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Anonymous #1
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Struggling with depression 6 months after a trip
#26456758 - 01/28/20 12:30 PM (4 years, 1 day ago) |
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Hi Guys,
Really looking for some advice here.
To give a really basic summary (I have posted here previously in more detail before) - I had a bad trip in July 2019 which has caused effect to me for over 6 months since. It's worth mentioning, I definitely wouldn't have considered myself with any depression prior to this. Only potentially some slight social anxiety.
The trip had good and bad moments - Once it was over it didn't really bother me, I just moved on. Until the following day while I was at the festival, I just had a feeling of dread over come me and I was left with my mind absolutely flooded with thoughts of existence and worries that I was still tripping and alike. I was able to get through this, once I left the festival and got back to work, things seemed to be okay.
However, things slowly felt worse and worse. In honesty, I was never truly happy in my job (an apprenticeship in Sales / Customer Service) prior to the trip, but after the trip I really seemed to feel and understand that I didn't like my job and I wanted change.
I did see a doctor in this time, she believed I had potentially heightened some kind of General Anxiety Disorder on the back of the trip. She prescribed me Propranalol to deal with big moments of stress or anxiety, that I used a couple of times before naturally getting these feelings back under control.
Over these 6 months I have tried a lot of things to make my life better. I've seen a therapist, exercised daily, eaten more healthily, practiced meditation, breathing exercises, cold shower therapy and finally I have recently changed my job.
It's all been super helpful and all made me feel more happy in my mind and I was making progress. I was almost thankful to the shrooms for making me realise I needed to make change.
However, my feelings over Christmas and in the New Year have dropped off again. My therapist had been happy with my progress and we were considering how we can effectively use my remaining sessions due to good progress. But, my latest feelings have just been awful. There hasn't been anything to make me happy, my usual practices of running, going to the gym, eating healthy and meditating no longer seem to be effective in encouraging a more positive mindset. For example, my morning routine is to get up and run, before getting back and meditating and then having a cold shower, then I would make a fruit bowl / porridge breakfast before going to work - and I still feel in an awful mood.
Despite the fact I landed a full-time job at a place that is perfect for me on paper - the industry is perfect, but I'm still unsure if the Sales role is for me, or if office based work is for me. The job was 'perfect' in theory, but I had no feeling of happiness when I was offered the job. In fact, the only time I could genuinely recall real happiness for myself in the past 6 months would be when I found out one of my close friends got engaged, nothing else sticks out in my mind.
I saw my Doctor two weeks ago, getting a blood test to check for a potential inactive thyroid (tests were fine). She believed that if I continued to feel the way I am, particularly with my efforts of exercise, meditation and healthy living being less effective, that the best option would be to put me on anti-depressants.
I'm not sure how I feel about that, but, even my therapist thought it might not be the worst idea, particularly if my new job (the final big change I made) didn't make me happy. I'm only a week into this new job, but it hasn't really drove any interest in me and I really struggle to focus or complete some simple tasks.
All the signs of some kind of mild depression are there - low energy, poor concentration, low mood, bad memory, social anxiety, loss of interest and my general cognitive performance has been so poor. I've also lost my personality in social situations, the anxiety and cognitive 'fog' makes me nervous to be who I used to be and interact with people.
The shrooms seemed to have made me more self-aware maybe - I probably wasn't at my happiest before I tripped, but I was definitely content in life. After the trip, it's like everything that I was content with and could live with is now not something I feel I can put up with. I'm definitely saying that aspects of my life have changed, but if I looked back on me before the trip, I probably wasn't that different to how I am now. I'm just mentally beating myself up now after the trip for anything that doesn't feel right.
I also think it's worth mentioning: Since that trip in July I have done psychoactive substances since then. I did Ketamine in October and some cocaine in late December. Both of these are probably contributing factors, I did these while I had been drinking and in reflection they were big mistakes. I want to steer clear from any drugs for a very long time.
I didn't intend on writing so much, but I really need some help. I don't see my therapist again until February 8th and I don't know what to do. My job is longer, less flexible hours so I don't even know if I can make it to a doctor and get anti-depressants if I needed to.
If anyone can throw me some advice I'd really appreciate it, as I don't know how much more I can cope of this.
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Huskies
Boop More Snoots



Registered: 03/22/16
Posts: 1,048
Last seen: 2 hours, 10 minutes
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Re: Struggling with depression 6 months after a trip [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26456804 - 01/28/20 12:52 PM (4 years, 1 day ago) |
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Hey man, first of all, I am sorry to hear this feels this way. You are doing everything you should be doing, so don't stop that. Do not loose hope, the path for recovery is usually a long one, but you are doing so good already.
I am bipolar and ADHD, only discovered that at age 27, helped put a LOT of things in perspective.
As far as your trip, it really did seem to open your eyes. Sure, you were content, but were you happy? It really seems that the message you received was that there was more you are looking for. It may seem harsh now, but like I said, you are already doing everything very well.
Don't be afraid of anti-depressants, maybe they can help. Worst case scenario you don't like it and your doctor discontinues them. It is not your fault if your body doesn't produce enough serotonin. If you want to avoid anti-depressants entirely, you can try, under the doctor's supervision of course, Tryptophan supplements, your body turns Tryptophan in Melatonin, which then gets turned into serotonin. The dosages the bottles recommend at 3grams are too high though, stick to 500-750mg at first.
"All the signs of some kind of mild depression are there - low energy, poor concentration, low mood, bad memory, social anxiety, loss of interest and my general cognitive performance has been so poor. I've also lost my personality in social situations, the anxiety and cognitive 'fog' makes me nervous to be who I used to be and interact with people. "
So, this sounds very familiar to me. Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD? Read up on it, especially the innatentive subtype, it's what I have, and is more of the daydreamer lost in clouds archetype.
https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd
Once I started medications for ADHD (Concerta felt like shitty speed, Adderall felt like I had the lightswitch finally turned on), it became clear to me how much those symptoms affected my life, socially not just professionally.
I always felt othered, as a bit spastic, shy but nice, I had groups of friends, but mostly was the runt of the group. The undiagnosed symptoms made me come off as uninterested in others, and it really hurt my social skills growing up. I am still learning how to be the best version of myself.
For me, the ADHD symptoms helped fuel my depression a LOT, because I became mostly depressed at my underachiviengness and difficulty moving forward.
I hope this helps, I believe in you, and I am proud of all of the hard work you have done.
-------------------- I call them Huskies cause you tell them to go "Mush! Mush""
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feevers



Registered: 12/28/10
Posts: 8,546
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Re: Struggling with depression 6 months after a trip [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26456831 - 01/28/20 01:08 PM (4 years, 1 day ago) |
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These things happen, growth is uncomfortable.
If mushrooms made you more self-aware, then you may never be happy working in a sales/office job where you're trading your only time in existence for financial gain. I took on heavy debt and left a well paying job to take on a career with an uncertain future but that lets me help people for a living and constantly challenges me in many ways. Then again, if you're doing you job with pride and integrity and putting the money to good use, then things may be different. Ram Dass once joked that Buddha could've been just as profound an influence working as an accountant, you can turn everything you do into an opportunity to clear your mind, open your heart, and focus on the present
Depression is a wonderful opportunity to explore existence and get in touch with what actually makes you feel alive, because the crutches and artificial means of ego/pleasure lose their luster. It strips you of your safety blanket and exposes the nothingness that we fill our lives with as just that.
It does get better if you stick with it and keep working, finding out where/how to even get started is just part of the journey, it's unique to you and your loved ones, it's what you're here for
Huskies is right that antidepressants and stimulants can help a lot. They can truly change your life. In my experience (not to offend anyone), those two types of drugs artificially strengthen/inflate the ego and sense of well being. It's a way to dampen the symptoms, but I've always been of the mind that who you are when you're off the meds is who you truly are and that's where the work needs to be done, but that's only an opinion from my own limited perspective. I work with psychiatric populations at the moment so am well aware of the necessity for meds, but attribute it more to how we structured our society than the med being necessary to the person.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Struggling with depression 6 months after a trip [Re: Huskies]
#26457041 - 01/28/20 03:14 PM (4 years, 1 day ago) |
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Hey Huskies,
Thanks for your kind words, it really does make a world of difference to me! It'll help me keep battling.
I was content, I definitely wasn't happy. And I've just tried to change as much as I can to see what that missing piece is. The only other thing is trying to find a girl, but I'm apprehensive before I'm happy with myself.
I'm definitely afraid of them, due to them having quite a negative stigma in society generally. But it might have to be something I consider, I would literally do anything right now to just have my cognitive abilities back to how sharp they used to be, but I'm not sure if antidepressants will achieve that.
What was the process with discussing ADHD with your doctor? And how were you diagnosed? I've never been diagnosed. I guess I've always struggled with focusing in my lifetime.
Thanks again for your words.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Struggling with depression 6 months after a trip [Re: feevers]
#26457069 - 01/28/20 03:23 PM (4 years, 1 day ago) |
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Hey Feevers,
Echoing my comments to Huskies, thank-you so much for your guidance.
I really feel your comments about depression urging me to get out there and find what makes me tick. Part of me wants to flee the country, travel the world and find what makes me happy, an extremely cliche 'find myself journey'.
But, for now I feel like I need to give this job a real good crack and allow it to let me understand if this walk of life is for me. I like your idea of working with a different approach, not to make me happy, but to really care for others and put any money I make towards something worthwhile.
I'll have the anti-depressant conversation with my therapist next week, hopefully I'll get some positive feelings from my new work before then.
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Huskies
Boop More Snoots



Registered: 03/22/16
Posts: 1,048
Last seen: 2 hours, 10 minutes
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Re: Struggling with depression 6 months after a trip [Re: Anonymous #1]
#26457226 - 01/28/20 04:48 PM (4 years, 1 day ago) |
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That's the spirit bud! Focus on building a compfy nest right now, knowing that the income and stability will allow you for your adventures. Maybe it is time to discover what truly makes you tick!
For me, I ended up going to the emergency hospital, not because I was at risk of killing myself, but I did not want to exist, and knew that I didn't have that many more years in me.
I got diagnosed Bipolar on the spot pretty much, and was referred to psychiatrists who still follow me to this day (thanks Canada)
I had gotten diagnosed by a pill pusher beforehand, what really helps with bringing it up to a doctor was showing that I had all of the physical symptoms. I am pretty smart and school was never an issue for me despite barely needing to try, and since I was not disruptive no one thought I had ADHD. The innatentive type, what I have, is more covert.
Symptoms that I have had for as long as I remember:
Constant fidgeting during class, tapping fingers, shaking my leg, counting word syllables, constant doodling.
Not being able to sit still comfortably, I pretty much contort myself into a sitting knot.
Interjecting before it is my time to speak, which usually only happens when I'm really excited.
Being very good with written directions, but confused when it's only verbal. Directions are a mystery to me.
Always daydreaming, often getting distracted in group convos where I drift off into fantasy land.
If this is all familiar, and you have had a pattern of lets call it underachieveing for your capabilities, then its definitely very worth mentioning your doctor.
I always felt "different", kids knew instinctively, people have a habit of keeping a distance.
-------------------- I call them Huskies cause you tell them to go "Mush! Mush""
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JohnRainy
Stranger

Registered: 07/09/19
Posts: 1,244
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Re: Struggling with depression 6 months after a trip [Re: Huskies] 1
#26457554 - 01/28/20 08:03 PM (4 years, 1 day ago) |
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Threads like this appear on here every once in awhile. Person does psychedelics, now they can't be content anymore.
It is very mysterious. Some get over it, some don't. Most of the shroom induced ones on here that Ive seen eventually post something about recovery, but that recovery always seems to me like a receding back into a bliss based on ignorance.
I had a friend go through an LSD thing where he lost his shit, sort of saw how fucked it all is, and promptly prayed to God to take it away, and God did. He was a psychedelically induced neurotic for a few minutes, but was allowed to crawl back inside his illusions that had kept him so comfortable. Some of us just can't do that. That was years ago. Now he's a climate change denying, bitcoin investing, right-wing capitalist who can't stand anything that challenges the status quo. But, he's not a neurotic. Unless Gretta comes on the TV or something. But he's quite content living in a system that is destroying the planet and humanity. That doesn't bother him. He can get up everyday and play his role within this bullshit system that makes no sense quite comfortably.
I like to think this psychedelic induced neurosis people develop is a cruel way of getting prodded into the path of renunciation. Like the Buddha had to leave his life of privilege and luxury to search for the truth, because he realized that even his perfect life situation wasn't going to make it. I believe we all have to do something parallel to that, someday, some life.
We must come to realize that we just don't know what it's all about, therefore we have no real foundation for contentment, and we'll never feel content again unless we can find out what it's all about. Then we will have stable ground to stand on and everything will be OK forever. But to get there, we must first cross over from ignorance.
But that's not easy to do, especially in our culture. And you go to these people for help who don't know what its all about themselves, they are just content in their illusions and don't really know the predicament of ignorance we are all facing.
I worry about you pursuing a career in sales. Fuck, that sounds like such a load of horseshit. I imagine they'd have to med you up pretty good before that could be tolerable.
Anyways, I don't know what else to say right now. It's kind of hard to talk about this. Just know you are not alone. There are many of us who have had this thrust on us a little before we were ready to receive it.
Time will tell what you do with this. Maybe you'll just forget about the whole thing and become a great salesman. Maybe you'll find a holy man in India like Ram Dass did and pursue the truth in earnest. Maybe this will drive you so crazy you commit suicide. It really can go in any direction.
Existence is marked by suffering. It's only a question of intensity. Even a life where you get everything you want has suffering, because you can't hold onto it.
That's noble truth one, and there is no getting away from it. I believe your subconscious has seen the reality of this.
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laughingdog
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Re: Struggling with depression 6 months after a trip [Re: JohnRainy]
#26458701 - 01/29/20 03:31 PM (4 years, 5 hours ago) |
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 very interesting post thank you JohnRainy
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