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OfflineDeja
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Registered: 02/14/20
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Dmt - Hyperslap, kiss of death and Post Traumatic Stress. A journey to the end of life
    #26486411 - 02/15/20 01:34 AM (3 years, 11 months ago)

 

I posted this on the dmt nexus but thought I share here as well. I would love to start a dialogue with all of you and wish all safe journeys.


https://www.dmt-nexus.me/forum/default.aspx?g=posts&m=1039819#post1039819



It took me quite a while to ready myself to share my last journey with you but in doing so I hope for healing and possibly some clarity from the nexus community. Forgive me for the long post. 

I feel it is important to write a little introduction and to consolidate the life events that got me to this point!

I started my account almost 8 years ago but somehow life's circumstances kept me away from posting.
I first started to extract the molecule in 2011 and for the next two years journeyed around 50+ times, excluding all the journeys on LSD and the wonderful Cyanescens.

At that time I was on a huge spiritual search, with the intent to discover who I was and why I came to this earth and believe that the spice and other medicines played a major role in guiding me in the right direction.

In 2013 I was introduced to a Peruvian medicine person as well as some Cree First Nations Elders and started to learn from both traditions. All my focus and energy went into my study and practice and the journeying slowed down dramatically. In the last 8 years I maybe used mushrooms once or twice a year and because I ran out of spice I maybe took the molecule four times all together.

I also started a family and currently have 2 young children, with a third one the way. This was also a drastic shift in my life and changed how easily I could take time for myself and when and how I used those sacred medicines.

Having my own children also brought up some fears about life that I was unaware of when I was single and this has been reflected in my most recent travels to hyperspace. One of the strongest fears at that time was the fear of a premature death. To loose it all mainly because I would not take care of my own body (I drank a lot of red bull at the time and and in my early 20s I struggled with a cocaine addiction). I was mainly afraid of having a hard attack and this reflected itself in the following journey.

Anyhow, a few months ago I heard the call again loud and clear and started a couple of extractions. The result, beautiful white crystals and I got excited.
This lead me to a couple journeys and the last one, a hyperslap (I think) which I will never forget.

Last fall I went out and gathered some fresh psilocybin cyanescens and my friend and I embarked on a epic journey into the world of spirit. After the mushrooms subsided we both decided that it would be a good idea to bring out the spice to prolong the journey. So far I have always noticed that while on mushrooms, the underlying fear before takeoff is greatly diminished and we filled the pipe with some yellow spice without hesitation. Here I must note that in all my trips with the spice we never measured it but became comfortable in eyeballing it. We had great success so far but as the story will reveal this was mostly ignorant on my part.

The first journey was remarkably breathtaking. There was a symbiotic relationship between the spice and the cyanescense, the two enhanced each other and the beauty of it was almost indescribable. 

We both yearned for more and convinced ourselves to test out the new white crystals. We filled the bubble pipe with an amount that was significantly larger than the usual doses and looked at each other, questioning if this would be way too much.
We decided to both take one inhale each, with the hopes that we would not be able to evaporate a too high dose at once, but enough to carry us away into hyperspace.

My friend went first, inhaled, passed me the pipe and laid down holding his breath. I followed him instantly, taking in a huge breath and before I could even blow out the smoke or put down the pipe I new that I made a grave mistake.

I somewhat flung the pipe on the living room table with the last sense that I could muster and tried to lay down unto the couch. It hit me like I was never hit before. I shot up sitting on the couch with eyes open, instant death and terror screamed in every fiber of my soul. There was no come up, no warning or the familiar feeling that i became accustomed to when the spice washes over me. There was no time to surrender, no mercy only death and the grim finality that it brings with itself.

My living room became unrecognizable. everything and all was engulfed in symbols and the usual hyperspace geometric patterns, but there was no color, only silver, white and black shades. It felt like I shot right passed hyperspace and landed in the land of the dead and this was certainly a one way journey. I went too far and knew it. No human was supposed to venture that far and return to tell the tale. I was dying and i knew it!

I can't stress enough that this was beyond any ego death that I have experienced so far. My usual mantra that I use when I get shot out of the canon is "I surrender and come in love". This mantra has helped me immensely when the journey intensifies and my ego screams "you are dying you fool" and has helped me in many transitions into hyperspace.

This time was different. No time for mantra, instant terror and an agony like I have never experienced before. As I sat up on the couch I was obliterated with a force I could have never imagined in my worst nightmares. I panicked and ripped my glasses off my head, which I could feel disintegrate in my hands. I could feel my heart beating irregularly and suddenly it stopped. The fear was indescribable but it is enough to say that this was the most scared I have ever been in my whole life. I was dying and could not do anything about it. 

First I fought the inevitable, I fought with all my might. Far away in the distance I could hear my son cry in the bedroom. "Oh how I miss them and know I will never get to see them again. My wife and children will find me dead in the morning and it is all my fault that they will grow up without a father. My parents, all that I have worked towards, and all my hopes and dreams are gone forever". My life literally flashed before my eyes. My sons cry awakened a deep seated sadness, a fear that was unbearable. Dying at that point seemed to be a relief if I only did not have to feel this feeling anymore.

At this point the force of the spice was so great that I could not perceive any visuals anymore. I was still conscious though which surprised me. The relentlessness of the experience made it seem as if my brain was fried alive and all I could do at this point was to except my fate and give in. "Consciousness does survive death" I thought to myself as I was pulled towards the afterlife on the ever growing current of annihilation.

The rest of the experience is a blur but after a while I regained consciousness to the point that I saw my couch coming back into focus, then my living room and finally my body re-materialized painfully. It took me a while to realize that I was still alive, my chest hurt quite a bit and I was extremely confused. I noticed my friend and he looked at me with sheer terror in his eyes. 
"I am going to be traumatized for the rest of my life" I stuttered. My friend did not say anything but was visibly shaken as well. 

My friend later told me that he thought he was dying as well. Not of a heart attack but he was convinced that he had poisoned himself. He hasn't shared much else about the experience as he is in general a more reserved guy. 

That night I cried like I have never cried before. I wailed and sobbed while I mourned and lamented my own demise as well as the loss of my wife, children and family.
I was never a man to hide my tears but this was unfamiliar. I cried with all my soul and understand now what it means to cry ones heart out. 

I have no doubt that those tears brought me healing but I am still shaken to the core. There are times where I have flashbacks and feel like I am getting sucked back to that place and I end up having a short moment of panic. Death scares me more than ever even though I felt that I was at peace with it before the experience.

As it stands now I am not sure if this was my call and if it is time to hang up the phone. The thought of smoking spice again alone sends me into a state of fear that is reminiscent of that night. 
I will continue my spiritual journey and know that this was exactly what I needed at that time. It is up to me now to find the messages and teachings concealed within this encounter.

There is healing in the darkest places and I hope that I can bring it all to the light.

I made many changes in my life since then and even though I lived a healthy life already I am much healthier now. For myself and my family.



May we all live our lives to the fullest so that when the final day arrives we can leave without regret and at peace with our self.

With love and light


Edited by Deja (02/15/20 09:25 AM)


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OfflineDJ Ed
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Registered: 09/04/16
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Re: Hyperslap, kiss of death and Post Dramatic Stress. A journey to the end of life [Re: Deja]
    #26486544 - 02/15/20 05:45 AM (3 years, 11 months ago)

Thank yo8 for such a profound write up of such a profound experience 👍🏻

I am assuming by “spice” you mean the legal high equivalent to cannabis that is like 100x stronger?

I can’t begin to imagine how that feels because I smoke weed during the peak and that is strong enough.

Many years ago I had a liberty cap experience without any weed, that was as strong and profound as what you’ve described. I too went past the universe to a place where even god and Satan don’t exist. A cold dark lonely void that went on for thousands of lonely years. Or so it felt. If anything it too made me even more scared of death and that has stayed with me for the last 35 years! And what when you do get to heaven do you think will take place if it turned out god is not actually good?

Recent mushroom experiences are really helping me to understand what I went through, but it’s taken many decades!

Good luck on your journey. How long ago was your experience? I think you’re plans to integrate it will be extremely beneficial to your growth, and ultimately your acceptance of death.

Mush love
DJ Ed

EDIT:  duh! DMT nexus is a bit of a clue. So spice is DMT crystals? Feel a bit of a dick now 😷


--------------------
“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.”
Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind

“The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.”
Terence McKenna



Edited by DJ Ed (02/15/20 05:50 AM)


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 7 days, 8 minutes
Re: Hyperslap, kiss of death and Post Dramatic Stress. A journey to the end of life [Re: DJ Ed]
    #26486577 - 02/15/20 06:14 AM (3 years, 11 months ago)

Post dramatic stress


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