Hey everyone, first off I'll say thankyou to the shroomery for all the guidance and helpful TEKs that led me to growing and cultivating my own supply of mushrooms, as well as directing me to resources such as Terence McKenna's work, and all the users here that shared their experiences that I read and enjoyed while I was waiting patiently for prints, or for the little shits to grow.
Wow, it's been a long time. I was a lurker, I absorbed all the info I could and psychedelics were an obsession of mine that lasted up until the reason for my post here. And the years afterward I've sat with my little drawer full of shitloads of dried shrooms, never being touched or rarely even thought about.
Looking back it's been over a year since I've had a large dose, over a year since I regularly smoked budz too, the Mushrooms killed that habit, and almost quit me smoking cigarettes out of fear. But sadly, I'm still smoking, and it's my only vice without weed or mushrooms to explore. I hate it, it's killing me, but life is too empty without them right now.
I guess I come here to talk about my experience, my biggest and last experience with the mushrooms, about a year and a half ago, maybe longer. I want to explore the mushrooms and my psyche more, I want to form a closer bond with myself, and see the therapeutic benefits. For a while I was the happiest I'd ever been, before my big undoing. Then everything changed within me, the fear and the pain of everything has stuck with me.
If I'm honest I'm embarrassed, I read, and listened to as much as I could. I remember listening to Mckenna's audiobook and audiofiles for hours every day, reading through tek upon tek here, doing everything as well as I could. Grew the boys in little jars, eating rice. maybe only one or two went bad, out of perhaps a dozen or so. I still have a solid stockpile of the buggers. Anyway, It started off pretty lame, I got impatient and disrespected a bunch of young shroom babies, this was months in the making, but I couldn't wait. Got together about 5g of babies, drank them in tea, wrote little reminders for myself that "bro haHaaaa you're just tripping you're fine" that I'd look at later on in the night if I started freaking. Lo and behold, I felt betrayed. Everything I read, about travelling to distant lands, seeing god, seeing anything. Was a lie, there I was, stuck In reality, realizing there's no escape from it. Closing my eyes showed vague patterns of the mushrooms, music sounded lovely, things we're alright, but I was overwhelmed by disappointment that I wasn't thrown into some place of teaching. Impulsively I ate another few grams of shrooms, everything I could get my hands on, and still, nothing. Just reality, but clearer. It was like, powerful reality, not sober in any sense, a stronger reality, more cemented, true, and my thoughts were very clear.
I was sad, but over time I accepted it. There's nothing quite like reality, it's all we get. And to me, dreams are the only escape from the land of living. I guess I wasn't cut out for the shroom experiences the likes of terrence mckenna got. I never saw anything that wasn't there. So from then on, my trips were reality based, entirely. I tried closing my eyes, trying to fall into it, but never could. These weren't small doses, 7g cubensis - 10g cubensis, all still in reality. I slap myself for having expectations, but it's easy to fall into I guess, as a regular guy.
I learned to appreciate myself, aesthetically. I learned the importance of people, intentions, the feeling of love, and true connection. All of these things have fleeted, never to be fully grasped since then. The idea is in my mind, but I can't grab it.
I'd say, everything was going well, tripping late at night, laughing to myself, staring at myself in the mirror, marveling at my little shrooms growing, my kids of sorts, who I'd kill and eat?
Then came the bad one, nothing was out of the ordinary, regular trip cemented in reality, decent enough dose, definitely a real trip. I was suddenly overwhelmed by coldness, or a sudden realization. An old demon welled up inside me, one that is easily controlled sober, and explains why I've remained sober since. Fear, pain, death, and most importantly, distrust. Distrust of myself, the unknown, my organs, my body. Subtle pains on my left side, I was quite thin back then, my body terrified me. I felt I was going to die. Ah yes, I remember what triggered it now, It was a dreadful shit in the dunny that got me. I was taking a dump, and it felt terrible. It felt like my insides were clawing me from the inside, and then I was aware of my fear.
I realised I was alone, it was the middle of the night, I remember rocking on my floor in some vague bodily pain. I went into full recovery mode, or damage control, trying to calm myself down. Laying in my bed, under my covers, I was frozen solid. I didn't want to move, for fear my body would punish me with some pain. I wanted to get out of myself, and knowing I was completely and utterly stuck in myself, insited panic within me. being unaware of what my body is doing, feeling like at any moment it will betray me and stop my heart, a kidney will faul, I'll have a kidney stone if I pee, or just the thought of my tangled guts in my abdomen brought me to my heels.
I couldn't be alone, and I couldn't go to my parents tripping, waking them up in the middle of the night. This whole endeavour was in secret, So I called some helpline, and an older woman answered.
"Hey, uh, I think I'm dying" I said pretty awkwardly. I talked about how I was trippin fuckin balls, and I was crying, moping, talking about my fears, pretty much the same shit I'm saying here.
"I just didn't want to be alone, so I called."
The woman didn't really understand me very well, she kept suggesting I call an ambulance, and there was something about the police, and I was adamant not to be taken by strangers out of my home, imagining the fucking cops getting me. Imagining my whole family wondering what in the living FUCK is going on, making a massive fool of myself. Or at least, not making the foolery any worse.
I realised, I was treating this woman like my mother, like a massive epiphany I just kept thinking "Wait a minute, you're not my mother, you're not my mum." So why the fuck, am I coming in here and latching onto some stranger, woman I don't know, hoping they can help me. If anything, being vulnerable to this lady made it worse, we weren't getting along at all, and I notice that while tripping I become very sensitive to the social vibe. This one was off. It was awkward.
I realised how often I treat women like that. And typing this now is embarrassing, but it's how it goes.
That was massive for me, but in general I felt I had failed.
The feeling of death, and pain wasn't gone, but It was a dull hum as I came down into morning. After that phonecall, I felt very, very strange. I laid in bed, staring out my window at the bare tree we have in our yard, it was autumn, so it had no leaves, and no colour. I stared at the silhouette, vaguely tripping, as my breath slowly became shallower. I felt like, I could just die and flow away, I felt like a rotten corpse in my bed, and staring at the silhouette of the tree, it was ominous. clawing in the wind, black thin branches swaying and ebbing meanly in the low grey of a shitty morning. I watched the sun go up, I was completely exhausted, but couldnt sleep. Laying in my bed, completely depressed.
That was some night. I've never tripped since, but writing it out here makes it look almost funny. Lighthearted atleast. So silly. But from that point smoking weed threw me right back into that place, albeit less sharp. So I pretty much went from smoking half my paycheck a week to not smoking at all. During the trip there was a side plot where I felt starved and ate a banana, then smoked a cigarette and felt awful about it, outside in the cold.
The moral of the story was about being alone, I think. At that period in time I was trying to learn to function without having people around to use to make it easier. I wanted to overcome my attachment to people, and be comfortable within myself, alone. It backfired, and I failed my test in the end. calling that lady, but I learned about myself, it was important, and will forever hold a place in my heart. But I havent the balls to fuck with my shroom stockpile since, but I want to change that. A part of me will do it, another part of me is stuck on the pain of the last experience. I want to move on, because aspects of my health anxiety still linger, I can't really smoke weed without having an existential panic attack. I know the answer is probably just to trip again, and find my bravery. But since that trip my mental health has slowly declined to the lowest point of my life. Constant anxiety, being unsure of myself, struggling with confidence, basically no friends, and distrust of relationships etc. Being definitely single for the first time since I was like fucking 15. And yes, It's my own burden, I don't expect anyone to fix my life, anymore, my philosophy of self responsibility has formed itself since that night.
I don't know, I've needed to tell this story, it's been stuck on my mind, it's a long one too. Just doing this has helped me tremendously, and I want to feel some sense of community, so I guess here I am. sssssss is my name. I can't ever stick to any online identity, so I guess it's just a placeholder until I really discover myself.
I want to trip again, but I'm scared of it. I want to enjoy weed, and thinking deeply again, but going there is painful, and my true fears of mortality await me. Lately I use alcohol, I say "I only fuck with shit that makes me think less!" and alcohol puts a damper on the anxiety and fear. While weed atleast brings it to a peak. And shrooms I fear will do much worse. But part of me thinks I can conquer it.
Anyway, I've overshared. But thanks to anonymity I guess it's alright. If you've read this whole thing, thankyou. I don't know where else to be open about these thoughts. So cheers for being here, shroomery! It's been too long, and while I was never involved directly in the community here, I was watching intently.
Thank you!!!
Please tell me your thoughts, or advice, or observations.
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