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SporeJunkie
Pöåšt Šhïttēr



Registered: 11/30/18
Posts: 2,106
Loc: TheOnlyTenISee
Last seen: 2 months, 12 days
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Suicide
#26526787 - 03/10/20 07:57 AM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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I don’t even care to admit it. Im suicidal as fuck. I have been for about a month. Its been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. Ive had thoughts since elementary school but they’ve never been this bad or lasted this long. I don’t want to die but I’m feeling like that’s the only way to get rid of all this shit and it’d be better for everyone else. 2 birds. I am scared though. Is there anything after?
-------------------- Royale with cheese
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Shr00mEater
Strange

Registered: 10/17/18
Posts: 985
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On any meds?
SSRIs took me from anxious, angry and depressed to straight up suicidal and homicidal ideation in about a week of being on them.
Have you talked to a counselor or therapist? A real therapist, not a psychiatrist.
You said “get rid of this shit” what do you mean by “this shit”. These thoughts and feelings? Or is there some other sources of your discontent?
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The Mycologist
Explorer

Registered: 05/06/16
Posts: 3,024
Last seen: 29 days, 6 hours
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Go on a run.
Sometime getting your blood flowing can help alot.
You got to push through man, nothing lasts.
-------------------- "That you are here—that life exists, and identity; That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.” ― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

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Rahz
Alive Again



Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,230
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Quote:
The Mycologist said: nothing lasts.
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi
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myrealname
Stranger

Registered: 05/22/07
Posts: 2,757
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Just say in your head this too shall pass, just as day follows night
stick around things will change if you want them to
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SporeJunkie
Pöåšt Šhïttēr



Registered: 11/30/18
Posts: 2,106
Loc: TheOnlyTenISee
Last seen: 2 months, 12 days
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Yeah I’ve heard all that. Im not on any meds. Been trying to see a therapist for a month. Literally I had my first appointment a month ago and she’s been sick and whatnot. So, I’ve pretty much tried everything. You can only “be positive” and “push through” so much before you finally just break and give in.
-------------------- Royale with cheese
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The Mycologist
Explorer

Registered: 05/06/16
Posts: 3,024
Last seen: 29 days, 6 hours
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What hobbies do you have?
What do you enjoy?
-------------------- "That you are here—that life exists, and identity; That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.” ― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
Posts: 9,818
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Let's get practical. Life's a bitch, and some people just don't make it. What I would say is to think long and hard about who it would affect around you. If your killing yourself is also injurious to other parties -- family, girlfriend, whatever -- then I would say you have some responsibility there. Most people have people around them, and most suicides ignore that. Not to get preachy, but suicide is pretty sinful if you screw a lot of other people up. The only time it's not a sin is if you're totally disconnected, no one would be affected, and you just need to punch out early.
Remember Anthony Bourdain? It was no secret he had demons -- he talked about it fairly openly on television. But you know what? When he killed himself, he left behind a little daughter. He should have thought of her more, and himself less.
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,532
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you are most familiar with your mental experience and feelings, so what I say is completely uncertain due to lack of familiarity with you and your situation.
however, I think if you can observe the sequences of triggered suicidal thinking as habituated thought patterns you are on your way to freedom.
nearly everything we do is a matter of reflex/pattern/habit.
Habits grow from repetition. Triggers or links in associative memory become stronger with repetition.
Here is the rub, however, attempting to resist or push away from something in mind will become linked with that something. This means that when you want to get away from suicidal thought, your effort against that something becomes more fresh glue attaching your resistance to the very thing you are trying to avoid.
In the mind it is the same if you try to approach something or try to avoid that same something. In both cases that something is centralized as an important thing and it begins to resolve more completely.
In your case it has become a complex of thinking about suicide, and probably by now it has tremendous detail and variety. It is like PTSD, and the same kind of approach has to be made, with the same gentle continuous effort to cultivate calm and regain calm when triggered, and to rest calmly even when you see the habituated thought taking over.
If you do not try to escape it, it will pass on its own, and if you do not try to resist or avoid it, new conditioning with it will be calm, and eventually the old triggers will fade.
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_ 🧠 _
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Rahz
Alive Again



Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,230
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Quote:
SporeJunkie said: You can only “be positive” and “push through” so much before you finally just break and give in.
It's not about being positive. It's about minimizing the importance of your feelings. That's not to say your problems/issues aren't important, but at some point the mental wheeling can become it's own problem. I don't think anyone here is going to suggest you just "cheer up", but part of the recovery is learning to minimize the gravity you give to your thoughts. It's not about the primary anxiety you experience, it's about the anxiety you experience due to having anxiety. That is something you can minimize by recognizing it and not letting it consume you.
As far as pushing through, if you want to survive (and you've indicated you do) decide you're not going to break. Don't give in, at least not on that level. A big part of life is learning to let go and one way of doing that is to start letting go of the importance you give to those problematic thoughts, to fixing something you're not sure how to fix. Don't be your own worst enemy. Be your best friend. Be kind to yourself.
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi
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SporeJunkie
Pöåšt Šhïttēr



Registered: 11/30/18
Posts: 2,106
Loc: TheOnlyTenISee
Last seen: 2 months, 12 days
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I really appreciate all your responses it means a lot. The thing is I don’t have any hobbies or anything to keep me interested in life. I do get it about hurting other people but I’m hurting them now because I try to confide in them but they don’t know what to do or say so it just leaves them even more worried. I feel like I’m doing them wrong either way. I do have a problem with myself for sure. Idk what it is but it’s like I’ve never felt like anything special. I honestly don’t want to. Ive just had so much happen in my life over the past 7 years or so that I don’t even care about continuing on the only reason I do is because I don’t want to devastate my family and friends.
-------------------- Royale with cheese
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Planter4848
Stranger

Registered: 06/09/19
Posts: 34
Last seen: 2 years, 23 days
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I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I have had suicidal ideation since I was around 12. Last year was the year that I almost acted on my plan. Three times in fact. The only thing that took me out of it was microdosing. It's what brought me to Shroomery in the first place. Things are improving but I wouldn't have gotten here without the microdosing. If you haven't considered it I highly recommend giving it a shot. How do you feel about animals? Getting a dog can help cause they force you to get up and out of the house at least once a day for a walk. And yeah, a hobby is a great idea. There are so many things you can look into, some social, some individual, think of something you are curious about and start investigating it, let it become a hobby.
Good luck! I believe there is more in life for you and you matter!
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Rahz
Alive Again



Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,230
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Some problems are pretty universal. At some point a child learns it's going to die. At some point a person realizes suffering is an inherent facet of existence. Reactions can vary but a young person freshly exposed to this, it's understandable that they take it badly. But like I said, it's not those universal anxieties that are the problem, it's whether one is feeding them with negative thoughts, having anxieties about anxieties. Don't judge yourself for your anxieties... that's the very basis in forming secondary anxiety. People logically have to deal with death anxiety, being alive and all. It can be seen that it's possible to enjoy life despite these inherent anxieties, not absent them. As you learn to minimize the importance of such thoughts (rather than not having them) you'll be getting rid of the secondary anxiety.
As far as your last 7 years, it will eventually be "in the past". How it reverberates in your future probably has something to do with how you handle things now. Reaching out, looking for solutions is a really good start though as you see talking to others can be a mixed bag. I don't think you're hurting those you mention, but if they're not able to help, what's the point right? Some people are better at being empathetic than others. People with similar experiences can possibly be helpful. Being understood is one of best ways a person can be helpful but a real friend may try to be empathetic whether they understand or not, and that attempt is worth something even if they don't really get it. Whether someone's not going to care, or is at a loss for words, or whether you're asking for something you must give yourself, reaching out is going to be an experiment and a learning process. Ultimately you must fix yourself, but I think others can be helpful in that regard and we shouldn't pretend we're not social creatures... or that such things don't take time. I've never been suicidal beyond the consideration of it (I'm more of a glutton for punishment) so take it with a grain of salt, but it seems like being patient is key. Those voices that say nothing will ever change, that's secondary anxiety, and it's usually a lie. The truth is a person doesn't know how things will be 5-10, 30 years from now, or even next month or next week. There's a certain comfort in thinking one knows things they don't, being that they don't have to stare into the darkness not knowing what lies outside their vision. But ultimately accepting such lies degrades one's logical integrity. Maybe life will always suck. Maybe it won't. Maybe life will get better. Being able to weigh these things equally is not being overly positive, it's just being honest and that tends to suck the force out of the negative voices. And perhaps you will find value in those words... if so then you are open to being wrong, which is one of the best things you can be. Only a person who knows they're wrong can be right. Biases and negative patterns are a general feature of humanity. Learning this and how it relates to you is a very important aspect in getting to "know thy self".
As far as feeling special, I once had this notion that pride and shame were two sides of the same coin. There is some truth to the idea. Most people will feel some shame at being too proud (and are often helped with this by others), and attempt to feel proud to counter their shame. I thought it was something to be avoided completely and the ideal was to be stoic inside and out. There is a point to stoicism, but trying to avoid feelings of importance or specialness and be a "monk" or whatever probably isn't the best strategy for most. I read a book recently that describes the narcissist (what I would call the pride/shame paradox) on a scale of 1-10 with 5-6 being a well balanced person. The gist is that being narcissistic is unavoidable but that there is a healthy middle and an unhealthy extreme on both ends. You don't need a reason to feel special. You're alive. It's not about being the most special when you're shooting for the middle.
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi
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SporeJunkie
Pöåšt Šhïttēr



Registered: 11/30/18
Posts: 2,106
Loc: TheOnlyTenISee
Last seen: 2 months, 12 days
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Re: Suicide [Re: Rahz]
#26528670 - 03/11/20 07:49 AM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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Wow thanks for such a long thought out post. You did pretty much hit the nail on the head. Like i said I really appreciate all your responses. Its gotten so bad I’ve lost tons of weight and can barely sleep, but I know I need help to fix this. So, I’m gonna go to the doctor I guess. Hopefully I can get some sense of direction from a professional.
-------------------- Royale with cheese
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kitten6
hiker

Registered: 05/13/19
Posts: 96
Loc: UK 0161
Last seen: 15 hours, 51 minutes
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i think whatever is going on there is an underlying reason and sometimes it takes time to figure these things out, even if life is just suffering for you, remember that your suffering is what makes you who you are, explore that suffering, take that suffering and accept it as proof of being alive and being an individual.
Easily to clear your vision a bit i recommend, going out into nature and going on a bit of an explore. Get a pair of boots and breath some fresh air where there is nobody around to disturb your peace. It helps to see things more clearly. Maybe you might find some forest spirits or sesh with some fox or somet. Shits up to you man.
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Nekai
small starter

Registered: 10/23/19
Posts: 87
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Quote:
SporeJunkie said: I don’t even care to admit it. Im suicidal as fuck. I have been for about a month. Its been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. Ive had thoughts since elementary school but they’ve never been this bad or lasted this long. I don’t want to die but I’m feeling like that’s the only way to get rid of all this shit and it’d be better for everyone else. 2 birds. I am scared though. Is there anything after?
Don’t do it, never let that be an option, you are cutting yourself short if you do. Expect less of yourself if you want, maybe it’s the stress, simplify and think about where you want to be, and move.
-------------------- G o o d s p o r e s ! All posts are for research purposes only. Feeling off? Take a break & try to get healthy. There's nothing wrong with being sober, it's actually the best thing.
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Double


Registered: 05/03/19
Posts: 796
Loc:
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Re: Suicide [Re: Nekai]
#26529500 - 03/11/20 05:13 PM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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hey man,
I read everything everyone said, and i´m glad these folks are trying to be helpful, it means they care.
Edited by Double (03/25/20 09:13 PM)
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
Last seen: 3 years, 2 days
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We all die in the end, but hopefully we're old enough not to fear OR care like my Uncle Herman who lived to 106 but was OK with dying at 103 the last time I saw him. I've had friends as young as 20 commit suicide and that was 47 years ago. He was afraid of getting old at 20 but his mom was schizophrenic and who knows how ill he might've been in 1972. He sure missed out on a lot of life though. I came close to cutting my wrists on a super-strong trip in '73 but I am grateful I didn't do that, there are karmic consequences.
As to what happens at death, there are enough answers that I have been able to read about them probably since 1972. Even now I'm reading a tome entitled Jewish Views of the Afterlife which surprised me because transmigration of the soul is HUGE among esoteric Hasidic Jews. Resurrection is a construct that does not occur until the End of Days at some mythic moment in an unknown future. Plus most resurrection themes come across as literal and only the mystic-minded understand it as a state of Being. I have been through Christian seminary school and have long known the takes of other world religions so this study rounds things out in my own education.
I cannot know how others suffer including you who I do not know. Long-time Shroomerite Icelander told us publicly (and me privately) that he was going to commit suicide for almost 20 years and he finally did it. He abandoned his beloved canine companions by that act. Cruel. But he felt the cruelty of existence and was unable to ameliorate it. I am convinced that he was personality disordered and suicidal attempts is one of the criteria for the condition I think he suffered from.
My take is to endeavor to live healthily into old age if at all possible because fear of death decreases among octagenarians and desire to live diminishes as well. Normally one does not choose to die if one is still vital and can take joy and pleasures from life. When life becomes mere existence without possibility of change (not the case for a young person), suicide makes more sense if life is just waiting to die of something awful. I would encourage you to ride out this depression and if you require help do not be too proud to seek it. People come to me for the clinical help I can provide and I in turn have a slew of specialists that I depend on for assistance.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,014
Loc: USA
Last seen: 5 hours, 58 minutes
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Quote:
SporeJunkie said:
I do have a problem with myself for sure. Idk what it is but it’s like I’ve never felt like anything special. I honestly don’t want to. Ive just had so much happen in my life over the past 7 years or so that I don’t even care about continuing on the only reason I do is because I don’t want to devastate my family and friends.
You might look into learning about self-hatred, self-acceptance, and self-compassion. It sounds as if you don't like or love yourself very much. Is there a single person in your life you feel love towards? Do you have a dog or other pet you love? Or is love totally absent?
Quote:
Rahz said:
It's not about being positive. It's about minimizing the importance of your feelings. That's not to say your problems/issues aren't important, but at some point the mental wheeling can become it's own problem.
interesting comment
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AZZI
Stranger

Registered: 11/09/19
Posts: 239
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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I disagree with adding guilt to it.
That's pretty one-sided and wrong.
Don't stay around for guilt, that's not worth living for, and indeed is an added negative.
But, stay around because tomorrow is better.

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