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Oldnameforgotten
Traveler

Registered: 10/19/19
Posts: 956
Loc: Pilbara Australia
Last seen: 2 years, 28 days
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Icarus
#26496189 - 02/20/20 10:15 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I was swave and confident. I had all the answers. I felt kingly and never felt anxiety. What even WAS anxiety?
But I also didnt respect other people. I didnt value them. My only means of communication was getting what I wanted and making others think I am better than what the truth was. And that truth I didnt even know.
Now.... I'm awkward. Reclusive. I have better answers now but am questioning them infinitely after supplying them. I feel neutral or down 95+ percent of the time. I dont feel "correct".
But I am kind and honest. I do good as often as possible. Every response is this search for the best set of words for that particular moment. How can I do more? How can I be more polite? I hear people. My goal is to feel exactly their feelings. I inquire further on the most mundane experiences people share with me.
I am considered the "nice guy" everywhere I go. So hard to hate. I'm funny and charming and sweet. But as I'm walking away I'm thinking "Why the FUCK did you say that?!?!". And when I'm alone the evil dragon of anxiety comes and tortures me. Kill yourself it says. This is life now. Why do you want to be here?
Was it worth it?
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,361
Last seen: 4 hours, 18 minutes
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Weaken your position with some bombardment then overrun your resolve. The strategy is fool-proof.
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,942
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What spiritual entity do you partake belief in?
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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Oldnameforgotten
Traveler

Registered: 10/19/19
Posts: 956
Loc: Pilbara Australia
Last seen: 2 years, 28 days
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Re: Icarus [Re: sudly]
#26496345 - 02/21/20 01:29 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
sudly said: What spiritual entity do you partake belief in?
Agnostic
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,942
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Nice ,
Do the words energy, vibe or spirit have significance to you?
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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Rahz
Alive Again



Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,247
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Quote:
Oldnameforgotten said: I was swave and confident. I had all the answers. I felt kingly and never felt anxiety. What even WAS anxiety?
But I also didnt respect other people. I didnt value them. My only means of communication was getting what I wanted and making others think I am better than what the truth was. And that truth I didnt even know.
Now.... I'm awkward. Reclusive. I have better answers now but am questioning them infinitely after supplying them. I feel neutral or down 95+ percent of the time. I dont feel "correct".
But I am kind and honest. I do good as often as possible. Every response is this search for the best set of words for that particular moment. How can I do more? How can I be more polite? I hear people. My goal is to feel exactly their feelings. I inquire further on the most mundane experiences people share with me.
I am considered the "nice guy" everywhere I go. So hard to hate. I'm funny and charming and sweet. But as I'm walking away I'm thinking "Why the FUCK did you say that?!?!". And when I'm alone the evil dragon of anxiety comes and tortures me. Kill yourself it says. This is life now. Why do you want to be here?
Was it worth it?
What you seem to be describing is a swing between narcissism and reverse narcissism, or at least borderline reverse narcissism. There is a healthy middle.
Was what worth it?
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi
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laughingdog
Stranger

Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 4,829
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Re: Icarus [Re: Rahz] 1
#26497043 - 02/21/20 02:03 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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As rahz said perhaps a mood swing.
. Then again we know nothing about, how suddenly this happened, or if there was an event that may have had something to do with causing it. . If it was me I would be asking myself such questions. . You say there was a switch (at some time in the past (how long ago?)) from confident to awkward. . But you also say that currently, there is off & on anxiety and either thoughts or an inner voice, that tortures you.
. There is so much detail missing, that no one reading this, can even begin to really understand what you are going through. But what does come through is that you are suffering, and beginning to gain enough objectivity, to observe any patterns that are happening, so that you can make some rational decisions, about how to deal with these symptoms. . The fact that you find yourself being kinder, might mean that some sort of healing crisis may be going on, and that the torture is part of the process. . Only you are in a position to closely and at times objectively view the process, and determine, possible causes, and hunt down possible strategies for dealing with often feeling 'down'. . Sometimes taking Vitamin D3 helps with depression ( I too have had thoughts of suicide, but much less so now). Most folks are deficient in D3, a little research online will confirm this. I doubt this is the whole story behind the changes you're going through, but the issue may be many sided - I don't know- just one possibility among many.
Edited by laughingdog (02/21/20 02:10 PM)
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,942
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Quote:
laughingdog said: Sometimes taking Vitamin D3 helps with depression ( I too have had thoughts of suicide, but much less so now). Most folks are deficient in D3, a little research online will confirm this. I doubt this is the whole story behind the changes you're going through, but the issue may be many sided - I don't know- just one possibility among many.
Preliminary studies suggested vitamin D3 deficiencies were most likely to occur in groups who are obese, who have dark skin and who are older than age 65.
Vitamin D deficiencies aren't a concern for most people, in some cases there can be relevance but not often.
Quote:
For most adults, vitamin D deficiency is not a concern. However, some groups — particularly people who are obese, who have dark skin and who are older than age 65 — may have lower levels of vitamin D due to their diets, little sun exposure or other factors.
Too much vitamin D can be a problem too.
Quote:
Two reviews of observational studies and intervention trials reached the same conclusions: When parsing the observational data, both reviews found a correlation between depression and low levels of vitamin D (≤20 ng/mL). When parsing the trial data, both reviews found benefit from supplementation but also low methodological quality and high risk of bias.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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laughingdog
Stranger

Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 4,829
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Re: Icarus [Re: sudly]
#26499865 - 02/23/20 12:13 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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no idea what your source is, Sudly
Here is a respected source, with numerous studies.
https://nutritionfacts.org/video/the-optimal-dose-of-vitamin-d-based-on-natural-levels/
one minute into this one, cast doubts, on the accuracy of the source, you dug up.
"The Optimal Dose of Vitamin D Based on Natural Levels"
on page 2 or https://nutritionfacts.org/video/vitamin-d-recommendations-changed/
this is relevant
Vitamin D Recommendations Changed
Edited by laughingdog (02/23/20 12:14 PM)
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laughingdog
Stranger

Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 4,829
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also this one
https://nutritionfacts.org/video/vitamin-supplements-worth-taking/
Vitamin Supplements Worth Taking
As regards depression
https://www.webmd.com/depression/news/20120627/vitamin-d-deficiency-linked-to-depression#2
As I said "Sometimes taking Vitamin D3 helps with depression ( I too have had thoughts of suicide, but much less so now). Most folks are deficient in D3, a little research online will confirm this. I doubt this is the whole story behind the changes you're going through, but the issue may be many sided - I don't know- just one possibility among many."
As I said he provided minimal information, and much of it obviously does not sound like simple depression. He could even be going thru a healing process. Although he chose to talk about his problems here, no one here, is qualified, or really knows him, or has anywhere near enough data to be of much help.
Specifically on depression: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201307/vitamin-d-deficiency-and-depression
..."According to the CDC, in 2006 a whopping one-fourth of the population was deficient in vitamin D. Eight percent were "at risk" for vitamin D deficiency illnesses and one percent had levels that were considered imminently harmful. According to Natural News, vitamin D is "perhaps the single most underrated nutrient in the world of nutrition." ... ..."Of note: Canadian researchers reviewed 14 studies involving 31,424 participants and found a strong correlation between depression and a lack of Vitamin D. The lower the Vitamin D level, the greater the chance of depression. But the big question is still causality. Does one get depressed because of a deficiency of Vitamin D, or does depression lower the vitamin level?"...
As regards vitamin D3, anyone can either get a cheap supplement & try it, do more research, or get a blood test. It seems clear though that in most of the USA roughly north of Texas, most folks don't get enough sun (especially in winter) to have optimal blood levels, as the last video points out.
Edited by laughingdog (02/23/20 03:24 PM)
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,942
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It's 40% if they increase the threshold, change recommendations and overhaul previous research for vitamin D requirements.. 70% if it's more drastic, but then saying most people have a vitamin D deficiency would make sense.
I mean hey, it's a suggestion but maybe taking the foot off the pedal would help unmuddy these waters a bit.
Vitamin D could play a role in depression, however evidence-based nutritional recommendations for persons with depression and other mental disorders have not been determined.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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RJ Tubs 202


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,029
Loc: USA
Last seen: 5 days, 13 hours
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Quote:
Oldnameforgotten said:
I am considered the "nice guy" everywhere I go. So hard to hate. I'm funny and charming and sweet. But as I'm walking away I'm thinking "Why the FUCK did you say that?!?!". And when I'm alone the evil dragon of anxiety comes and tortures me. Kill yourself it says.
It appears you have a strong inner-critic who bashes you with negativity. You must learn that the voice of the inner critic is not your own. Observe it's berating mean nature. Don't fight it. Accept it's part of being human. Learn to see self-hatred for what it is - when you feel you're not "correct". Beware of all brain messages that tell you something is wrong with you.
And stop trying to be a "nice guy" - that's coercion. It harms intimacy.
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Spiralspider
Bigguy

Registered: 06/20/16
Posts: 223
Last seen: 3 months, 15 days
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Theres nothing to do now, just accept that skills can be forgotten. But dont loose hope because while we are alive theres something that can be done.
Anxiety is that thing you dont remember but doesnt allow you to do certain things. The thing is... if we are learning everyday as we are we wont stop learning sometimes bad stuff .
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,703
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that's the thing isn't it. you can unlearn things that you learned.
you learned things by repetition - aka 'practice'
the issue with suicidal thoughts, is that you have to try to think them at least once, and then you have to think them again, and if you do think something at least 3 times in a row then you have established a form of practice.
if you practice something it sticks with you until it fades to fade the pattern from your repertoire, you need to work on the links, or associations that lift the pattern into your mental stage. Those links can be attached to some new pattern which will over print the new thought which after some repetition will occur naturally in any flow of ideas.
I find that warnings on pharmaceuticals that indicate "possible suicidal thinking" are absurd! thinking is associative content, the drugs affect modalities of overall mental activation not specific content. You might just as well say that Prozac has caused Trump. before Prozac there was no trump but after Prozac lots of trump. some ideas are just foolish.
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Oldnameforgotten
Traveler

Registered: 10/19/19
Posts: 956
Loc: Pilbara Australia
Last seen: 2 years, 28 days
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Quote:
Buster_Brown said: Weaken your position with some bombardment then overrun your resolve. The strategy is fool-proof.
This really hit home. Its hilarious to see it written that way. I handicapped myself then played the game until life ground me up into pieces. I remember I felt like I was strong enough to take life with the handicap. Clearly I was wrong. That bitch grinds you up good and fine doesnt she?
Quote:
laughingdog said: As rahz said perhaps a mood swing.
. Then again we know nothing about, how suddenly this happened, or if there was an event that may have had something to do with causing it. . If it was me I would be asking myself such questions. . You say there was a switch (at some time in the past (how long ago?)) from confident to awkward. . But you also say that currently, there is off & on anxiety and either thoughts or an inner voice, that tortures you.
. There is so much detail missing, that no one reading this, can even begin to really understand what you are going through. But what does come through is that you are suffering, and beginning to gain enough objectivity, to observe any patterns that are happening, so that you can make some rational decisions, about how to deal with these symptoms. . The fact that you find yourself being kinder, might mean that some sort of healing crisis may be going on, and that the torture is part of the process. . Only you are in a position to closely and at times objectively view the process, and determine, possible causes, and hunt down possible strategies for dealing with often feeling 'down'. . Sometimes taking Vitamin D3 helps with depression ( I too have had thoughts of suicide, but much less so now). Most folks are deficient in D3, a little research online will confirm this. I doubt this is the whole story behind the changes you're going through, but the issue may be many sided - I don't know- just one possibility among many.
Basically I had a life event take place as well as a high dose of acid. I pretty much changed overnight about 10 years ago now. I decided to stop lying. It took years to finally stop after deciding that of course.
But what I've noticed is that I am just horribly depressed. My face is literally stuck in the sad face position. I get asked all the time "Are you okay?". Just going about my business. I have started just using the "This is just my neutral face." line to end the convo. The depression I can tolerate. I'd prefer it not to be there so I can live a better life.... but I can tolerate the depression.
Whats hard is the anxiety. That bitch kicks like a mule. If I wasnt afraid of death I can tell you for sure I would have killed myself years ago. I now FULLY understand how people kill themselves. This is absolute torture. I dont want to sound like the pity party guy. Eeoyore or some guy on welfare. I work every day and dont take handouts. I also dont tell anyone about this. I need that voice to shut the fuck up. I go through the day and focus so hard on doing everything in a way that I wont regret later when I come home. And every day I find a thing and I dwell on it. Sometimes its a big thing and it goes for hours.
And I mean we are just talking like.... being nice to a girl I work with but not trying to flirt with her and saying something to be nice and now wondering if she thinks I flirted with her and now im a creep. Stupid fucking nonsense shit. For one no way she caught those vibes... and for 2 if she did it doesnt fucking matter. I want to find this little FUCK in my brain and stab him to fucking death.
Another one is like offering 2 dollars for a smoke off someone because im trying to quit. 2 bucks is a damn good deal for a smoke.... I'm clearly not being a bum. But then I get 2 different anxiety trains. 1st one is "oh no i look like a beggar and they will look down on me" 2nd one is "you cant quit smoking and youre going to buy another pack".
I KNOW everyone deals with this stupid shit. It feels like the fucking plague for me and it has for years now. I am going fucking crazy.
Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:
Oldnameforgotten said:
I am considered the "nice guy" everywhere I go. So hard to hate. I'm funny and charming and sweet. But as I'm walking away I'm thinking "Why the FUCK did you say that?!?!". And when I'm alone the evil dragon of anxiety comes and tortures me. Kill yourself it says.
It appears you have a strong inner-critic who bashes you with negativity. You must learn that the voice of the inner critic is not your own. Observe it's berating mean nature. Don't fight it. Accept it's part of being human. Learn to see self-hatred for what it is - when you feel you're not "correct". Beware of all brain messages that tell you something is wrong with you.
And stop trying to be a "nice guy" - that's coercion. It harms intimacy.
Yeah thats what I've seen from some google searches for advice. I've been adopting a "mantra". Which is definitely not something I would ever do. I basically just start saying out loud "Thoughts are just thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts."
I try very hard to avoid coercion. I just want to be a good influence on people. I want their days to be better. Like honestly I do.
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Oldnameforgotten
Traveler

Registered: 10/19/19
Posts: 956
Loc: Pilbara Australia
Last seen: 2 years, 28 days
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Yeah and as far as my Icarus and was it worth it bits.....
Icarus is who I feel like I am. Had these giant wings capable of anything and I flew right up into that fucking sun and she burnt the fuck out of me and now I cant fly anymore.
Was it worth it? I reckon it wasnt. I am objectively less happy now than I was. I'd probably be more successful as well. Friends family kids fancier job. This me is more open and aware but what does all that matter if the only thing it grants me is suffering? Lol. Its fucking hysterical. Wheres the job for the guy who can tell you the reason you said the thing you just said on a deeper level of thought than you grasped when you said that thing? (lol at how maze-like that sentence got)
I mean I make a good living. Very good job. Its just so fucking frustrating that I have this thing in my head that has no fucking use except to burn me alive from the inside.
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kitten6
hiker

Registered: 05/13/19
Posts: 96
Loc: UK 0161
Last seen: 18 days, 17 hours
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its one thing to learn to live with the truth without a strong ego. Even if you feel like you may have been doing better now if you hadn't remembered the truth always remember that once you stop giving a shit about the truth you become like the rest of them. In fact you are more easily manipulated and cheated in society. If you are intelligent (do well in college) but still blindly conform to the contradictions, you will do well in society. but at the end of the day your just another cog in the system, blind to the truth. Now remember that it is good that you live with the truth, and now if you only feel worse now, remember that your suffering is necessary, what makes you think that anyone deserves to live without suffering (or reduced suffering). Nobody is worthy to live lives without suffering. If you block out suffering and conform to your basic desire you will end up dying with fear. and that fear will be brought with you into the next life and the next.
Take your pains and embrace them. And once you can accept your pain, and realise how natural your pain really is. It will make it easier to learn about yourself and once you have learned about yourself, you can forget yourself and lose all fear of anything. Once you have lost fear then you can die in peace, and you will end up in a place where you really belong. Forget yourself listen to the heart and live life following the thing that really makes you, you. You become a true individual, capable of anything. But always remember your suffering, don't forget your suffering.
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WASTE

Registered: 12/15/19
Posts: 114
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 2 days, 6 hours
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"The fact is, I no longer believe in my infallibility. That is why I am lost"
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,703
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Re: Icarus [Re: WASTE]
#26525987 - 03/09/20 07:04 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
WASTE said: "The fact is, I no longer believe in my infallibility. That is why I am lost"
maybe it is a sign of aging.
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WASTE

Registered: 12/15/19
Posts: 114
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 2 days, 6 hours
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I think its fundamental to aging. I assume that everyone experiences perspective shattering moments at least once in their lives. Overcoming the feeling of being lost just comes from reconstructing a perspective that can integrate whatever dismantled it in the first place.
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