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OfflineBackbone
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: InfiniteDreams]
    #26515636 - 03/03/20 11:21 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

I was having a self induced episode years back and I got in my car and im pretty sure I fell asleep for a short amount of time, that or I dont remember anything that was happening even after five seconds of experiencing it. I was drinking alot of water for days straight. If I did, I dont know how I didnt crash, kind of hoping itd happen from vitamin deficiency. I could be in hell... still weird shit happens in my waking life some of which I can explain or at least chalk up to insignificance of the human experience, my toilet breaking and fixing itself for example. That is my definition of hell a broken reality. At least if im on a drug theres no question that it influenced whatever i just experienced.


Edited by Backbone (03/03/20 11:28 PM)


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InvisibleGK-7
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: Backbone]
    #26520250 - 03/06/20 09:08 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Sorry guys still having a hard time to come back properly. The worst part was not being in hell it was what I felt at some points and it don't leave me for now.
I'm not an experienced user, I took something like a dozen trip the past five months ( 2.5g - 5g ). I had bad / challenging trip. But nothing like this one (3.7g tea and a week before that a 2g trip). It really took me off guard.
Yet, I feel, it's the one that will have the most positive impact in the future. It broke something that needed to be broken.


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Offlinefootpath
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: GK-7] * 2
    #26520266 - 03/06/20 09:23 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Think about it like rot.
You can't just remove the obviously decaying bits.
You have to cut into some of the healthy stuff around it so that it can all be repaired with new.


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OfflineCosmic Eye
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: footpath]
    #26521117 - 03/06/20 06:37 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Any time is a good time to watch Attack on Titan.

Whoa man..


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OfflineSurReality
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: GK-7]
    #26521311 - 03/06/20 08:38 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

GK-7 said:
It's a reminder. I'm still tripping hard.
In my first trip I was told not now ( Don't know who / what ) now I know why.
Apparently I died years ago. Suicide.
Hell is real.
Not punishment.
Suicide = you kill a light inside you and "demons" gets in.
Gods are guardians of minds.

Obviously I'm still alive

I already did that trip before
Several time
The guardian who allow me that trip looks like Samuel lee Jackson lol
I'm in hell because i killed myself

I'm a in a lot of physical pain right now. 4ll made a full report later.

Hell is no fun. The trip for getting in either.
God  I wish I hadn't kill myself




I'm having the same trip. It's not so bad once you get the hang of it... Immortality is a gift  to enjoy with the Right Choices. It will get better eventually, as forever is eternal. I suggest figuring out what u do that leads to the pain, break that cycle and grow your wings.


--------------------
ProDOPEFiend Diary: (my public diary)

PodCast


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InvisibleGK-7
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: SurReality]
    #26521772 - 03/07/20 07:39 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

footpath said:
Think about it like rot.
You can't just remove the obviously decaying bits.
You have to cut into some of the healthy stuff around it so that it can all be repaired with new.




I like that image.

Quote:

SurReality said:

I'm having the same trip. It's not so bad once you get the hang of it... Immortality is a gift  to enjoy with the Right Choices. It will get better eventually, as forever is eternal. I suggest figuring out what u do that leads to the pain, break that cycle and grow your wings.




That cycle has been broken. For years I wanted to die ( Not kill myself ). right now, not so much. And for once, I want to live for myself and not because I have to.

Thank you all for your reply. Always interesting to read you all.


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: GK-7]
    #26521881 - 03/07/20 09:03 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

GK-7 said:
That cycle has been broken. For years I wanted to die ( Not kill myself ). right now, not so much. And for once, I want to live for myself and not because I have to.




Pardon my French language, shroomerites, but fuck me. You’ve just described 45 years of my life!!! That is exactly how I felt from about the age of 8, until just a while back! Did actually try to do the deed 11 years ago, which was the final nail in the coffin that got me on SSRIs for 7 years!

Always wanted to die. That way I didn’t need to be concerned over the damage I’d leave behind for my family and friends to sort out. Always too cowardly to commit suicide (and fortunately my one attempt was stopped by a neighbour my wife had rung!), and the guilt about the damage it would have caused, get this, made my depression even deeper. Fucking mental! Never heard it described in that way by any other living human. Profound, thank you.

❤️❤️❤️
DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineBackbone
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26522336 - 03/07/20 02:36 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Been off ssris for probably about 5 weeks, i was getting alot of the sympotoms from discontinued use, I still am but im ok, my sleep kind of sucks...I still have weird thoughts. I dont think im mature enough for medicine, also same time i started to grow again and i guess i wasnt sure how the two wouuld react. I may "relapse" though, I think im too proud though.


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OfflinePsion
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: Backbone]
    #26523120 - 03/07/20 11:40 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Apologies ahead of time for the the looooong post...this is what happens when you wax philosophical as a hobby. >8(


I've had a lot of thoughts about life, death, and the afterlife, if one even exists. I grew up in a christian family, so I started off believing in God, before hitting puberty and discovering I was gay and hitting a massive spiritual roadblock that nearly destroyed me. I couldn't change who I was, yet I also couldn't be who I was and be with Christ, so something had to give. I chose myself... an admittingly selfish choice, but then again, the bible also frowns upon suicide, which I'm pretty sure spiritual suicide counts as. :P certainly it counts as living a lie, and would've led to actual suicide eventually. it took almost 3 years to reach that decision and nearly reached the suicide point anyways, with only my fear of death preventing it.

At any rate, I went a bit sour on Gods for a while after that, but I still was and am a philosophical person by nature. One of my more impactful musings on life came from playing a game called Final Fantasy XI that led to a stunning realization, though it seemed fairly simple at the time. in the introduction video, the narrator introduces the player to the world of Vanadiel:

"It all began with a stone, or so the legend says.
In ages past, a sentient jewel, enormous and beautiful, banished the darkness.
Its many-colored light filled the world with life, and brought forth mighty gods.
Bathed in that light, the world entered an age of bliss...
until, after a time, the gods fell into slumber.
That world was called ‘Vana'diel’."

Now, i had watched that trailer many many times over the months and few years I'd played that game, but out of a moment of boredom and wanting to see a behemoth rawr and smash a wall for the lulz, I wondered... how COULD a jewel have sentience? what would be required to make it possible? and then it hit me.

It was a metaphor. the jewel wasn't a physical jewel. Crystals have regular connections between its atoms, an underlying pattern. They have multiple facets, or faces, and often slight "imperfections" or "inclusions" that can color them, or cause them to have fault lines, or interesting imperfections, or patterns. sometimes this is actually a desired thing. the sentient jewel is a reference to how all living things are connected to each other, even if they don't seem possible at the time.

that plastic bag you throw in the garbage? it doesn't vanish in the aether. maybe it gets taken to china, the wind dislodges it along the way, a sea turtle mistakes it for a jellyfish, eats it, dies, things eat the dead sea turtle, and now there's microplastics in all sorts of sea critters, some of which people are probably going to eat in the future, and who knows how that will influence their bodies, for good or ill, and how that will alter their histories, also for good or ill?

and that's just from one tiny action of yours. granted, human beings tend to have unusually potent influence on the planet, but still, the butterfly effect is real for everything.

but back the the jewel metaphor. it means that in the end, we are all connected. you, me, fluffy, that fungus gnat you just killed, the fungus gnat that just respawned 2 seconds later because you know it's the same damn fungus gnat you just killed 2 seconds ago and not a new one, that creepy person you ring up at the checkup counter you just KNOW is some druggie nutcase (who, if you got to know them, is likely none of these things and probably one of the coolest people ever), that hot person you keep wanting to ask out on a date (who probably is the actual druggie and/or nutcase and needs help)... we're all connected. it's like we're all facets of that jewel, each of us shining our own colored light, our own personality. likewise, each of us is like a jewel, each of us maybe a dominant "color" or personality, but we have multiple facets or colors as well. maybe someone is predominantly cheerful or serious, or devil-may-care, but they still may show anger sometimes, or sadness.

What does this mean for our lives? it means that, for one thing, we need to live our lives as ourselves. We need to shine our OWN light, not pretend to be a color we're not, because to do so is akin to placing strain on a crystal, or creating fractures in the pattern. Likewise, treating others without respect, or other living things without respect, does the same - it strains the pattern, fractures the Crystal. Now, it's a tough old bird, and it's a Living Jewel, which means it can repair itself like any living thing and heal over time... but like any living thing, it can die if over-strained. and if it dies... we're all dead, because we are part of that pattern. a major part of it, in fact, and major influencers.

I'm not saying that we can't eat meat or anything like that - I'm just saying we shouldn't waste. use food reasonably, if you have leftovers, eat them or give them to people in need, or at least compost them, etc. Try and help others, but without sacrificing your own dreams. I know this is a weird way to think, but as Natsu from Fairy Tail once put it "friends don't die for each other - friends live for each other!" making yourself miserable to try and help your family, for instance, isn't noble - it's just sad. find a way to help them while preserving your own happiness.



....This...was supposed to be about the afterlife. ahem. I know this got a bit sidetracked, but this theme of the crystal, the many facets but oneness it represents is very important, a recurring theme in my trips. it's not only for all living things and for the many facets of an individual, you see, but for the many facets of reality. the multiverse, if you will. The impressions i kept getting, and i use the word because it's like the kind of knowledge you get without words, like knowing something is amusing when you hear it, is that when you die, you are reincarnated based on what you desired in your previous life. your deepest, truest desires of the heart, which leads to some interesting situations.

one of the impressions i got is that the less clear your desire is, the more there is of "fill in the blanks" that occurs. in other words, if your idea of desire is "die and go to heaven" and your idea of heaven is pearly white gates and that's about it, who knows what's gonna happen - there might be an actual angelic war and you might be a leader of the forces, maybe you might get bored after several thousand years of unending bliss and singing hymns... because there was another impression i got:

there is always an "out". in other words, death is always present, the opposite of life. it's not there to be solely a tyrant - it's also there to serve an important purpose, to prevent people from getting stuck in an eternal hell. and hell is a relative term - imagine someone being in an eternity of heaven and getting bored there... and being unable to end it. unending bliss, but eternal boredom. never changing, unending boredom. now imagine death coming along and say, upsurping the kingdom of god in the form of an angelic rebellion or something. terrible, but for some of those slain angels/souls, they may have found deaths embrace to be a welcome lift to their next step of the unending journey. Likewise, there might be someone stuck in a hell feeling they deserved it for their sins, but they feel like they no longer deserve it. eventually an adventurer comes along on accident via a portal and winds up rescuing them or something. That sort of thing.

Which leads to another thing - sometimes death is not needed to lead to an out, sort of like the tale of Enoch, who pleased God so much that he spared him death. In rare cases, (or easy to achieve ones :P) people who pursue their dreams and stay true to their goals and true selves can achieve them without dying. Actually, maybe this isn't terribly hard for most cases... but I wouldn't know, because I know my own dream involves adventuring to other worlds and learning magic and more so mine's not quite so easy to achieve. lol) So the next time you feel like whining about how impossible your goals are... remember...mine are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay harder than yours and I'm still trying after 20 years without quitting, so quit yer bitchin. lets see YOU try to literally invent magic. ...at any rate, due to the weird nature of the connectiveness of everything, when you desire something with your true heart, often opportunities will appear, to those who keep an eye open. that doesnt mean money will rain from the sky, per say, but you might see well paying jobs that you have skills for, or perhaps odd jobs you can do, or donating plasma for a bit of cash, etc.

which leads to a fourth thing: that universal consciousness is trying to experience...everything. and only YOU can experience the things that you want to feel, hear, and think. it wants you to live, die, be reborn, to grow physically, mentally, and spiritually. you can choose to retain your memories after you die if you so desire. you are not limited by form, by sex, (heck, you can be both sexes, neither, or something entirely new if you want) by physics.... the multiverse allows EVERYTHING. dream of it, wish for it, and you can make it come true... eventually. if not in this life, then the next.

And that leads to the conclusion - that's why it's so important to live this life to its fullest. that Crystal, that universal consciousness, is constantly nudging you, guiding you, hinting at things. it throws possibilities your way. many of my revelations I've had came from the most mundane of observations, from that trailer to the childish game of playing mazes with the grains of wood planks. Many great people I've met were from chance encounters that I decided to simply take a chance and stop to talk to them, even though they seemed a lil weird at the time. Many delicious foods I've discovered were tasted (ok so some were gross) despite the unease I had over their appearance or smell or both. How can you know what you want in life, if you don't even know what possibilities there are? How can you write a good story for yourself, if you don't even know what potential the world holds? The more zest you hold for life now, the better the story of your next life will be - if it even comes to that.

Perhaps you may achieve that status of an adventurer for whom life really is an unending journey of joy.


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InvisibleGK-7
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26525055 - 03/09/20 06:59 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

DJ Ed said:

Pardon my French language, shroomerites, but fuck me. You’ve just described 45 years of my life!!! That is exactly how I felt from about the age of 8, until just a while back! Did actually try to do the deed 11 years ago, which was the final nail in the coffin that got me on SSRIs for 7 years!

Always wanted to die. That way I didn’t need to be concerned over the damage I’d leave behind for my family and friends to sort out. Always too cowardly to commit suicide (and fortunately my one attempt was stopped by a neighbour my wife had rung!), and the guilt about the damage it would have caused, get this, made my depression even deeper. Fucking mental! Never heard it described in that way by any other living human. Profound, thank you.

❤️❤️❤️
DJ Ed




I'm glad I helped you to put words on something like this. Not putting words on how bad you feel can be really frightening sometimes.
From my understanding it's the lack of the "sparkle of life" that is responsible for that feelings.

Few years go I travelled in another country alone. At first I should have gone with a friend but he didn't. The second night at the hotel, I was smoking and suddenly I felt alive for the first time since, I can't even say. I felt so alive, it hurts me and made me cry for minutes. At that time I didn't really know what happened.
Now, I'm thinking I put the light back on inside me and that's why it hurts so much. And eventually when I came back in my old routine, the light went off again at some point. Anyway, all this for saying I "know" you can restart that sparkle, but the hardest part is to keep the flame alive through time. Because like any fire, you need to feed it ( With whatever is making you feel alive ) or it dies slowly.

Those past couple weeks I rebuilt a crappy bike I bought. Working on it and riding it felt so good. More than 10 years I didn't ride a bike ( It was something I loved when I was young ). It's not much but god it feels good.

Have a good day :heart:


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InvisibleD3_Myc
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: GK-7]
    #26525164 - 03/09/20 08:46 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

I’ve always suffered from suicidal depression, tried when I was 12, had a bad spell most of last year. I’ve kind of been in a good place last few months. Not sure if it’s the pineapple juice I’ve been drinking or just starting a new hobby so having something to be excited about. Maybe a little of both. Tried the zoloft, worst mistake of my life that stuff was beyond horrible.


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OfflineBackbone
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: D3_Myc]
    #26525366 - 03/09/20 11:28 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

I cant really make a good argument for anti depressants all i can say is dont stop immediately especially if youve taken them for more than a year


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: GK-7]
    #26525475 - 03/09/20 01:09 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

You’re very welcome 👍🏻


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: D3_Myc]
    #26525479 - 03/09/20 01:13 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Well I for one am glad you’re here, D3monic 👊🏻

It was learning to grow that distracted me long enough to get off the SSRIs and on the psilocybin. Me too, Sertaline (Zoloft) - not the worst mistake of my life as I do believe they helped save it; but staying on them long term, I would say the worst decision of my life.

I’d encourage anyone on these medications to consider getting off them as soon as is practically possible.

Are you aware there is no long term data on their effects, only sufficient short term research to get them FDA-approved? Scary shit people.....


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: Backbone]
    #26525492 - 03/09/20 01:18 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Backbone said:
I cant really make a good argument for anti depressants all i can say is dont stop immediately especially if youve taken them for more than a year




I would agree, only for “harm reduction” purposes. Apparently the weaning off period should last as long as the length of time you’ve been on them! So for me that would have been 7 years of withdrawal!

Tried at least 3 times to wean myself off under the doctors guidance and supervision, and each time I cracked at 9 days into the weaning off.

So I ignored all the medical advice and went more or less cold turkey and weaned myself off in 3 weeks; week 1 50% dose, week 2 25% dose, week 3 25% dose every other day.

Maybe I was lucky people, so do your own research and stay safe.

DJ Ed


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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OfflineBackbone
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26525546 - 03/09/20 01:55 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Youre supposed to talk to your psychiatrist because theyre supposed to taper you off, it took me like at least a week to realize i was getting side effects from stopping immediately. Lol idk that people shouldnt take it, its not like its heroin ya know? Its just our brains get so used to to having the right chemicals, having that taken away immediately is basically traumatic. It does put shit in perspective though. Random brain zaps, feeling like sobbing etc...


Edited by Backbone (03/09/20 02:28 PM)


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: Backbone]
    #26525683 - 03/09/20 03:31 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

My “brain zaps” lasted for months and months. As well as a like vertigo feeling; I’d move and my head would swim! Almost felt like a tracer - like I thought my head moved, then it would catch up! Loads of horrible side effects. Loads of horror stories online of people who’ve been on them long term.

I’ve now heard a few “famous” people mention this, but particularly relevant is Dr Rosalind Watts (she’s on the UK psilocybin research team so I trust her) - but basically the pharmaceuticals only ever did short term research on the side effects on people, ie. just enough to get them approved. Apparently there is NO data on the long term effects.....

My withdrawal period was enough to tell me they’re not doing us any good. That’s why when I discuss these days with people, I recommend they stay on them for the minimum time possible; get out of that depressive trough, then work out for yourself how to combat the depression.

Sounds easy, though, doesn’t it!! So much easier to stay on them and let your life rot away.......


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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InvisibleD3_Myc
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26525885 - 03/09/20 05:56 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

The only good thing they did was make me quit drinking for a few years because I’d get sick every time I did. The zaps, the getting sick if I was a few hours late taking... not for me. I felt so much better once I weaned off


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OfflinePlanter4848
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: GK-7]
    #26526147 - 03/09/20 08:45 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Ego death is not death death, you're gonna be good.


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Re: Apparently I died IRL years ago and I'm in hell [Re: D3_Myc]
    #26527446 - 03/10/20 02:11 PM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Loss of appetite, loss of libido, taking ages to reach orgasm (awesome at first - worlds greatest lover - but soon became really fuckin boring!), loss of positive emotions, and loss of any motivation to get out of the rut.

One factor in my ultimate decision to get off them was going to see Muse in concert at Manchester. Wanted to see them for ages, but leading up to it all I could think of was what an hassle it would be to get there etc. Didn’t get excited on the day, on the way there, or during the concert. It was only a few weeks afterward I thought; that was pretty good actually!

That my friend is really shit!


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



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by baraka
* ate mushrooms two days ago, still seeing the patterns
( 1 2 all )
Anonymous 3,002 20 04/01/03 05:18 PM
by SevHoeSev

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