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Offlinedaba
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Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!)
    #2644798 - 05/06/04 11:39 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I nearly "crapped" my pants when I finished reading this (no pun intended! [okay, maybe a little pun :wink:]). Sounds stupid at first... but gets funnier as you go down the list. Read on!

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.  And of course, this only works with the silent kind, an unexpected sound will blow the "crop duster" strategy.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several loud farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid some of the reason and responsibility for the WALK OF SHAME that inevitably will follow.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm--often he will wave it leaving the office to make sure you know. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before leaving for the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.  See COURTESY FLUSH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by Escapees. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire if you know the omelet is unavoidable.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.  If you run into UNCLE TED, leave the bathroom immediately, and come back later or go to an unused SAFE HAVEN.


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InvisibleKrishna
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #2645182 - 05/06/04 01:39 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

:lol: why is pooping so funny?


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OfflineDannyT
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #2645575 - 05/06/04 02:52 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I like the crop dusting one the best!  :grin:


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InvisiblePhencyclidine
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Registered: 06/02/03
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #2645589 - 05/06/04 02:59 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Dear daba,

one time I was pooping in a very nice public bathroom. It was a "one at a time" room. Unfortunately the door had no lock and just as I finished pulling my pants up some man walked in. The ridiculous part is that he did not leave. This happened years ago but I still get an angry flush when I think of it. What was the right thing for both of us to do?

sincerely,
poopy X.


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Offlinetwigz
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #2645611 - 05/06/04 03:05 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

im going to grow up to be a trud burglar hahaha... i hate when that hapens lol


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Offlinedaba
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #2877446 - 07/11/04 07:22 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Everytime I read this I get a real kick. :rotfl:


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Offlinedaba
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: Phencyclidine]
    #2877448 - 07/11/04 07:24 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Phencyclidine said:
Dear daba,

one time I was pooping in a very nice public bathroom. It was a "one at a time" room. Unfortunately the door had no lock and just as I finished pulling my pants up some man walked in. The ridiculous part is that he did not leave. This happened years ago but I still get an angry flush when I think of it. What was the right thing for both of us to do?

sincerely,
poopy X.




Dear poopy X:

You have encountered a special case of the TURD BURGLAR and UNCLE TED. Should you encounter this again, you may have to endure a WALK OF SHAME since the the person was really a TURD PERVERT. Try to avoid unnecessary eye contact. Leave the room immediately after washing your hands and do not confront the TURD PERVERT, as he may do certain actions and motions which may make you uncomfortable. Here is where PEPPER SPRAY or MACE comes in handy if you have it.

Hope that helped,
daba


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Invisibleladychemist84
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #2878132 - 07/11/04 03:10 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

all disgusting but all funny shit! (shit)haha


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Offlinebrowndustin
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: ladychemist84]
    #2878721 - 07/11/04 06:20 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Hahahah, great thread!!

I've been known to crop dust at work lots. I'm usually in the back room of zellers or running around doing carts... I'm always running around the store for some reason or another. No one will ever find out that I'm the stinker!!

I've also been known to hit up this chinese food place on my breaks... the ginger pork looks like little red nugs and I'll be damned if I don't fart after eating there! Woah nelly!! WATCH OUT!


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InvisibleLocus
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #2879086 - 07/11/04 07:55 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

I've always needed to learn proper pooping etiquette. I come from a family where I am looked down upon because of my poor pooping etiquette. This is a life saver. I no longer have to hold me head down in shame. Thanks Daba! :laugh:


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The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



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OfflineMiscusi
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: Locus]
    #2879125 - 07/11/04 08:08 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

^^^ lol, funny Locus :smile:


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OfflineYouEnjoyMyself
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #2879175 - 07/11/04 08:25 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

haha, thats great. I love these kinds of things.


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Offlinedaba
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #3038351 - 08/23/04 02:53 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Locus said:
I've always needed to learn proper pooping etiquette. I come from a family where I am looked down upon because of my poor pooping etiquette. This is a life saver. I no longer have to hold me head down in shame. Thanks Daba! :laugh:




You're very welcome. I'm glad to have made a difference in another person's life.

Oh what was that Emerson quote: "To live so that someone breathes easier... that is to have succeeded."


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OfflineTheSlapnCapn
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #3040140 - 08/23/04 05:39 PM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Pooping etiquette is for pussies. I poop on the seat and ruin it for everyone.

-j


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OfflineIAmTheWalrus212
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: TheSlapnCapn]
    #3040149 - 08/23/04 05:44 PM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Poop in the soap dispenser.


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OfflineTwirling
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #3040253 - 08/23/04 06:25 PM (12 years, 3 months ago)

The great thing about this etiquette is that it's unspoken knowledge. Personally I feel we should do away with public rest room stalls and make each stall into a sound-proof both going down to the bottom. Think about how much more relaxing it is on the person pooping!


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OfflineHrethic
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #3040829 - 08/23/04 09:06 PM (12 years, 3 months ago)

I'll never think of pooping the same again.

Great post!


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Offlineihatejacknjills
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: daba]
    #3042898 - 08/24/04 07:06 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

daba said:
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.




LOL


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OfflinejustAdream
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: Twirling]
    #9315128 - 11/26/08 04:19 AM (8 years, 13 days ago)

Quote:

Twirling said:
The great thing about this etiquette is that it's unspoken knowledge.




true


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InvisibleCeara
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Re: Pooping etiquette (danger, very funny!) [Re: justAdream]
    #9315258 - 11/26/08 05:47 AM (8 years, 13 days ago)

For the farting side of it, something hubby and I coined as part of our strategy for generating some laughs at home.

KAMIKAZE - If you're alone in a room and feel one coming on and think it might be stinky, hold it until you're near your desired target.  Stand beside the target a moment, let it rip and then leave the room.

My dad told me a funny story once of a joke they played on a co-worker.  Every morning the guys would show up for work a bit early to sit around the table drinking coffee, talking and reading newspapers.  My dad was a Machinist before he retired. 

One of the guys would arrive like clockwork, carrying his newspaper and head into the bathroom.  So one day they decided to mess with him and took a pair of work boots and work pants and set it up to look like someone was on the crapper.  The guy kept going to check the bathroom over and over to see if it was unoccupied.

lol


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