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OfflineThanatos10
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I don't know "how to be"
    #26551769 - 03/22/20 08:55 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

So I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I have seen that my problem in relationships is that I don't know how to be. It's like I get into a relationship and it's like......now what? I was so concerned about being in one then when it happens I'm lost, not to mention that emotional intimacy and vulnerability aren't my strongest assets.


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As lightless oblivion devours you, drown in the ever-blooming darkness.


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OfflineDarwin23
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Re: I don't know "how to be" [Re: Thanatos10] * 2
    #26564272 - 03/28/20 10:08 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I used to be very very shy. I can relate to a similar feeling. It's incredibly unhealthy, and spoiler alert, it's unsustainable and will ruin the relationship. You shouldn't have to question yourself and create the person that you think you should be. It's exhausting and brings so much undue stress. I make fun of things my fiancee does and she does the same to me. Sometimes we fight because we do things that piss each other off. That's how relationships really look.

If you're struggling with actually connecting with your own true emotions in order to act on them, I suggest mindfulness. When your brain no longer thinks, judges or criticizes, you can suddenly feel the feelings that are already inside of you.


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Take a look at my journal


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Invisiblecez
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Re: I don't know "how to be" [Re: Thanatos10]
    #26564350 - 03/28/20 11:50 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Find people that you share an interest with.


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OfflineBuckomcdoogle
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Re: I don't know "how to be" [Re: cez]
    #26564538 - 03/29/20 05:32 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

It might sound corny as all hell.

But when you find the right relationship it will make sense and come naturally.

The shitty thing is, if you are a unique, eclectic or exceptional person, that will be all the more difficult.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting for the right relationship.

Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

You live and you learn.

"I am strong because I was once weak"

Love in a lot of ways is like good drugs, when you get good drugs, its very obvious you got good drugs.


--------------------
"Nothing is more dangerous to your creativity than comfort and familiarity"

"Nihilism is the most basic truth in existence,
the only consistency throughout the world, and the universe is
chaos and decay"
"Logic leads to nihilism"



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OfflineNOUS333
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Re: I don't know "how to be" [Re: Buckomcdoogle] * 1
    #26583994 - 04/07/20 01:08 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Been there. Until recently and hell, even recently I have always felt the same way.  I think for me atleast, it is because I might be everything the other person could want, but they are surely not everything I want.  I think the 'now what' feeling stems from you not being fulfilled. You know there could be more, you know, subconsciously at least, that what you have is trivial in comparison to what is truly available to you out there. 

Another thing is, you said you were so concerned with being 'in one'.  And then you got 'in one' and you are like 'now what'.  Your perception of what a real relationship is, is off.  Probably because you have never really been in a real one. A real relationship isn't something you just 'enter into' one day, and from that day on your 'in it' and over night you go from you as you are not 'in one', to you as you are 'in one'... Instead in a real relationship, you and the other person grow on each other over time, in a process that really never ends unless one or both of you decide to end it.  You can't look at it as some objective thing that you have stepped into and will now function as yourself within.  A real relationship is going to change you, challenge you, test you, etc.  It is a living breathing interaction between you and the other person on every level.

With that said, having trouble with emotional intimacy and being vulnerable is definitely going to be an issue in forming a healthy relationship.  There are different reasons though that you might have trouble with emotional intimacy and being vulnerable. Perhaps it is because you don't want to give your energy or your 'story' away to someone who really doesn't deserve it or can't be trusted with it. Perhaps you have had bad experiences with being vulnerable in the past. But, whatever the reason, if you find someone and you aren't totally against the idea of opening up to them, and you have the slightest gut feeling that they will respect whatever it is you have to offer them, just let it out.  In being emotionally intimate with them, you allow them to be emotionally intimate with you, in being vulnerable with them, you allow them to be vulnerable with you.  At the end of the day, you are who you are and if it doesn't work out, any negative outcomes of opening up to the wrong person will fade. Chalk it up to experience and move on.  But when it finally works out, and you are able to completely give parts of yourself to another person which only you have known, you will begin to know and love yourself more than ever.  "oh this is how comfortable I feel when I express this side of me I keep hidden inside, because this person still loves me, what other hidden parts do I hide and feel shameful about possessing for no reason? perhaps the whole world would still accept me if I were to express them"

That's another thing that contributes to 'not knowing how to be', that is, tip toeing around being who you really are.  It comes so naturally when you are doing it, and you know you aren't doing it, so you get this awkward feeling that comes with knowing you need to fill that space with 'something', you can't give this person who you really are just yet, but you have to give them 'something'.  Most of us aren't very good at being in this middle ground between being completely ourselves and the complete farce we put on for society.


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OfflineThanatos10
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Re: I don't know "how to be" [Re: NOUS333] * 1
    #26587775 - 04/09/20 12:42 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

NOUS333 said:
Been there. Until recently and hell, even recently I have always felt the same way.  I think for me atleast, it is because I might be everything the other person could want, but they are surely not everything I want.  I think the 'now what' feeling stems from you not being fulfilled. You know there could be more, you know, subconsciously at least, that what you have is trivial in comparison to what is truly available to you out there. 

Another thing is, you said you were so concerned with being 'in one'.  And then you got 'in one' and you are like 'now what'.  Your perception of what a real relationship is, is off.  Probably because you have never really been in a real one. A real relationship isn't something you just 'enter into' one day, and from that day on your 'in it' and over night you go from you as you are not 'in one', to you as you are 'in one'... Instead in a real relationship, you and the other person grow on each other over time, in a process that really never ends unless one or both of you decide to end it.  You can't look at it as some objective thing that you have stepped into and will now function as yourself within.  A real relationship is going to change you, challenge you, test you, etc.  It is a living breathing interaction between you and the other person on every level.

With that said, having trouble with emotional intimacy and being vulnerable is definitely going to be an issue in forming a healthy relationship.  There are different reasons though that you might have trouble with emotional intimacy and being vulnerable. Perhaps it is because you don't want to give your energy or your 'story' away to someone who really doesn't deserve it or can't be trusted with it. Perhaps you have had bad experiences with being vulnerable in the past. But, whatever the reason, if you find someone and you aren't totally against the idea of opening up to them, and you have the slightest gut feeling that they will respect whatever it is you have to offer them, just let it out.  In being emotionally intimate with them, you allow them to be emotionally intimate with you, in being vulnerable with them, you allow them to be vulnerable with you.  At the end of the day, you are who you are and if it doesn't work out, any negative outcomes of opening up to the wrong person will fade. Chalk it up to experience and move on.  But when it finally works out, and you are able to completely give parts of yourself to another person which only you have known, you will begin to know and love yourself more than ever.  "oh this is how comfortable I feel when I express this side of me I keep hidden inside, because this person still loves me, what other hidden parts do I hide and feel shameful about possessing for no reason? perhaps the whole world would still accept me if I were to express them"

That's another thing that contributes to 'not knowing how to be', that is, tip toeing around being who you really are.  It comes so naturally when you are doing it, and you know you aren't doing it, so you get this awkward feeling that comes with knowing you need to fill that space with 'something', you can't give this person who you really are just yet, but you have to give them 'something'.  Most of us aren't very good at being in this middle ground between being completely ourselves and the complete farce we put on for society.




This sounds like an accurate assessment.

In the past I had a habit of trusting easily and getting burned a lot. I don't want to be one of those people who holds others at arms length though as suspect all their motivations. But as a result I am an easy target.

The other bit is that I am a bit of a kid at heart, well a lot. I can't hide my excitement for things around me and I tend to be curious which can border on nosy. I tend to find excitement or enjoyment in even the most mundane of tasks, it's like the world is vivid but people don't see it. To me a beetle is like the most amazing thing in the world but everyone else is like "get over yourself".

Being gay has something to do with it but I am slowly making peace with it and accepting it. Though I'm still a little scared of people beating me up for it.

But you are right about relationships. I guess I am just so eager to get into one because I feel like it's some missing piece or key to happiness that I miss the whole point and development that is important to reach that point. It's not arriving it's the process of getting there. IT's kind of why I have the "now what" syndrome. I spent so much time chasing it I don't know what to do when I get it.


--------------------
As lightless oblivion devours you, drown in the ever-blooming darkness.


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