I did some rue and mushrooms to have clarity for the day so I could write about my life. I ended up relieving every traumatic memory I had bottled up and it was extremely painful to have to feel all those emotions. From deaths, abuse, severe injuries, etc. It all came one after another. I had a friend on the phone who I could talk about it with. The sheer amount of pain and trauma that was being opened up and felt was a huge shock. I cried most of the day on and off.
Four days later I attempted to do just 3 grams of shrooms to "recover" from the prior trip, but it fucked me up really bad instead. I felt soulless and dead and without emotions or any "Feel good" in me at all.
I had to go to work two days later and took a leave of absence because emotionally I was on the verge of collapse. It has been six days since then and I am now feeling much better with the exception of this feeling in the front crown of my head that doesn't seem to go away. It just feels like there is a pressure in my head and it becomes distracting and I feel like it causes anxiety/neurotic thoughts about long term problems and fog.
But I just went for a walk to try and clear my mind and not get anxious about it, which is very easy to do, and I realized that it could just be a tension headache or something benign from my anxiety/depression episode. It couldn't be from psilocybin because that is already out of my system.
I can still function, think about things, recall memories, and do just about everything - except that the anxiety about this can interfere. So I feel like the anxiety about it is probably the worst problem.
6 days does seem like a long time to have this pressure in my head. I guess all my neurotransmitter levels should be restored back to normal by now... or is it too soon? I don't really know what exactly the cause is but I don't want to develop more anxiety about it so I am just trying to tell myself I am still functionally normal regardless if it stays or goes, and that the anxiety about it is created in my own mind so I can just rethink how I view the pressure.
So a few lessons I have learned - if you have had a rough life and think you need to do psychedelics and explore the past, prepare for literal hell. And maybe start without MAO inhibitors and keep the duration kind of short. Your mind has suppressed a lot of this stuff precisely to protect you from having a total meltdown. These are extremely powerful substances and you need to respect the damage that your psyche can suffer from - you may not even be able to work or function if you unleash enough pain and trauma.
Second - everyone has suffered trauma and it causes them to make decisions and behave in different ways to "forget" or "fill" the damage that was made decades ago. People just ultimately need deep connections and to be loved. Pretty much everything else is bullshit in life and only a distraction from that deep connection/love we wish we had.
If you are feeling like you are being overwhelmed or anxious, remember your mind is incredibly powerful and will manifest all kinds of shit in your body and cause actual physical symptoms. You can do serious harm by allowing negative thoughts and thought patterns to take hold. You can also prevent serious psychologically induced physical problems by seeking help, talking to friends, not being isolated, getting exercise, eating right, etc.
You have to heal yourself and find those connections and love to be truly healthy. I am done just "Existing" and being tough and going it alone. I have so much to enjoy from having a deep connection. And I have so much to offer as well.
My story will be told and I will help others who have suffered severe trauma and had to shut off their emotions and become emotionless machines to turn them back on and have some love and happiness finally.
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An update -
My mind felt so foggy and disoriented that I went to see a counselor and ended up getting a diagnosis of PTSD and Anxiety. I think what happened was my mind was unlocked emotionally and I was finally able to feel the full pain of my past traumas, which in an unsuppressed or dampened way caused PTSD or something.
But since the emotions were now out in the open I used Peter Levines methods for treating it. I did a 2 hour massage while calling myself to be present in my own body and to release all the stress trapped in myself. I also did Reiki and tried to focus on releasing negative energy.
In a matter of two days I felt like a totally new person. Chronic anxiety and health issues started to clear up. I felt light, clear minded for the most part, and breathed easier. I could finally feel appreciation for the sun shining on my face, feel joy at seeing a friend, have empathy for people I was talking to... a completely new way of living from my past 30 years. A gift to feel alive and in the moment.
It is a tragedy that so many people who are traumatized, unloved, and disconnected never get to experience that. I hope everyone dives deep into their past and faces their demons so they can cast them out finally and start truly living their lives.
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