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positivethinking
Stranger
Registered: 02/20/20
Posts: 7
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
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Having an existential crisis. 2
#26495360 - 02/20/20 02:46 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I am 21 and dropped out of university, I have 0 friends (seriously, not an understatement). I just struggle to fit in with anyone anymore, I know some hippes nearby but kind of ghosted them.
On my last shroom trip around 2 weeks ago I realized that the real reason for my depression was toxic parents and lack of desire. I felt the urge to move out and get a job which is hard but I promised myself I wouldn't give up. Most jobs only offer part time hours, and the jobs that offer full hours are ignoring my applications.
I feel like I sort of want to live in a commune, but there are three things stopping me 1) I am unsuccessful in life, so running away would be an act of cowardice and not courage. Why would any commune want me, I would just poison it. 2) I want to trip more, for self-development, I really am not tripping enough as I have no friends and my parents are anti-drugs meaning I can only do shrooms whilst they are at work. Most communes have a no drug policy, honestly if there was a commune in England that had regular tripping I would move in tomorrow. 3) I want to save up to try iboga, there would basically be no way to earn that amount of funds in communal living.
I am planning to go back to university in September, but really want some goals before then. It seems really hard to get a job and pay for rent without a student loan.
I have no idea what to do, life is complicated.
Another factor is, who wants to spend all week working in retail or a warehouse just for a small room? Damn, life is hard.
What do I do?
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psi
TOAST N' JAM


Registered: 09/05/99
Posts: 31,458
Loc: 613
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Stick around, some lifelong friendships are formed on here. What were you studying?
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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,331
Loc: subtropics
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Here is some comedy to ponder.
(spoken) Hey, man, what are you really into? Huh?
The elusive butterfly has just tiptoed past my door My bonny likes the Yankees, she says "hey t-bone what's the score?" I say "well, Randie, ahh... 1 and 1 and 3 and 25 is 6 to 4" Is the left wing really pinko? Colonel Sanders, what a bore. You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose? Is it schizoid paranoia or just existential blues?
The amenities of life have been chasing my soul And my mind is transcendental, and I'm losing all control And I'm sinking in the quagmire of illusions and Thoreau I cry out "My name is T-Bone" as a hound dog digs a hole. You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose? Is this Plato's heebie-jeebies or just existential blues?
Sailing, sailing, what is illusion, what is truth? Sailing, sailing, over the existential blues. God bless America, and Old Glory too. May she always wave o'er us with the red, white and existential blues. Hey!
Bah-bidah-bah bidah-bidam-bom bida-bom-bida-bom dah-ang-i-dang-dang ding The existential blues. Hey you can do what you want but lay off my existential blues My blue suede existential blues.
I was on a QUEST to dream the impossible dream Walking down the road one day, doo-dah, doo-dah I was walking down the road I was looking for the truth of life When I came across all these little people, little people Little people all around me.
They looked up at me and said "Hey Mister, are you tall?" And I said "Yes I'm tall, but who are you weird little wonders?" And they looked up at me with their big bloodshot eyes and said "We are the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids We are the lollipop kids, we'd like to welcome you to munchkin land."
I said "Hey, hey, weird little wonders, I am on a quest to dream the impossible dream Walking on the road one day, doo-dah, doo-dah" I said "Hey kids I'm looking for the truth of life... Where do I go? Who do I see?"
"Slow down mister. In order to find the truth of life, one must see THE WIZARD!" I said "The WIZARD????" Well where does this wizard oh wise one live?" "You see the big green glow-in-the-dark house up on the hill? I said "Yes, I see the big green glow-in-the-dark house up on the hill" With the big dark forest between me and the big green glow-in-the-dark house up on the hill. And a little old lady on a Hoover vacuum cleaner going "I'll get you my little pretty, and your dog Toto too!" I don't even HAVE a little dog Toto...
Such predicaments! I must forge ahead to dream the impossible dream Walking down the road one day, doo-dah, doo-dah I must find the truth of life I said "but you know kids, I can handle the big green glow-in-the- dark house up on the hill, I can handle the dark forest, I can handle the little old lady and the very strange road they're sending me down... I've seen yellow stripes in the middle of the road, but kids, never quite that wide!"
Alright, tighten your shorts pilgrim, and sing like the Duke: Follow the yellow brick road (come on!) Follow the yellow brick road (everybody sing!) Follow follow follow follow follow Follow the yellow brick road If ever a wonderful Wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is one because because because because because because Because of the wonderful things he does. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, ha-ha We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Well, I got a little bit tired of Walking down the road one day, doooo-dahhhhh, dooooo-daaaaahhhhhh. A little bit tired of walking down this old blinding yellow brick road So I pulled my little tired body off to a little rest area, And lo and behold there's a little field of little red flowers out there [Sniff] Smells so good. Whoa! I was gettin' pretty tired. Smells so good [sniff] Well I'll just stretch out in this little field of... poppies poppies poppies poppies poppies poppies .... Hey, what a strange dream man, you know The little red flowers just smell awfully good And I was really tired and old wizard's just going to have to wait, man. 'Cause I'm just gonna stretch out again in this little field of ... poppies poppies poppies poppies poppies poppies .... OhgodohgodDorothyDorothypoppiesfieldpoppiesfield...
Along came this old man in a green El Dorado two Screeched to a halt. A little short man with a big red nose, toting a bottle of Yukon Jack, Strolled up to me and said "hey, son" I said "Old man, don't bother me, poppies poppies poppies poppies" He said "T-Bone" I said "wait a minute, this man knows my name! He must be... THE WIZARD!!!!" You must be the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz, Why have you come to haunt me, O Wizard of Oz? I said "Oh Wizard O Wise one, I've been on a quest to dream the impossible dream Walking down the road one day, doo-dah, doo-dah We are the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids Follow the yellow brick road follow the, follow the... I got tired, poppies poppies poppies poppies ... I said, "Oh man, I've been through hell!"
He said "hey, son, slow down and relax!" I said "But Wizard, oh wise one, I've come so far to find the truth of life" He said "Hey, son, slow down and relax." he says, "Uh, to tell you the truth, son..." I said "Wizard, that's what I've come to find is the truth" He said "no, no, no, son, you've got me all wrong. To tell you the truth, son, uh, how can I tell you this? Uh, I've been in this field of poppies a long time, myself, and I've come to find, son, that the only truth in life is right here in this bottle." I said "WIZARD!!!?!??!?" He said "No, truly, son, in fact, I'd rather have this bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!"
How profound, Wizard!
Some girl with psychic powers, she said "T-bone, what's your sign" I blink and answer "Neon," I thought I'd blow her mind. She's reading Moby Dick, by some fruitcake named Herman. She's chomping on a knockwurst Was the duchess really German? You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose? Is this really Butte, Montana or just existential blues?
Really Butte, Montana... is as Plato's heebie-jeebies.. Is this schizoid paranoia....
la-la-la-la-la-la-la
EXISTENTIAL BLUES
source: https://www.lyricsondemand.com/s/stankastbonelyrics/existentialblueslyrics.html
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Dilsnique
Admiral Admirable


Registered: 04/22/14
Posts: 3,800
Loc: Netherworld
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
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Further information must be gathered to make an assessment.
What are you studying? How are your parents toxic? Why do you think that you do not have any friends? Could any of the hippies you mentioned become a future friend? Is tripping the only way to increase the self-development you seek?
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bootedboy
SpaceCowboy



Registered: 06/30/08
Posts: 1,381
Last seen: 2 months, 22 days
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I would advise that you put down the drugs and that will help your depression and ambition. Take it from me, I am a terribly bad alcoholic and I used to think my depression would never go away until I stopped drinking and using drugs for awhile and I realized that was one of the major things that was causing it. I still drink and take drugs occasionally but when I feel myself losing control and becoming depressed I stop again for awhile, which was something I previously never believed was possible. You need to try and find yourself with a clear head.
-------------------- Ask me about ARX!!!
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positivethinking
Stranger
Registered: 02/20/20
Posts: 7
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
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Re: Having an existential crisis. [Re: Dilsnique] 1
#26495505 - 02/20/20 03:46 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Dilsnique said: Further information must be gathered to make an assessment.
What are you studying? How are your parents toxic? Why do you think that you do not have any friends? Could any of the hippies you mentioned become a future friend? Is tripping the only way to increase the self-development you seek?
I was studying computer science. I have no passion for the course. My university was sort of crappy so getting a graduate job will require lots of effort. My parents just wanted me to go so they could brag about me having a degree. Basically I felt like I was going to have to put too much effort into the course, just to graduate into a job I don't even want for the rest of my life. Which caused me to procrastinate and eventually fall behind and drop out. I can restart the final year in September which I might honestly do just to move out. And because I was procrastinating so much I had no goals in life and felt stuck and going nowhere.
My parents are over-controlling and never allowed me to use my own intuition to solve problems as a child, made me develop low self-esteem, defeatism, and no competence at all. I think most children fail to become adults because their parents were too controlling and when they have to go out into the world by themselves they struggle. They have never shown any affection to me or each other and it has always kind of been a dysfunctional family. I guess you have to be from a dysfunctional family to understand fully the impact of growing up as a child being shouted at and hit just for leaving the light on in your bedroom when you go downstairs because it wastes money, things like that. A lot of time children are ignorant to abuse and could grow up completely in denial.
To connect to others I realized it would take major efforts of reprogramming my subconscious. Honestly most of my family is like this and I have noticed all my cousins are struggling to transition into adulthood, I blame the parenting. I struggle to make friends because of my low self-esteem and abusive relationship with my family, during a shroom trip I realised that I was always drawn to friendships with others that were abusive and toxic towards me because I was used to it from my parents and knew no better. For example my best friend during school was over-controlling, everything had to be done his way, he was a real bully lol. He was the only person I was able to connect with because that is the only relationship with others I know. After a while our relationship fell apart completely, I was starting to be less affirmative and standing up for myself. I had started lots of combat sports. I never understood why our relationship separated but even at a subconscious level where he couldn't control me he had no desire to be around me at all. I'm not really that bothered though and his life has ended up bad, he basically pisses everyone off and has ended up with 0 friends and has tried to kill himself. I hold no grudges and realise his actions were caused by a toxic relationship with his dad. He is really struggling in the adult world. I hope everyone can develop and become a loving person.
I feel like most friendships are done to be beneficial for both parties, usually in the form of status. School is a great example of this everyone wants to be friends with the popular and good-looking kids. Most people aren't kind enough to develop friendships without some form of benefit to them. Someone who is popular wont want to be friends with someone who is seen as a "loser" as they are worried what others will think, someone who is popular will be friends with others that are already popular meaning that their status and social circle will be boosted.
Sorry I am moaning on and being negative.
Because of my struggles and life experiences I am an extremely empathetic person and would develop a strong uplifting friendship with others, I will have plenty of opportunities when I begin work or if I start school again.
Tripping, reading, and walking(thinking in nature) has been beneficial for my epiphanies. I am also spending money on counseling but would probably not be as open without the aid of psychedelics. I reflect on our sessions whilst under the influence. He knows I do drugs but obviously doesn't encourage it. He actually had experience with a ton of MDMA in the 90s and one shroom trip made him quit all drugs and become a counselor lol.
If I was to begin uni again I would probably try and work for maps or something related when I graduate just because its been such a huge help to my life.
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positivethinking
Stranger
Registered: 02/20/20
Posts: 7
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
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Re: Having an existential crisis. [Re: bootedboy] 1
#26495533 - 02/20/20 04:01 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
bootedboy said: I would advise that you put down the drugs and that will help your depression and ambition. Take it from me, I am a terribly bad alcoholic and I used to think my depression would never go away until I stopped drinking and using drugs for awhile and I realized that was one of the major things that was causing it. I still drink and take drugs occasionally but when I feel myself losing control and becoming depressed I stop again for awhile, which was something I previously never believed was possible. You need to try and find yourself with a clear head.
Thanks for the advice but I don't use any recreational drugs and probably only trip about once a month on average.
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psi
TOAST N' JAM


Registered: 09/05/99
Posts: 31,458
Loc: 613
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I studied CS as well, enjoyed it a lot but did not finish the degree.
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lifeiswhatyoumake
Sake Psychic sig


Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 16,779
Last seen: 13 hours, 36 minutes
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Hey, read your whole post. First off, you shouldn't do drugs while you live at your parents house. End of story. You will save yourself a LOT of headaches by following this simple rule. You should focus on improving your life so you can move out and then once you have your own place you can do drugs if you want.
Some good goals for you to work towards while waiting for school to resume in September:
1. Eat healthy diet 2. Exercise 3. Study and get ready for upcoming semester. 4. Be a pleasant human to be around. People feel other people's energies. Try doing fun stuff with your parents once in a while. Hit up your hippy friends you said you've ghosted. Why'd you ghost them? 5. Don't do drugs while you live at your parents' house.
-------------------- Check out my new psytrance track "Sake Psychic": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xyEPGfiDrA ;
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VP123
Strange



Registered: 06/27/19
Posts: 1,344
Loc: Midwest
Last seen: 1 hour, 28 minutes
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It is impossible to be good at something you don't like. In this case I'm referring to your choice of CS studies. Having said this, if you are one year away from finishing, it is worthy to put the extra effort and finish what you started. Your other option is to start from the very beginning again. You can try applying what you learn to something you like.
Being popular is not what leads to true friendships. A popular kid only has lots of acquaintances. When he/she looses what made him/her popular, every "friend" disappears.
It sucks to be in a dysfunctional family but we don't choose that. However, we can make plans to get the hell out by becoming independent. I grew up in that environment. As soon as I could, I got out of the house. It is not easy and sacrifices are required. When I was younger there were times I wondered how I was going to eat but it got better with time.
Seek friends that you can do things together with (other than drugs). Playing soccer, hiking, singing,....whatever rocks your boat and is legal. I would not seek friends based on how they can help me but rather how we can have fun together.
Hang in there. Don't despair but don't get too comfortable either.
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remake


Registered: 01/05/16
Posts: 4,178
Loc: South Africa
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You're still young, man. So that's good. What to say?
Well, I can tell you all of us are all alone to some degree, but also not really, because there are billions of us.
You're also on the shroomery now, which is pretty dope. 
Personally, I don't think there's something like a 'perfect family'. Many of the times we also assess our parents as being stuck-up or toxic, they might be a bit fearful of the world, like many people are, and that fear can come from a place of love. Obviously abuse is never okay, though.
The world is also a world of images that make things appear other than they truly are. People take photos and smile while they are sad inside, etc.
Anyway, point is, you're not alone...not really. And you'll get where you'll need to be.
Computer Science is a hectic course, though. Life never quite pans out like we want it to, but we can choose to breathe in and out, and take it day by day, and embrace our surroundings. All of us are together on earth, right now, and maybe a friend is just over there, or here, or anywhere.
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pirate-blues



Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 13,695
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Re: Having an existential crisis. [Re: remake] 3
#26495732 - 02/20/20 05:50 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hey now, an existential crisis can be healthy every once in a while.
You're young and the world is yours for the taking. How close are you to getting your degree? What country are you located in? If you are super close to finishing then honestly I'd just get it done tbh. You don't have to go into tech, but just having a degree(saying this as someone who's 27 and now going back to school to finish a CS degree, mostly due to an existential crisis of my own) will open up a lot of doors in a lot of fields you have no experience in. For a while I was of the opinion that you didn't need one, as I was able to get my door into the industry without one - but things get much easier when you do have one. You'll have more options, and more options is a huge advantage when you're just starting out. You might end up in a totally unrelated field on a management track simply because someone wanted to check the BS degree box.
You might have to move to find work, might have to take an unrelated job for a bit while you're on the hunt, but it seems like that could do you some good. You don't have to have it all figured out right now, but if you've got a year left to go, I personally would just crush it now. Especially because it'll get you away from your parents who seem well-intentioned..but quite frankly, like a nightmare to live with.
I would also focus on finding 3 things in your life. Hobbies, passions, things to do, whatever. One that stimulates your mind, one for your body, and one for your spirit(I'm not religious myself, so I mean this more in the context of something you find mentally grounding and helpful, something that centers you).
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Shiithead
Your Huckleberry



Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 9,997
Loc: God's Flat Green Earth
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Re: Having an existential crisis. [Re: pirate-blues]
#26495806 - 02/20/20 06:30 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Op is gay.
Also welcome. Take 7 grams and post in week.
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Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Psalm 12:6 The words of the Lord are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times. Hebrews 11:3 Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear. Revelation 3:11 Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.
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Led Zeppelin
Tripper


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 3,962
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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Re: Having an existential crisis. [Re: Shiithead]
#26495824 - 02/20/20 06:36 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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OP this would be the perfect time in your life to take a chance on whatever your dream is. Most don’t try and most that failed didn’t try hard enough. You got no kids, no wife, no dog, no lease, just go do it.
You do not want to be middle aged and working some dumb job with a BS degree wasting away eith regret. Just knowing that you gave it your best shot will keep you going.
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Shiithead
Your Huckleberry



Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 9,997
Loc: God's Flat Green Earth
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Re: Having an existential crisis. [Re: Led Zeppelin]
#26495847 - 02/20/20 06:43 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I thought you were dead?
Also take this poster's advice OP. (S)He is right.
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Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Psalm 12:6 The words of the Lord are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times. Hebrews 11:3 Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear. Revelation 3:11 Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.
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pirate-blues



Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 13,695
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Re: Having an existential crisis. [Re: Shiithead]
#26495861 - 02/20/20 06:50 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I don't think we should be encouraging kids to drop out of school and calling it "right". At most it's just another choice.
You can always leave the 9-5 lifestyle and find your true calling(lol whatever the fuck that highschool guidance counselor shit is) , you can end up going into a trade and being middle aged and unhappy and staring down a broken body from all the manual labor, there is always time to change things - but it's a lot harder to go back and finish school and break into a young industry when you're older.
OP - are your parents paying this? If not, how much debt are you in? Don't end up paying off a degree you never finished. That sucks. You're so close, and you don't need to have the future figured out at all at this point. But I seriously encourage you to just finish it. Unless you're at like University of Pheonix or some shit, then it doesn't matter that the school is subpar. It's a box to tick. Not saying that it's fair that society is like it, but you'll have an easier time in 5 years than if you would if you dropped out.
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,987
Last seen: 11 minutes, 23 seconds
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Re: Having an existential crisis. [Re: pirate-blues]
#26495911 - 02/20/20 07:21 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Do some pushups then get your shit together, sitting around feeling bad for yourself literally does nothing 
Edit: Welcome to shroomery!
-------------------- Those content with the least have the most.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
Edited by spirit_shadow (02/20/20 07:22 PM)
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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,331
Loc: subtropics
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I came form a dysfunctional family as well, single mom in the 70's with kids. My abuse wasn't physical, it was mental due to my mom being absent and it was just me and my older brother (3 years). You may not have had choices in things, but now you do. I blamed my mom for a long time and I think subconsciously helped me justify my own toxic behavior towards friends and also picking toxic "friends" to be around.
You can keep blaming and stay in a loop of this way of being, or you can begin to make better choices (like finishing school) and begin to shape and mold your own reality. The world doesn't stop, you have to get in it while your here and make the best of it. There are peaks and valley's, and that's the way it is. The lows are what make the highs so good! Then one can see and reflect on those lows and learn from them. Mistakes will be made, and you learn from those hopefully. (which you'll make, and so did I, believe me!) There is some very important and solid advice in here. (ignore the negative hard nosed posts)
I was a HS dropout, and looking back wished I had taken a different route. I went back to school at 42yo and got a nursing degree, so it can be done, but it's really hard out there for job options with no degree unless you start your own business, or have connections, but eventually if working for someone or a company, you'll need certain degrees to get to certain levels.
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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,331
Loc: subtropics
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Re: Having an existential crisis. [Re: pirate-blues]
#26495935 - 02/20/20 07:32 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Well he posts like his name implies at least, lol!
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zZZz
jesus


Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
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it's not ur fault op 
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