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OfflineBuckomcdoogle
Atypical obsessive.
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Registered: 11/27/19
Posts: 932
Last seen: 8 months, 9 days
Be an enabler? or leave it alone?
    #26491214 - 02/18/20 06:18 AM (3 years, 11 months ago)

I have been in a bit of a weird situation as of late.

So, I have this friend that ive been talking to for many years.
I met him over the internet way back and weve continued to stay in contact.

Ive never actually met him in person, but over the last decade we have talked very regularly and became good friends.

Its weird, he had kids young, 2 of em, and over the past few years ive kind of seen his situation slowly evolve.

The last few months, things have been different.

Hes been talking kind of crazy, sometimes he messages me word salad when hes very drunk.

THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS LIKE WATCHING A CAR CRASH IN SLOW MOTION...

Ive lived around/with a lot of alcoholics/drug users over the years.

I know where this downward spiral ends.

What really messes me up about it is he has 2 kids.

The way he talks to me about his ever developing alcoholism and drug use, I just know its probably going to end badly.

Im kind of scared hes going to kill himself.

Im a drinker, and a bit of a cynic, I don't want to be an enabler.

But at the same time, I think hes a very lonely young guy that needs a friend.

Its not like there's anything I can tangibly do about it, he lives 2000 miles away and Ive never actually met him.

All that said, you cannot help someone who doesn't want help.

Be an enabler? Or leave it alone?

Neither ends well....


--------------------
"Nothing is more dangerous to your creativity than comfort and familiarity"

"Nihilism is the most basic truth in existence,
the only consistency throughout the world, and the universe is
chaos and decay"
"Logic leads to nihilism"



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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,706
Re: Be an enabler? or leave it alone? [Re: Buckomcdoogle] * 3
    #26491231 - 02/18/20 06:39 AM (3 years, 11 months ago)

nobody I know would chose to be at the front in a war, but when you are there you do what you can to help the wounded, and to hold back the enemy.

you don't need to be a hero, it would be best if you do not become another casualty. Do something to help and move on to the next situation safely and with dignity.

Let him know how serious it is to you.


--------------------
:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
Male

Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,030
Loc: USA Flag
Last seen: 6 hours, 49 minutes
Re: Be an enabler? or leave it alone? [Re: Buckomcdoogle] * 1
    #26493332 - 02/19/20 12:14 PM (3 years, 11 months ago)

People often choose behavior which is self-harming when they are lacking meaning and intimacy in their life. You can be there as a supportive caring friend without encouraging self harm. Maintaining a healthy boundary is important. You can love people without trying to save them.


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Invisiblelaughingdog
Stranger
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Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 4,829
Re: Be an enabler? or leave it alone? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #26494919 - 02/20/20 10:53 AM (3 years, 11 months ago)

of possible relevance:


"Gandhi and The Sugar Story

One day a mother and her son went to visit Gandhi. The mother needed help from one of the world’s greatest leaders.

It turns out, the little boy had an obsession with sugar and she went to seek Gandhi’s help on how to break her son’s sweet addiction.

“Gandhi, my son consumes far too much sugar, will you please tell him it’s bad for his health?”

After listening to the mother’s plea patiently, Gandhi refused to give the boy advice and told her to return in two weeks.

The mother left somewhat disappointed at Gandhi’s request.
Two weeks latter they returned.

Gandhi pulled the child aside and told him it would be best if he quit eating so much sugar. The boy did his best to cut back on sweets.

The mother then pulled Gandhi aside curious as to why he needed two weeks.

Gandhi smiled to her and said, “Two weeks ago I had an obsession with sugar."

I needed the time to see if I could cut back myself.”

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=Ghandi%2C+mother%2C+sugar&t=h_&ia=web

------------

.    Also trying to help people by telling them truth they can't handle may backfire.


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OfflineOldnameforgotten
Traveler
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Registered: 10/19/19
Posts: 956
Loc: Pilbara Australia Flag
Last seen: 2 years, 29 days
Re: Be an enabler? or leave it alone? [Re: Buckomcdoogle] * 1
    #26496180 - 02/20/20 10:04 PM (3 years, 11 months ago)

I can tell you 2 things that happened to me. They will point you in two different directions. So not much help can I be.


My father passed and could have possibly been assisted if I got him into exercise and spent time with him. I regret it all the time.


My brother is still alive and living terribly. No amount of "stop drinking cokes bro" or "you should exercise some" will ever make him live healthy. And now its at the point where me suggesting anything healthier just sounds patronizing.


I think the regret I feel from my father is worse than what I experience currently with my brother.

Just keep in mind people are stubborn as fucking dogshit and you may very well accomplish nothing.


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Invisiblelaughingdog
Stranger
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Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 4,829
Re: Be an enabler? or leave it alone? [Re: Oldnameforgotten]
    #26497076 - 02/21/20 02:21 PM (3 years, 11 months ago)

"Just keep in mind people are stubborn as fucking dogshit and you may very well accomplish nothing"

Or:  "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink"

.  Family may often be the hardest to have any influence over.


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OfflineBuckomcdoogle
Atypical obsessive.
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Registered: 11/27/19
Posts: 932
Last seen: 8 months, 9 days
Re: Be an enabler? or leave it alone? [Re: laughingdog]
    #26556238 - 03/25/20 01:00 AM (3 years, 10 months ago)

Not too long after I posted this I completely lost contact with him.

Im assuming the worst..

I tried, what else can you do.


--------------------
"Nothing is more dangerous to your creativity than comfort and familiarity"

"Nihilism is the most basic truth in existence,
the only consistency throughout the world, and the universe is
chaos and decay"
"Logic leads to nihilism"



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