll find what they said helpful.


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InvisibleArmFromTheAbyss
Old Hand

Registered: 10/09/02
Posts: 1,364
Loc: Down here in Babylon
Re: psychadelic depression [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #2660308 - 05/10/04 06:36 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I know what you're talking about man. I was always existential but Psychedelics gave me a sense of gnosticism and propelled me way deeper. I always think about crazy things, and thats not what makes me distressed, it's returning back to this reality and it's many ignorant people.

Once the door really is opened in your mind it's probably too late to turn back. It's way harder on this side, but you're not alone. I would suggest finding as many people as you can that are like us. They can provide bountiful comfort, especially if they are your spouse/mate.  :heart: :smile:

Hang on man, strive for a form of Nirvana.  :laugh:


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