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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Wrote a mail to my local crematorium 7
#26473264 - 02/07/20 04:11 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I wrote a letter to my local crematorium, asking in my usual graphic detail that in case my diet plan failed and something happened to me, whether their oven had the capacity to cremate a 365lbs person, and whether the 560,000 excess fat calories "essentially 6 jerrycans of biodiesel along with corpse and coffin" would pose additional issues. I noted, politely, that in the concentration camp ovens the average load was 3-5 peorsons, while I "weigh for two people but have the combustion value of four." I also made mention of how in Wuhan with the viral outbreak the crematoria ran 24/7 and wondered how long a modern cremation process would take and what the maximum capacity was that they could handle.

Just got my reply from the good gentlemen. They remarked that as long as the coffin fit through the door, the oven would be up to it and that the average time for a cremation is 75 minutes, but sometimes up to 2 hours, depending on the weight of the deceased, material of the coffin but moreover on the time of day because later in the day the oven is fully heated up, after several cremations and it takes much shorter.
They told me there's an actual contingency plan for disasters for 24/7 operations in case of disaster that increases the capacity and that they on average perform 9 services a day with the capacity to increase on it.
Thats good to know
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante] 3
#26473342 - 02/07/20 06:47 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Niffla



Registered: 06/09/08
Posts: 46,483
Loc: Texas
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Amanita86] 6
#26473362 - 02/07/20 07:10 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Wrote a mail to my local crematorium.
That's gotta be the first time I've ever heard that sentence in my life. Gotta be.
--------------------
HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,333
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 48 minutes, 35 seconds
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Niffla] 3
#26473379 - 02/07/20 07:27 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I saw that title and was like
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Niffla] 4
#26473382 - 02/07/20 07:35 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Niffla said: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium.
That's gotta be the first time I've ever heard that sentence in my life. Gotta be.
You gotta have answers to questions like these
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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Near Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 7 days, 11 minutes
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: LogicaL Chaos] 7
#26473383 - 02/07/20 07:36 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I was really hoping he would directly reference the Holocaust to them, and he delivered. 8/10.
--------------------
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Niffla



Registered: 06/09/08
Posts: 46,483
Loc: Texas
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante]
#26473405 - 02/07/20 07:59 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Asante said:
Quote:
Niffla said: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium.
That's gotta be the first time I've ever heard that sentence in my life. Gotta be.
You gotta have answers to questions like these 
--------------------
HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING
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Crazy_Horse
I’m Rick James, bitch!


Registered: 08/15/16
Posts: 13,283
Loc: Hampsterdam
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante]
#26473409 - 02/07/20 08:02 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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How much are you worth as bio-diesel?
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Crazy_Horse] 1
#26473477 - 02/07/20 08:51 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crazy_Horse said: How much are you worth as bio-diesel?
At the start of the day I help to warm up the oven nicely.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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pacmanbreed



Registered: 10/12/16
Posts: 3,659
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante] 1
#26473622 - 02/07/20 10:06 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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While it isn't granted yet, I really think thats the least practical use of stored energy.
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,665
Last seen: 53 minutes, 7 seconds
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: pacmanbreed] 4
#26473701 - 02/07/20 10:44 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hahahaha asante delivers again lmao So hard hahaha
-------------------- ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
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dstark
Manifesting Minds



Registered: 02/27/08
Posts: 4,144
Last seen: 6 months, 1 day
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: spirit_shadow] 1
#26473889 - 02/07/20 12:36 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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 Good info
-------------------- What is a mind, if not something to be messed with? What is consciousness, if not a state to be altered? ~I Feel at Home~
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Tripsurfer
Bring Back Asante!



Registered: 08/01/12
Posts: 7,129
Loc: West of Windward
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: dstark] 4
#26473923 - 02/07/20 01:03 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I love how they just politely answer your questions 
To them burning corpses is no big deal. If it fits, it burns
-------------------- Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros... A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.

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Shiithead
Your Huckleberry



Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 9,997
Loc: God's Flat Green Earth
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Tripsurfer] 4
#26474022 - 02/07/20 02:14 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.
--------------------
Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Psalm 12:6 The words of the Lord are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times. Hebrews 11:3 Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear. Revelation 3:11 Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Tripsurfer] 3
#26474037 - 02/07/20 02:23 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Tripsurfer said: I love how they just politely answer your questions 
To them burning corpses is no big deal. If it fits, it burns
I was counting on job conditioning, and was not disappointed. Its a job for them, stripped of taboo. The practicalities become important, it no longer has a shock factor.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,333
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 48 minutes, 35 seconds
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante] 2
#26474055 - 02/07/20 02:36 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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The People of the Netherlands are so practical and helpful, you cant beat this sort of customer service!
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Shiithead] 2
#26474086 - 02/07/20 02:51 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Shiithead said: When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.
Yeah I’ve always said just drag me far enough out that I don’t stink up the joint and consider that ship sailed..
--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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EbilPhish
🏻🏼🏽🏾🏿

Registered: 06/20/18
Posts: 63
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante]
#26496044 - 02/20/20 08:43 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Asante said: They told me there's an actual contingency plan for disasters for 24/7 operations in case of disaster that increases the capacity and that they on average perform 9 services a day with the capacity to increase on it.
I'm guessing that's where they put heaps of people in at once and they mix up the ashes like they do with pets.
Although when we had our dog done a few years back they told us they didn't mix them together anymore. I guess because of the internet more people found out that's how it works and so people complained.
Not really sure what to do with a box of dog ashes though...
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twighead
mͯó



Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 29,556
Loc: Glenn Gould's Fuck Windmill
Last seen: 3 minutes, 43 seconds
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: EbilPhish]
#26496084 - 02/20/20 09:00 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Mix them with coca leaves n chew it
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The Influence
Free Sheeks



Registered: 03/30/11
Posts: 6,067
Loc: Not Wisconsin
Last seen: 4 months, 2 days
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: twighead] 3
#26496105 - 02/20/20 09:06 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I roofed the funeral home my baby brother was cremated in. I had to literally work in the smoke of burning flesh. It has played heavily on my mind.
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TheFakeSunRa
Bitch Splitter



Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 16,449
Loc: Dirdy SOUF
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante]
#26496113 - 02/20/20 09:12 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I don’t care what they do with my body when I’m dead and gone.
-Robert Johnson
-------------------- [quote]Asante said: You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar. You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason. I disendorse you.[/quote]
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EbilPhish
🏻🏼🏽🏾🏿

Registered: 06/20/18
Posts: 63
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: TheFakeSunRa]
#26496146 - 02/20/20 09:40 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I wonder what the laws are around human taxidermy...
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Seriously_trippin
Cosmic Guru Ganesh



Registered: 07/12/13
Posts: 14,471
Last seen: 2 hours, 22 minutes
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: EbilPhish]
#26496212 - 02/20/20 10:34 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Seems grim and like whatever your diet plan is isnt worth it.
-------------------- R.I.P Zombi3, Blue Helix Modest Mouse Zappa Slothie That Kid With The face ShLong Le Canard split_by_nine & Big Worm Forever Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,333
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 48 minutes, 35 seconds
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: The Influence]
#26496223 - 02/20/20 10:42 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Thats terrible man 
Sorry for your lost.
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Near Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 7 days, 11 minutes
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: EbilPhish]
#26496400 - 02/21/20 03:26 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
EbilPhish said: Not really sure what to do with a box of dog ashes though...
Then why'd you order it?
--------------------
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: The Influence]
#26496659 - 02/21/20 08:58 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
The Influence said: I roofed the funeral home my baby brother was cremated in. I had to literally work in the smoke of burning flesh. It has played heavily on my mind.
Forgive me. That must've been awful but.. How did it smell?
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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The Influence
Free Sheeks



Registered: 03/30/11
Posts: 6,067
Loc: Not Wisconsin
Last seen: 4 months, 2 days
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante] 1
#26496813 - 02/21/20 10:46 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
LogicaL Chaos said: Thats terrible man 
Sorry for your lost.
Thank you
Quote:
Asante said:
Quote:
The Influence said: I roofed the funeral home my baby brother was cremated in. I had to literally work in the smoke of burning flesh. It has played heavily on my mind.
Forgive me. That must've been awful but.. How did it smell?
Honestly I cannot compare it to any other smell I can recall. But the smoke is very white and thick, the smell is not pleasant (even if you didnt know the source of the smokes fuel) but is not as bad as say burning garbage.
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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,323
Loc: subtropics
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante]
#26496824 - 02/21/20 10:52 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Ummm, why have a coffin at all? seems like gauze would be a better way and cheaper etc...Strange that you were concerned about that, but definitely interesting info/post.
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Tripsurfer
Bring Back Asante!



Registered: 08/01/12
Posts: 7,129
Loc: West of Windward
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: The Influence]
#26496826 - 02/21/20 10:53 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I was surfing two days ago next to the jetty and people where releasing ashes form the end.
Because of the high winds we have been having all week it was a total Big lebowski moment and me and this other dude got dusted with someones grandmother
Really pricked our eyes too
-------------------- Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros... A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.

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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,323
Loc: subtropics
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Tripsurfer] 1
#26496829 - 02/21/20 10:56 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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She was a salty one!
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Tripsurfer
Bring Back Asante!



Registered: 08/01/12
Posts: 7,129
Loc: West of Windward
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: tyrannicalrex]
#26496834 - 02/21/20 10:59 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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I have to admit it was kinda funny. Being in the water and able to wash helped mitigating the emotional trauma
-------------------- Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros... A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.

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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: tyrannicalrex]
#26496886 - 02/21/20 11:49 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
tyrannicalrex said: Ummm, why have a coffin at all?
In Wuhan city the crematoria run round the clock and from what I heard the bodies are going in in hazmat body bags.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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deucedbi9
Stranger

Registered: 10/24/06
Posts: 4,594
Loc: UK
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante]
#26496979 - 02/21/20 01:11 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Asante said:
Quote:
tyrannicalrex said: Ummm, why have a coffin at all?
In Wuhan city the crematoria run round the clock and from what I heard the bodies are going in in hazmat body bags.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/composting-human-bodies-now-legal-washington-state-n1008606
I'm sure the Chinese could scale these up to handle 1000's at a time.
https://media3.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2018_51/2692811/181221-recompose-compost-mn-1300_0fba0933fe9b226c9536f7a69fab8376.fit-2000w.jpg
-------------------- whether low pressure sucks or high pressure blows... it's a bugger to cycle in. even though I'm feeling good Something tells me I'd better activate my prayer capsule
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: deucedbi9]
#26496996 - 02/21/20 01:25 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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The Chinese forbid burial because of the biohazard involved in exhumation.
But, if a pandemic goes in full swing we'll likely have mass graves near every city.
Imagine for a moment, as a thought experiment, that in this year, we'd have 5 billion people infected, of which 1 billion develop severe illness above the usual number of severe illness requiring hospitalization, and 200 million die on top of the usual annual death toll.
How are we going to handle that?!
That would be a nightmare.
It already IS a nightmare in Wuhan, and on the Diamond Princess.
Its spreasding like a cold but with far more serious consequences.
Its so virulent it might barely be seasonal.
This could be an all year thing until we get vaccinated.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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The Influence
Free Sheeks



Registered: 03/30/11
Posts: 6,067
Loc: Not Wisconsin
Last seen: 4 months, 2 days
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: tyrannicalrex]
#26497001 - 02/21/20 01:30 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
tyrannicalrex said: Ummm, why have a coffin at all? seems like gauze would be a better way and cheaper etc...Strange that you were concerned about that, but definitely interesting info/post.
I realize your post was in response to Asante, but at the particular funeral home I worked on they place the person in a cardboard "coffin" when transporting from the morgue and I believe they just slide the box and all right in.
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Near Dylan]
#26497014 - 02/21/20 01:43 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
tyrannicalrex said:
Strange that you were concerned about that, but definitely interesting info/post.
I omitted the fact that months earlier, during an MXE binge, the question came up and I just rolled over the floor laughing what such a letter could be like and how it would be received by people who do the actual taboo work with occupational character deformation of on one hand having to be perpetually occupationally solemn while, like, being regular people with feelings caught up in a vapid 9 to 5 routine.
It had to be written 
Quote:
Near Dylan said: I was really hoping he would directly reference the Holocaust to them, and he delivered. 8/10.
I didnt do it in a offensive way but the letter wouldnt have been complete without referencing their considerably more productive collegues by indirect association.
When they wrote in the politest terms that as long as I, being obese, would fit through the hatch it would work, I knew the message was well received 

It was a serious question, voiced in grave earnest, but yeah also a bit of a prank mail
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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Crazy_Horse
I’m Rick James, bitch!


Registered: 08/15/16
Posts: 13,283
Loc: Hampsterdam
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante] 1
#26497025 - 02/21/20 01:51 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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My dad bought me a spot in the museum where my ashes go.
--------------------
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EbilPhish
🏻🏼🏽🏾🏿

Registered: 06/20/18
Posts: 63
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Crazy_Horse]
#26497650 - 02/21/20 08:05 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crazy_Horse said: My dad bought me a spot in the museum where my ashes go.
I hope it's on top of the T-Rex
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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,323
Loc: subtropics
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: EbilPhish]
#26499210 - 02/22/20 10:30 PM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: tyrannicalrex]
#26505025 - 02/26/20 03:05 PM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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Seeing is believing *graphic*
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Wrote a mail to my local crematorium [Re: Asante]
#26514124 - 03/03/20 08:00 AM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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So it would take 3 liters of fuel oil to cremate an average body, but I have sixty liters (16gal) of excess biodiesel on my person. that could pose a problem.
And it has.
https://nypost.com/2017/04/26/overly-obese-body-sets-crematorium-on-fire/
Quote:
‘Overly obese’ body sets crematorium on fire
A crematorium went up in flames when the excessive fat from an “overly obese” body caused the pyre to burn too brightly, according to local reports.
The owner of the Hillside Chapel Crematory in Cincinnati says the conflagration started on Tuesday night when the fire engulfing the corpulent corpse got too hot and spread to some nearby containers.
“My operator was in the process of cremating remains and (the body) was overly obese and apparently it got a little hotter than the unit is supposed to get,” owner Don Catchen told WCPO Cincinnati.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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