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Shroomery, what a cool bunch of people. All trying to grasp "the other". Best way I can explain it.
Time: 2:20AM Place: My bedroom Who: Me Salvia 13x
I had been drinking a bit that night. I have this strange feel to escape sobriety. I think I may be depressed. Although I don't know how to fully diagnose it. Anyways, I was drinking and alcohol was the most readily available drug. Sober. Now Drunk. I load up a bowl of Salvia. I need to escape this life of mine and start living the one I want to live. But I can't seem to do it. Someone help. Lady S, help.
Spin. Spark. Light. Smoke. 30 seconds. Ah...... Load another bowl. Ahhhhh. The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again playing on winamp. Slowly dissipating into an unknown void where music becomes an eratic flow of noise. Destination reached alas. Vison begins to conjure within my field of vision, stirring a deep meaning behind a plastic image of reality. A child is to my right. A child in sense, represented by a square box on some sort of rails. There is a mother on the other side of the child.
There is a strange feeling that I am this child. I begin to speak as if possessed by some strange spirit being thrown from within. I am the father guiding my child through life. On these set rails. No turns, no bumps. Just a set of rails aiming towards some... area. Some room, some space. Words are vauge and foreign when it comes to explaining this void.
I am trying to recall the words I murmurred out loud. I was giving my son (me) advice.
"You just have to live. You've crossed this pre-set boundary. These rails have already been laid for you, all you needed to do was follow them. Goddammit, just start to live. Go into that unkown and start to fucking live. Just fucking do it. You can. You will! You are there! Embrace it for what it is! The moment!"
(These were not the exact words. Actually they are surprisingly inaccurate to what I really said... it's just that I can't remember what I said. But they get the point across well enough.)
Then something sudden and surprising occured. I became angry. I was yelling at this child. Yelling. Telling him to live. To do what it is he needs to do. To live. To live.
I entered an extreme fit of anger and violence. I began cursing and yelling out the window. Into the dark. I was super fucking uber pissed off. I began thrashing about in the air. So much anger. I then grabbed my slippers and threw them as hard as I could against the wall. I ran to the basement door. Threw on a pair of shoes and rain outside into the rain. The dark, trailing rain.
I then stood on a rock and began to talk to myself looking at the sky. Asking myself where to begin. Where, how. I don't know. How do I live this life. I am confused and lost.
But am I?
I came to the conclusion that I do believe in a god. Lately I have forced and convinced myself that there is no god. But no, all my life I have believed that there is something out there. I asked for help. Help, a word foreign to me.
I then walked around my pond. I don't know if the alcohol was dominant by then (t+15min_ or the Salvia. I was seeing things move in the dark. I felt this strange sense that the dark was a representation of the unknown. The void. The area I have yet to explore and discover. There was a mild sense of fear. I was hearing shit. And seeing shit move. Strange. But I accepted it and ventured throughout, confronting and conquering any fear.
I walked back to my house to type this up.
Confused as fucking hell sort of.
I am worried this new feeling of "life" will evaporate into the boring days I am all too familiar with. Will it stay with me? Who knows.
OK so here we have an adult child division in the self that wants to be a bit more gentle, and a problem with "boredom" which can be solved by embracing the moment. both the adult and child parts of the self want to have more trusted access to the other. practice building trust with children and not scaring them.
sounds like u had quite a trip! I would take the next day or two slowly and maybe try to piece together your experience and see if you can intergrate it with your life and current situation. I hit some 5x on saturday night and I finally realized the conclusion that everyone who has taken entheogens has come to: these drugs show you many many things and only you can truly know what it all means. You get what you put it and this fact slapped me in the face. Hope you can get out of salvia what you were looking for, take care