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tommygdawg
Stranger
Registered: 11/20/19
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Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying
#26476286 - 02/08/20 11:46 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hey all,
Relatively new to the forum, and tripping. I've had a handful of trips since April or May of this year, a couple of those depending on if you count a bigger microdose as a trip. First two on acid, the rest on shrooms. All except my first experience have been anxiety to panic inducing.
I've had mixed results in my life controlling my OCD with SSRIs, most recently Zoloft, and upon discovering psychedelics I had a complete shift in my mental health. I got into them for improving my mental health, but I didn't really know how much I believed the hype.
My first acid trip removed my depersonalization disorder. The world no longer felt simulated and distant, I felt connected to it. Depression was gone, and I felt this passion about challenging every single one of my OCD anxieties.
Upon the excitement of growing my own mushrooms (mainly because I don't like being dependent on acid dealers), I unfortunately consumed an unknown quantity and had an experience with drug-induced psychosis. Nothing bad happened in the end, but it was an incredibly challenging and mentally traumatizing experience. The depersonalization disorder came back hardcore. It's been a real challenge since that trip. Which leads me to wear I am today...
Psychedelics have been on one hand my saving grace, and on the other hand some of my deepest fears realized. Taking a microdose gives me the anxiety shakes almost immediately, in a time and fashion that leads me to believe it's conditioned taste aversion to psychedelics; much the same as in my OCD fear of throwing up, I could swallow something and almost immediately be hit with intense nausea. I know this is a thing my brain does, and it's frustrating.
On top of all this, I've been weaning off of Zoloft for the past 3 months or so because I feel like based on my experiences, even the "bad" ones (especially), psychs have a much greater potential for healing of my brain. That said, my brain feels like a mess right now. One mushroom today sent me into a panic attack, a quarter of a bowl of weed hits harder than a full bowl used to, I cry at the drop of a hat, and I've just been on a constant emotional roller coaster. Not to mention all the brain zaps and vertigo. It's been utter hell, which plays into my deepest anxiety I have currently regarding my new medicine.
I'm struggling with the duality that comes from psychedelics changing my entire life on the order of what I'm guessing would be a religious experience (if I were remotely religious), but also having potentially just as large negative side effects. Basically, something I feel deeply connected to and passionate about because of it's healing power also really fucked me up.
I realize this all comes down to ultimately me not running at things I'm passionate about at 100 miles an hour, which I know is an issue for me. I take responsibility for an unwise choice I made. I know that it's about approaching the substances respectfully, and I have been humbled by mushrooms in a way that is truly...beautifully unsettling.
This leaves me wary of how to get back to a place where I can have at least a microdose and not be scared shitless. I'm curious if this is something you all can relate to, and how have you moved forward?
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Eroc90
Forward!



Registered: 08/24/19
Posts: 26
Loc: usa
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Re: Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying [Re: tommygdawg]
#26476307 - 02/09/20 12:33 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I've heard of people meditating before a trip. maybe you can give that a shot! I also weened myself off of Zoloft. I would eat like 4.o and they wouldn't work. As far as anything else to help maybe someone else can chime in.
good luck
Eroc
-------------------- www.sporeworks.com is a GOOD place to source spores for microscopy use!!! my flowhood build is in my journal! AGAR is the way to go!
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Blabble40
Scorpio

Registered: 11/11/14
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Re: Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying [Re: Eroc90]
#26476317 - 02/09/20 01:03 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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When I was a kid, I was mostly quiet and everyone else were talkers. But now, everyone wants to be quiet and I realized some lost time on psychedelics, so they made me try to make up for it. That means I have to talk more sometimes, but people don't like when people talk. Everyone is in a rush to get here or there, and privacy is going away. I'd rather keep it. Other people always try to criticize, so whatever they suggest is usually just the opposite. I've done deep work with psychedelics, but I think others just want to talk about what they want to talk about.
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying [Re: tommygdawg]
#26476320 - 02/09/20 01:14 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I really feel for you, tommygdawg.
I’ve been exactly where you are now, 4 years ago. It’s a long slog, brother, and you just have to stick with it.
I can’t imagine how bad the anxiety is for you, if the taste of mushrooms is instantly alerting your OCD; have a think about lemon Balm Tea; I bought tea bags some off Amazon for £2. Drink the tea before your mushroom tea, maybe 15 minutes. This will significantly reduce the anxiety for the first hour, at which point you’ll be well on the way to the peak, where the anxiety subsides anyway.
I’d also recommend you take a break now from psychedelics until you are completely off SSRIs; it took me 5 complete months after tapering off before I could trip successfully. Once you’re tripping successfully, the anxiety doesn’t go away, but the psychedlic headspace you reach is far deeper and the anxiety is worth it.
I’d suggest you stick with it. Focus on the getting off the SSRIs. Try not to get too hung up on the anxiety, it happens to us all.
Mush love and good luck, DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,532
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Re: Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying [Re: DJ Ed]
#26476726 - 02/09/20 10:17 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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it's all a matter of relaxing in the face of your trigger. on one heavy trip (150 mics for me is heavy) I was confronted by a huge black powerful and noisy wasp which was trapped in a bay window where I was sitting. First, I had to calm myself so that my movements, shakes or other behavior did not aggravate the wasp. I slowed my breathing and actually relaxed and remained focused on the situation and did not freak out. Then I gently and slowly reached to the window latch and turned it while the wasp gyrated and buzzed inches from my fingers, and I kept up a steadiness that was very sustaining to the process of letting the wasp leave.
When the window was opened I got a magazine and ushered the wasp gently towards the new opening in the window frame. Eventually the threatening insect was liberated from it's confinement and I breathed a huge relief.
While doing this task I noticed how beautiful the creature was and how natural its predicament and my own was. I think relaxing and facing one's triggers leads to cathartic and functional solutions.
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cactushead
Strangerer


Registered: 02/03/20
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Re: Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying [Re: tommygdawg]
#26476765 - 02/09/20 10:43 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
tommygdawg said: This leaves me wary of how to get back to a place where I can have at least a microdose and not be scared shitless. I'm curious if this is something you all can relate to, and how have you moved forward?
I can definitely relate to having a crazy brain after going off of prescriptions. I did it the dumb terrible way (cold turkey) but I think even tapering off would throw someone for a loop. Maybe it would be helpful for you to avoid dosing, even microdosing, for a little while as you fully get off prescriptions and let yourself rebalance. During that time meditation and contemplation about your trips, what you want out of it, and why it induces a fear response may be helpful.
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tommygdawg
Stranger
Registered: 11/20/19
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Re: Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying [Re: cactushead]
#26477029 - 02/09/20 02:31 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Thank you everyone for the feedback. Organizing my thoughts into a post and getting feedback has already been most helpful.
I feel pretty confident that a lot of the anxiety I feel now is due directly to my first mush trip where I experienced psychosis. When I started tripping yesterday, every feeling I had reminded me of the slow fade into psychosis which just tells me that I'm having a conditioned fear response; perhaps rightfully so, but still frustrating nonetheless.
It's also crazy how Zoloft dulled some parts of the experience but not others. During my first trip, I had almost no visuals, but a body high so intense it felt like I was on fire. Yesterday one mushroom made the walls get warpy, gave me colors and slight patterns. It might be possible the combination caused the psychosis, or might be possible that it prevented it from being worse, or none of the above
I should also say that I my form of OCD is pure obsessive, so I don't generally have physical compulsions. I just thought loop like a motherfucker on questions like "what if I 'go crazy'?", and all of the compulsions I perform to cope are mental. So I don't overwash my hands, but I do get stuck in lightswitch-flipping-esque thought loops trying to logic my way into making sure I'm sane.
These mushroom trips brought a lot of that back when I had dismissed most of it finally. But this leads me to another issue that might be a rationalization. I feel like Zoloft helped me avoid the thoughts that send me into loops, whereas mushrooms are essentially demanding that I actively confront them. And for whatever it's worth, I feel that I'm doing much better at confronting them then I was when I first started SSRIs years ago. I've grown as a person in so many ways, thanks especially to help from cannabis and psychedelics. So there's that!
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying [Re: tommygdawg]
#26477869 - 02/10/20 01:15 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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“It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind
❤️ DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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Backbone
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Re: Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying [Re: DJ Ed]
#26524640 - 03/08/20 09:09 PM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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Its funny how everyone on here was on ssris, and then they quit without even talking to their psychiatrist, I wonder whats causing that pattern. Like why was everyone on ssris in the first place if they thought psychedelics were the answer, our huge fucking egos? Me myself included, why go on it, if we know well just quit. The fuck.
Edited by Backbone (03/08/20 09:13 PM)
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: Psychedelics are beautiful...and terrifying [Re: Backbone]
#26525513 - 03/09/20 01:31 PM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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I never accepted I was depressed, that’s the first thing. Secondly, my wife left me for almost 2 years, that’s when I made my only feeble attempt at actual suicide. I went on SSRIs as a bargaining tool to get her back!
I was on them 7 years, but towards the end, the amount of research I did convinced me I’d been a dick! Only wish I’d done the same amount of research 7 years prior......
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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