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Anonymous #1

Low sex drive? *DELETED*
    #26540545 - 03/17/20 10:56 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Post deleted by Anonymous

Reason for deletion: no longer relevant to me.


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Offlinefeldman114
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Registered: 09/06/19
Posts: 3,365
Loc: Bravos
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Re: Low sex drive? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26540558 - 03/17/20 11:06 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

She told you she was insecure about her sex drive...but then you blamed her for a lack of sex later on? Sorry, dude, but that’s how it reads. Am I missing something?

Are you sure you’re attractive to her?
Maybe try joining a gym and generally taking better care of yourself? It might not be her, after all. Maybe she loves you too much to say you’ve let yourself go?

Anyway, I don’t think it’s healthy to stay with a person who you want to change. If you need to change her to stay with her, you never really loved her as a person (just your idea of who she can be), ya know?


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Offlineliving_failure
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Registered: 06/13/19
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Re: Low sex drive? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26540618 - 03/17/20 11:39 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
So, I've been with this girl for a little over 2 years now. she has told me on several occasions how her past relationships have fallen apart due to her low sex drive. The sex was okay in the beginning but faded after about 8 month together probably both of our faults.

There was a solid span of about 3 months we would have sex at most once a month, it ended when I voiced my opinion on the matter. I said verbatim "idk if your not interested in me, or if your not interested in having a sexual relationship. either is fine, but I am interested in being in a sexual relationship and that's not really what this is anymore."

She starts crying, going on about how this always happens to her. said how she will change. so the sex starts becoming more frequent which uk good. But I cant shake the feeling she is only doing it to make me happy. You know like the fucked up house wife mentality of the 50's? "better have dinner ready for him and put out like I'm told or hubby will slap me around". not that I have or ever would hit her more of a fear of me leaving type thing, cuz she deff does have some serious abandonment issues.

so I brought that up to her and she assured me that's not how it is at all, but I'm not sure if that's the truth or just something shes saying so I wont leave. and my mind keeps going back to "if she is actually interested in sex and me, why did we have to have a conversation about it at all?" conflicting with the whole "communication is key" rule of thumb I try to live by in relationships.

Is this like a legitimate concern or am I just over thinking everything? Like I love that she is willing to put in effort to make this work, but if it takes effort for her to want to have sex with me I'm not sure that's the kind of relationship I want.





If it happened in older relationships of course it would happen again.

Sorry to tell you it but, even if you fix it now, it will happen again.
You have two options:

1)Call her out for her lack of sex driver and find together a way of fixing it (probably each time it happens you both will have to do an effort)

2)Learn lo live with having sex on per month (more or less)


As far as i know, option 1 might end up being option 2 when your patience (or hers) runs out.


At what point are you? do you have the desire to do an effort for the relationship? does she? are your and her boundaries and wills for the relationship being respected?


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Offline99.99
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Re: Low sex drive? [Re: living_failure]
    #26541391 - 03/17/20 07:19 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

My wife started a medication that cut her sex drive down to nothing and she was really worried it would cause a problem in our relationship
through talking it out we figured out that daily blowjobs were my favorite and it didn’t really involve the normal types of sex that she’s not interested in right now

I do kind of miss normal sex with a woman but God blow jobs are so fantastic it keeps me satisfied basically whenever I would like one she’s willing  so maybe you could figure out some type of sex that would involve her but she wouldn’t have to get so physically involved in it??


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OfflineBabylon
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Re: Low sex drive? [Re: 99.99]
    #26541840 - 03/17/20 11:56 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

You have a third option, accept that this relationship is one in which you will not have sex often, and have another (or a few other) relationships with people with higher sex drives.  It's possible you can work something out like 99.99s compromise, but a lot of people who aren't interested in sex are also not interested in giving head.  You should definitely have a conversation with her about it all, be honest, but be flexible.  Realize that if she says she'll work on it and just have sex more that is not likely to actually happen, or if it does she's not likely to enjoy it.  Personally I don't like having sex with people who don't like having sex with me, but people differ on that.

To be clear about my suggested third option I am not saying cheat on her, make sure she knows that you will be pursuing other relationships and keep her as informed about the process as she wants to be.


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Offlineyeah
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Re: Low sex drive? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26542928 - 03/18/20 03:49 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)



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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,670
Re: Low sex drive? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26543817 - 03/19/20 02:35 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Is this like a legitimate concern or am I just over thinking everything? Like I love that she is willing to put in effort to make this work, but if it takes effort for her to want to have sex with me I'm not sure that's the kind of relationship I want.



It's a legitimate concern and an issue that occurs in many couples; you're not alone. I do think that communication is key, but there's a few 'tricks' to it to make it work. For starters, it's kind of seductive to get locked into a blame game, which makes the communication threatening for either or both sides and then you actually drift away from where you want to be instead of making some progress.

In general I think with sensitive/emotionally laden topics such as this one, it's important to prevent falling into blame-mode and voicing suspicions. So in your example, where you have doubts about the sexual interest of your partner in you, there are a few ways of discussing it:
1: "You seem not to want to have sex with me so apparently you're not really sexually interested in me, so why are we having this relationship anyway?"
2: "I like to have sex regularly and I certainly would like to see the two of us doing it more often. I notice that the fact we only do it once or twice a month makes me a bit uncertain about where I stand with you. For me, sex is a way of expressing interest in each other and I think I need it a bit more than we're currently doing to feel confident in our relationship. How do you feel about this and the frequency of our sex?"

In approach (1), there's a combination of assumptions (about how the other feels about you) and consequences (she's not interested, this relationship does not work). That leaves not much room for the other person to voice their side of the story, and if they want to do it, it will have to take the form of refuting your argumentation, which means you're already stuck in a discussion instead of an exchange of views and experiences.
In approach (2), you make clear what is important to you, how you experience the situation, and you explicitly invite the other to give their view on the matter. It's the basis for an actual exchange of views, where there's room for the other person to voice their position.

Once, in a training I found very valuable, I learned a couple of things when it comes to discussing challenging things and giving feedback:
1: describe the problem as you see it in objective, verifiable terms. I.e. when it comes to the frequency of sex, make explicit what frequency this occurs (if that is the problem/part of the problem).
2: describe what your personal norms are as related to the topic. In this instance, your personal norm is that a certain frequency of having sex is a necessity for a healthy relationship.
3: integrate 1&2 as an explanation of how you feel, and make your emotions explicit. In this case, it means you can say something like we're having less sex than I believe is normal/necessary for me to feel confident and at ease, and as a result, I have feelings of uncertainty about how you see me.
4: invite the other to respond on all aspects above; i.e. ask them how they see the ideal frequency of sex, what this frequency mean to them (their personal norm) and how they feel about the current situation (do they have similar or other feelings about it)
5: agree on the problem; based on your own view combined with the other person's, you can establish what the exact problem is. Maybe it's just you and she sees no issue. Maybe you experience an issue and she experiences the same. Maybe you experience an issue, but she experiences a different, but related issue.
6: based on 5, define criteria for a good solution. This is where both can voice their needs & desires. Ideally you reach a set of requirements that would make both parties feel good if they manifest in a solution. If there are conflicting requirements, you'll have to work those out to find out if they really are conflicting, or if there's room for compromise or overlap. Explicitly agree on the set of criteria.
7: make a list of possible solutions to the problem. Do not judge/assess the solutions yet; just list them. Accept solutions to be added to the list that you don't feel (yet) comfortable with. Be neutral and open-minded particularly at this stage. Don't shoot anything down yet.
8: compare each solution to the set of criteria you've drafted. Based on this, choose one that fits both of your needs as well as possible. Explicitly agree on the solution to be implemented.
9: make a plan/arrangements to implement the solution. In implementing it, from time to time discuss progress and give each other feedback if things are going well or not so well (using the same approach as above).

This may seem a very formal and business-like approach, but in practice it can be done in a very natural, informal and organic way. Also, in practice it's not necessarily a linear process, but you may be flipping through the different steps in a seemingly random order. It takes some practice, but you can recognize each of the elements in a discussion and also signal when something is going wrong (e.g. in the listing the solutions phase, if solutions are immediately being shot down, you can signal it and reassure that "we haven't chosen anything yet, let's just list our options for a bit and then we'll check which ones will work").


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Anonymous #2

Re: Low sex drive? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26543884 - 03/19/20 04:05 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Sounds like a similar situation Ive been in.

I was recently in a relationship similar to yours except i had the lower sex drive and she had the higher one. I basically told her we could have an open relationship so she could sleep around and get what she needed. But jealously got the best of me and from that plus other reasons related to her abrasive personality, i had to end it.

If you think shes having sex with you out of necessity and not desire, then the relationship wont last for long.


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OfflineDarwin23
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Re: Low sex drive? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26548043 - 03/21/20 03:12 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

You're definitely overthinking but your point is also valid. She sounds like she has some issues. It's not normal to have such an aversion to sex that you lose relationships. She needs to work through her stuff. The abandonment issues are her behavior paint the picture of someone who would do anything not be abandoned. I don't blame you for being suspicious.

That fact that she is making an effort does still mean something though.

Honestly, man, I feel like you already know what you want. If she just has some naturally low sex drive that will never change, you guys just aren't compatible. It's no different than any other trait. Personally though, I would suspect it's something in her head.


--------------------

Take a look at my journal


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Anonymous #3

Re: Low sex drive? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26548331 - 03/21/20 08:20 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Definitely a legitimate concern!

I am a high sex drive man married to a low sex drive woman.
At first it was great, Good sex but I could tell she had low drive.
She never let me go down on her, and BJ was rare.
Immediately after marriage no more BJ

For the last few years sex once per month.
Sometimes I feel almost rapey having sex with someone who doesn't want it.
Recently I can't even get hard for her. But raging hard when I wake up or when I masturbate.

I love her like crazy, but I wish there was a way for high sex drive to be together,
and low sex drive to be together.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Low sex drive? [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #26562250 - 03/27/20 10:42 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Im a married woman with a horribly low sex drive in my twenties. I think it is mental, as someone else said. Low self confidence can play a huge role. I have to pretend im sexy to get off, which is rare. Im not entirely unattractive, but past trauma has definitely altered my self image. (My mood will determine whether my reflection is of a healthy young redhead with a pretty face, or a disgusting travesty of a person.) I sometimes just give up when masturbating, like when certain memories trigger. (Never raped btw, different, more intimate traumas)

One thing that helped save my marriage was when my husband read through the red pill room and decided to start dominating me. Turns out I have a rape fetish. Its funny how being choked can get you from 0 to 60 instantly.

This is serious shit though, not to be taken lightly. You don't want to be having sex with a woman who only likes it if you choke/slap her, right? It definitely alters the romantic intimacy.

Edit: i also hate receiving oral sex, as i become plagued with thoughts like,
'hes doing this to get me off, and if i dont cum then i will let him down'
or, 'i wonder if he is hiding his disgust right now because he really wants to please me'
Or 'fuck i hope i dont taste bad...'


Eventually he confided in me that he believed he was bad at cunilingus because i never ask for it and never cum. I felt so terrible. He just didn't understand.

Guilty confession here, but im the five years since that conversation, i have only asked him to once, because my drunken state quieted my self-destructive thoughts.

Your girl has a lot to work through. Sometimes people walk through life doing their best to ignore it. Be the one to help her bring it to light and understand herself better.


Edited by Anonymous (03/27/20 10:55 PM)


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