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OfflineSandala
Noob Shroomer

Registered: 02/20/20
Posts: 197
Loc: UK Flag
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: CMACD]
    #26575476 - 04/03/20 03:55 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I don't get you mate, you have all that potential, all that dedication and motivation to train for all those years, and you're still willing to let a few harsh words from some asshole lead you into prison or suicide as if they're the only 2 choices.

Because you'd rather not put the work in to learn how to deal with name calling like a mature adult?

You could be anything you want to be, but you actually choose to be an asshole, how do you square that off with yourself?


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My Noob Journal


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OfflineCMACD
The Sto)))ve
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Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 813
Loc: too scared Flag
Last seen: 9 months, 7 days
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: Sandala]
    #26575592 - 04/03/20 04:52 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Square that off with yourself? What does that mean? Live with myself? I dunno, tonnes of people have all kinds of cognitive dissonances, live lies, etc.

I dunno, this is just the phase of life I'm in. Honestly maybe after I compete in MMA and win a fight or something I'll feel validated enough to consider letting all of this go, I just can't let go of this hatred right now... or if I can, I am choosing not to so hard to the point it barely seems like a choice.

I guess I'm just full of excuses. Whatever. I just feel like... I want to make my life better, not just "not think" so that I can accept how shitty it is.


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OfflineCMACD
The Sto)))ve
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Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 813
Loc: too scared Flag
Last seen: 9 months, 7 days
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: CMACD]
    #26575594 - 04/03/20 04:54 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

If the buddhists are right my prediction is I will commit suicide, get a shittier life, commit suicide there, get a shittier life, commit suicide there... and then be reincarnated as an animal too dumb to commit suicide, then maybe I'll forget enough to start re-growing as a well adjusted human being.


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OfflineCMACD
The Sto)))ve
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Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 813
Loc: too scared Flag
Last seen: 9 months, 7 days
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: CMACD]
    #26575626 - 04/03/20 05:15 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Like, I don't like to dwell on all this... like my mental states are rather inconsistent lately, probably because I intermittent fast. (I always want to eat less, be lean, be lighter) and I do notice myself getting more depressed and agitated the hungrier I get, also your memory starts to fuck up so the chances of me feeling stupid for forgetting things go up.

  Like I swear, I'm ready to have a good rest of the day and not dwell on anything, but that doesn't mean I've healed and aren't going to be set off by the next thing someone says.

  It's shitty though, you're probably right. Ever since starting this thread I've pushed like 4 more people out of my life because they can't talk to me tactfully enough for me to not perceive something backhanded... like I'm focusing on being offended and I just keep being offended. I hate how it's a dark hole, I hate how you respond in anger and now you're crazy, butthurt, just opened up a whole bunch of other shit to feel offended over by being offended. I hate the word butthurt so much I wish I could get away with murdering whoever uses that word to further push a miserable offended person into misery & offendedness.

  I dunno, maybe this life just isn't for me.


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OfflineCMACD
The Sto)))ve
Male User Gallery

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 813
Loc: too scared Flag
Last seen: 9 months, 7 days
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: CMACD]
    #26575635 - 04/03/20 05:21 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

actually, never mind.  I said I'm ready to have a good day but tbh I'm in a darker mental pit than I realize... every.thing.around.me is a reminder that I'm a piece of shit.

Anyone less accomplished than me is totally a worthless waste of life, anybody more accomplished than me was able to do so faster under harder circumstances, the only success I have is through luck.

I hate myself.


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OfflineSandala
Noob Shroomer

Registered: 02/20/20
Posts: 197
Loc: UK Flag
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: CMACD]
    #26575683 - 04/03/20 05:46 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

CMACD said:

Anyone less accomplished than me is totally a worthless waste of life, anybody more accomplished than me was able to do so faster under harder circumstances, the only success I have is through luck.






Mate, nothing is that black and white, everything is shades of grey.

You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. Everyone has a right to be who they want to be, if they want to be an asshole it's up to them, just as it's up to you who you choose to be.

You ain't a peice of shit either, not yet anyway :lol: real peices of shit wouldn't be concerned about being a peice of shit :wink:

But it's not really anything to aspire to is it!

And if you hate it so much, why don't you at least have a go at changing it?


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My Noob Journal


Edited by Sandala (04/03/20 05:47 PM)


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OfflineCMACD
The Sto)))ve
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Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 813
Loc: too scared Flag
Last seen: 9 months, 7 days
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: Sandala]
    #26575855 - 04/03/20 06:53 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Honestly, I keep coming back here wanting to say that sure I'll give it a go, but then I read over all the stuff that I regret even writing and I just get mad and go back to the "darkside". I'm a mess.

Yeah I'll re-read your advice and try to apply it, thanks.


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OfflineSandala
Noob Shroomer

Registered: 02/20/20
Posts: 197
Loc: UK Flag
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: CMACD]
    #26576055 - 04/03/20 08:11 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

good show :thumbup:

sounds like you have a real strong/active inner critic too, comparing, critisizing, judging; there are simple exercises/tools you can use to shut that mother fucker up, mite be worth a google.

You know how some girls are always comparing themselves to other girls, then critisizing them, then critisizing how they look themselves in the mirror, then trying on 10 different tops and still not being happy how they look? That's because comparing, critisizing and judging (others and themselevs) just makes people more insecure! Shut that inner critic down and you will soon stop worrying about what people think about you. Who gives a fuck what they think anyway right? They're probably assholes!

Don't beat yourself up about it, just give it a good go :peacesign:


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
Chemical in the body
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Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 1,061
Loc: Green Country Flag
Last seen: 11 days, 56 minutes
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: Sandala]
    #26578432 - 04/05/20 12:09 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Changing the way you think, feel, and react about things is done in the same way as you would create a trail in the grass through a field - many dedicated, thoughtfully-placed steps over time. 

You are rewiring old and creating new neural pathways.

The deeper you allow yourself to go into thoughts and acts of vengeance, the harder you have to fight to rewire - but you can do it.  Even if you are seconds away from murder, just one squeeze of the trigger.... you can do it. You have to squeeze your eyes shut and say STOP STOP STOP, get your mind on to something else,  FORCE IT. 

Good luck, get positive/stay positive.


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InvisibleBlu Spore
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Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 1,320
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: Some stuff I wanted to get off of my chest. [Re: CMACD]
    #26584811 - 04/07/20 07:31 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

...sorry didnt read the rest of the post...

I was just going to say something about being strong in mma and martial arts is fairly short lived and with getting older injuries start to happen (which im finding out myself)

Anyways good luck man


Edited by Blu Spore (04/07/20 07:34 PM)


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